Love For Heartbeats



he says ‘i love you’, but i don’t believe him. the familiarity does things to us, lets us believe that we are happy when we’re not. we hold hands without knowing the real meaning behind the gesture, we live because it’s what we’ve always done. i can’t remember the last time i was alone. no one to sit with me, fold my hair back, sing me love songs, watch me so i don’t spread my wings from the eleventh floor and fly fly fly to the streetlights below.

i thought i loved someone, and i think i still do, just not in the right way. i wrote his name on my arms, over and over again, until the ink ran out and my skin tore. he took my words and gave them back to me, like the first time we met.

with every late night, how you knew i was home after all this while, a cupped hand within a felt hat, the real you suppressed and footfalls of broken promises. i make up my mind, you break my heart all over again by staying. don’t stay. don’t go. i can’t decide. familiarity, it does these things to us.


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There Is No Such Place




i’ve reached this point in my life where nothing makes sense at all. not one single thing. i keep telling myself that when i wake up tomorrow, that upside down feeling will have gone away. i say this every single day but i still keep wondering why everything is disassembled. it slaps me across the face, the impermanence of being alive.

i am so sorry that i never got a chance to see you again mr. c. you were a wonderful teacher, and i want you to know how much you were loved, even towards the end. i don’t think any one of us will ever forget you. wherever you are now, i hope you’re happy.



Always Right


hansel and i went to ikea last week because we had the silly notion that we could make our rooms feel a little more like home. actually hansel is very good at interior decorating so i guess i was the only idiot there. anyway, we were walking around when we saw the toy section, so obviously wonderful me had to muck about with the stuffed animals and coloured markers, much to the horror of many parents and their children. i was too busy putting on a small skit with the elephant and crocodile sock puppets to notice that hansel had slunk away to look at something more mature. heh. i got a little fairy lamp for myself.

we had lunch there too! i really love lunching at ikea because the food is excellent (imo) and the atmosphere is fun! i always get the daim cake and a helping of chips with whatever’s on the vegetarian menu that day, which turned out to be quiche. naturally i got too overexcited and tried to eat all three things at once which resulted in quite a bit of spillage and hansel pretending that we didn’t know each other. as you can see, my friends love me dearly.

i ended up buying tons of snacks and sparkling juice from the food section instead of stuff to furnish my room. in my deluded mind, i felt that blueberry cordial was tons more necessary than a throw blanket, so i only have myself to blame now that the temperature is 6 degrees and i’m shivering my skin off. but then again, the sign did say ‘mix into hot water on a cold winter’s day for a comforting drink’ so i was clearly on the right track! which also reminds me that my kettle is broken… sad face.

the best part was lugging both bags (reusable of course!) onto the bus, and then back to college. those ten minutes of walking felt like purgatory. i was so thirsty when i reached my room that i drank all the apple juice, which kind of sucked because it was supposed to last me until tuesday. in my grief, i ate both cheese danishes as well. good job D, good job. one day when my metabolism slows down, i’m going to be a giant blob.

so the purpose of this entry was to bring something cheerful to the page instead of the usual ‘moangroanwhinebitch’ that you have to read here. my weekend excursions with hansel are what i look forward to most days, because we never really know what we’re going to do, or even where we’re going. plus, it’s nice to have someone who will humour me when i cry for food every ten minutes.

i hope you had a wonderful weekend too! eat tons of delicious food on my behalf this week because i’m stuck here with a huge pile of assignments and will be relying on hard breadsticks and milk for sustenance. if only i lived in the city. boo…





The Lie




these days i find lists rather important. i write out three of them everyday because i want to feel like i’m on the road to achieving something, even if half of them are just pure nonsense.

i make lists of perfumes i want to buy, places that sell the best sushi, books i should read, roads i must walk. then i cross them out one by one when i’m done. in my mind, there is no other way to deal with heartbreak right now.

though sometimes i think of him and i wonder if i made the right choice. when i was back home, i bought him this awful stuffed bear as a joke and made him carry it around during lunch with the boys. he did. then he took it home and put it on his table where everyone could see it. he loved it because it came from me and i loved him for that.

i’m hoping to have the world’s best (veggie) burger this weekend. i don’t know how it will taste like but i figure, why not kill myself with optimism? it will be delicious, it will be wonderful and i will enjoy it. that’s what NI told me. positive thinking brings you luck and happiness. so i will think good thoughts and wish on my soon to be found four leaf clover and i will be happy.

today i saw a dog running in the underpass tunnel all by itself. it was so smiley and adorable and i wanted to hug it. but i was afraid that it wouldn’t like me, so i watched it pad along, hoping desperately that it would come back and want me to love it.

oh what a disjointed this entry was. i know i can’t go on writing like this but i seem to have forgotten how to string words together into proper sentences. everything is broken up in my head, so that’s the way it comes out from my mouth and fingers.

and now… now i am going to eat a whole bag of Doritos and play Pokemon Yellow. the older i get, the more i revert back to my younger self when i am sad. everyone said i grew up too fast as a kid, so i guess i just got stuck at some point. probably twelve, my parents think i stopped maturing then. mentally of course. still, i don’t understand why people think regression is always a bad thing. imagine, if we could all solve our problems in this manner, there would be a lot less violence and more junk food shortages.