28.10.10

So Much More To Say

.

i wish you’d call my name
take my hand
but i can’t
my heart will break again
every time i say i love you

.

4135846185_bd3d0d0a4b_large-pola

.

23.10.10

Eat, Sleep, Repeat

.

the boy.

.

tumblr_l6zvawmCyT1qc9q7p_large-pola

.

is elusive, not wholly flesh and blood at times when i look at him through a fog of cheap drinks and smoke. his name trapped in the nib of a pen, i drag it across paper again and again. theboytheboytheboytheboy in black ink, green ink, a red sharpie on the edge of my feet. it must be love, it must be. a cardboard box heart filled with this pellucid love. i don’t care if he goes, as long as he comes back. do you know, there was this one night when he was so tired, but he stayed up watching me sleep. and when i woke up, he had finally drifted off, but his fingers were resting lightly on my cheek. i cry so much these days.

how do i cure this? the usual medication doesn’t work – liberal doses of strawberry ice cream, uninterrupted shopping binges, a wall of music, screaming until my voice is a scratched up record… and everyday i grow wearier. he said i am so predictable, a pattern, a rhythm in his list of unfinished songs.  i’ve never seen him play the guitar, i just realised. why?

i always thought i had a built in compass for these things. heartbreak approaching, move backwards. all those girls singing about counting iloveyous on rose petals and secret messages through bedroom windows. i knew. so many indiscriminate gestures return to slap you in the face.

the boy. replete with all the things that i said i wanted, all the things i said i was wishing for and yet. the nebulous recollection that when i was younger, i had a dream where i was crying and looking for someone i’d never met before. and eight years later, the jump and an oneiric feeling in the pit of my throat. here it is, i was right all along.

.

6.10.10

The Trapeze Swinger

.

tumblr_l9oi0zJGTb1qcck99o1_500_large-pola

.

i kept him waiting in the car for a whole half hour while i lay on the floor, hoping that tonight would turn out alright. when i got in, he asked me why i was crying. for a brief moment, i wanted to tell him everything. then nothing.

so we drove along, with him saying all the right words. i tried opening my mouth, but nothing came out. just this sharp intake of breath. the streetlights were bright and the roads were empty.

he wouldn’t believe me at dinner, when i said that i was fine. he told me about his hopes and dreams, i listened without really understanding. and he watched me solve a rubik’s cube over and over again.

do you ever forget?” he asked. “do you ever get stuck?”

“no. there isn’t a combination that doesn’t have a solution. i just turn it until i know how to fix it. there’s always a way to fix it.” i held it out to him.

i wasn’t talking about the cube.”

he scrambled it, taking his time to make sure it would be hard to solve. but he ended up making it easier for me.

“too easy. you made it too easy.”

i wish i could do that every time you had a problem.” he smiled at me with so much love, my heart broke.

and then we were sitting on the sidewalk, watching people stumble by in their clubbing finery, puking their guts out in dark corners. one girl threw up all over her shoes, her long hair falling in her face. her friend stood next to her, not bothering to help.

i would hold your hair back.” he said.

“i didn’t ask.”

we walked to the store. he held the door open and paid for the drink. when we crossed the road, he gripped my hand tightly so i wouldn’t get run over. his fingers felt cold because i was feverish. i said it in my head, as loud as i could – i love you. i love you. i love you. my chest started to hurt.

he stopped walking and turned to me.

i love you too.”

and i pretended i hadn’t heard it, and he pretended he hadn’t said it. the radio played iron & wine all the way home while i tried not to cry.

.