26.5.10

Snakes & Ladders

 

define loneliness. perhaps the simple act of standing outside a closed door, key in hand, ears pressed against the cold wood. trying and wanting to hear a familiar voice from inside. and you stand there for seconds, minutes. and then you open the door but your bed is empty and your chair is empty and then your heart feels empty. so you draw invisible circles on the carpet while thinking up an excuse to smile. you go through your wardrobe and you pull out new dresses and you say to yourself “i am so happy” but your mouth is a known liar. and then you realize that you don’t want to wear these dresses for anyone else so they stay in the back of your closet. and you close your eyes every time you see them.

define loss. most definitely reading words that don’t seem to make sense to you in any context, apart or together. the familiarity entwined in letters you swear you’ve seen before, but they didn’t mean as much to you as they do now. why? what did you lose (gain?) as you grew? did you extend your mind so far that its fingers reached for newer things and had to let go of something else? something that you want back now because once upon a time, it meant nothing to you, and you need that feeling back. to be able to feel nothing about something. you write this on the back of your hand, that you need to stop killing yourself with the futile pursuit of remembrance, but you take a shower and the ink washes off. and you start to run backwards again.

define letting go. maybe… maybe it doesn’t exist for you. you think so because you’ve spent all this time pretending that you were better that you believed you had actually moved on. you forgot how to feel lonely, you forgot how to feel loss. then one day your clockwork mechanism ran down and all those feelings flooded back in through a tap inside your head and your chest so now, you’re stuck in square one. but you don’t know why you’re sad anymore. you just are. that’s what you can’t let go of. and you are square one, you are. i am.

 

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22.5.10

Évidemment

 

 

youmustremember

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16.5.10

Dance Me To The End of Love

 

barley for brains presents a post that was not written in between tearstorms and late night assignments. oops, i do have a report due tomorrow. well well well. take it or leave it then. a running commentary of tonight. i will warn you in advance that you will probably not understand a single thing i am saying. blame it on sleep deprivation and a sudden influx of tests.

so the temperature outside is 3 degrees celsius, and i am sitting here pretending that i am on a tropical beach. wearing spf 60 and hiding in the shade of course, but let’s not spoil the mood. i’m sipping some fruity concoction, watching the palm trees cast shadowy fingers on my legs. there are dolphins swimming happily in the distance. they must be playing. oh wait, is that a shark? are they battering it to death? oh. oh…

i think i’m done pretending.

i do hate the cold weather sometimes though. the novelty of sitting by a fireplace, drinking hot cocoa and reading a good book does wear off quickly when your dorm room doesn’t have the first two things on that list. ooh that reminds me, i’ve got some green tea sachets. whee! be right back!

ok i’m back. just realized that there is no water in the kettle, and i’ll be damned if i have to walk up a flight of stairs in the freezing cold to get some more. i’m just going to sit here, snuggle up to the barely working heater and eat some chocolate. because it’s almost that time of the month again. yes boys, us wimmins loves our choklits. only thing that keeps us sane while our uteruses are bled dry. damn you body for trying to remain fertile. pregnancy is overrated. i should know, i’m the product of one. ba-dum-bish.

 

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picture of said chocolate bar. mine’s the 200g one.

gross, this cadbury tastes like pure butter. not there’s anything wrong with butter but (hehehehe aliteration of a sort) if i wanted some butter i would have bought some. i could have sworn there was a tongue twister that went something like this.

by the way, nancy elizabeth’s i’m like the paper is amazingly good in a way that i hesitate to describe, because i’m sure i’d get it wrong. you should give it a listen.

ohmyfreakinggod, my pre-lab assignment is to colour in various body parts according to the tissues they’re made of. happy. so happy. finally something i can get into. i knew there was a reason i bought those pastel pencils (besides wanting to scribble on the bathroom walls in the student village heehee) and now i have been proven right.

well, i’m sleepy now so i think i’ll listen to a few podcasts before heading to bed. thank you, you’ve been a good crowd.

9.5.10

Isis Unveiled

 

i am young, i am invulnerable. i get up after every fall. bruised and scratched but never broken, and every day i worry a little more. as you grow older. increasingly fragile. i bottle up memories of you for remembrance. being far away hurts sometimes. most of the time. because you are living without me, a separate life really. i have never been good at letting go. cutting the strings. i worry about you.

emptiness syndrome for an empty nest. and just when i thought i was doing so well. haven’t cried in months. missing you just sank to the bottom of my heart and stayed there. and now it has risen again.

i didn’t mean for this to be a sad entry. it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. but looking at secrets people sent in, finding a little bit of myself in so many – it scares me.

so here is my secret.

this is the first time i have ever been apart from you, and i don’t know how to stop missing you so much. i love you.

happy mother’s day.

love-pola