30.1.10

Love and Some Verses

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i went out with the boy and the boys last night for my farewell party. it was wonderful. i’m a very insecure person, i know, but i felt so loved last night. it was when PD and RJ took turns carrying me to the car after i’d fallen asleep under a table. i woke up halfway but i pretended i was still passed out because (sadly) i was too tired to walk anymore. especially since the parking space was four blocks away.

they laid me down on the backseat and waited for LM to come back from the bathroom. PD was telling RJ and the boy how sad he was that i had to leave, then they all started discussing surprise plans for when i get back in june during holidays. it is the happiest feeling to find out that the people you love actually love you back. i wanted to sit up and go ‘hi! i can hear you, you know. i wasn’t sleeping! and now it’s not a surprise anymore!’ but i just smiled stupidly into my satchel instead. i’ve never ever heard PD and LM talk about missing anyone like that before. my heart was just bursting with joy and sadness.

the boy drove me home and i am very proud to say i did not cry when we hugged goodbye. we’ve been stupid in the past but i think it’s going to get better from here onwards. he’s one of my closest friends, and i want it to stay that way.

this is for the best. this is for the best. this is for the best. i have to keep telling myself that. right now, my education is what’s most important. oh god. i think… i think i’m growing up! i think i’m finally growing up, even if it’s just a little bit.

sunflower

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26.1.10

I Am A Full Grown Man (I Will Lay In The Grass All Day)

 

i know i shouldn’t be thinking so much about him when all it does is make me sad. but ZR told me something a few hours ago that made me cry all over again because… because now i feel that this is all a mistake. i want to tell him how much i love him, but i can’t. it wouldn’t be fair to the both of us.

so... last monday night was pretty awkward, huh?
you think?
don’t feel so bad about it. we all know you’re not to blame for anything.
but why does he do that?
because he cares for you. a lot. like a whole lot.
and how would you know? what do any of you know about that?
D, we can see it.
yeah, because making me cry is super caring. look, none of you will understand. this isn’t helping me move on. i’m going to be suffering like this forever if he has his way. and he won’t understand. he thinks the distance is a bad thing!
remember that night back in november, when he picked you up from your place for a party? it was the last time you’d seen him before monday night, right?
yes.
did he tell you that he was stuck in a traffic jam for three hours, right after work? he didn’t even get to go home and eat or shower. he was so tired but he stayed awake to look after you until you fell asleep.
oh.
and he held your hand while you were sleeping the whole time. because he knew how afraid and hurt you were that night. he slept on the floor next to you. he wouldn’t let anyone wake you up until it was time to go home.
oh.
so D, he may be a brainless idiot sometimes, but it’s only because he cares. we all do. his is just in the worst possible way.
i see.
i’m sorry if any of that hurt you. but you have to know, he drops everything to be by your side, even when you don’t want him there. forgive him, ok?

and now the guilty feeling is back, even worse than before. why do we always, always have to hurt the people we love the most? it’s a defence mechanism, isn’t it? so that no one gets too close. so that when they leave, you don’t feel as much pain as you might have if you’d let them in at the beginning.

but if i’m going to be completely honest with myself, i think i might know why. i’m afraid that he won’t love me anymore one day, but i will still love him. i will always love him. that’s the reason i can’t say it back. that’s why i won’t stay. i don’t want to be the one who ends up clinging to something i can’t have.

the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy.

stadium

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21.1.10

Inflamatory Writ

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barley

because i was too busy being all sappy and weird, i managed to completely miss out on the fact that the previous post was my 300th. woohoo. seriously, how have i managed to keep going for so long?

anyway, call me left behind or whatever, but i’ve just discovered wordle. according to the website, “Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text.” in this case, i typed in my blog url so these are all the words that i use most frequently. hahaha notice how happy is the biggest. shocker. i’m a bit unnerved that ‘boy’ comes up quite often too. i obviously have a bit of a problem there. not sure whether they only ran through recent entries or all of them, but it’s still fun.

you can try it here if you haven’t already. click.

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19.1.10

Fractured Skies

 

my eyelids are red and swollen from last night.
i cried, remember? i cried so much
because you kept saying you loved me
again and again and again
until PD had to drag you away
reassuring me that this was just a side effect
of the vodka and the whiskey and the beer
and the spliff and the cigarettes
and the broken heart.
whose? is yours the only one ripped in half?
you promised me we could be friends
nothing more
but lying is second nature to us both now
so i was the stupid one to believe you.

3

some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink. everything they’ve managed to store away in a dark corner of their mind spills out from the locked drawers. alcohol is the key to hurting people. morning afters are then always spent pretending that you heard nothing, when in fact the walls are so thin that you heard him apologize in between fits of throwing up. not just from the stomach, but from the heart. remains of the night before. of all the nights before.

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17.1.10

Always Like This

 

2vsf5n4

i’ve been thinking recently about how emotionally attached i get to the people i love and the fact that it always royally screws me up in the end. especially when it comes to the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

he’ll never let me forget him, even when i’m trying my hardest to do just that. he calls late at night to hear me laugh, to tell me he’s glad i haven’t changed. he won’t give me the chance to get over him, and i don’t know how to tell him that.

i haven’t seen you in a while.
i’ve been busy.
remember that night when you got so high you couldn’t walk in a straight line and i had to hold you up in the elevator? that was fun, wasn’t it?
you weren’t exactly sober yourself. you know, you don’t have to look after me anymore.  i can take care of myself, learn my own lessons. i wasn’t drunk, just very very hyped up. you shouldn’t have to follow me around and spoil your own good time.
you make it sound like i was forced to do it. i’m not. i want to. i want to look after you. i like looking after you on those nights.
i’m not talking about those nights. i’m talking about every single time. i don’t need you to cook me lunch, to hold my hand when we cross the road, to watch me while i sleep. nothing. i want you to stop.
D, i can’t.
why won’t you understand?
why won’t you?

i am so sick and tired of this. i have better things to think about, like how many sweaters to bring, which suitcase would carry more things, and when i’m going to actually tell someone that i’m leaving. even the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

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11.1.10

Knife

 

first post of 2010 so it has to be a happy one. well, not entirely anyway.

ok so the happy things are as follows.

1. i got into my first choice university.

2. my parents gave me a new laptop and a mobile phone.

3. i went shopping and found the most comfortable jeans. and i never wear jeans so wow.

now for the not so happy bits.

my university is in a whole new country. i’ve never been there before, and frankly, i’m terrified of having to live alone in somewhere i might not fit in. what if people there don’t like me? i mean, they could judge my personality, my ethnicity, my religion or my appearance, then decide that they don’t want to be friends with me. i’m so scared, i feel like throwing up. i’m going to super miss my family and friends here. i don’t know what i’ll do without them there with me.

i’m trying to focus on the good things like getting a top notch education and learning to be independent but i can’t. my friends aren’t really helping. they keep saying how great it is that i get to ‘flee the coop’, how fantastic my life is going to be away from my family. i love living with my family, they’re the only people i can trust to love me unconditionally. also, remarks such as “you’re sure to fit in, you’re so nice” and “only losers don’t make friends and you’re not a loser” don’t exactly sound reassuring. it’s not the keeping friends i’m worried about, it’s making the right first impression. which i can’t seem to do. i always come across as too sad or too snobby. mostly because i’ve got an upturned nose and a downturned mouth. not my fault, blame genetics! i tried smiling more often but when there’s nothing to smile about, you tend to feel like an idiot.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

01615-roasted-hot-green-peas-lg random picture to cut the tension! these are one of my favourite snacks by the way. the wasabi ones especially. yeah, wasabi.

so tensed up right now. my stomach is in knots and i’m afraid i’ll get one of my panic attacks again. breathe, D, breathe.

oh, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! to everyone. i hope yours was lovely, cause they say that new year’s day is an indication of the rest of the year will go. i am so embarrassed but i can’t really remember my new year’s day. it was a blur. but anyway, i shouldn’t be bothered by things like that now. i’m more worried about university. sigh…

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