barley for brains

Runaway

2011-09-12T02:15:00.001+08:00

you don’t see this enough in books or movies; no one wants to tell you these things. but they happen. they’re real.

feeling alone. being alone. you have faith it’ll go away once you know who it’s about. you’re lonely because you’re an only child. you’re lonely because you have a brother but no friends. you’re lonely because you have a brother and a whole busload of friends but no boyfriend. you’re lonely because you have a brother, a whole busload of friends and a boyfriend but no -

finish the sentence, never stop wanting. but realize, understand. it’s not them, it’s you. in this place with 6 billion people, you’ve built an island. dug the moat with pale empty hands that refuse to hold on. filled it with the tears you’re always crying for no one and everyone. it’s what you do best.

you can be happy and still feel the knives in your feet when you turn around. uproot tendons and bone through scar tissue, long as the breaths you draw in this cold air. swallow stones. try to fold hope into fingernail clippings and creased sheets.

throw the cup away, dust yourself down. it’s not them. it’s you.

Intro

2011-09-04T17:34:00.001+08:00

i wonder if i’ve ever told you that this blog was built on a promise? 365 posts, a year’s worth of writing – that was the deal. no less, no more. call me a sucker for punishment, but it seemed like the only way to keep me updating the blog.

and in the pathos of the previous year (or two), it really did slip my mind. i wrote because i wanted to. i wrote because i felt like i had to. all those jagged slipshod sentences that passed for entries; this was my method of therapy.

but i was picking through some drafts today and it hit me. 365 isn’t that big of a number as i once thought. it’s almost here, after all. what do i do when it finally hits? it might be stupid to stop blogging because of a childish promise. then again, maybe the things i type have gone stale. i’m not deluded enough to imagine that i’m a writer by any stretch of the word.

and to be entirely honest, i haven’t been writing much at all these days anyway. i rely on scribbled notes and half finished entries from a long time ago. clichéd as it may be, it’s because i’m happy, and the words don’t come easy when i’m like this. the boy has faded. my feelings have faded. the hurt is there, but only when i’m dredging it out. and even then, it’s so insignificant that i just don’t care.

so maybe keeping that promise is the right thing to do?

this is the 361th post.

Guest Room

2011-08-09T01:07:00.001+08:00

evan keeps wondering how, wants to know the so-called secret. try to remember what you’ve done to get this far. oh yes. day in day out, smile like people are looking. even when you’re alone. if you lift the corners of your mouth fast enough, you push back saltwater and involuntary gasps.

you hate sweet things, but that’s okay. pour sugar into someone else’s mouth. bake. pretend that the hurt filters through your fingers into the flour. think one happy thought for each eggshell you break. sing to your soon to be cake while it tans in the oven. scratch out names in leftover frosting. wipe clean.

go for a walk when everything’s quiet (but not too quiet) and bring along the soundtrack to your life. wait for the moment when the music swells and drips down to the feathered edges of your hair, then run. run! don’t ever stop, not even when your shoes fly off and a woman with a dog shouts at you to please come back, you left something behind.

write letters to people you’ve never met, on the back of jumble sale flyers. leave them at the first doorstep you see when you get off the bus. write letters to people you used to love. use them to papier-mâché a box, then paint over the whole thing in your favourite colour. this box; put letters into it. letters that you’ve written to people you love now. promise yourself that you’ll send them someday.

evan, do you understand?

Hello, I’m In Delaware

2011-08-05T03:40:00.001+08:00

this is the three years ahead you thought it’d be, you see yourself
rushing through unfamiliar songs hoping
this one is gonna be the one
sad sad song to make you cry
because surely someone out there knew, felt
the same pain you did
wrote it down in minims and bars and glass tipped words
you want the release without the blood but there it is
you’re biting down hard on your lip (and your fingers
and the scream you must always keep swallowed)
there’s the hook, there’s the turn, there’s the note
that’ll take you far away from yourself
on the 102 bus in repeat

Beth/Rest

2011-08-02T03:18:00.001+08:00

breath fogged up in these branches
like smoke
like the smoke in your lungs that you crave so much
you might never know this but
i heard what you said when you thought i was sleeping
and oh wow you’re right, i am weak
i’m egg shells and paper folds
i can wear skulls on my fingers
you still see a heart on a sleeve
but it doesn’t beat for you
not the way you want it to

Stranger Strange

2011-07-28T00:23:00.001+08:00

stranger, stranger, strange you should be listening
like a river to the end of my curdled song
nobody knows what madness could come along
now if you see a being borne into a trap you free it
they know kindness when they see it
stranger strange would it come if you could call it?

this is the closest thing to a goodbye that i will ever give you.

Thanks To You

2011-07-11T20:55:00.001+08:00

the lies you tell become memories because you want them to be true. but they’re only your reality. when you fish them from your head; your mouth. the words you say to us, they’re laced with impossibilities and untruths. and yet, we begin to pretend too. we remember things that never really existed. so we feed on your contagious beliefs and make them our own.

Storms

2011-07-04T01:47:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think about the boy. not the boy now, just a boy. and how he walked with his knees turned out.

his name is evan, but that’s just what i tell you. he steals things from me all the time – iced strawberries, pens without caps, pockets of sleep in a day in a night in a day.

the staccato beat of his laughter as i press a sneeze into his shoulder once again. when he drives me home, his fingers tap out the intricacies of a heartbeat on the steering wheel. he used to want to be a doctor, you know.

he held his forehead against my cheek once, feverish with love and the stomach flu. guy fawkes night, bolstered by chivas and loud whoops – his sigh traced a pathway down my spine.

two hours after we first met, he looped his shirt around my eyes so i wouldn’t see him streaking down the hallway for a dare. and i sat there giggling in a fog of filtered light. the sound of his bare feet kissing the marbled floor. away. towards. this unveiling like a mottled sunrise.

i feel that if i can last the month without seeing him again, then it would mean something to me. like not licking the sugar off your lips after eating a powdered doughnut. everyone says i can’t. they tell me it’s impossible but… i want to try anyway.

Mare Mortis

2011-06-30T00:22:00.001+08:00

if you have to ask, you’ll never understand. when it’s your name being sewn into the corners of my mouth, the tips of my fingers. the fabric of my heart. that’s why i won’t sing anymore. that’s why i wear these clenched fists.

that’s why it hurts to breathe.

The Last Time He Saw Dorie

2011-06-23T19:14:00.001+08:00

this suitcase is empty. if i wanted to, i could climb into it and lie there with my knees tucked under my chin until someone tipped me out.

this heart is empty. if you wanted to, you could climb into it and stay there forever with my hands and your hands and the way we used to look at each other when we thought we knew everything there was to know about love.

two more days until i’m home again.

Daniel

2011-06-22T02:02:00.001+08:00

there is something about sadness that is addictive to me. personal unhappiness cuts the deepest, but i can feed off someone else’s bitterness too. it’s a fine line though between encouraging it and merely observing. i sit there day after day, listening to the sound of their voices (hearts?) breaking and i still can’t get enough of it.

maybe because it makes them more relatable. after all those years of people mocking me for wearing my heart on a shiny red button, it’s almost comforting to know that fragility is a human trait.

and yes, i am disappointed that i relapse so violently every now and then. it’s funny… i keep thinking that i’ve moved on but then those strings are still there, pulling me back into place.

here’s something to laugh at though. today’s string was unbearable spelling exacerbated by simon & garfunkel. i’m a sucker for a misspelled word.

Fight

2011-05-31T02:49:00.001+08:00

it may seem ungrateful, but the only words you sing for me aren’t even your own. and yet the words i write about you – for you – they’re the only things i have.

Loving Strangers

2011-05-23T18:58:00.001+08:00

it’s the funny bone of my brain that drives me insane. the things people say are like brick walls and table edges. if i shake it, it won’t go away. i can’t pin it down into a feeling. you can’t touch a ghost; everyone knows that.

if i can’t name it. if i can’t trace its shape in my mind. if i never find out how to live with it. if i have to live with it.

then i am not the person i pretend to be when everyone is watching.

Roslyn

2011-05-14T23:48:00.001+08:00

my throat closed up when you said you’d never been anywhere else, never got to travel the way i do. but you don’t know. every place that i’ve stood in for the last three years; each empty sidewalk, rooftop and riverbed. all the corners of all the rooms. you were there with me.

Nice Thick Feathers

2011-05-09T03:39:00.001+08:00

i found this at the back of my closet two weeks ago.

everyone wants that catharsis, that being able to let go for certain. i try, but you should know me better than this. after all, how many times can i say that i’m sorry before i forget that i’m actually supposed to be sincere?

but then again, you told me in a song once that words are all i have to take your heart away. and i did, didn’t i? took everything you had just by making you believe i could care enough. all those times, you thought you were special. you thought you would be the one.

so here’s your cliche. don’t spend it all in one place; people might start to think you’re as gullible as you look.

Just Like A Wall

2011-05-08T03:08:00.001+08:00

i want to be more eloquent than this. if i could manage to put into words the things i really want to say. but there is-

you in a cloud of smoke i walk through. on the way to the pharmacology lab. in my lungs. you. people stare when i breathe in. breathe you in. you.

it doesn’t even sound right in my head.

I’m A Sucker For A Kind Word

2011-05-02T21:00:00.001+08:00

i want you to fix this. say that you can make it better, that there is a special kind of glue you plucked from the stars that holds everything together. even hearts like ours, that were always apart to begin with.

Hold Nothing Back

2011-04-28T22:56:00.001+08:00

keep in mind that feelings are never lost. you wear them on your skin like a favourite perfume, but instead of evaporating into the infinite space around us once we’re done with them, they sink into you.

maybe you sewed your seams shut so nothing would escape. they’re still there. and you’re terrified because. every word, every gesture, every single moment in the afterward. something’s going to cut you open again but you don’t know what.

Love Is A Fast Song

2011-04-27T11:09:00.001+08:00

every day that i don’t see you in someone else, i smile a little more. it’s what really defines us, you know. not what we remember, but what we forget. and i just realised; it’s been two weeks since.

happy belated birthday. i’m so glad i missed it.

There Cannot Be A Close Second

2011-04-20T04:21:00.001+08:00

i’ve been in the best mood lately. just thinking about it makes me even happier. here’s a fun fact: the highlight of my day was when the washing machine was done with my laundry. it played this little jingle that was so cute; i swooned into my fabric softener.

and since it’s been ages since i ended a post with a terribly written description of what i’m going to eat later, here’s one now.

tomato and basil pretzels with peanut butter, three bowls of orecchiette with a cream and mushroom sauce, an avocado and sundried tomato salad (Greek yoghurt dressing and topped with boiled eggs) and a grilled cheese sandwich. and yes, i’m well aware that i’m going to be in for a rude awakening once my metabolism starts to slow down but that’s for future D to worry about! i know, how disgusting.

oh, and happy easter in advance everyone!

Bring Me Your Love

2011-04-15T15:09:00.001+08:00

maybe i was lying when i told you that i didn’t love you. i don’t know. all that matters is the fact that i said it. now it’s out there. i can’t take it back. i can’t pull it back into my mouth.

but you can say something too, if you want.

The Geese of Beverly Road

2011-04-08T00:32:00.001+08:00

it rained today. a staple embedded itself in my finger while i was preparing my physiology report. the bus came too early, and then too late. the sandwich i had bought with such hope tasted awful. i missed a phone call that i’d been waiting for since march.

there is a cul-de-sac at the end of this road and it is quiet. i stood there tonight watching the sky. there were so many stars. the only sound you could hear was the faint hum of the generators nearby. deep in the cavity of my chest, my heart hummed along. it rained today.

Mistaken For Strangers

2011-04-06T00:55:00.001+08:00

last night, a streetlight exploded above me. i saw the shards rain down, a stray spark caught in each one. it was so bright and beautiful and scary. i remember holding my breath, hoping it wouldn’t end.

then it was over, and i watched the pieces lie on the pavement, still shiny but not illuminated anymore. someone was standing next to me, wanting to know if i’d been cut. i opened my mouth to tell him that something this wonderful couldn’t possibly hurt me, but it sounded stupid even in my head. so i nodded, and he walked on.

when he had gone, i sat down on the curb and started to cry.

Terrible Love

2011-04-04T03:39:00.001+08:00

if you give me a reason to leave, i’ll take it
you know i’ll take it
recycled words can only keep me here for so long

Empty Out Your Stomach

2011-03-20T19:56:00.001+08:00

i waited all week for a letter that never came. i cooked my first meal in this empty apartment after lugging back five grocery sacks. i painted my nails violet, then strawberry, then black. i sliced my finger open while washing the dishes. i watched the moon from my balcony.

i felt something in my chest sink when i saw tokyo tower that morning.

but time passes. we keep walking. people are resilient. i used to think that it wasn’t right; that we were just pretending to be normal. now i realise that it’s the only thing keeping us alive.

A Camera Lens & Careful Days

2011-03-06T00:27:00.001+08:00

borrowed from my diary, dated the 28th of December 2010

i had a dream last night.

we are sitting on a hotel bed, surrounded by people who are either tossing cheap vodka shots down their throat or attempting to abscond from the room for a quick smoke.

someone (probably PD) starts a noisy discussion on one night stands. he gently places his hands over my ears. i take a long sip from a paper cup filled with coke that has gone flat. under the covers, his legs are wrapped around mine.

what day is this?

i think… i think we’ve just finished our exams. everyone wanted to run away. this is where we ended up.

so why bring us here again?

i’m not sure.

there is a brief commotion at the foot of the bed because someone has stolen the last bottle of Jack Daniels.

let’s get some fresh air.

since it’s so cold at this late hour, the rose petals are delicately frosted. the stars are beautiful. in the distance, a car is disappearing into an unlit street. he lays out a sheet of discarded newspaper for us to sit down on.

why did you really bring us here?

in the morning, we will find the 100 dollar note that BB had folded into a heart for me, outside my room. he takes the bus home. when i am finally alone, i fall asleep for seventeen hours.

his hands are very warm. the garden is quiet. i wonder who else has sculpted a memory here.

something happened to you here, didn’t it?

so quiet.

this is where i fell in love.

When Paula Sparks

2011-02-27T01:32:00.001+08:00

i was all geared up to write a post about me leaving again for university, the blurred view of a rainy city from my window and how each time there are less items in my luggage bag. but sometimes things happen, inconsequential little moments that pick at your seams so you come undone. i fell apart because of one stupid joke that wasn’t even directed at me.

you see, everyone thinks it’s ok to mention the boy to me now. they assume i’m over it; there aren’t any tears in public, no drunken declarations of how wrong i was. i fell out of love, this is my punishment. i don’t get to be sad. sure, superficially it’s one step above being perceived as the bitch but… i’m not happy. i haven’t moved on.

just because i’m not in love with him doesn’t mean i don’t love him. i still worry about him, i want to sit with him for hours until the sunrise hits our faces. sometimes i even get a little jealous when other girls flirt with him, but that’s probably because i’ve always had a problem separating being in love with the idea of being in love, and actually being in love. wow.

it’s knowing that i used to be ‘the girl’ that gets me at times. i know, how petty of me. sure, there were other girls before me, and there will be other girls after me. just like there were other boys before him, and there probably will be other boys after him. but in my mind, in my tiny self-crafted world, he was ‘the boy’. i wouldn’t go as far as to say that he was the one. i never even thought about marrying him. i planned no future for us.

but maybe subconsciously, buried under folds and bones and skin, i wanted that. i thought i’d found it, i thought i could force it. honestly, i don’t know if this was love. was i really in love? am i still in love? right now, it’s hard to believe anything else could ever hurt this much.

and that’s a good thing. because once i asked him if feeling nothing was better than having a broken heart. he smiled at me and said, “it fcking hurts, but i want it to hurt. that’s how i know i’ll fall in love again someday.” cliched as it may seem, i believed him.

at the beginning of this post, i talked about the realisation that each time i come and go, there are less things to carry in my bag. somewhere in between, i also started to empty out the contents of my chest. perhaps as time goes by, i’ll think less about him. i’ll stop writing about him. i’ll curl up inside myself. i’ll learn to fall in love all over again.

Fate

2011-02-19T19:07:00.000+08:00

maybe you don't need to be moving on; just moving. empty vessels like broken hearts are filled with the saddest things when you stay in one place for too long.

To Be Happy Now

2011-02-16T01:33:00.001+08:00

for a heart that's been damaged beyond belief, mine sure doesn't have much to show for it. no scars, no bruising, not even faint fingerprints where i thought (i know) he was holding on. i remember the way my hand felt in his on that last night. burning burning. skin remembers these things.

if i really love him, i will be happy for him. i tell myself this every time i have to walk away. i chose this, i did this to myself. but hey, someone drew stargirl on my ankle while i was asleep. i'm alive. it hurts, but i'm still alive.

Hello Dearest Love

2011-01-31T01:58:00.000+08:00

people say you can't turn back time but they're lying. i did it last friday with the boy. three years ago, the boy was just a boy, a normal boy i could see, hear and touch without feeling like i'd drop dead if he ever left. that's probably what most (unhealthy) relationships become. every heartbeat is a reminder that you've placed your life in someone else's hands. you're an eggshell, you're a shell.

if you read my previous post, you'll know that my only resolution this year was to be more like stargirl. what you might not have guessed was the presence of an unspoken resolution. not even a resolution, really. more of this unbearable exigency. i repeated it over and over again in my head - tell him tell him tell him - to make sure i wouldn't forget.

so after dinner on friday, when he asked me if we were ok, i opened my mouth to say yes. to say i love you, we're fine. but i didn't. i told him everything and i waited. he looked at me and asked me if i meant it. for a brief moment, i wanted to give in, pretend that i had been joking and we could just forget i'd said anything. then i looked him straight in the eye (which scared me because i never do that with anyone) and nodded.

the thing is, i will probably never be able to identify the exact moment i fell out of love. i'd like to imagine my heart as a balloon with a tiny pinprick; emptying out all the feelings i had for the boy slowly and surely, until one day there was nothing left but a soft rubber shell. waiting for the next person to come along with a band-aid to stick over the hole, to fill it up with love again.

waiting for his answer, it made me realise how empty that balloon had been for quite a while. like a little girl who refuses to give up, i dragged my deflated heart on a string, pretending that it would still float. fly.

he says he's going to be fine, that this was the best thing that we could have done. went on about sinking ships and distances (physical and emotional) untraversed. promised me that we'd always love each other, although not in the same way any more. i held on to my sunken balloon.

and that's how i did it. built a time-machine out of lost feelings and broken hearts. i went back to the day i met the boy, when we were just friends. when he was just a boy. a boy. that's how he was always meant to be for me. a boy. i'm not sure if he's here yet, but i'm waiting for him to fall into his own time-machine and meet a girl. not the girl. not the boy and the girl. just a boy and a girl who hadn't learned how to be in love yet.
.

Le Cygne

2011-01-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

i like to think of myself as perceptive, but somehow i always fail at reading between the lines. it's just like that online quiz i took, the one that shows you pictures of eyes, and you're supposed to guess what they're trying to emote. 42 out of 45, but i still can't do it in real life. sometimes i look in the mirror and realise that i can't even tell what i'm feeling.

oh i don't know, i wish i could do so much better than a carelessly worded blog post. there are so many thoughts that i want to elucidate, but they're always discordant and jarring, even as i'm shaping them inside my head. for a brief second, i almost manage to string them into a sentence that might work, but then they tumble into a hodgepodge of ugly words.

so i'm just going to end this by saying that my hair is really shiny today and it makes me quite happy whenever i catch a glimpse of myself in the glossy sheen of our oven door.

Brightest

2011-01-14T06:15:00.000+08:00

some mornings, i think, are harder to shed

those with the scent of sleep still fresh on skin

eyelashes flickering in the lambent light of a gaze

wanting to shake off the dust, the lucifugous sheet

that clings to the body long after i wake

remnants of chimera moments, almost real

how is it that something lost in a dream

is mourned with the utmost gravitas

as if i could never again

trace your bones, the hollow of your throat

see you illuminated under fireworks

on the first day of the first year

that i forgot to be in love

What Took You So Long?

2011-01-06T01:11:00.001+08:00

so it’s the new year. how it crept up on me without a sound, i have no idea. i usually sit down a few days beforehand with a pen and my favourite writing pad so i can make a list of resolutions, but i guess i already knew subconsciously that there weren’t going to be many this time. just one.

my favourite book in the entire world is stargirl by jerry spinelli; it’s really good, you should read it. the eponymous character is who i’ve aspired to be all my life, but i’ve never really stuck to it. this year, i wrote it in magenta sharpie on my arm. stargirl. i want to be stargirl. the faded ink looks like a stretched out bruise – i’ve had six people ask me how i managed to hurt myself so badly.

but as i was saying, this year needs to be different. exigency, pure and simple, demands that i revert to times when i could vivify every aspect of my life with the sheer desire to be happy. can you believe that once, i snuck a kitten into my apartment just because i wanted to. want. such a strange word. i say it all the time – i want to go to italy! i want to own a cotton-candy machine! i want to be happy! – but when the moment comes, i let it pass. need surpassed want ages ago. i can’t do that to myself anymore. as of now, i am going to look at my arm every single day and remember. i must be stargirl. resolution right there people.

my friend Wall made me realise that there are so many things i have never eaten. marshmallows, marzipan, macarons and miracle whip (T____T). i don’t know why we only discussed food starting with the letter m. still, it’s not that surprising. unlike most girls i know, i wasn’t born with a sweet tooth so i rarely opt to try desserts after a meal. and even when i do, i stay on the boring path and pick strawberry ice-cream. no more. it’s not really a resolution, more of a keep in the back of my head thing. eat different food. stop picking the same three dishes on the menu every time i go to a restaurant.

and the last thing i want to say is that i am learning how to juggle (still not a resolution!). not just problems in life and university assignments, but actual physical juggling balls. so far this consists of me trying to toss a ball from one hand to another in a predictable and uniform rhythm. yes, i said a ball. apparently i am that one person who is entirely incapable of judging distance accurately. i will keep at it though. there are so many things in life that i could be good at, but they’re all out there waiting for me to discover them. master them. this could be one of them. this could be it.

hi you, happy new year!

The Fifty States

2010-12-15T00:25:00.001+08:00

someone just called me a slut because they saw me having dinner with my friends. who just happen to be guys. all five of them. yes, i am a slut. did you catch my working gear - the black oversized blazer, the ballet flats and the huge neon paper bag filled with candy that i had to lug around? how about the sexy way i fell asleep at the table while waiting for them to shut up about their new DOTA team? also note the suggestive ‘oh sht i spilled pudding on myself’ move that i pulled during dessert. i wonder if you liked it when they gave me seductive pats on the head and poured ice cubes down my back. kinky.

asshles. they exist in every corner of your life, slithering out when you least expect it to pass some sick form of judgement on you. even if i had been doing anything wrong, why do you care? you don’t even know me that well. i shouldn’t have to answer to you. i shouldn’t even have to sit here and take this crap from you. go eat bullets.

it is a sad day when danny donkey starts to make sense.

The Shape of Love

2010-12-09T02:15:00.001+08:00

the best words come when you are sad, the letter pointed out. so how do you manage? but if inspiration only lives in one place, then maybe i don’t want to write anymore. pain gives rise to understanding gives rise to eloquence. that is the way it has always been. the deeper the cut, the more words rush from my pen.

i gave up my religion for genius, she told me. my nights are filled with paint and the things i see in my head. that night i sat, lotus on a wooden floor, and waited for the divine voice that only speaks during desperation. nothing. nothing. the next morning she showed me a watercolour of a clear sky, marred with vicious streaks of red wax crayon. guess what it means? i put away the blank pieces of paper that i’d fallen asleep on.

i would give up a thousand things for happiness, like the barefoot run across hot tarred streets when the ice-cream man rings his bell. but that is happiness in itself, my brother said, teeth stained red with cherry popsicle. now that he is older, does he still feel the same way? he doesn’t even eat ice cream any more. it rots your teeth. he threw away the packet of sugar that came with his tea.

age brings with it its own rules to happiness. the little instances give way to extravagance, grand gestures that leave us unfulfilled. never good enough. when we still lived next to a golf course, my brother and i used to stand under the big trees on a windy day, waiting for the right moment. the leaves fell and we’d rush to grab them before they landed on the grass. each one has magic! i’d shouted. once they touch the ground, it’s gone forever. but if we catch one while it’s still falling, we can make a wish!

we caught thirty eight leaves and kept them in a box, making a list of the things we could wish for, biding our time until we were sure of what we wanted. a puppy! more new books. no school tomorrow. no school ever. then we were ten and thirteen and we changed our minds. a new house. a new television. that new pokemon game. a new gameboy. and eleven came. and fourteen. before we moved out, our mother found the box again. what is this? only bits of broken brown, the magic gone. we’d forgotten.

there are no trees near where we live now, at least not ones with enough leaves to shed when the wind blows. but maybe that’s a good thing. if there were any, would i still wait in the shade for falling wishes? i say i haven’t changed, but the D of eight years ago had skinned knees and tangled hair from rolling down gentle hills after school. today’s D went shopping without eyeliner and felt completely naked.

the things that made me happy once, the details instead of the bigger picture, i wonder if they are still there. for knowledge, the ability to melt into a crowd seamlessly, a cloyingly materialistic lifestyle – did i sell myself through and through? each handcrafted word that used to mean so much, i gave every one up for the promise of something bigger. the leaf that fell on my head while i was trying to find a bus stop last week – i cast it to the ground and kept walking.

Local Boy Makes Good

2010-11-15T08:36:00.001+08:00

blue carpeted yellow walled, heart shavings embedded in every corner. why does moving out always seem like free-falling and realising the rope isn’t tied around your waist? the before is fine, and then you take one step and…

i don’t know. i think i compare everything to falling. maybe because i used to fall down so often that the fear is ingrained in my head. i’d take a step and there i was, sitting lotus style on the ground wondering what had happened. you never realise how short the distance is between you and the ground. it’s like a trip through time, teleportation. if that makes sense. and now i’m so scared of falling.

someone told me three years ago how weird it is that i laugh like a little girl. and then i got so worried that other people must think that too, so i put on this fake laugh that (in my head) was nicotine and chiarascuro, too many late nights sipping on cancer sticks. obviously, i’ve always been deluded. and then i tried using it every day. sometimes i slipped up, but i got better at it. oh that’s funny. polite laugh, don’t show teeth, smile coyly when you’re done.

but once, i wasn’t thinking too much and the unanticipated joke he directed at me– the drinks probably catalysed something as well – and i. i laughed like i used to. i could hear myself giggle.

and he said. “that’s so cute. you’re so cute, fucking cute.” and he meant it. he really did. it made all the difference that he did. when did i know that i loved him? i still can’t place my finger on the exact moment, but i’m sure' i’d already figured it out by then. drinks or no drinks. i love this boy.

so i folded up this year’s calendar, his name with a heart underneath in april, and i wondered how moving out, the emptying of your material self into paper boxes that won’t actually hold your weight - how did i go from this to two years ago? in this quiet room, where i pretended i was well and truly happy. when he’s never even stepped through the door, how is he here? in all the heart shavings i’m leaving behind… how did you get here?

Antlers

2010-11-05T00:55:00.001+08:00

some nights i tell myself, feeling lost is better than not feeling at all. but then i’ve got these strings hanging from my chest and they’re tied, tied to everything i’ve ever loved and now they stretch all the way across an ocean, three thousand miles away where i want to go. home home home i want to go home to the people who make me smile. this ubiquitous thought, looping endlessly, diaphanous though it may seem.

because do you remember that one night in a frost tinged garden, where the branches were clinquant for quiet lovers and yesterday’s newspaper lay shredded on the ground? the only warm hands were yours and they held my heart, you carried me to the room and sat singing out the window while i tried to sleep. it made me feel so safe, your constant inexorable presence and how you always understood.

in the more familial context though, i miss waking up in the morning to beetroot oatmilk and a vacuum cleaner, watching phineas & ferb (hello LMY!) on the couch and laughing with joy at how the only question on my mind would be a shrill “what’s for lunch omg i hope it’s veggie udon and quesadillas!”.

and that’s why i keep these keys in my pocket. so one day, i can say ‘i’m done’. dust off the onus of being here, get on a six hour plane ride, drink infinite cups of rootbeer while watching dodgy flicks, hop into a cab and.

open the door. home… i’m home.

So Much More To Say

2010-10-28T04:40:00.001+08:00

i wish you’d call my name
take my hand
but i can’t
my heart will break again
every time i say i love you

Eat, Sleep, Repeat

2010-10-23T06:49:00.001+08:00

the boy.

is elusive, not wholly flesh and blood at times when i look at him through a fog of cheap drinks and smoke. his name trapped in the nib of a pen, i drag it across paper again and again. theboytheboytheboytheboy in black ink, green ink, a red sharpie on the edge of my feet. it must be love, it must be. a cardboard box heart filled with this pellucid love. i don’t care if he goes, as long as he comes back. do you know, there was this one night when he was so tired, but he stayed up watching me sleep. and when i woke up, he had finally drifted off, but his fingers were resting lightly on my cheek. i cry so much these days.

how do i cure this? the usual medication doesn’t work – liberal doses of strawberry ice cream, uninterrupted shopping binges, a wall of music, screaming until my voice is a scratched up record… and everyday i grow wearier. he said i am so predictable, a pattern, a rhythm in his list of unfinished songs. i’ve never seen him play the guitar, i just realised. why?

i always thought i had a built in compass for these things. heartbreak approaching, move backwards. all those girls singing about counting iloveyous on rose petals and secret messages through bedroom windows. i knew. so many indiscriminate gestures return to slap you in the face.

the boy. replete with all the things that i said i wanted, all the things i said i was wishing for and yet. the nebulous recollection that when i was younger, i had a dream where i was crying and looking for someone i’d never met before. and eight years later, the jump and an oneiric feeling in the pit of my throat. here it is, i was right all along.

The Trapeze Swinger

2010-10-06T11:22:00.001+08:00

i kept him waiting in the car for a whole half hour while i lay on the floor, hoping that tonight would turn out alright. when i got in, he asked me why i was crying. for a brief moment, i wanted to tell him everything. then nothing.

so we drove along, with him saying all the right words. i tried opening my mouth, but nothing came out. just this sharp intake of breath. the streetlights were bright and the roads were empty.

he wouldn’t believe me at dinner, when i said that i was fine. he told me about his hopes and dreams, i listened without really understanding. and he watched me solve a rubik’s cube over and over again.

“do you ever forget?” he asked. “do you ever get stuck?”

“no. there isn’t a combination that doesn’t have a solution. i just turn it until i know how to fix it. there’s always a way to fix it.” i held it out to him.

“i wasn’t talking about the cube.”

he scrambled it, taking his time to make sure it would be hard to solve. but he ended up making it easier for me.

“too easy. you made it too easy.”

“i wish i could do that every time you had a problem.” he smiled at me with so much love, my heart broke.

and then we were sitting on the sidewalk, watching people stumble by in their clubbing finery, puking their guts out in dark corners. one girl threw up all over her shoes, her long hair falling in her face. her friend stood next to her, not bothering to help.

“i would hold your hair back.” he said.

“i didn’t ask.”

we walked to the store. he held the door open and paid for the drink. when we crossed the road, he gripped my hand tightly so i wouldn’t get run over. his fingers felt cold because i was feverish. i said it in my head, as loud as i could – i love you. i love you. i love you. my chest started to hurt.

he stopped walking and turned to me.

“i love you too.”

and i pretended i hadn’t heard it, and he pretended he hadn’t said it. the radio played iron & wine all the way home while i tried not to cry.

Love For Heartbeats

2010-09-29T12:22:00.001+08:00

he says ‘i love you’, but i don’t believe him. the familiarity does things to us, lets us believe that we are happy when we’re not. we hold hands without knowing the real meaning behind the gesture, we live because it’s what we’ve always done. i can’t remember the last time i was alone. no one to sit with me, fold my hair back, sing me love songs, watch me so i don’t spread my wings from the eleventh floor and fly fly fly to the streetlights below.

i thought i loved someone, and i think i still do, just not in the right way. i wrote his name on my arms, over and over again, until the ink ran out and my skin tore. he took my words and gave them back to me, like the first time we met.

with every late night, how you knew i was home after all this while, a cupped hand within a felt hat, the real you suppressed and footfalls of broken promises. i make up my mind, you break my heart all over again by staying. don’t stay. don’t go. i can’t decide. familiarity, it does these things to us.

There Is No Such Place

2010-09-15T05:46:00.001+08:00

i’ve reached this point in my life where nothing makes sense at all. not one single thing. i keep telling myself that when i wake up tomorrow, that upside down feeling will have gone away. i say this every single day but i still keep wondering why everything is disassembled. it slaps me across the face, the impermanence of being alive.

i am so sorry that i never got a chance to see you again mr. c. you were a wonderful teacher, and i want you to know how much you were loved, even towards the end. i don’t think any one of us will ever forget you. wherever you are now, i hope you’re happy.

Always Right

2010-09-06T02:40:00.001+08:00

hansel and i went to ikea last week because we had the silly notion that we could make our rooms feel a little more like home. actually hansel is very good at interior decorating so i guess i was the only idiot there. anyway, we were walking around when we saw the toy section, so obviously wonderful me had to muck about with the stuffed animals and coloured markers, much to the horror of many parents and their children. i was too busy putting on a small skit with the elephant and crocodile sock puppets to notice that hansel had slunk away to look at something more mature. heh. i got a little fairy lamp for myself.

we had lunch there too! i really love lunching at ikea because the food is excellent (imo) and the atmosphere is fun! i always get the daim cake and a helping of chips with whatever’s on the vegetarian menu that day, which turned out to be quiche. naturally i got too overexcited and tried to eat all three things at once which resulted in quite a bit of spillage and hansel pretending that we didn’t know each other. as you can see, my friends love me dearly.

i ended up buying tons of snacks and sparkling juice from the food section instead of stuff to furnish my room. in my deluded mind, i felt that blueberry cordial was tons more necessary than a throw blanket, so i only have myself to blame now that the temperature is 6 degrees and i’m shivering my skin off. but then again, the sign did say ‘mix into hot water on a cold winter’s day for a comforting drink’ so i was clearly on the right track! which also reminds me that my kettle is broken… sad face.

the best part was lugging both bags (reusable of course!) onto the bus, and then back to college. those ten minutes of walking felt like purgatory. i was so thirsty when i reached my room that i drank all the apple juice, which kind of sucked because it was supposed to last me until tuesday. in my grief, i ate both cheese danishes as well. good job D, good job. one day when my metabolism slows down, i’m going to be a giant blob.

so the purpose of this entry was to bring something cheerful to the page instead of the usual ‘moangroanwhinebitch’ that you have to read here. my weekend excursions with hansel are what i look forward to most days, because we never really know what we’re going to do, or even where we’re going. plus, it’s nice to have someone who will humour me when i cry for food every ten minutes.

i hope you had a wonderful weekend too! eat tons of delicious food on my behalf this week because i’m stuck here with a huge pile of assignments and will be relying on hard breadsticks and milk for sustenance. if only i lived in the city. boo…

The Lie

2010-09-02T00:01:00.001+08:00

these days i find lists rather important. i write out three of them everyday because i want to feel like i’m on the road to achieving something, even if half of them are just pure nonsense.

i make lists of perfumes i want to buy, places that sell the best sushi, books i should read, roads i must walk. then i cross them out one by one when i’m done. in my mind, there is no other way to deal with heartbreak right now.

though sometimes i think of him and i wonder if i made the right choice. when i was back home, i bought him this awful stuffed bear as a joke and made him carry it around during lunch with the boys. he did. then he took it home and put it on his table where everyone could see it. he loved it because it came from me and i loved him for that.

i’m hoping to have the world’s best (veggie) burger this weekend. i don’t know how it will taste like but i figure, why not kill myself with optimism? it will be delicious, it will be wonderful and i will enjoy it. that’s what NI told me. positive thinking brings you luck and happiness. so i will think good thoughts and wish on my soon to be found four leaf clover and i will be happy.

today i saw a dog running in the underpass tunnel all by itself. it was so smiley and adorable and i wanted to hug it. but i was afraid that it wouldn’t like me, so i watched it pad along, hoping desperately that it would come back and want me to love it.

oh what a disjointed this entry was. i know i can’t go on writing like this but i seem to have forgotten how to string words together into proper sentences. everything is broken up in my head, so that’s the way it comes out from my mouth and fingers.

and now… now i am going to eat a whole bag of Doritos and play Pokemon Yellow. the older i get, the more i revert back to my younger self when i am sad. everyone said i grew up too fast as a kid, so i guess i just got stuck at some point. probably twelve, my parents think i stopped maturing then. mentally of course. still, i don’t understand why people think regression is always a bad thing. imagine, if we could all solve our problems in this manner, there would be a lot less violence and more junk food shortages.

Acrobat

2010-08-23T18:44:00.001+08:00

after almost two months, the feelings of grief (and confusion and anger and guilt) still haven’t really subsided, but i want to believe that i’ve slipped back into some semblance of normal life. flying three thousand miles away from home does that to you.

of course, i will never ever be completely alright. it’s stupid to think that a few weeks of trying to forget actually does a damn thing. i am so sick and tired of people telling me that a little time heals everything, and that i’ll be happy again when December rolls around. i know for a fact that every single heartbreak i’ve ever experienced is still firmly etched into my being. you may not always notice them but that doesn’t mean that they’ve gone away. everyone deals with loss at their own pace. how could anyone even think about placing this horrible time constraint on them?

i’m so sorry that this had to be such a terribly depressing post. i did want to blog about something happier, but nothing really comes to mind. it probably isn’t a surprise that i stopped writing for a bit because it seemed quite pointless to do so during the last month.

just a few things off the top of my head then. i know i got this award from the always wonderful Abs of fact not fiction (thank you!) which means that i’m supposed to choose one of five blogging options. i read through them and still haven’t quite decided which one i’m doing. getting drunk does sound appealing though, but i’m a bit afraid that whatever i type will come out completely illegible. oh well, at least i have something to think about now.

also, i have just started incorporating scarves into my daily outfits because i had a few lying around. this led to the discovery that i am the worst when it comes to tying knots and trying to wrap the whole thing delicately around my neck without strangling myself.

oh, funny story. i was sitting in the train last night and this drunk man walked up to me. he started shouting about how beautiful i was and how he would love to get to know me, so i pretended i was deaf [sidenote: this probably wouldn’t have worked if he hadn’t been totally wasted because i realised five seconds later that my headphones were firmly attached to my ears for all to see] and he looked around for someone else to unload his spiel on. he spotted this blonde at the other end and started moving towards her, but she ran into another cabin. one of the security officers passed by at that moment and ended up escorting him off the train. good times, good times.

i really want some pasta right now. mushroom and cream with heaps of parmesan. and then i remember that i’m a whole half hour away from any restaurants and we’re not allowed to cook here. :C

and i cannot wait for the new pokemon game to come out. so excited. i love pokemon!

Orpheus & Eurydice

2010-07-07T23:57:00.001+08:00

i have waited at the gates
crossed bridges
and the quietest rivers
all with the false hope
wasted optimism
that you would find me
child of light so unfairly dimmed
take me home
if i could forsake the seeds
why did you choose to turn?

mournful, i walked
deeper, farther, than i
ever did wander before
erinyes and six eyes wept
i plucked these strings until
my fingers bled
safe in the knowledge that you were
there behind me
your face unshadowed, the slightest
i loved you too much

my best friend died yesterday. i don’t know what else to say. nothing makes sense anymore. i wrote this nonsensical prose based on greek mythology before i found out, but it seemed fitting somehow. i just wanted to give her one last present. i just wanted to say goodbye.

i love you.

Don’t Go

2010-07-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

heartbreak is heartbreak
no matter the reason
one way or another
you always make me cry
and i
stupid as only i can be
will love you still
nothing else ever hurts this much

Your Smile

2010-06-19T01:22:00.001+08:00

i’m done with my exams! every question i answered drained away a little bit of my soul, so you’ll have to excuse this empty shell for not blogging with much enthusiasm. will deffo make it up in one way or another as soon as i can. a huge thank you to everyone who reads my blog. i’m amazed you’re still here.

am still trying to catch up on all that sleep i missed – subsisted on about 8 hours of sleep for a whole week – but have been doing some serious shopping, with serious in this context meaning necessities, not some aggressive form of credit card swiping. that’ll come as soon as i get the energy back.

the 5 hour flight was a real killer though; terrible food and loads of turbulence. Hansel and i sat next to each other, so it wasn’t too boring. i bought this little stuffed sheep at the duty free for company. it is the most adorable thing ever, and it even bleats. spent ages messing around with it on the plane, much to the amusement of the flight attendants. the in-flight movie selection was utter crap though. that justifies my bout of childishness [hopeful].

now i’m going to eat my weight in my brother’s homemade pumpkin pie and watch the final episodes of Project Runway’s Season 7. so not digging Mila. love Jay. love Seth Aaron. loved Maya, wish she hadn’t left.

the boy says hello btw. turns out he did miss me after all. :) nomnomnom.

Tamagawa

2010-06-05T23:11:00.001+08:00

your face is all i can remember from that last night. not the colour of the car i got into, not the flavour of ice cream they bought me, not the time i had to leave by; i don’t wear a watch so i’m sure i was late anyway. just your face, the way you looked when i walked away. i felt so sure that if i had listened hard enough, i would have heard the sound of a heart breaking.

have you ever heard it? it’s not glass shattering or paper being torn to shreds or a scream that never seems to end. merely the sound of air, cold air, rushing in to fill the space left behind in the cavity of your chest. that’s all it is. no sudden epiphany to tell you that you’re so screwed. just silence that can’t be broken.

it’s june now. my hair’s grown longer, there’s a new scar on my right knee and i still have that “retarded” sneeze. i wonder if you miss me.

Snakes & Ladders

2010-05-26T01:58:00.001+08:00

define loneliness. perhaps the simple act of standing outside a closed door, key in hand, ears pressed against the cold wood. trying and wanting to hear a familiar voice from inside. and you stand there for seconds, minutes. and then you open the door but your bed is empty and your chair is empty and then your heart feels empty. so you draw invisible circles on the carpet while thinking up an excuse to smile. you go through your wardrobe and you pull out new dresses and you say to yourself “i am so happy” but your mouth is a known liar. and then you realize that you don’t want to wear these dresses for anyone else so they stay in the back of your closet. and you close your eyes every time you see them.

define loss. most definitely reading words that don’t seem to make sense to you in any context, apart or together. the familiarity entwined in letters you swear you’ve seen before, but they didn’t mean as much to you as they do now. why? what did you lose (gain?) as you grew? did you extend your mind so far that its fingers reached for newer things and had to let go of something else? something that you want back now because once upon a time, it meant nothing to you, and you need that feeling back. to be able to feel nothing about something. you write this on the back of your hand, that you need to stop killing yourself with the futile pursuit of remembrance, but you take a shower and the ink washes off. and you start to run backwards again.

define letting go. maybe… maybe it doesn’t exist for you. you think so because you’ve spent all this time pretending that you were better that you believed you had actually moved on. you forgot how to feel lonely, you forgot how to feel loss. then one day your clockwork mechanism ran down and all those feelings flooded back in through a tap inside your head and your chest so now, you’re stuck in square one. but you don’t know why you’re sad anymore. you just are. that’s what you can’t let go of. and you are square one, you are. i am.

Évidemment

2010-05-22T02:48:00.001+08:00

Dance Me To The End of Love

2010-05-16T04:08:00.000+08:00

barley for brains presents a post that was not written in between tearstorms and late night assignments. oops, i do have a report due tomorrow. well well well. take it or leave it then. a running commentary of tonight. i will warn you in advance that you will probably not understand a single thing i am saying. blame it on sleep deprivation and a sudden influx of tests.

so the temperature outside is 3 degrees celsius, and i am sitting here pretending that i am on a tropical beach. wearing spf 60 and hiding in the shade of course, but let’s not spoil the mood. i’m sipping some fruity concoction, watching the palm trees cast shadowy fingers on my legs. there are dolphins swimming happily in the distance. they must be playing. oh wait, is that a shark? are they battering it to death? oh. oh…

i think i’m done pretending.

i do hate the cold weather sometimes though. the novelty of sitting by a fireplace, drinking hot cocoa and reading a good book does wear off quickly when your dorm room doesn’t have the first two things on that list. ooh that reminds me, i’ve got some green tea sachets. whee! be right back!

ok i’m back. just realized that there is no water in the kettle, and i’ll be damned if i have to walk up a flight of stairs in the freezing cold to get some more. i’m just going to sit here, snuggle up to the barely working heater and eat some chocolate. because it’s almost that time of the month again. yes boys, us wimmins loves our choklits. only thing that keeps us sane while our uteruses are bled dry. damn you body for trying to remain fertile. pregnancy is overrated. i should know, i’m the product of one. ba-dum-bish.

picture of said chocolate bar. mine’s the 200g one.

gross, this cadbury tastes like pure butter. not there’s anything wrong with butter but (hehehehe aliteration of a sort) if i wanted some butter i would have bought some. i could have sworn there was a tongue twister that went something like this.

by the way, nancy elizabeth’s i’m like the paper is amazingly good in a way that i hesitate to describe, because i’m sure i’d get it wrong. you should give it a listen.

ohmyfreakinggod, my pre-lab assignment is to colour in various body parts according to the tissues they’re made of. happy. so happy. finally something i can get into. i knew there was a reason i bought those pastel pencils (besides wanting to scribble on the bathroom walls in the student village heehee) and now i have been proven right.

well, i’m sleepy now so i think i’ll listen to a few podcasts before heading to bed. thank you, you’ve been a good crowd.

Isis Unveiled

2010-05-09T04:40:00.000+08:00

i am young, i am invulnerable. i get up after every fall. bruised and scratched but never broken, and every day i worry a little more. as you grow older. increasingly fragile. i bottle up memories of you for remembrance. being far away hurts sometimes. most of the time. because you are living without me, a separate life really. i have never been good at letting go. cutting the strings. i worry about you.

emptiness syndrome for an empty nest. and just when i thought i was doing so well. haven’t cried in months. missing you just sank to the bottom of my heart and stayed there. and now it has risen again.

i didn’t mean for this to be a sad entry. it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. but looking at secrets people sent in, finding a little bit of myself in so many – it scares me.

so here is my secret.

this is the first time i have ever been apart from you, and i don’t know how to stop missing you so much. i love you.

happy mother’s day.

Tournesol

2010-04-29T05:40:00.001+08:00

went for pizza and the wonderful boy there upgraded me to a large again! i think i may be falling in love with him. the only problem now is managing to eat the whole 8 slices by myself. no one else likes roasted pumpkin and spinach as toppings. i have a refrigerator but no microwave. and i hate cold pizza. sigh… i’m probably going to have to pull an all nighter to finish it. hahahahaha as you can see, food is pretty important to me.

also realized that my sleeping position is constant since my eyeliner leaves traces in the same spot on my upper arm every night. my mother says it isn’t good for you or something, but she can’t explain why. can anyone else?

i am very grateful that my friends put up with my erratic behaviour and have not attempted to murder me in my sleep. i’m generally a happy person but in the past year or so, i’ve been finding it hard to maintain that outlook on life. i think loving people i shouldn’t have has screwed me up and over entirely. does that make sense? i need to understand that letting go is ok.

but on to happier things. besides visiting the loveliest pizza place in the world, i’ve also managed to procure a pair of bright sugar pink shoes for 5 dollars! they’re flats with a t-strap, and i foresee many happy days centred around them. am also very pleased to announce that my facial scrub arrived and it is as good as it claims to be. my books are slowly being dispatched, and two have already made their way into my hands.

and this weekend is going to be solely dedicated to shopping. after all, it’s the start of a new month, my bank account has been replenished and i am in serious need of de-stressing after the barrage of tests this week has been. so gross. one of my classmates nearly fainted during our human anatomy lab. she got freaked out by the preserved human pelvic girdles and the smell was really nauseating. she had to be half carried out and given a wastebasket to throw up in. i think my demonstrator found my lack of discomfort unnerving though, she kept shooting me looks while she was manhandling a uterus. [sorry if you were eating and happened to read this, just avert your eyes]

ok, i’m going to grab my water bottle and make a run for the fountain now. it’s 11 degrees and pitch black outside but hopefully i’ll make it back alive. my neighbour’s still awake (it’s 5:30 in the morning, why are we so insane?) so maybe she’ll come looking for me if i end up freezing to death.

You Forget So Easily

2010-04-17T22:11:00.001+08:00

hello loves! just so you know, i haven’t neglected my blog on purpose. i keep typing out posts and my computer crashes each time so i can’t be bothered anymore. i’ve been super busy with assignments, juggling a bit of budget balancing and various other little annoyances. but i did manage to find a little time to go to the beach! during which i got really sunburnt despite lathering on the sunscreen and staying in the shade while everyone else splashed around in the water. spf 30 just doesn’t cut it when it comes to my skin.

i’ve also been on a bit of an organic kick lately when it comes to beauty products. my shampoos and conditioners are always organic but i’ve just swapped to an all natural skin care line. so far i can’t see much of a difference (except in my bank account T___T) but i’ve only been using them for two weeks. i’m going to give them a bit more time. although i’m going to tentatively say that my pores have reduced in size by a little.

hopefully i’ll be able to get my bubble tea tomorrow. i love love love bubble tea, it’s my newest addiction. funny how i never paid any attention to it before but i can’t get enough of it now. my favourites are the sesame and jasmine milk teas. with no pearls. my friends think i’m insane for liking healthy flavours. mean!

and yes, i am one of those people who actually love eating food that make others go ick. back home, my mom bought me beetroot oatmilk and black sesame powder to mix into hot milk. we had wild rice and millet dumplings, sprouts on our sandwiches; stuff like that. it’s probably because my parents were huge health freaks. one of their top ten rules – no white bread in the house. and heaven forbid i open a can of soft drink in front of them.

oh, i just remembered! i put in an order for a facial scrub and some books online. i feel like a child waiting for christmas to arrive. this is the first time i’m buying stuff for myself off the internet. the only other items i’ve purchased are vitamin pills for my dog and some new fangled gadget my dad wanted to use on his phone. hopefully they get here by monday!

i know this entry looks super jumbled up and kind of gross as well but when i’ve got the time (and the stable internet connection!), i’ll try to post something nicer. i’m off to edit my human anatomy essay. remember people, plagiarism is a no no.

The Walls Are Coming Down

2010-03-20T15:05:00.001+08:00

there is something to be said about my absentmindedness when i nearly walk out the door dressed in only a t-shirt and my underwear. it’s times like these when i hate living in a residential college. someone’s always hogging the bathroom, the numerous voyeurs when your doors or windows are open for fresh air and the block parties. oh those block parties. you don’t realize how disruptive they are when you’re a part of them, but the minute someone else throws one – hello aspirin, goodbye sleep and early morning lectures.

but hey, it’s a new experience and i should be happy for many things. i’m so glad that i live within walking distance of university, cause i like sleeping in. it gives me those thirty or so extra minutes of sleep that i seem to need so badly. you can usually see me braiding my hair while sprinting to my first class on most weekdays. i will never learn.

i’m also really grateful for the excellent public transport here because it’s really easy to get around. i hopped on a bus to the market district the other day with a few friends and we got fresh fruit. this may seem like such a boring thing to most people but let me tell you, it was one of the highlights of my week. having my social life dwindle to a mere fraction of what it once was is a sobering thing.

which brings me to the other highlight of the week – pizza and movie night with the girls at an outdoor theatre. i was starving because i’d not eaten all day and was dangerously near to attacking the rest of the group. when i went to claim my order, the lovely lovely pizza boy smilingly said that he’d upgraded me from a small to a large pizza for no extra cost because they’d run out of the 10 inch bases. ZB says he was lying because the two orders after mine were smalls as well, but who cares. i am so giving him a huge tip the next time we go there. people can be so wonderful.

and now i am eating blueberries and the best chocolate chip cookies ever. later, i am going to read my ngaio marsh book, then study for my human anatomy quiz. fun fun fun!

here is a picture of a super cute bunny. have a great weekend!

Ebb Tide

2010-03-02T16:46:00.001+08:00

anemone, you kissed
the tips of my fingers, the
swell
of my jaw
a heartbeat ebbing away
beneath your breath
grey ash
nicotine
sweet and burnt and poisonous
anemone, you kissed
me goodbye and you cried
into an orange sleeve
eleven floors i ascended
then more
and i was nothing
i was, we were
gone

i wrote this on a plane, 3 hours away from a boy whose eyelashes are longer than mine. it fell onto the floor while i slept, and the lady in front picked it up to read. she gave it back to me and patted my hand. she told me i wasn’t the only one who had to leave love behind, and then she smiled sadly.

this shitty prose meant so much more because she understood. because someone knew what it was like.

A Promise

2010-02-22T20:01:00.001+08:00

yesterday was a dreamless sleep
the first time in years, i think
but i woke up crying and breathless
grasping at the empty space beside me
this is it
i’m alone now
and it’s all my fault

Sweet Disposition

2010-02-10T21:33:00.001+08:00

so i’m here, far far away. it’s still the same stupid cliché but i really did leave my heart behind. torn into tiny shreds, divided unequally amongst the people i love. today i walked barefoot on grass, laughed at a duck and read secret confessions from a bathroom wall.

it was actually quite fun. we snuck out of a lecture on road safety + city transport and hopped on a bus to the city for boba milk tea. i opted out of pearls this time but i regret it a little now. they’re fun to chew, those bubbles.

it’s different here though. i’m struggling to adapt to everything. sometimes i wish i could go back, but…

like i said, i’m growing up. slowly, but surely, i’m growing up.

Love and Some Verses

2010-01-30T19:59:00.001+08:00

i went out with the boy and the boys last night for my farewell party. it was wonderful. i’m a very insecure person, i know, but i felt so loved last night. it was when PD and RJ took turns carrying me to the car after i’d fallen asleep under a table. i woke up halfway but i pretended i was still passed out because (sadly) i was too tired to walk anymore. especially since the parking space was four blocks away.

they laid me down on the backseat and waited for LM to come back from the bathroom. PD was telling RJ and the boy how sad he was that i had to leave, then they all started discussing surprise plans for when i get back in june during holidays. it is the happiest feeling to find out that the people you love actually love you back. i wanted to sit up and go ‘hi! i can hear you, you know. i wasn’t sleeping! and now it’s not a surprise anymore!’ but i just smiled stupidly into my satchel instead. i’ve never ever heard PD and LM talk about missing anyone like that before. my heart was just bursting with joy and sadness.

the boy drove me home and i am very proud to say i did not cry when we hugged goodbye. we’ve been stupid in the past but i think it’s going to get better from here onwards. he’s one of my closest friends, and i want it to stay that way.

this is for the best. this is for the best. this is for the best. i have to keep telling myself that. right now, my education is what’s most important. oh god. i think… i think i’m growing up! i think i’m finally growing up, even if it’s just a little bit.

I Am A Full Grown Man (I Will Lay In The Grass All Day)

2010-01-26T14:59:00.001+08:00

i know i shouldn’t be thinking so much about him when all it does is make me sad. but ZR told me something a few hours ago that made me cry all over again because… because now i feel that this is all a mistake. i want to tell him how much i love him, but i can’t. it wouldn’t be fair to the both of us.

so... last monday night was pretty awkward, huh?
you think?
don’t feel so bad about it. we all know you’re not to blame for anything.
but why does he do that?
because he cares for you. a lot. like a whole lot.
and how would you know? what do any of you know about that?
D, we can see it.
yeah, because making me cry is super caring. look, none of you will understand. this isn’t helping me move on. i’m going to be suffering like this forever if he has his way. and he won’t understand. he thinks the distance is a bad thing!
remember that night back in november, when he picked you up from your place for a party? it was the last time you’d seen him before monday night, right?
yes.
did he tell you that he was stuck in a traffic jam for three hours, right after work? he didn’t even get to go home and eat or shower. he was so tired but he stayed awake to look after you until you fell asleep.
oh.
and he held your hand while you were sleeping the whole time. because he knew how afraid and hurt you were that night. he slept on the floor next to you. he wouldn’t let anyone wake you up until it was time to go home.
oh.
so D, he may be a brainless idiot sometimes, but it’s only because he cares. we all do. his is just in the worst possible way.
i see.
i’m sorry if any of that hurt you. but you have to know, he drops everything to be by your side, even when you don’t want him there. forgive him, ok?

and now the guilty feeling is back, even worse than before. why do we always, always have to hurt the people we love the most? it’s a defence mechanism, isn’t it? so that no one gets too close. so that when they leave, you don’t feel as much pain as you might have if you’d let them in at the beginning.

but if i’m going to be completely honest with myself, i think i might know why. i’m afraid that he won’t love me anymore one day, but i will still love him. i will always love him. that’s the reason i can’t say it back. that’s why i won’t stay. i don’t want to be the one who ends up clinging to something i can’t have.

the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy.

Inflamatory Writ

2010-01-21T22:46:00.001+08:00

because i was too busy being all sappy and weird, i managed to completely miss out on the fact that the previous post was my 300th. woohoo. seriously, how have i managed to keep going for so long?

anyway, call me left behind or whatever, but i’ve just discovered wordle. according to the website, “Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text.” in this case, i typed in my blog url so these are all the words that i use most frequently. hahaha notice how happy is the biggest. shocker. i’m a bit unnerved that ‘boy’ comes up quite often too. i obviously have a bit of a problem there. not sure whether they only ran through recent entries or all of them, but it’s still fun.

you can try it here if you haven’t already. click.

Fractured Skies

2010-01-19T21:37:00.001+08:00

my eyelids are red and swollen from last night.
i cried, remember? i cried so much
because you kept saying you loved me
again and again and again
until PD had to drag you away
reassuring me that this was just a side effect
of the vodka and the whiskey and the beer
and the spliff and the cigarettes
and the broken heart.
whose? is yours the only one ripped in half?
you promised me we could be friends
nothing more
but lying is second nature to us both now
so i was the stupid one to believe you.

some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink. everything they’ve managed to store away in a dark corner of their mind spills out from the locked drawers. alcohol is the key to hurting people. morning afters are then always spent pretending that you heard nothing, when in fact the walls are so thin that you heard him apologize in between fits of throwing up. not just from the stomach, but from the heart. remains of the night before. of all the nights before.

Always Like This

2010-01-17T20:59:00.001+08:00

i’ve been thinking recently about how emotionally attached i get to the people i love and the fact that it always royally screws me up in the end. especially when it comes to the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

he’ll never let me forget him, even when i’m trying my hardest to do just that. he calls late at night to hear me laugh, to tell me he’s glad i haven’t changed. he won’t give me the chance to get over him, and i don’t know how to tell him that.

i haven’t seen you in a while.
i’ve been busy.
remember that night when you got so high you couldn’t walk in a straight line and i had to hold you up in the elevator? that was fun, wasn’t it?
you weren’t exactly sober yourself. you know, you don’t have to look after me anymore. i can take care of myself, learn my own lessons. i wasn’t drunk, just very very hyped up. you shouldn’t have to follow me around and spoil your own good time.
you make it sound like i was forced to do it. i’m not. i want to. i want to look after you. i like looking after you on those nights.
i’m not talking about those nights. i’m talking about every single time. i don’t need you to cook me lunch, to hold my hand when we cross the road, to watch me while i sleep. nothing. i want you to stop.
D, i can’t.
why won’t you understand?
why won’t you?

i am so sick and tired of this. i have better things to think about, like how many sweaters to bring, which suitcase would carry more things, and when i’m going to actually tell someone that i’m leaving. even the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

Knife

2010-01-11T21:08:00.001+08:00

first post of 2010 so it has to be a happy one. well, not entirely anyway.

ok so the happy things are as follows.

1. i got into my first choice university.

2. my parents gave me a new laptop and a mobile phone.

3. i went shopping and found the most comfortable jeans. and i never wear jeans so wow.

now for the not so happy bits.

my university is in a whole new country. i’ve never been there before, and frankly, i’m terrified of having to live alone in somewhere i might not fit in. what if people there don’t like me? i mean, they could judge my personality, my ethnicity, my religion or my appearance, then decide that they don’t want to be friends with me. i’m so scared, i feel like throwing up. i’m going to super miss my family and friends here. i don’t know what i’ll do without them there with me.

i’m trying to focus on the good things like getting a top notch education and learning to be independent but i can’t. my friends aren’t really helping. they keep saying how great it is that i get to ‘flee the coop’, how fantastic my life is going to be away from my family. i love living with my family, they’re the only people i can trust to love me unconditionally. also, remarks such as “you’re sure to fit in, you’re so nice” and “only losers don’t make friends and you’re not a loser” don’t exactly sound reassuring. it’s not the keeping friends i’m worried about, it’s making the right first impression. which i can’t seem to do. i always come across as too sad or too snobby. mostly because i’ve got an upturned nose and a downturned mouth. not my fault, blame genetics! i tried smiling more often but when there’s nothing to smile about, you tend to feel like an idiot.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

random picture to cut the tension! these are one of my favourite snacks by the way. the wasabi ones especially. yeah, wasabi.

so tensed up right now. my stomach is in knots and i’m afraid i’ll get one of my panic attacks again. breathe, D, breathe.

oh, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! to everyone. i hope yours was lovely, cause they say that new year’s day is an indication of the rest of the year will go. i am so embarrassed but i can’t really remember my new year’s day. it was a blur. but anyway, i shouldn’t be bothered by things like that now. i’m more worried about university. sigh…

Good Times Gonna Come

2009-12-31T22:33:00.001+08:00

so the new year is only two hours away, and i couldn’t be more apprehensive. it is a shiny calendar of white squares, ready to be pencilled in with importants and don’t forgets and happy birthdays, a symbolic rebirth of a generation (according to RJ), and a reminder that i am getting older. we all are. some of us are just less enthusiastic about it. like me, in case you missed it. since i’m so subtle and all.

but negativity aside, i am glad that 2009 is almost over. it was a difficult year so i’m trying to put it behind me and move on, which i’m sure 2010 will help with. my dad bought me a jade pendant for good luck, and i’ll be putting it on at the stroke of midnight. i just thought it’d be a nice way to start off the new year. i was going to wear the green dress i got two weeks ago but i thought it’d be overkill. i think i haven’t dressed up in so long that i’m grabbing at every tiny opportunity to do so. i am going to wash my hair in a while though, to look good under the glow of the fireworks hahahahaha. no, seriously.

oh, i forgot about resolutions. i make these promises to myself every year and only keep two of them on average. yeah. i am brilliant, obviously. but this is going to be different [holds head high while inspirational music plays]. ok so maybe not, but the most important thing is to always be happy. that’s my resolution for this year. everyone should be happy. happy happy happy! although if your idea of happiness involves self mutilation, world destruction or anything along the lines of making someone else suffer, then i’m not talking to/about you.

in case you’re wondering, i plan to usher in 2010 by playing mystery case files: dire grove on the pc while watching the fireworks display from my apartment window. i decided not to go up to lookout point with the 11s so i could spend a bit more quality time with my family before i leave for university. that and the fact that my dad doesn’t trust GV’s driving, so he told me not to go if i valued my life. it’s been thunderstorming a lot recently and they are driving up a goddamn mountain so i got what he was trying to say.

here is part of my new year’s eve playlist. i’ve been listening to jose gonzalez’s heartbeats on repeat lately. i used to think it was quite boring but now i find it so sweet and charming. and i know everyone is raving about phoenix’s lisztomania, but i much prefer countdown. which is such a perfect song for the actual new year’s countdown. how about that eh? also, i’m not sure if you’re someone who enjoys really loud headboppy music, but you love her coz she’s dead is brilliant for when you just want to dance around in your room while no one is watching. i recommend bloodlust and superheroes. my brother says it’s pokemon on acid because of the beeps and boops in the background. i think they call it 8-bit, it’s got a lot of sounds that feel very videogamey. yeah. that’s a real word.

happy new year everyone! i hope it brings you much happiness and joy and wonderfulness! i love all of you!

Superheroes!

2009-12-23T06:24:00.001+08:00

new layout! i just wanted something happy and simple [and childish, as RJ would say] so this is the end result. since i’m terrible when it comes to html and stuff, i’m always a bit jealous of people who manage to tweak their blogs into pretty works of art, like fact not fiction. the gods of talent have forsaken me once again.

so christmas is almost here and i’m quite excited because i love seeing the fairy lights go up everywhere and hearing happy happy songs instead of rubbish like the jonas brothers and justin bieber. sad story, i thought justin bieber was a girl when ‘one time’ first popped up on the radio. i do think he’s super cute in the awwww i want to pinch those cheeks way, but that’s the only thing he’s got going for him. anyway, like i was saying before i digressed, i love christmas songs! my favourites are hark the herald angels sing, ave maria and the first noel! it’s really fun to sing along while you’re shopping. i was choosing books the other day and 12 days of christmas started playing in the background. this little boy and i were the only ones humming along. where is everyone else’s christmas spirit?!

oh, and if anyone wants to get me a christmas gift, i’d like these please.

super pretty crayons!

i love the anne of green gables series so this diary is wonderful!

this might just be the skirt of my dreams. sequins and shiny things in general make me happy!

that is all. have a holly jolly christmas and [in case i don’t blog by then] a very happy new year! i hope 2010 is loads better than 2009 was. i’m going to start writing down my resolutions while i’m still in the mood. enjoy the rest of the year while it lasts everyone!

Me Versus You

2009-12-11T15:24:00.001+08:00

so my mother got sick of watching me imitate a corpse on the couch and decided to bring me shopping. scratch that, she forced me into my jacket and dragged me into the car while i was half asleep.

i should thank her though because i ended up buying three pairs of shoes today [cue huge excited eyes], one of them being a pair of heels! not the sexy stiletto kind. they’re oxford heels.

this is the best picture i could find that most resembled the ones i bought. except mine are cut lower in the front [more toe cleavage. i hate that phrase] and aren’t as dark.

since i’m a sucker for punishment, i tried on a pair of 4 inch pumps in one of the shoe stores. well actually the store didn’t seem to have anything with a lower heel, but i thought i’d be fine. huge mistake. i swayed violently and nearly fell into a display cabinet even though all i hadn’t even taken one step. that’s right, i couldn’t even stand in them. the saleslady was nice enough to offer some assistance while some random woman hovered nearby and made snarky comments about me to her daughter.

…………

saleslady: perhaps a smaller size? are your feet sliding in place?

me: no. these fit fine. i just can’t stand in them. [laughs nervously]

random woman: [stage whispering] why would she want to wear heels if she can’t even stand in them? she’s waiting to break an ankle.

saleslady: perhaps different shoes? these are more comfortable [gestures to a hideous pair the colour of ceiling mold] and i think the heel height isn’t as bad.

me: umm no. anyway, i’m looking for something less casual. i need to wear these for an internship.

random woman: anyway, it’s not like she needs heels. she’s tall enough. girls these days just want to look sexy for their men. she won’t look so sexy when she falls down. you are lucky that you know how to walk in heels.

…………

umm… if i don’t buy a pair, how will i learn to walk in them? and didn’t i say that they were for an internship? i’m not looking for “come fck me” heels, as some women call them. i hate it when people assume that the only reason i do certain things is to look good for my boyfriend. or guys in general. it seems to happen a lot though.

…………

hey D, you cut your hair!

yeah! what do you think?

it looks good. the boy likes it better at shoulder length, does he?

huh? i…

that’s why you cut your hair, right?

or

is that jason mraz?! i love his songs! especially details in the fabric and bella luna!

oh, doesn’t the boy like those songs too? no wonder they’re your favourites.

…………

my existence is not defined by my significant other, and neither are my choices. is it so weird to want to look good for yourself? RJ hates the colour pink on girls, and he told me so the first time we met. does that mean i gave up wearing it? no, it’s my favourite colour. besides, i cannot afford to buy a whole new wardrobe every time someone makes a disparaging comment. this applies to everything else in life. i am only open to change when it betters me for me. if you tell me i stink cause i haven’t had a bath [this is just an example, i smell nice on a daily basis. really. ], i won’t mind, and i’ll probably run off to the showers in shame. however, if you tell me you hate my perfume because you don’t like the smell of strawberries, you’re insane if you think i am going to stop wearing it. granted, i’ll try not to put it on when i know you’ll be around, but i am not throwing it out. neither am i going to seek your approval the next time i buy a fragrance.

yeah. that was a longer entry than i expected. i should probably end this here now. have a nice day!

Lay Back And Shoot Stars

2009-12-08T22:18:00.001+08:00

i have another blog, one that’s just for family and friends to keep track of my life. my brother tagged me to reveal 8 things about myself there that not many people know, so i thought i’d post something like that here as well. since i haven’t been very inspired by anything else lately and all. heh.

so here are 8 random facts about me!

1. my second toe is slightly longer than my big toe. on both feet. apparently this means i’ll be the domineering one in my marriage. hahaha really? i don’t know if that’s a good thing, cause i’m more of a follower when it comes to my friends.

2. when i’m stressed, i like to blow bubbles out my window, and pretend that all my troubles are little people sitting on each bubble, floating away into nothingness.

3. my favourite animals are foxes, kiwis, and jellyfish.

4. i only have two moles [or beauty marks/spots, whatever you want to call them] on my face,and they’re both under my left eye, exactly like this.

mr. narumi from alice academy

except that the top one is just as small as the bottom one. my brother used to watch this anime and when he realized this similarity, he said he understood why i acted like a real cartoon character sometimes. mean.

5. my favourite section at the bookstore is the children’s section, especially the shelves with fairy books and nancy drews.

6. it’s safe to say none of you have ever seen my handwriting, but everyone who has says it’s wonderfully neat and tiny. personally, i don’t think there’s anything super nice about my handwriting. to give you a rough idea though, it is the same size as this type [maybe slightly smaller], and i write in print, not cursive. this saddens me, because i think cursive handwriting is beautiful. plus, my second grade english teacher used to say that print is for little kids and cursive is for adults. maybe one day i’ll show you a sample of it.

7. i am terrible at gambling, especially when i’m high, because then i’ll blow every bit of money i have recklessly. i am however, good at the card game bullshite. it is all the more remarkable when you take into account the fact that i never lie throughout the game, not because i don’t want to, but i just cannot lie to save my life.

8. my wardrobe is colour coordinated, right down to the clothing hangers [blue dresses with blue hangers, white dresses with white hangers] and my books are arranged in an elaborate system according to genre, author and personal rating. however, my hair is always a mess. whee for selective OCD-ness!

i tag whoever wants to do this, but let me know because i want to see your 8 random facts!!!

Too Too Too Fast

2009-12-02T01:09:00.000+08:00

today’s blog post will be a happy one because i really really need the distraction. can i do it? yes i can!

my old classmate (and by old i mean former, although he does act like he’s a 74 year old man on occasion) IY messaged me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie, and i started foaming at the mouth about fantastic mr. fox and how awesome the trailer looked. he laughed and said that he’d expected something along the lines of New Moon, because all his female friends were going crazy about it. i rolled my eyes three times and told him that i wasn’t a fan. then came the series of messages.

IY says: r u srs? u don’t like twilite/newmoon?

D says: yeah. i read the first book and didn’t like it. a friend and i watched twilight online and laughed the whole way through. honestly, there is no reason for me to sit through new moon!

IY says: wat bout robert patinson? all d girls here r all HE’S SO HOT OHHH DAT BELLA IS SOOO LUCKY!!!!

D says: oh please. he’s not my type.

IY says: lol then wat is? who i mean. oo maybe 1 of the hp guys?

D says: yes!

IY says: who? which 1? lemme guess… da guy who plays hp, daniel something.

D says: grosssss!

IY says: lol! ok, draco malfoy?

D says: tom felton? no.

IY says: red haired guy?

D says: rupert grint is cute too!!!

IY says: too? means dere’s some1 else as well. giv up. who?

D says: alan rickman!!! *fangirls insanely*

IY says: who?

D says: he plays snape.

IY says: OMGG DRIAE!!! DAT IS SO WRONG! HES OLD! ND HE PLAYS DIS GREASY BASTARD!

D says: but but but… i think he’s just perfect. his voice is like hot chocolate and he’s so dignified and wonderful and his looks get better with age like a fine wine!

IY says: SO GROSS!! DRIAE LIKES OLD MEN!

D says: he’s not that old.

IY says: HE’S LIKE 50!

D says: 63 actually.

IY says: WTH did u hit ur head on somethin? nt old. ya rite. 63 is old and hes old nd he’s not sexy.

D says:

i still think alan rickman is super attractive, mainly because of his voice. honestly, why do all the guys here not have a voice like that? am i being too demanding when i say that the man i marry should sound like alan rickman or jeremy irons? preferably the former. sigh… i am going to grow old alone, aren’t i.

My Dog Poppy

2009-11-28T21:42:00.004+08:00

i went back home on thursday because something terrible has happened. my dog Poppy is really sick. everyone else is trying to act optimistic but we all know it's very serious. she's only three years old so this is a huge blow to me. i spent that whole night looking after her and i cried so much when she yelped in pain every single time she moved. she's been given some shots and a whole load of pills to take so we're hoping she gets better. the worst part is finding out that she may never return to normal after this. i have never prayed so hard in my life.

i always thought that i'd gone through heartbreak before, but all those moments were nothing compared to watching her suffer like that. my whole body constricted with every breath i took and i remember thinking 'how am i ever going to be happy again?'. if only she would be the same dog we all loved again. i would endure a million breakups for that. i cannot stand seeing this empty shell in the place of my beautiful Poppy. she is part of my family, and my family is the most important thing to me.

this does put everything into perspective, and how grateful i should be for the small things in life. i never thought i'd be saying this, but i have been shocked into realizing how fragile our existence is. all these months i have been consumed with grief and rage over the boy, only to have all these feelings pale in comparison to the ocean of depression i am drowning in now. i feel like the stupidest, most selfish person in the world for letting anyone else take precedence over my family. so much shame and guilt.

i want to wake up tomorrow and find her chewing on her mountain of toys, or barking playfully at me. even just recognizing me will do. i miss the way she used to jump up and leave deep red scrawls down my legs. how she would scratch at my door in the middle of the night to be let in. she doesn't even respond to her favourite food anymore. i opened and shut the fridge door for three minutes just to see if she would perk up like she usually does when someone goes into the kitchen, but all she did was blink sadly, and i broke down for what felt like the millionth time.

my head feels like it's floating and my eyes are swollen from all the crying, but i don't know what else to do. i have never been good at waiting anything out, and every sleepless minute that goes by, my heart shatters into smaller pieces. why do we love? why do we give ourselves away so easily? sometimes i think it would be better if we never had feelings in the first place. like robots. like soulless machines that work quietly until they fade away. anything would be better than this right now.

House of Cards

2009-11-25T02:10:00.013+08:00

i think i might finally be sick of sushi cause that's all i've been eating for the past two weeks. sad. i can go for weeks (sometimes months) just eating the same food. yes, i am a creature of habit when it comes to my diet. i should probably broaden my menu or something. heh. yeah, i should write this down on my palm the next time i go to a restaurant. DON'T BE PREDICTABLE!

my dad flew back from hong kong with perfume which he bought at the duty free because he'd put off buying souvenirs until the last minute. like father, like daughter. but i love perfume so i was super excited. i tried the burberry one and was a bit disappointed. it smells really nice on my brother but not so much on me - too overpowering. the drydown is better than the top notes but i can't wait that long for my perfume to evaporate all the time. especially since it takes forever for this to wear off on me. i guess i'll be giving this to my brother.

but i do need a new fragrance for the warm spell we're about to be getting so i'm wondering which one to buy. i just want something light and summery. i tried asking ZR and YN for suggestions but they said they like the one i'm wearing now (DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom) and i should stick to that. RJ is pushing for the Givenchy Organza because he always uses my perfume after he's had a shower, and he likes spicier scents. sigh. we share custody of my iPod too, so he often tells me what songs i should upload into it. two weeks ago, he was spring cleaning the apartment (he wouldn't let me help) and decided he wanted to listen to some music while sweeping/mopping the floor. he scrolled through the playlist and proceeded to have a mini freak-out.

D... [sidles closer] are you busy now?

not really, why?

[starts blathering and waving hands wildly] have you listened to Radiohead's latest album?! in rainbows! ahhh it's so good ok you don't know! you don't even know!

umm ok. [not really listening anymore]

blablabla perfect blend of edgy riffs and lush melodies! [looks at me] hey! you're not listening to me anymore! [clutches my face and shakes it from side to side] LISTEN TO ME!

oh yeah yeah, go on.

Radiohead is God! Thom Yorke is a genius! i would let you have his babies so we could raise them as prodigal music pioneers of the future! [gets crazed look in his eyes]

uhhh i...

D YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! [grabs my hands and holds them very very tightly] i looked through your playlist and you don't have any songs from this album. so. what happens now? [huge puppy dog eyes]

i umm... i upload the album into my iPod?

i love you D, my love. [still holding my hands] so like i was saying, Radiohead is... [babbles on]

i like Radiohead as much as the next person but RJ is their number one fanboy. i fell asleep in the car the other day and woke up to him shouting YEAH YEAH RADIOHEAD IS NUMBER ONE at the radio, then nearly swerving into a passing moped. all because someone called the station to request that they play Creep. yes, i am surrounded by crazy people these days.

A Distorted Recollection

2009-11-21T13:13:00.004+08:00

in my head there are a million stars

and each one is falling to earth

and each one is caught in an empty jam jar then

shaped with a hammer into a tiny bright charm

hung from a silver strand around a neck

there are caves that smell like old books

with flowers inside that glow in the dark

and a little girl sells them in fistfuls

to people who sit amongst clouds

now i am walking on a long straight road

wearing a scarf that drapes on the grey

my breath escapes in bubbles and lace

someone bothered to say hello

someone tried to understand me

and i woke up with eyes half shut and wondering

am i really the only one who has these dreams?

Inspired By A Galaxy

2009-11-20T12:47:00.003+08:00

all those times someone said their heart was in their mouth and their heart was in their throat. and i said they were lying. i'm sorry. i believe you now.

daul kim, say hi to forever and how i never knew you. today i am so so sad.

Sunset Drama King

2009-11-09T20:00:00.029+08:00

i thought i'd give you something funny to read today, after weeks of the most depressing posts ever. behold, the barbeque party as told in ZR's journal. SB and i read it with her permission (she wanted me to know how worried she was that night) and we couldn't stop laughing. i thought it would make good blogging fodder so here it is. just so you know, i'm Mouse, the boy is Talls, PD is Outers and YN is Boobs. ZR has a flair for the dramatic. note the unnecessary exclamation points. it's like reading an Archie comic.

...

... so I walked in to check on Mouse because she hadn't come out in ten minutes and I found her lying on the bed! Like passed out and stuff! So I ran out to the living room and started panicking and I pulled Boobs' arm and told her "You have to do something, Mouse is unconcscious!" and we ran into the room to look at her! We called her name but she didn't move. I touched her forehead and OMG you could've cooked eggs on it!

I asked Boobs and Outers what we should do and they asked if Talls knew. I said no because he wasn't there yet and they told me that we should tell him because he's the one who always looks after Mouse! It just so happened that he had just arrived and we were quite amazed at the coincidence. We said hello and then we told him that Mouse was passed out on the bed and he rushed to check.

I am telling you, the next time we have some kind of emergency, we should ask Talls to take care of it! He looked at Mouse and asked if she'd been drinking and we said no! As if we would let her drink herself to death! Then he sat down next to her and picked her up and shook her lightly! And she woke up! It turns out she'd been sleeping! And Mouse was in a really deep sleep or something so she couldn't hear us shouting! We should've shaken her awake instead! Outers said we could have poured water on her but I guess we forgot. We were so worried!

So we all started cheering that she wasn't sick or anything but Talls shouted at us and asked us to get out because she needed to sleep. We were just so relieved okay?! He just told her to go back to sleep and he'd wake her when they were leaving because he was driving her home, then he put the blanket on her and chased us all out! From my room! He wouldn't even let me go in to take my lipstick until he was sure she was asleep again!

I guess the next time Mouse does that we need to make sure she's really fainted and stuff before panicking but it was just kind of scary because she never does that!!! Like at all the parties, she's the one who almost never sleeps! She'll just sit there listening to music or reading after everyone falls asleep and we'll wake up and see her smiling at the sunrise or something like that! And then last night she slept for six straight hours! A first! And I didn't know you feel so warm when you sleep! Mouse if you're reading this, never ever do that again! Tell us before you go to sleep next time okay!!!

...

oh god, everytime she tells me this story, i want to die laughing. i cannot believe that they thought i'd had a fainting spell of some sort. what she said about me never sleeping during the parties is true because i don't usually seem to feel tired even while everyone is crashing around me. however, i'd had two sleepless nights before that party and i just gave up, so i went to her room to rest. i must've have fallen asleep because the next thing i know, the boy was holding me and asking if i was alright. i mumbled that i wanted to lie down and he told me to go back to sleep. the rest of them started whooping and making the most annoying noises so i was really glad when everyone left. i think they were half drunk to have acted so stupidly that night.

also, hahaha at the smiling at sunrise part. i didn't know anyone was watching. i like the colours you see when the sunlight starts to spill over the skyline. very inspirational.

oh, and we all have weird nicknames because ZR thinks it's cute. mine is Mouse because she says i sneeze like one (what?! how would she know?) and i also have a childish voice or something. the boy's is Talls because he's tall. PD's is Outers because he is always passing out everywhere. and YN's is Boobs for obvious reasons - she wears an F cup. in case you're interested, ZR has her own nickname. it's K.O.Queen. because she can drink five cans of beer straight up and not get even the slightest bit tipsy. i am amazed.

Stab City

2009-11-08T03:17:00.000+08:00

i'm eating spoonfuls of green tea ice cream and wondering if i could squeeze my feet into size 36 shoes for a torturous wedding dinner. there is a certain charm about the way he drew a rabbit with eight whiskers on one cheek and five on the other. is it a hidden message? how about the fact that i wake up with swollen eyes after a good night's sleep, every single time? you can't expect the paint on the wall to dry faster just because you've been breathing on it while you're splayed out under the piano. maybe if you... if you stopped waiting for something to happen, you'll find the happiness you've been wishing for on falling leaves and half filled Chivas bottles.

Distraction Is A Gift

2009-11-03T17:23:00.003+08:00

my love life is beginning to sound like a bad fanfiction so i'm going to pretend it doesn't exist anymore. now i can focus on the more important things in life - shopping for new clothes. i threw out nearly half of the stuff in my wardrobe and realized too late that i have nothing to wear when attending casual events. i had to wear a dress to the barbeque a few nights back and didn't enjoy myself as much as i could've because i was too busy worrying about spilling anything over myself. SB solved the problem by upending his bottle of beer over (on?) my chest. i would've murdered him if he hadn't immediately ripped off his jacket for me to put on while giving me the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster.

so the plan is to (i think i use this phrase too often) buy a few pairs of shorts and tees, maybe a new cardigan and a pair of sandals. vintage is fine and dandy until your drunk friends decide that you're an alcoholic plant and must be watered fortnightly with equal doses of ice cream soda and Guinness. perhaps i should start leaving the price tags on my clothes, so i can force said "friends" to replace everything that they've managed to rip and/or stain.

speaking of bad fanfiction (as mentioned in the first paragraph so it's not a huge backtrack), i stumbled upon a very lengthy blog post detailing the drunken exploits of some guy from this band. Boys Like Girls, i think. are they supposed to be boys who like girls? or boys who are like girls? hmm... both perhaps?

anyway, many people commenting on this issue have been making the most delightful one-liners, ranging from bitingly snarky to downright deluded. after reading through pages and pages of their valuable insight, i am glad that i have never been a band groupie. it seems like too much hard work for nothing. getting leered at by strange men and having to endure their tongues down your throat your idea of fun, ladies? like they say, one man's trash...

now if you will excuse me, i'm off to sort through what's left of my wardrobe and make a list of things that i should be looking out for on my next shopping excursion.

Consequence

2009-10-31T12:15:00.005+08:00

so the posting is going to be sporadic from now on. it'll be like taking time off with little breaks in the middle to reminisce. dangerous, i know. i'm such a daredevil sometimes. and a masochist, if you hadn't noticed. i like eating chips straight from the fryer ohohoho... ok shutting up now.

in case you're wondering why the sudden downturn since the party on friday night?, i will fill you in on the details. long story short, i had made up my mind that i would treat the boy like a friend and nothing more. i'd also decided that if JY made her move, i was to smile and accept it as a good thing since it would help me forget him and all. sadly, life never goes the way i want it to.

at the party, the boy and i both got really high. after trying to avoid him for the whole night (while he in turn, ignored JY), he cornered me against a wall. he leaned in dangerously close while making eye contact, and we stood there for what must have been a whole minute, while everyone around us stopped what they were doing and turned to watch us. i know he was waiting for some sort of acquiescence on my part, but i couldn't do it. i pushed him away, half smiling to pretend that i was fine, then ran into ZR's room to cry. i was so angry at that moment, because i thought we were over this whole issue. what is the point of staying friends when you can't even respect that boundary? acting this way is what got us into this stupid mess in the first place.

after a few deep breaths, i went back out to confront him, only to be told that he'd gone out to smoke up. i was disappointed but relieved that i wouldn't have to see his reaction. once again, everyone else pretended that they hadn't seen anything wrong, if only for my benefit.

an hour later, just as i was beginning to enjoy myself, the boy returned. stoned of out his mind. he saw me half sleeping/half sitting on the couch and stumbled over. he then sat down next to me, gave me the most heartbreaking smile, then placed his head carefully on my ribcage. he mumbled something about always being the bad guy, even when he wasn't trying to be. how he couldn't even win in my dreams. that he could hear my heartbeat, and he was breathing in time with it.

then he fell asleep.

while i lay awake for the rest of the night, crying silently over how much we were hurting each other and the strangers we had become to each other, trying not to wake him up. i kept wondering why we couldn't seem to move on, why he wouldn't let me forget him. the time floated by so slowly that night. the six hours felt like forever, and every minute was stretched out by the sound of his breathing. perfectly melding with mine. even in his sleep.

we acted like everything was fine in the morning. when he woke up and i in turn passed out in ZR's bed. when he woke me up to drive me home before my lunch hour curfew. while he drove me past familiar grey buildings, listening to post metal (why?) and poorly remixed versions of Akon. when he waited for me to leave, to walk through the doors of the elevator, just like every other time.

but i'm going to be fine. he might not want to get better, but i am not planning on killing myself anytime soon. i've come a long way since june. i can't go back. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy.

Gone, Play On

2009-10-30T14:57:00.005+08:00

last day of internship and i think i'm going to miss this place. who would have thought? all my friends laughed when i said i was getting some sort of job, but i have lasted three months. the paycheck helped, i admit, but i liked the idea of doing something like this on my own for the first time.

i'm not sure if i'll ever type a post on this computer again. eat another lonely meal at the table, while dragging my heels on the floor. wear three sweaters to keep from freezing until i finally learned to survive with just one. so many scattered thoughts about this place but i can't rearrange them into sentences coherent enough for anyone else to understand.

i'll also sort of miss the boss, and how he skips coming into the office four days out of five, then rushes in for last minute paperwork. his frantic appeals for help when he has to use a computer. when he doesn't realize that i'm on the phone and wonders out loud why i'm talking to myself. he actually forgot that i was quitting twice, then slyly asked if i would consider coming back after a break.

and RS, who helped me a lot with my work. i've never heard her complain about a single thing i've done, although she's entitled to do much more than just mouth off, considering the mistakes i make sometimes. i'll probably buy her a gift and mail it to the office. just to say thank you.

only ten more minutes until i leave. i'm a bit anxious because i can't think of what to say. should i act happy? sad? are there unwritten rules about your behaviour on the last day of work? besides not making too big of a show packing your belongings into discreet canvas totes, of course.

the table looks so empty now. it doesn't feel right. where are the seven piles of paperwork, the scattered pens and the torn up memos? today seems like a strange day.

goodbye office. goodbye. it was a great run while it lasted.

If I'm Not Out Burning

2009-10-26T23:44:00.001+08:00

i can smell strawberry yoghurt from where i'm lying
i have ten fingernails but only one of them has a half moon
last night someone let off a whole slew of fireworks and this morning i saw fire engines rushing about madly
fridays are my favourite days though i was born on a wednesday
my mother taught me how to pop bubble wrap
in the same vein, my father taught me my first swear word
i am currently addicted to freecell, drawing Sanrio characters and watching past seasons of Skins
at ZR's party, the boy backed me up against a wall and leaned in so close i could hear him breathe me in
but i walked away crying
self destructing comes naturally these days

i think i am going to be taking a indefinite break from this blog. i want to gather my thoughts (like every other fcking time) and try not to kill myself. there are so many things i want to sort into piles, all neatly labeled and left to burn. starting with all those letters i wrote. i need to get over this. he's obviously not going to help, so i'll have to do this on my own.

remember that today, i love you. so so much.

Woods

2009-10-24T12:13:00.003+08:00

why can't i let you go?!

We Drink On The Job

2009-10-22T23:56:00.005+08:00

well, he's picking me up for the party tomorrow. PD was supposed to be doing that but the boy volunteered instead. i don't know what i'll say to him. it's always awkward sitting in a car with someone who you can't look in the eye. maybe i'll just start singing again.

Certain Things You Ought To Know

2009-10-21T00:32:00.000+08:00

he took me out for lunch on saturday. it rained so heavily, we couldn't see through the front windshield, and i was terrified that we'd crash but he kept saying he wouldn't lose control, not even for a second. still, i was relieved when we made it to my gate in one piece and reminded him to drive carefully on the way home.

PD and i were chatting later, and we were laughing about his terrible performance in a previous football game until he asked me if i had enjoyed the lunch. apparently the boy had been looking forward to it all week, even if he hadn't given me that impression. not trusting myself to speak, i just nodded my head.

two days later, ZR told me that she and PD were in this conversation with the boy on msn messenger (ohgod), and in the midst of it, the subject of our lunch was brought up. he told them that the lunch was great (he had second helpings) and everything went smoothly until the rain began to pour. to their (and my) immense surprise, he said that he had been scared on the inside because it was so hard to drive.

*part of the conversation that ZR sent me. the following exchange is between PD (who i'm going to kill) and the boy.

and i was just thinking, stay calm. stay calm. if it had just been me in that car, i would have been ok if the car crashed, but D was there. i didn't want anything to happen to her, so i pretended that everything was fine.
didn't she ask?
she did. before it started raining, she asked if i was tired because she knew i had not had any sleep the previous night, and also because work was brutal these past few days. i said no but i don't think she believed me. then when it was raining, i kept telling her it would be alright even when i couldn't see the road. for a whole half hour.
omfg insane. why didn't you stop or something?
she had a curfew.
like i said, insane.
yeah. scariest experience in a long time.
hahaha D must have been terrified since she hates driving and sh*t.
her face, you should have seen it. she closed her eyes three quarters of the time. and she was singing to herself. if it wasn't such a tense situation, i would have laughed.
hahahahaha what the hell was she singing?
i wasn't really listening cause i was concentrating on not crashing, but they were those songs that she likes. the ones no one's heard of besides her. haha and i know she was singing owl city at one point because she forced me to listen to him once. should i have started singing along?
she would have killed you hahahaha. she would have been like "OMGOMGOMG FOCUS ON YOUR DRIVING! STOP SINGING! DON'T KILL US! BREATHE D BREATHE!" hahahahaha!
sounds about right hahahaha. D thinks that just because she can't drive while talking or singing, no one else can.
did you tell her that?
and have her be all "shut up! shut up! if you're not going to drive properly, just let me get down here and i'll walk! and drive carefully! don't kill yourself ok!"? no thanks.
hahaha you've been spending too much time with her, cause you're getting really good at this imitating thing.
i wish.
haha so much for a refreshing lunch. you think she'll be up for another anytime soon?
screw you.

from the way they talk about me, i sound like such a loser. no wonder all their friends look at me with this half amused half pitying face when they first meet me. in all seriousness though, it was nice of the boy to have acted the way he did, but he should have told me! then we could have stopped somewhere and waited for the rain to let up! curfew be damned, my life is more important than that. his too, of course. boys and their weird ways.

World Spins Madly On

2009-10-20T14:47:00.004+08:00

ZR has convinced me to come for the party, so i'm going to try and think of a way. i'm not doing it for the boy (or JY) but because i deserve some time off. wish me luck! i am going to need every little bit i can get.

and today is a very special day. i have been blogging for three years now, eventhough i never even expected to make it past the first three months. i've always had trouble committing to something, so it's wonderful that i managed to keep this up for as long as i have. yay me! sadly, i forgot about this joyous occassion last year, so i'm going to make up for it this year.

happy third anniversary starsofglass.blogspot.com (currently barley for brains)!

i'm going to keep blogging until i get fed up, but i hope that won't be for years to come. since this is much easier than writing in a diary.

Passing Afternoon

2009-10-19T00:01:00.001+08:00

unfinished letter, found in a pocket of the grey dress with buttons. dated 17/7/2009.

the aftermath:-

i've given up on the colour green, it's just not meant to be, especially when it's both your favourite and mine. i don't need to be reminded of your fingers brushing mine towards shades of mint and jade in the paint section, or of the emerald dress i wore to meet you in the old parking lot. it is now pink, because you hated the colour and said it was too overdone, so how refreshing it was that i never wore or used it. thursday was a pink top, pink shorts, pink flats and even a pink cardigan with little hearts. i wish you could have seen me then. or would you still have said i looked good in anything?

i've stopped listening to that stupid song you thought was wonderful, the one about drugs and alcohol and sex(probably). it figures that your music choices would echo your lifestyle choices. you probably were hooked on the one called 'let's see how much i can make her cry yet still be in love with me' for the past six months. i know you did love me, i know you cared a lot. just not enough to stop hurting me the way you did. addictions are hard to kill off, but i wish i was worth giving it all up for. i really do.

one thing i can't bring myself to do is walk past that stone bench where i waited for you to recover whatever it is that you were on. or that window where you made stupid faces in to entertain me so i wouldn't remember how much my feet hurt, because my shoes were biting into them. or that balcony where i drew the people i knew and you wanted to know if i'd drawn you. i said no. i was lying. if you had opened the leather bag, you would have seen dozens of you, all crooked grins and messy haired and perfect in the way only you are. i can't walk past all these places but sometimes i have to, only i don't and i make up stories to explain why i can't. i think everyone sees through the lies, how pathetic i am and how i end up running away from problems instead of unravelling them.

i never realized how many pictures i have of you until i had to delete them off my phone, one by one. you're pulling me into the frame, your arms extended towards the sky, happiness exuding from you. my face is partially blocked by my purse but you can see my eyes clearly - they look genuinely carefree for once. i even know what happens after that picture. you tell me how t---

There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease

2009-10-17T18:32:00.004+08:00

it is nothing like what i thought it would be
when he looked at me i felt as if my heart would burst
with his goodbye
while he waited for me to walk away
looking hopefully for that one sign of weakness
said 'i'll always be here
'no matter what happens to me
'i will watch you and keep you safe
my feet were cement blocks but i kept on going
i just want to be happy again

Early Morning Ambulance

2009-10-16T14:02:00.001+08:00

who you are/have been/will always be to me

the lines etched into my palm
sips of black coffee
pieces of a broken test tube
the reflection i see in every shard
a bitten off expletive
staccato laughter
the silence after a thunderstorm
torn canvas shoes
pillows that smell like smoke
an empty vodka bottle
an empty heart

I'm Kicking Myself

2009-10-15T12:23:00.008+08:00

i asked YN what i should do regarding my previous problem and she told me to leave it alone. i asked if this was a form of jealousy and she said it might be so oh dear. i guess i deserved this slap in the face because it is no different from me constantly reminding the boy that we should just move on. this is probably how he felt all those fifty three or so times.

ok, you should know that when i'm high/tipsy/drunk, i tend to be very noisy and all over the place. i babble on and on, run around like a hyperactive 5 year old and sing cheesy pop songs at the top of my voice. when i wake up in the morning, i can't really remember everything in great detail- there are gaps in my memory - and my friends will fill me in on what happened. for example, i can remember eating something sweet but not what it was exactly, so YN will tell me that i was actually scoffing green tea ice cream.

hahaha and yesterday evening, she told me that at the last party, i was a bit cold and standoffish. probably because i was watching the boy and JY. apparently (according to YN and ZR) one of ZR's friends has liked me since the first party, but we were never introduced to each other (and the boy was always with me) so he hovered around me shyly every single time. at the last party, he saw that i was alone and thought he might try his luck.

YN said that i was sitting on the couch and drinking moodily while staring into a corner (at the boy and JY, no doubt) and she had settled on the other end. ZR's friend - we'll call him RG - walked over to talk to me. YN loves to eavesdrop so she scooted closer to listen in. from what she overheard, the conversation went something like this.

hi.
hi.
i remember you. do you remember me from the last party?
eh? i think so. you're the guy with the really cool phone right?
hahaha, it's ok. my name's RG. *sits down next to me*
oh. hi RG. i'm...
D, i know. we met at the last party, even if you don't remember.
i'm really sorry. i'm terrible with names and faces.
i was the guy that hugged you goodbye.
*blank face*
nevermind. so anyway, are you enjoying the party?
oh yeah. yeah. it's fun. *stares at something in the corner*
can i get you something to drink?
it's fine, i have this. *pats bottle next to me*
oh. ok. so, are you from around here?
no.
are you planning to study here?
no.
ok. umm... *looks around for something/someone to talk about?* IR said that you play the piano. are you any good?
no.
well, that's ok. i don't play a musical instrument so you're really good in my eyes.
oh. thanks. listen, i'm a bit tired so do you mind if i just put my head down while we talk?
no no, not at all. *YN says that she thinks he assumed i wanted to rest my head on his shoulder so he straightened up*
thank you. *rests head on arm of couch*
oh. *disappointed smile* you're welcome.

YN said that he continued talking and i started to warm up a little, and then i excused myself to go to the bathroom and didn't return after 20 minutes so he went looking for me. i had locked myself in ZR's room and tried to go to sleep but it didn't work. meanwhile, having realized that i wasn't coming back, RG went off and got drunk. later, i came outside to get some fresh air and he returned to hover around me. we ended up sitting on the couch again while he tried to clear his head. after a while, he fell asleep on my shoulder and i was afraid to move. when he woke up, he went to wash his face and started throwing up instead.

he had to be carried by the boy and PD to his own apartment because he couldn't walk. he passed out in the kitchen trying to get some water. i feel so bad for laughing everytime i think about it but before they dragged him away, he saw me watching the whole thing and waved goodbye. omghahahaha his face was just priceless.

but i'm really sorry that i was such a frigid bitch to him that night, even though i can't remember most of this. only the part where i came out of the room and he fell asleep on my shoulder. sigh, maybe i should stop drinking so i can actually keep track of what i'm doing.

and no, i'm not interested in him at all. he's nice/funny but i'm just not ready for a new relationship, especially when i can't seem to get over the last one. if we end up talking at the next party, i think i'll try and get the hint in that i'm not available.

but YN and ZR suggested that i flirt back to annoy the boy. and he's also really rich so they think i could get something out of it. what good friends they are. they should've played some kanye in the background while they told me this though.

now i ain't saying she a gold digger...

In Case of Rapture

2009-10-13T22:58:00.004+08:00

in a week, ZR will be throwing another house party and i'm not sure if i can go, since the parents have become even more overprotective over the past few months. normally i wouldn't mind, but this time it is different. if i don't go, i'm afraid of change. the bad kind of change. because...

the boy is going too, as always. as i mentioned before, we're still pretty close and whenever we meet up, it feels just like old times. we talk, we laugh, we sit in comfortable silence until someone (me) falls asleep first. he's never said so, but everyone else has told me that whenever i'm tipsy (or about to be), he goes into this super caring mode and starts to hover around me. watching whatever i drink or eat, holding my hand as we walk up and down the stairs, tucking me into bed after i've passed out. i can't really tell if this is true because i can never quite remember these nights. i just know that i'm very happy to see him again, even if the nearness of him makes me dizzy, because it's nice to know that we can still be friends. keep in mind that i am not going back to him anytime soon, unless we both mature a little.

now for the problem.

at the first party ZR threw in her dorm, we (the boy and i) were introduced to her course mate JY. she seemed nice, we exchanged pleasantries and smiled at each other. i didn't notice it at the time, but she had a thing for the boy. she kept trying to engage him in conversation and laughing at everything he said. when i arrived, she'd been talking to him about her studies. after we were done saying hello, the boy decided to have a chat with me instead and we sat down on the couch to talk about the things we'd been up to lately. i didn't think she'd mind, especially since she'd just met him and we were all mingling around.

around a half hour into the conversation, JY turned up looking extremely drunk and made some remarks about me that were a bit disturbing, but i chalked it up to the alcohol. after a few moments of her drunken rambling, she left, so the boy and i continued talking. an hour later, she returned to hurl abuse at me, insulting my clothes/looks/personality in not so subtle ways. i got rather upset and walked away, the boy following close behind. ZR and another friend pulled her off into a bedroom to sleep it off, and i thought that was the end of it.

later, YN told me that JY had insinuated that i was 'easy' and wanted to know why the boy had spent most of the night with me. she asked if we were dating, and YN kept quiet. obviously not the answer she had wanted because she continued to make hurtful remarks about me to YN and everyone in the vicnity. when i heard this, i was quite angry at first, but then i felt sorry for her because she had made herself look like an idiot in front of everyone. i understood what it was like to want someone that badly -the raw hurt- after all, june hadn't been that long ago, and i forgave her.

at the next party, i arrived a little earlier than the boy, and JY was one of the few people who were there. thinking that i could use this opportunity to start over with her, i walked over and said hi. to my surprise, she ignored my greeting and asked me if i planned to have a raunchy (read: slutty) night. i wanted to say something to defend myself, but the boy walked in at that moment. JY immediately bounced over to him, offered him a sip of her beer (he declined), then draped herself over his arms, all while giving me a satisfied smirk. confused, i smiled a hello at him and before he could open his mouth, she had pulled him away to the balcony.

for the rest of the night, i tried not to get upset while she dragged him off to dark corners and flirted heavily with him. everytime he came over to talk to me, she would appear out of nowhere and lay her hand on his arm protectively. he didn't seem to be interested in her or her 'moves' but you can never tell with the boy. he keeps his feelings to himself. ZR and Y took turns to sit by me and dole out consoling hugs, although they too pretended that nothing was wrong.

i'd like to think that i could be happy for the boy if he found another girl who wasn't iffy about our friendship. a girl who would reach out to me too, someone with a lovely personality, someone i could also call a friend. but if he were to date JY, i know she would eventually ruin our friendship because she is that type of person. and the boy is unpredictable when it comes to the girls he goes out with (i don't know if i've just managed to insult myself here) so i can't say for sure that he isn't or wouldn't be attracted to her.

if i don't go to the next party, she might make a move on him since i wouldn't be around. in all honesty, i wouldn't do anything to stop her should i be present, but... i feel as if i would rather see it happening for myself (if it does happen) than hear about it from someone else. a twisted sort of closure, i guess. maybe i'm just jealous? i hope not. i really do.

what happens now? do i go to the party? or is this a sign that i should move on? i'm so stupid, i know, but i can't seem to cure myself of this. apparently eating frozen yogurt straight from the tub while reading caro peacock doesn't solve all problems. i just...

Maybe I'm Tired

2009-10-11T23:52:00.001+08:00

well maybe i'm just scared

scared to let you go
i want you to know
right from hello
your love just kept me wondering

as tall as lions

This Girl Is Taking Bets

2009-10-03T20:52:00.014+08:00

this is going to be a really long post, so if you do read it i am very very grateful.

i've been at the office all week sorting files and helping out wherever i can because the legal assistant has been having some problems. from what i overheard (unintentionally!), her boyfriend/lover was cheating on her, then dumped her and ran off with her car so she had to take some time off to sort everything out. i feel really bad for her and i hope she manages to pull through.

instead of today's post being all rambly and/or soppy, i'd like to talk about more serious matters, the first being the recent natural disasters in the Philippines, Indonesia, Samoa, and various other nations. people are desperate for help all over the world, and i hope everyone reading this makes an effort to donate something. every little bit helps. even the $5 you spend on coffee everyday makes a difference. give up your iced frappucino for a day. it would mean a lot to all those people out there who are now waiting for a second chance at life. they really need all the help they can get.

the second issue i would like to talk about pertains to this incredible person.

if you've never heard of him, i sort of envy you

now colour me stupid, but i fail to see why anyone is even supporting this moron. some people have thrown out reasons like:-

"he's old! do you want him to die in jail?!"
yes, he's old. does that excuse what he did? no. he was capable of rational thought but he chose to commit an act that he knew was wrong. why do you think he fled the country? for a 30 year vacation? he gave alcohol to a 13 year old, then drugged her, then raped her.

"jail is for rehabilitation! he's turned over a new leaf! why do we need to put him there?!"
wrong again. jail is also used to punish people, and safely lock up those who are a danger to society. pedophiles, hebephiles and rapists included. it would also serve as a deterrent to other perverts out there thinking they might be able to get away with their own disgusting crimes.

"she wasn't a virgin when he 'raped' her! she was a slut!"
so she'd had sex before, boo fcking hoo. this is one of the worst excuses ever. are you saying that anyone who isn't a virgin will automatically consent to having sex with any random person? so by that logic, you could force yourself upon someone else's mother and it wouldn't count. because she wasn't a virgin, remember? because she was a slut, right? granted, she shouldn't have been having sex at such a young age but when it came down to sleeping with Roman Polanski, she said no. and he ignored her constant refusal. to quote Kate Harding:-

"A rapist is nothing but a man who doesn't listen when you say stop."

and if you're going to argue that she might have lied and everything was in fact consensual, i'm just going to remind you that she was underaged. add in the fact that she was drunk and drugged, and it's pretty obvious that the whole thing was plain wrong.

"hasn't he suffered enough? not being able to return to america! not being able to collect his oscar in person! not being able to visit his wife's grave!"
yes, because living in the lap of luxury while jetsetting between countries that wouldn't turn him in was pure pain. and oh dear, he didn't get to go to the oscars? sacrilege!

look at the chalet he owns in switzerland! if he's put under house arrest, this is where he would have to stay. what suffering indeed.

"he suffered great trauma when he was younger! of course he's screwed up! we need to forgive!"
hahahaha at this. there are many people out there who have experienced great tragedies at a young age but have grown up to be exemplary adults. i'm sorry that he had to go through such hardships as a child but this doesn't excuse his behaviour.

"the victim doesn't want the case to go to trial! she is the only person whose decision matters!"
this is a touchy subject. it is true that she has asked for the case to be dropped, but she isn't the only victim out there. her case is one of millions, there are many out there who are being sexually abused everyday. to not convict him would show how flawed the judicial system is, and it would deter many survivors of sexual abuse from coming forward out of fear that this situation might happen to them.

"he was detained in switzerland although he was supposed to have immunity there. it's a neutral country! he was there to accept an award at a highly respected film festival as an outstanding director! his movies are genius!"
you're right, what were they thinking? hauling out such an amazing artist from a prestigous event like that, pfft...
i'd like to sleep at night knowing that criminals are caught wherever they flee to, and not protected by stupid things like film festivals and award winning movies. you can still appreciate his work, but you don't have to pardon him just because he produced masterpieces. we have to learn to separate the man from his films. in my opinion, they didn't arrest a director at that film festival. they arrested a child rapist, and that is all that needs to be said.

"why now? it's been 30 years! if it was such a big deal they would've gotten him years ago."
it is a big deal, and they did make 5 attempts to get him back to the US. however, it isn't the easiest thing in the world when France (and the other countries he traveled in) refused to extradite him. he made sure to only set foot in countries without extradition agreements with the US. blame him for running away in the first place.

"what if it was consensual?"
still rape. having sexual relations with a 13 year old is illegal! if it was consensual, it would be statutory rape. he didn't serve time for that either and ran away instead before the judge could pass a sentence.

to all these idiots, thank you for making me feel so much smarter today. i've been doubting my intelligence for a while now, but not anymore!

i'm sorry if i'm being harsh, but sexual abuse (especially when it concerns minors) is something i feel very strongly about, so i cannot stand it when people choose to defend and make excuses for anyone who has committed a sexual offense.

if you want a good biased read, i'd suggest Anne Applebaum or Joan Z. Shore over here. true geniuses. just like Whoopi "rape-rape" Goldberg. however, Anna Wainwright, Kate Harding, Eve Ensler and Michael Seitzman all wrote articles worth looking through.

maybe i'm alone in thinking this, but i believe that he should be made to serve his time. it would be a different story if it turns out that the girl had made up this story, but i highly doubt it considering that he's already confessed. i'm just so tired of seeing people get away with everything just because they're famous, know the right people or have done something wonderful. there are many grey areas in life, but this doesn't seem like one of them. i hope someone out there understands what i'm trying to say. whether he deserves jail time is not for me to decide, but the bottom line is that no one should be above the law. no one.

Dark Ice

2009-09-29T12:05:00.002+08:00

i recorded myself talking last night, and wow. my friends were right, i do sound like a kid. i mean, i wasn't expecting to hear a sexy and seductive purr emanating from the speakers but this is ridiculous. even with a sore throat, my voice brings to mind a twelve year old who's just gotten her first bra.

funny story though; when i went bra shopping the other day, i was directed towards this boring looking pile of undergarments. no wonder they looked so bland, they were for little girls! apparently the only bras in my size were from the junior department. in fact, the one i am wearing now has the words my first bra stitched on the side. brilliant. why am i even talking about this?

so anyway... i might have been exaggerating a little when i said i sounded like a child but not by much. most of my friends have deep, sultry voices, and get compliments like 'you sound like an old time Hollywood actress' or 'has anyone ever told you that your voice could melt butter?'. on the other hand, the best compliment i have ever received on my voice was 'have you thought about becoming a voice actress for disney?' and once when i was in college, some girl i'd never met before heard my voice from inside a classroom and thought it was someone's litte sister speaking. when she saw it was me, she squealed 'you have such a cute voice' and pinched my cheeks. hard.

is there any wonder why my friends never take me seriously? not only do i act like a child, i apparently sound like one too. this explains why i'm never allowed to be by myself or to handle glassware around them. whee.

Silver Lining

2009-09-22T19:52:00.005+08:00

i still love pokemon! the game, not the series. the music was one of the best things about it.

the name also somewhat reminded me of the colour of the new display picture. and i thought the header suited the blog title more than the previous one. which led to me revamping the sidebar (not completely) and being a bit trigger happy with some things. change is good, right?

but if this header is too happy and sunshiney for you, let me know. we can make this work!

To Be Happy

2009-09-21T16:43:00.005+08:00

last last night while you put your hand on my head and draped your jacket around my shoulders and watched me shred pink tissue paper into an ashtray, i died.

it just made me sad to think about it, that maybe it has always been the other way around. perhaps you've been the one who cared most, not me. you pick sugar crystals from my hair and scatter sparks from your cigarettes around my feet, while i just sit there smiling.

i can forgive you because i have hurt you more. all those moments i spent carving your name into wooden benches, you were carving my name on the inside of your eyelids. fck it. i shouldn't have left you that day in june, traced a final i love you in the air and gotten into that car.

if all this seems broken and unintelligible, that's because it is. my thoughts fragmented. i can spit out a million and eight excuses, but somewhere in the middle we got turned around, and now you're where i was and i'm where you used to be.

i think i need help. i need help but i have no one left to turn to. so i keep on spinning and spinning, waiting for you to stop loving me so i can finally stop thinking of you.

Folds In Your Hands

2009-09-18T16:56:00.007+08:00

what will i say to you? should i be the first to speak? would a hello suffice, or are more words required?

i am so confused right now. all i want is to sit in the shower for as long as i can hold my breath and try to forget you under the relentless stream of cold water. i know we'll end up talking in the end, because you have never let me walk away without a fight. if only you didn't love me still, it would be so much easier to let you go.

three more hours until i fall back in again.

Turn Slowly

2009-09-16T17:22:00.000+08:00

i smiled into my palm that night, when you said you still loved me. i will never admit how much i want to forget the promise i made to myself - to never be that vulnerable again. it's difficult when you're pressed up against my back, so close that i can feel your heartbeat through bare skin. i tried running away, clutching my throat so i wouldn't accidentally tell you how much i loved you too, but you always found me. behind doors to cold empty rooms, watching the sunrise mirror the flush of my skin at your touch, eyes searching for the slightest hint of remorse.

this isn't rock bottom anymore. this is me scraping every facet i can retain of you and wrapping them up in gilt. or guilt. whichever works best.

All This Beauty

2009-09-15T19:39:00.003+08:00

we traveled all night
we drank the ocean dry
and watched the sun rise

you can ask about it
but nobody knows the way
no bread-crumb trail
to follow through your days
it takes an axe sometimes
a feather in the sunshine
and bad weather
it's a matter of getting deeper in
anyway you can

the weepies

Messengers

2009-09-14T11:47:00.000+08:00

Written on the 17th of February, after the Valentine Day disappointment. I found this one taped to the underside of my bed. I must have hidden it because of all the feelings it evoked in me.

When I am with you, I am a cloud of emotions. I want to hold you and breathe in deeply, but I am afraid to because these days you smell like vodka and smoke. I cry when that happens. The times that I walk by you without a hello or a smile are the moments I keep replaying in my head. I have hurt you, yes I have hurt you, but you should know you have hurt me more.

Do you know the vast oceanfuls of time I spend thinking of you? Unstable memories slowly consuming me when I least expect it. Five minutes ago I was struck in the face by one - some girl in a blue denim miniskirt and perfect hair asked where you were. I told her I wasn't sure, and she said she should've known better. What does that mean, exactly? Should I know better too?

And you said you hated pretentious poetry, you who wrote my name on my hand and told me to always remember it, you who watched me walk away every single time only to turn around and come back. You make it worse by just loving me, flaws and all. I try to change you but all you ever tell me is how perfect I am. How do I go on? I can't pretend that I'm happy anymore.

But I just don't have it in me to let you go. You're always the shoulder to cry on, the one who holds my hair back while I throw up carbonated drinks and unstable emotions into the bathroom sink, the boy who does it all so that I don't have to. I owe you that much. The fact that you still love me despite all the mistakes I've made tells me not to leave you now, not when you need me the most.

Tomorrow, I will wait for you outside your door with a big smile, and I will tell you how much I love you. I will hold your hand and sing your favourite song and laugh at your jokes. You will say that you're sorry, like you always do, and I will stroke your cheek and tell you that I have forgiven you. Like I always do. Like I always will.

If My Heart Was A House

2009-09-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

i had a dream last night that we were candle makers in an abandoned house. we were melting wax and moulding armadillos with our fingers, trying not to get burned. you (was it really you? i'm not sure anymore) turned to me and said do you still eat sugar on buttered toast? then you kissed me, tears running down both our faces, until i drew back.

and i realized that we'd been holding hands the whole time, so i let yours go, and there was a tiny lit candle on my palm. you were gone when i looked up again, along with the house and the candles and the fire.

when i woke up this morning, my pillow was wet and my eyes were swollen.

Portions of Foxes

2009-09-10T13:55:00.001+08:00

when i was ten...

i got my first marriage proposal. at my school, we had envelopes glued to the front of our tables with our names on them in block letters. one day, i opened mine to find a crudely made card in the shape of a large red heart. inside were the words i love you d, you are the best. marry me? although i'd never hated boys (my first best friend was a boy), i was surrounded by girls who still did. needless to say, my friends descended upon me with mocking laughs and shouts of eew gross! are you really going to keep that? i was mortified. later that day, i threw the card in the trash can with everyone watching. then i went home and cried.

my brother and i pretended we were adventurers who had to save the world from evil mutated flowers. every flower within our arms reach was torn apart. luckily for our mother's garden, we were soon distracted by the new bikes our father had bought for us. my mother decided to teach us how to ride them, but the lesson ended with me crashing into a storm drain. i was furious and wouldn't speak to her for the rest of the day. this vow of silence was broken when she asked if i wanted chocolate or strawberry ice cream with my waffles.

i played the piano religiously, and the only songs i really listened to were the golden oldies (michael learns to rock, eric clapton) and classical pieces. this was because we never turned on the radio at my home. my father would play his records every evening, and the whole family would sing along to them while we did our homework or played board games. my favourite was monopoly eventhough i rarely won.

i was so shy i wouldn't even say hello to people i knew well. i had a huge fear of being disliked and was always worried about how people must think of me. nearly every morning at school, i sat at my desk waiting for someone to speak to me first. once, i came to school early and was spotted by an eighth grade teacher who'd seen me around school. she waved at me and i panicked and ran. she later asked to see me after classes had ended, wanting to know if she had done anything wrong. my parents always sat me down to give me advice on how to combat my low self confidence and intense shyness because they were afraid that it would kill my social life when i grew up.

now that i am nineteen...

i am still hopeless when it comes to my love life. i attract mainly losers and perverts who for some inexplicable reason, think they have a chance with me. i have had men grab at me from their cars while i am standing on the sidewalk, been followed into the ladies' room at the mall and even stalked by a group of men while leaving the cinema. there must be something very wrong with me. the last marriage proposal (i didn't take it seriously) i got was earlier this year from a boy who ended up leaving me heartbroken.

i stopped riding a bike years ago and managed to completely forget how to even get on one properly. when i was at BB's house, she made me use her sister's bike, and i promptly rode into a tree. my brother and i stopped playing imagination games, although we sometimes pretend to be characters we love (daria, hannibal lecter, professor oak). we don't eat waffles much these days either, although everyone now knows better than to ask if i want strawberry or chocolate (it's always strawberry). also, i don't destroy innocent plant life anymore.

my headphones are almost permanently attached to my ears. i still love playing the piano, although now it's just for fun, and i enjoy classical pieces from time to time. i can still sing along to all my parents' favourite songs, and it was a great help when i joined the choir last year because the choir master is a huge fan of the beatles and abba. i think my music tastes have improved quite drastically in the past eight years, although i'm sometimes referred to as a music snob when people browse through my iPod. sadly, we don't play board games together as often as we used to, but my mother is a huge hidden objects game fanatic, and we have regular bonding sessions over Mystery Case Files.

i am much better around the people i am close to, and i am not afraid to run up and say hi or throw my arms around them for a hug. i am still very shy when it comes to strangers, although i sometimes make a huge effort to speak. i am always afraid that i am not cool enough or worth getting to know, and my shyness has led to me often being called stuck up. i'm happy to say that everyone changes their opinion once they get to know me, but it still makes me feel insecure. i still often worry that my friends don't really like me as much as they seem to. the only opinions that matter to me these days are of my family and friends. i'm working on the self confidence issue, and hopefully one day i will be able to have a conversation in which i make eye contact with the other person at least half the time.