15.12.10

The Fifty States

.

someone just called me a slut because they saw me having dinner with my friends. who just happen to be guys. all five of them. yes, i am a slut. did you catch my working gear - the black oversized blazer, the ballet flats and the huge neon paper bag filled with candy that i had to lug around? how about the sexy way i fell asleep at the table while waiting for them to shut up about their new DOTA team? also note the suggestive ‘oh sht i spilled pudding on myself’ move that i pulled during dessert. i wonder if you liked it when they gave me seductive pats on the head and poured ice cubes down my back. kinky.

asshles. they exist in every corner of your life, slithering out when you least expect it to pass some sick form of judgement on you. even if i had been doing anything wrong, why do you care? you don’t even know me that well. i shouldn’t have to answer to you. i shouldn’t even have to sit here and take this crap from you. go eat bullets.

 .19e12fc08d5e5744491808f5502b2044

it is a sad day when danny donkey starts to make sense.

.

9.12.10

The Shape of Love

.

tumblr_lcx7gvCpZj1qc41lyo1_500_large-pola

.

the best words come when you are sad, the letter pointed out. so how do you manage? but if inspiration only lives in one place, then maybe i don’t want to write anymore. pain gives rise to understanding gives rise to eloquence. that is the way it has always been. the deeper the cut, the more words rush from my pen.

i gave up my religion for genius, she told me. my nights are filled with paint and the things i see in my head. that night i sat, lotus on a wooden floor, and waited for the divine voice that only speaks during desperation. nothing. nothing. the next morning she showed me a watercolour of a clear sky, marred with vicious streaks of red wax crayon. guess what it means? i put away the blank pieces of paper that i’d fallen asleep on.

i would give up a thousand things for happiness, like the barefoot run across hot tarred streets when the ice-cream man rings his bell. but that is happiness in itself, my brother said, teeth stained red with cherry popsicle. now that he is older, does he still feel the same way? he doesn’t even eat ice cream any more. it rots your teeth. he threw away the packet of sugar that came with his tea.

age brings with it its own rules to happiness. the little instances give way to extravagance, grand gestures that leave us unfulfilled. never good enough. when we still lived next to a golf course, my brother and i used to stand under the big trees on a windy day, waiting for the right moment. the leaves fell and we’d rush to grab them before they landed on the grass. each one has magic! i’d shouted. once they touch the ground, it’s gone forever. but if we catch one while it’s still falling, we can make a wish!

we caught thirty eight leaves and kept them in a box, making a list of the things we could wish for, biding our time until we were sure of what we wanted. a puppy! more new books. no school tomorrow. no school ever. then we were ten and thirteen and we changed our minds. a new house. a new television. that new pokemon game. a new gameboy. and eleven came. and fourteen. before we moved out, our mother found the box again. what is this? only bits of broken brown, the magic gone. we’d forgotten.

there are no trees near where we live now, at least not ones with enough leaves to shed when the wind blows. but maybe that’s a good thing. if there were any, would i still wait in the shade for falling wishes? i say i haven’t changed, but the D of eight years ago had skinned knees and tangled hair from rolling down gentle hills after school. today’s D went shopping without eyeliner and felt completely naked.

the things that made me happy once, the details instead of the bigger picture, i wonder if they are still there. for knowledge, the ability to melt into a crowd seamlessly, a cloyingly materialistic lifestyle – did i sell myself through and through? each handcrafted word that used to mean so much, i gave every one up for the promise of something bigger. the leaf that fell on my head while i was trying to find a bus stop last week – i cast it to the ground and kept walking.

.

15.11.10

Local Boy Makes Good

.

tumblr_l9h84m41kx1qdzigfo1_500_large-pola .

blue carpeted yellow walled, heart shavings embedded in every corner. why does moving out always seem like free-falling and realising the rope isn’t tied around your waist? the before is fine, and then you take one step and…

i don’t know. i think i compare everything to falling. maybe because i used to fall down so often that the fear is ingrained in my head. i’d take a step and there i was, sitting lotus style on the ground wondering what had happened. you never realise how short the distance is between you and the ground. it’s like a trip through time, teleportation. if that makes sense. and now i’m so scared of falling.

someone told me three years ago how weird it is that i laugh like a little girl. and then i got so worried that other people must think that too, so i put on this fake laugh that (in my head) was nicotine and chiarascuro, too many late nights sipping on cancer sticks. obviously, i’ve always been deluded. and then i tried using it every day. sometimes i slipped up, but i got better at it. oh that’s funny. polite laugh, don’t show teeth, smile coyly when you’re done.

but once, i wasn’t thinking too much and the unanticipated joke he directed at me– the drinks probably catalysed something as well – and i. i laughed like i used to. i could hear myself giggle.

and he said. “that’s so cute. you’re so cute, fucking cute.” and he meant it. he really did. it made all the difference that he did. when did i know that i loved him? i still can’t place my finger on the exact moment, but i’m sure' i’d already figured it out by then. drinks or no drinks. i love this boy.

so i folded up this year’s calendar, his name with a heart underneath in april, and i wondered how moving out, the emptying of your material self into paper boxes that won’t actually hold your weight - how did i go from this to two years ago? in this quiet room, where i pretended i was well and truly happy. when he’s never even stepped through the door, how is he here? in all the heart shavings i’m leaving behind… how did you get here?

.

5.11.10

Antlers

.

some nights i tell myself, feeling lost is better than not feeling at all. but then i’ve got these strings hanging from my chest and they’re tied, tied to everything i’ve ever loved and now they stretch all the way across an ocean, three thousand miles away where i want to go. home home home i want to go home to the people who make me smile. this ubiquitous thought, looping endlessly, diaphanous though it may seem.

because do you remember that one night in a frost tinged garden, where the branches were clinquant for quiet lovers and yesterday’s newspaper lay shredded on the ground? the only warm hands were yours and they held my heart, you carried me to the room and sat singing out the window while i tried to sleep. it made me feel so safe, your constant inexorable presence and how you always understood.

in the more familial context though, i miss waking up in the morning to beetroot oatmilk and a vacuum cleaner, watching phineas & ferb (hello LMY!) on the couch and laughing with joy at how the only question on my mind would be a shrill “what’s for lunch omg i hope it’s veggie udon and quesadillas!”.

and that’s why i keep these keys in my pocket. so one day, i can say ‘i’m done’. dust off the onus of being here, get on a six hour plane ride, drink infinite cups of rootbeer while watching dodgy flicks, hop into a cab and.

open the door. home… i’m home.

.

tumblr_l9se8iKtAg1qbwxj6o1_500_large-pola

28.10.10

So Much More To Say

.

i wish you’d call my name
take my hand
but i can’t
my heart will break again
every time i say i love you

.

4135846185_bd3d0d0a4b_large-pola

.

23.10.10

Eat, Sleep, Repeat

.

the boy.

.

tumblr_l6zvawmCyT1qc9q7p_large-pola

.

is elusive, not wholly flesh and blood at times when i look at him through a fog of cheap drinks and smoke. his name trapped in the nib of a pen, i drag it across paper again and again. theboytheboytheboytheboy in black ink, green ink, a red sharpie on the edge of my feet. it must be love, it must be. a cardboard box heart filled with this pellucid love. i don’t care if he goes, as long as he comes back. do you know, there was this one night when he was so tired, but he stayed up watching me sleep. and when i woke up, he had finally drifted off, but his fingers were resting lightly on my cheek. i cry so much these days.

how do i cure this? the usual medication doesn’t work – liberal doses of strawberry ice cream, uninterrupted shopping binges, a wall of music, screaming until my voice is a scratched up record… and everyday i grow wearier. he said i am so predictable, a pattern, a rhythm in his list of unfinished songs.  i’ve never seen him play the guitar, i just realised. why?

i always thought i had a built in compass for these things. heartbreak approaching, move backwards. all those girls singing about counting iloveyous on rose petals and secret messages through bedroom windows. i knew. so many indiscriminate gestures return to slap you in the face.

the boy. replete with all the things that i said i wanted, all the things i said i was wishing for and yet. the nebulous recollection that when i was younger, i had a dream where i was crying and looking for someone i’d never met before. and eight years later, the jump and an oneiric feeling in the pit of my throat. here it is, i was right all along.

.

6.10.10

The Trapeze Swinger

.

tumblr_l9oi0zJGTb1qcck99o1_500_large-pola

.

i kept him waiting in the car for a whole half hour while i lay on the floor, hoping that tonight would turn out alright. when i got in, he asked me why i was crying. for a brief moment, i wanted to tell him everything. then nothing.

so we drove along, with him saying all the right words. i tried opening my mouth, but nothing came out. just this sharp intake of breath. the streetlights were bright and the roads were empty.

he wouldn’t believe me at dinner, when i said that i was fine. he told me about his hopes and dreams, i listened without really understanding. and he watched me solve a rubik’s cube over and over again.

do you ever forget?” he asked. “do you ever get stuck?”

“no. there isn’t a combination that doesn’t have a solution. i just turn it until i know how to fix it. there’s always a way to fix it.” i held it out to him.

i wasn’t talking about the cube.”

he scrambled it, taking his time to make sure it would be hard to solve. but he ended up making it easier for me.

“too easy. you made it too easy.”

i wish i could do that every time you had a problem.” he smiled at me with so much love, my heart broke.

and then we were sitting on the sidewalk, watching people stumble by in their clubbing finery, puking their guts out in dark corners. one girl threw up all over her shoes, her long hair falling in her face. her friend stood next to her, not bothering to help.

i would hold your hair back.” he said.

“i didn’t ask.”

we walked to the store. he held the door open and paid for the drink. when we crossed the road, he gripped my hand tightly so i wouldn’t get run over. his fingers felt cold because i was feverish. i said it in my head, as loud as i could – i love you. i love you. i love you. my chest started to hurt.

he stopped walking and turned to me.

i love you too.”

and i pretended i hadn’t heard it, and he pretended he hadn’t said it. the radio played iron & wine all the way home while i tried not to cry.

.

29.9.10

Love For Heartbeats

 

.

he says ‘i love you’, but i don’t believe him. the familiarity does things to us, lets us believe that we are happy when we’re not. we hold hands without knowing the real meaning behind the gesture, we live because it’s what we’ve always done. i can’t remember the last time i was alone. no one to sit with me, fold my hair back, sing me love songs, watch me so i don’t spread my wings from the eleventh floor and fly fly fly to the streetlights below.

i thought i loved someone, and i think i still do, just not in the right way. i wrote his name on my arms, over and over again, until the ink ran out and my skin tore. he took my words and gave them back to me, like the first time we met.

with every late night, how you knew i was home after all this while, a cupped hand within a felt hat, the real you suppressed and footfalls of broken promises. i make up my mind, you break my heart all over again by staying. don’t stay. don’t go. i can’t decide. familiarity, it does these things to us.

.

tumblr_l8qsr2orL11qc0t1ro1_400_large-pola .

15.9.10

There Is No Such Place

 

tumblr_l6sp0kpA4V1qabn2bo1_500_large-pola

.

i’ve reached this point in my life where nothing makes sense at all. not one single thing. i keep telling myself that when i wake up tomorrow, that upside down feeling will have gone away. i say this every single day but i still keep wondering why everything is disassembled. it slaps me across the face, the impermanence of being alive.

i am so sorry that i never got a chance to see you again mr. c. you were a wonderful teacher, and i want you to know how much you were loved, even towards the end. i don’t think any one of us will ever forget you. wherever you are now, i hope you’re happy.

.

6.9.10

Always Right

.

hansel and i went to ikea last week because we had the silly notion that we could make our rooms feel a little more like home. actually hansel is very good at interior decorating so i guess i was the only idiot there. anyway, we were walking around when we saw the toy section, so obviously wonderful me had to muck about with the stuffed animals and coloured markers, much to the horror of many parents and their children. i was too busy putting on a small skit with the elephant and crocodile sock puppets to notice that hansel had slunk away to look at something more mature. heh. i got a little fairy lamp for myself.

we had lunch there too! i really love lunching at ikea because the food is excellent (imo) and the atmosphere is fun! i always get the daim cake and a helping of chips with whatever’s on the vegetarian menu that day, which turned out to be quiche. naturally i got too overexcited and tried to eat all three things at once which resulted in quite a bit of spillage and hansel pretending that we didn’t know each other. as you can see, my friends love me dearly.

i ended up buying tons of snacks and sparkling juice from the food section instead of stuff to furnish my room. in my deluded mind, i felt that blueberry cordial was tons more necessary than a throw blanket, so i only have myself to blame now that the temperature is 6 degrees and i’m shivering my skin off. but then again, the sign did say ‘mix into hot water on a cold winter’s day for a comforting drink’ so i was clearly on the right track! which also reminds me that my kettle is broken… sad face.

the best part was lugging both bags (reusable of course!) onto the bus, and then back to college. those ten minutes of walking felt like purgatory. i was so thirsty when i reached my room that i drank all the apple juice, which kind of sucked because it was supposed to last me until tuesday. in my grief, i ate both cheese danishes as well. good job D, good job. one day when my metabolism slows down, i’m going to be a giant blob.

so the purpose of this entry was to bring something cheerful to the page instead of the usual ‘moangroanwhinebitch’ that you have to read here. my weekend excursions with hansel are what i look forward to most days, because we never really know what we’re going to do, or even where we’re going. plus, it’s nice to have someone who will humour me when i cry for food every ten minutes.

i hope you had a wonderful weekend too! eat tons of delicious food on my behalf this week because i’m stuck here with a huge pile of assignments and will be relying on hard breadsticks and milk for sustenance. if only i lived in the city. boo…

 

4879016457_382b885ff5_z_large-pola

.

2.9.10

The Lie

 

tumblr_l73nam43Mt1qzj5z1o1_500_large-pola

 

these days i find lists rather important. i write out three of them everyday because i want to feel like i’m on the road to achieving something, even if half of them are just pure nonsense.

i make lists of perfumes i want to buy, places that sell the best sushi, books i should read, roads i must walk. then i cross them out one by one when i’m done. in my mind, there is no other way to deal with heartbreak right now.

though sometimes i think of him and i wonder if i made the right choice. when i was back home, i bought him this awful stuffed bear as a joke and made him carry it around during lunch with the boys. he did. then he took it home and put it on his table where everyone could see it. he loved it because it came from me and i loved him for that.

i’m hoping to have the world’s best (veggie) burger this weekend. i don’t know how it will taste like but i figure, why not kill myself with optimism? it will be delicious, it will be wonderful and i will enjoy it. that’s what NI told me. positive thinking brings you luck and happiness. so i will think good thoughts and wish on my soon to be found four leaf clover and i will be happy.

today i saw a dog running in the underpass tunnel all by itself. it was so smiley and adorable and i wanted to hug it. but i was afraid that it wouldn’t like me, so i watched it pad along, hoping desperately that it would come back and want me to love it.

oh what a disjointed this entry was. i know i can’t go on writing like this but i seem to have forgotten how to string words together into proper sentences. everything is broken up in my head, so that’s the way it comes out from my mouth and fingers.

and now… now i am going to eat a whole bag of Doritos and play Pokemon Yellow. the older i get, the more i revert back to my younger self when i am sad. everyone said i grew up too fast as a kid, so i guess i just got stuck at some point. probably twelve, my parents think i stopped maturing then. mentally of course. still, i don’t understand why people think regression is always a bad thing. imagine, if we could all solve our problems in this manner, there would be a lot less violence and more junk food shortages.

.

23.8.10

Acrobat

 

after almost two months, the feelings of grief (and confusion and anger and guilt) still haven’t really subsided, but i want to believe that i’ve slipped back into some semblance of normal life. flying three thousand miles away from home does that to you.

of course, i will never ever be completely alright. it’s stupid to think that a few weeks of trying to forget actually does a damn thing. i am so sick and tired of people telling me that a little time heals everything, and that i’ll be happy again when December rolls around. i know for a fact that every single heartbreak i’ve ever experienced is still firmly etched into my being. you may not always notice them but that doesn’t mean that they’ve gone away. everyone deals with loss at their own pace. how could anyone even think about placing this horrible time constraint on them?

i’m so sorry that this had to be such a terribly depressing post. i did want to blog about something happier, but nothing really comes to mind. it probably isn’t a surprise that i stopped writing for a bit because it seemed quite pointless to do so during the last month.

just a few things off the top of my head then. i know i got this award from the always wonderful Abs of fact not fiction (thank you!) which means that i’m supposed to choose one of five blogging options. i read through them and still haven’t quite decided which one i’m doing. getting drunk does sound appealing though, but i’m a bit afraid that whatever i type will come out completely illegible. oh well, at least i have something to think about now.

also, i have just started incorporating scarves into my daily outfits because i had a few lying around. this led to the discovery that i am the worst when it comes to tying knots and trying to wrap the whole thing delicately around my neck without strangling myself.

oh, funny story. i was sitting in the train last night and this drunk man walked up to me. he started shouting about how beautiful i was and how he would love to get to know me, so i pretended i was deaf [sidenote: this probably wouldn’t have worked if he hadn’t been totally wasted because i realised five seconds later that my headphones were firmly attached to my ears for all to see] and he looked around for someone else to unload his spiel on. he spotted this blonde at the other end and started moving towards her, but she ran into another cabin. one of the security officers passed by at that moment and ended up escorting him off the train. good times, good times.

i really want some pasta right now. mushroom and cream with heaps of parmesan. and then i remember that i’m a whole half hour away from any restaurants and we’re not allowed to cook here. :C

 

pokeballsyo 

and i cannot wait for the new pokemon game to come out. so excited. i love pokemon!

7.7.10

Orpheus & Eurydice

 

catsanddogs-pola 

 

e.

i have waited at the gates
crossed bridges
and the quietest rivers
all with the false hope
wasted optimism
that you would find me
child of light so unfairly dimmed
take me home
if i could forsake the seeds
why did you choose to turn?

o.

mournful, i walked
deeper, farther, than i
ever did wander before
erinyes and six eyes wept
i plucked these strings until
my fingers bled
safe in the knowledge that you were
there behind me
your face unshadowed, the slightest
i loved you too much

 

my best friend died yesterday. i don’t know what else to say. nothing makes sense anymore. i wrote this nonsensical prose based on greek mythology before i found out, but it seemed fitting somehow. i just wanted to give her one last present. i just wanted to say goodbye.

i love you.

1.7.10

Don’t Go

heartbreak is heartbreak
no matter the reason
one way or another
you always make me cry
and i
stupid as only i can be
will love you still
nothing else ever hurts this much

tumblr_l4abvqpNcT1qctmw8o1_r2_500_large-pola

19.6.10

Your Smile

 

i’m done with my exams! every question i answered drained away a little bit of my soul, so you’ll have to excuse this empty shell for not blogging with much enthusiasm. will deffo make it up in one way or another as soon as i can. a huge thank you to everyone who reads my blog. i’m amazed you’re still here.

am still trying to catch up on all that sleep i missed – subsisted on about 8 hours of sleep for a whole week – but have been doing some serious shopping, with serious in this context meaning necessities, not some aggressive form of credit card swiping. that’ll come as soon as i get the energy back.

the 5 hour flight was a real killer though; terrible food and loads of turbulence. Hansel and i sat next to each other, so it wasn’t too boring. i bought this little stuffed sheep at the duty free for company. it is the most adorable thing ever, and it even bleats. spent ages messing around with it on the plane, much to the amusement of the flight attendants. the in-flight movie selection was utter crap though. that justifies my bout of childishness [hopeful].

now i’m going to eat my weight in my brother’s homemade pumpkin pie and watch the final episodes of Project Runway’s Season 7. so not digging Mila. love Jay. love Seth Aaron. loved Maya, wish she hadn’t left.

the boy says hello btw. turns out he did miss me after all. :) nomnomnom.

Kerismith-pola

.

5.6.10

Tamagawa

.
whereiamnow

 .
your face is all i can remember from that last night. not the colour of the car i got into, not the flavour of ice cream they bought me, not the time i had to leave by; i don’t wear a watch so i’m sure i was late anyway. just your face, the way you looked when i walked away. i felt so sure that if i had listened hard enough, i would have heard the sound of a heart breaking.

have you ever heard it? it’s not glass shattering or paper being torn to shreds or a scream that never seems to end. merely the sound of air, cold air, rushing in to fill the space left behind in the cavity of your chest. that’s all it is. no sudden epiphany to tell you that you’re so screwed. just silence that can’t be broken.

it’s june now. my hair’s grown longer, there’s a new scar on my right knee and i still have that “stunted” sneeze. i wonder if you miss me.
.
.

26.5.10

Snakes & Ladders

 

define loneliness. perhaps the simple act of standing outside a closed door, key in hand, ears pressed against the cold wood. trying and wanting to hear a familiar voice from inside. and you stand there for seconds, minutes. and then you open the door but your bed is empty and your chair is empty and then your heart feels empty. so you draw invisible circles on the carpet while thinking up an excuse to smile. you go through your wardrobe and you pull out new dresses and you say to yourself “i am so happy” but your mouth is a known liar. and then you realize that you don’t want to wear these dresses for anyone else so they stay in the back of your closet. and you close your eyes every time you see them.

define loss. most definitely reading words that don’t seem to make sense to you in any context, apart or together. the familiarity entwined in letters you swear you’ve seen before, but they didn’t mean as much to you as they do now. why? what did you lose (gain?) as you grew? did you extend your mind so far that its fingers reached for newer things and had to let go of something else? something that you want back now because once upon a time, it meant nothing to you, and you need that feeling back. to be able to feel nothing about something. you write this on the back of your hand, that you need to stop killing yourself with the futile pursuit of remembrance, but you take a shower and the ink washes off. and you start to run backwards again.

define letting go. maybe… maybe it doesn’t exist for you. you think so because you’ve spent all this time pretending that you were better that you believed you had actually moved on. you forgot how to feel lonely, you forgot how to feel loss. then one day your clockwork mechanism ran down and all those feelings flooded back in through a tap inside your head and your chest so now, you’re stuck in square one. but you don’t know why you’re sad anymore. you just are. that’s what you can’t let go of. and you are square one, you are. i am.

 

tumblr_l2rihxRkVN1qaoueko1_500_large-pola

.

22.5.10

Évidemment

 

 

youmustremember

.

16.5.10

Dance Me To The End of Love

 

barley for brains presents a post that was not written in between tearstorms and late night assignments. oops, i do have a report due tomorrow. well well well. take it or leave it then. a running commentary of tonight. i will warn you in advance that you will probably not understand a single thing i am saying. blame it on sleep deprivation and a sudden influx of tests.

so the temperature outside is 3 degrees celsius, and i am sitting here pretending that i am on a tropical beach. wearing spf 60 and hiding in the shade of course, but let’s not spoil the mood. i’m sipping some fruity concoction, watching the palm trees cast shadowy fingers on my legs. there are dolphins swimming happily in the distance. they must be playing. oh wait, is that a shark? are they battering it to death? oh. oh…

i think i’m done pretending.

i do hate the cold weather sometimes though. the novelty of sitting by a fireplace, drinking hot cocoa and reading a good book does wear off quickly when your dorm room doesn’t have the first two things on that list. ooh that reminds me, i’ve got some green tea sachets. whee! be right back!

ok i’m back. just realized that there is no water in the kettle, and i’ll be damned if i have to walk up a flight of stairs in the freezing cold to get some more. i’m just going to sit here, snuggle up to the barely working heater and eat some chocolate. because it’s almost that time of the month again. yes boys, us wimmins loves our choklits. only thing that keeps us sane while our uteruses are bled dry. damn you body for trying to remain fertile. pregnancy is overrated. i should know, i’m the product of one. ba-dum-bish.

 

41OEV7usfkL._SS500_-pola

picture of said chocolate bar. mine’s the 200g one.

gross, this cadbury tastes like pure butter. not there’s anything wrong with butter but (hehehehe aliteration of a sort) if i wanted some butter i would have bought some. i could have sworn there was a tongue twister that went something like this.

by the way, nancy elizabeth’s i’m like the paper is amazingly good in a way that i hesitate to describe, because i’m sure i’d get it wrong. you should give it a listen.

ohmyfreakinggod, my pre-lab assignment is to colour in various body parts according to the tissues they’re made of. happy. so happy. finally something i can get into. i knew there was a reason i bought those pastel pencils (besides wanting to scribble on the bathroom walls in the student village heehee) and now i have been proven right.

well, i’m sleepy now so i think i’ll listen to a few podcasts before heading to bed. thank you, you’ve been a good crowd.

9.5.10

Isis Unveiled

 

i am young, i am invulnerable. i get up after every fall. bruised and scratched but never broken, and every day i worry a little more. as you grow older. increasingly fragile. i bottle up memories of you for remembrance. being far away hurts sometimes. most of the time. because you are living without me, a separate life really. i have never been good at letting go. cutting the strings. i worry about you.

emptiness syndrome for an empty nest. and just when i thought i was doing so well. haven’t cried in months. missing you just sank to the bottom of my heart and stayed there. and now it has risen again.

i didn’t mean for this to be a sad entry. it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. but looking at secrets people sent in, finding a little bit of myself in so many – it scares me.

so here is my secret.

this is the first time i have ever been apart from you, and i don’t know how to stop missing you so much. i love you.

happy mother’s day.

love-pola

29.4.10

Tournesol

 

tumblr_l0c7o8r14t1qaynb1o1_500_large-pola

 

went for pizza and the wonderful boy there upgraded me to a large again! i think i may be falling in love with him. the only problem now is managing to eat the whole 8 slices by myself. no one else likes roasted pumpkin and spinach as toppings. i have a refrigerator but no microwave. and i hate cold pizza. sigh… i’m probably going to have to pull an all nighter to finish it. hahahahaha as you can see, food is pretty important to me.

also realized that my sleeping position is constant since my eyeliner leaves traces in the same spot on my upper arm every night. my mother says it isn’t good for you or something, but she can’t explain why. can anyone else?

i am very grateful that my friends put up with my erratic behaviour and have not attempted to murder me in my sleep. i’m generally a happy person but in the past year or so, i’ve been finding it hard to maintain that outlook on life. i think loving people i shouldn’t have has screwed me up and over entirely. does that make sense? i need to understand that letting go is ok.

but on to happier things. besides visiting the loveliest pizza place in the world, i’ve also managed to procure a pair of bright sugar pink shoes for 5 dollars! they’re flats with a t-strap, and i foresee many happy days centred around them. am also very pleased to announce that my facial scrub arrived and it is as good as it claims to be. my books are slowly being dispatched, and two have already made their way into my hands.

and this weekend is going to be solely dedicated to shopping. after all, it’s the start of a new month, my bank account has been replenished and i am in serious need of de-stressing after the barrage of tests this week has been. so gross. one of my classmates nearly fainted during our human anatomy lab. she got freaked out by the preserved human pelvic girdles and the smell was really nauseating. she had to be half carried out and given a wastebasket to throw up in. i think my demonstrator found my lack of discomfort unnerving though, she kept shooting me looks while she was manhandling a uterus. [sorry if you were eating and happened to read this, just avert your eyes]

ok, i’m going to grab my water bottle and make a run for the fountain now. it’s 11 degrees and pitch black outside but hopefully i’ll make it back alive. my neighbour’s still awake (it’s 5:30 in the morning, why are we so insane?) so maybe she’ll come looking for me if i end up freezing to death.

17.4.10

You Forget So Easily

 

hello loves! just so you know, i haven’t neglected my blog on purpose. i keep typing out posts and my computer crashes each time so i can’t be bothered anymore. i’ve been super busy with assignments, juggling a bit of budget balancing and various other little annoyances. but i did manage to find a little time to go to the beach! during which i got really sunburnt despite lathering on the sunscreen and staying in the shade while everyone else splashed around in the water. spf 30 just doesn’t cut it when it comes to my skin.

i’ve also been on a bit of an organic kick lately when it comes to beauty products. my shampoos and conditioners are always organic but i’ve just swapped to an all natural skin care line. so far i can’t see much of a difference (except in my bank account T___T) but i’ve only been using them for two weeks. i’m going to give them a bit more time. although i’m going to tentatively say that my pores have reduced in size by a little.

bubblehtea-pola

hopefully i’ll be able to get my bubble tea tomorrow. i love love love bubble tea, it’s my newest addiction. funny how i never paid any attention to it before but i can’t get enough of it now. my favourites are the sesame and jasmine milk teas. with no pearls. my friends think i’m insane for liking healthy flavours. mean!

and yes, i am one of those people who actually love eating food that make others go ick. back home, my mom bought me beetroot oatmilk and black sesame powder to mix into hot milk. we had wild rice and millet dumplings, sprouts on our sandwiches; stuff like that. it’s probably because my parents were huge health freaks. one of their top ten rules – no white bread in the house. and heaven forbid i open a can of soft drink in front of them.

oh, i just remembered! i put in an order for a facial scrub and some books online. i feel like a child waiting for christmas to arrive. this is the first time i’m buying stuff for myself off the internet. the only other items i’ve purchased are vitamin pills for my dog and some new fangled gadget my dad wanted to use on his phone. hopefully they get here by monday!

i know this entry looks super jumbled up and kind of gross as well but when i’ve got the time (and the stable internet connection!), i’ll try to post something nicer. i’m off to edit my human anatomy essay. remember people, plagiarism is a no no.

20.3.10

The Walls Are Coming Down

.

there is something to be said about my absentmindedness when i nearly walk out the door dressed in only a t-shirt and my underwear. it’s times like these when i hate living in a residential college. someone’s always hogging the bathroom, the numerous voyeurs when your doors or windows are open for fresh air and the block parties. oh those block parties. you don’t realize how disruptive they are when you’re a part of them, but the minute someone else throws one – hello aspirin, goodbye sleep and early morning lectures.

but hey, it’s a new experience and i should be happy for many things. i’m so glad that i live within walking distance of university, cause i like sleeping in. it gives me those thirty or so extra minutes of sleep that i seem to need so badly. you can usually see me braiding my hair while sprinting to my first class on most weekdays. i will never learn.

i’m also really grateful for the excellent public transport here because it’s really easy to get around. i hopped on a bus to the market district the other day with a few friends and we got fresh fruit. this may seem like such a boring thing to most people but let me tell you, it was one of the highlights of my week. having my social life dwindle to a mere fraction of what it once was is a sobering thing.

which brings me to the other highlight of the week – pizza and movie night with the girls at an outdoor theatre. i was starving because i’d not eaten all day and was dangerously near to attacking the rest of the group. when i went to claim my order, the lovely lovely pizza boy smilingly said that he’d upgraded me from a small to a large pizza for no extra cost because they’d run out of the 10 inch bases. ZB says he was lying because the two orders after mine were smalls as well, but who cares. i am so giving him a huge tip the next time we go there. people can be so wonderful.

and now i am eating blueberries and the best chocolate chip cookies ever. later, i am going to read my ngaio marsh book, then study for my human anatomy quiz. fun fun fun!

here is a picture of a super cute bunny. have a great weekend!

14mgx8x-pola

2.3.10

Ebb Tide

 

stuff 052


anemone, you kissed
the tips of my fingers, the
swell
of my jaw
a heartbeat ebbing away
beneath your breath
grey ash
nicotine
sweet and burnt and poisonous
anemone, you kissed
me goodbye and you cried
into an orange sleeve
eleven floors i ascended
then more
and i was nothing
i was, we were
gone

i wrote this on a plane, 3 hours away from a boy whose eyelashes are longer than mine. it fell onto the floor while i slept, and the lady in front picked it up to read. she gave it back to me and patted my hand. she told me i wasn’t the only one who had to leave love behind, and then she smiled sadly.

this shitty prose meant so much more because she understood. because someone knew what it was like.

.

22.2.10

A Promise

 

yesterday was a dreamless sleep
the first time in years, i think
but i woke up crying and breathless
grasping at the empty space beside me
this is it
i’m alone now
and it’s all my fault

tumblr_ky808ys7RX1qzy5cxo1_400_large

10.2.10

Sweet Disposition

 

heretoo

so i’m here, far far away. it’s still the same stupid cliché but i really did leave my heart behind. torn into tiny shreds, divided unequally amongst the people i love. today i walked barefoot on grass, laughed at a duck and read secret confessions from a bathroom wall.

it was actually quite fun. we snuck out of a lecture on road safety + city transport and hopped on a bus to the city for boba milk tea. i opted out of pearls this time but i regret it a little now. they’re fun to chew, those bubbles.

it’s different here though. i’m struggling to adapt to everything. sometimes i wish i could go back, but…

like i said, i’m growing up. slowly, but surely, i’m growing up.

.

.

30.1.10

Love and Some Verses

.

i went out with the boy and the boys last night for my farewell party. it was wonderful. i’m a very insecure person, i know, but i felt so loved last night. it was when PD and RJ took turns carrying me to the car after i’d fallen asleep under a table. i woke up halfway but i pretended i was still passed out because (sadly) i was too tired to walk anymore. especially since the parking space was four blocks away.

they laid me down on the backseat and waited for LM to come back from the bathroom. PD was telling RJ and the boy how sad he was that i had to leave, then they all started discussing surprise plans for when i get back in june during holidays. it is the happiest feeling to find out that the people you love actually love you back. i wanted to sit up and go ‘hi! i can hear you, you know. i wasn’t sleeping! and now it’s not a surprise anymore!’ but i just smiled stupidly into my satchel instead. i’ve never ever heard PD and LM talk about missing anyone like that before. my heart was just bursting with joy and sadness.

the boy drove me home and i am very proud to say i did not cry when we hugged goodbye. we’ve been stupid in the past but i think it’s going to get better from here onwards. he’s one of my closest friends, and i want it to stay that way.

this is for the best. this is for the best. this is for the best. i have to keep telling myself that. right now, my education is what’s most important. oh god. i think… i think i’m growing up! i think i’m finally growing up, even if it’s just a little bit.

sunflower

. 

26.1.10

I Am A Full Grown Man (I Will Lay In The Grass All Day)

 

i know i shouldn’t be thinking so much about him when all it does is make me sad. but ZR told me something a few hours ago that made me cry all over again because… because now i feel that this is all a mistake. i want to tell him how much i love him, but i can’t. it wouldn’t be fair to the both of us.

so... last monday night was pretty awkward, huh?
you think?
don’t feel so bad about it. we all know you’re not to blame for anything.
but why does he do that?
because he cares for you. a lot. like a whole lot.
and how would you know? what do any of you know about that?
D, we can see it.
yeah, because making me cry is super caring. look, none of you will understand. this isn’t helping me move on. i’m going to be suffering like this forever if he has his way. and he won’t understand. he thinks the distance is a bad thing!
remember that night back in november, when he picked you up from your place for a party? it was the last time you’d seen him before monday night, right?
yes.
did he tell you that he was stuck in a traffic jam for three hours, right after work? he didn’t even get to go home and eat or shower. he was so tired but he stayed awake to look after you until you fell asleep.
oh.
and he held your hand while you were sleeping the whole time. because he knew how afraid and hurt you were that night. he slept on the floor next to you. he wouldn’t let anyone wake you up until it was time to go home.
oh.
so D, he may be a brainless idiot sometimes, but it’s only because he cares. we all do. his is just in the worst possible way.
i see.
i’m sorry if any of that hurt you. but you have to know, he drops everything to be by your side, even when you don’t want him there. forgive him, ok?

and now the guilty feeling is back, even worse than before. why do we always, always have to hurt the people we love the most? it’s a defence mechanism, isn’t it? so that no one gets too close. so that when they leave, you don’t feel as much pain as you might have if you’d let them in at the beginning.

but if i’m going to be completely honest with myself, i think i might know why. i’m afraid that he won’t love me anymore one day, but i will still love him. i will always love him. that’s the reason i can’t say it back. that’s why i won’t stay. i don’t want to be the one who ends up clinging to something i can’t have.

the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy.

stadium

.

21.1.10

Inflamatory Writ

.

barley

because i was too busy being all sappy and weird, i managed to completely miss out on the fact that the previous post was my 300th. woohoo. seriously, how have i managed to keep going for so long?

anyway, call me left behind or whatever, but i’ve just discovered wordle. according to the website, “Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text.” in this case, i typed in my blog url so these are all the words that i use most frequently. hahaha notice how happy is the biggest. shocker. i’m a bit unnerved that ‘boy’ comes up quite often too. i obviously have a bit of a problem there. not sure whether they only ran through recent entries or all of them, but it’s still fun.

you can try it here if you haven’t already. click.

.

19.1.10

Fractured Skies

 

my eyelids are red and swollen from last night.
i cried, remember? i cried so much
because you kept saying you loved me
again and again and again
until PD had to drag you away
reassuring me that this was just a side effect
of the vodka and the whiskey and the beer
and the spliff and the cigarettes
and the broken heart.
whose? is yours the only one ripped in half?
you promised me we could be friends
nothing more
but lying is second nature to us both now
so i was the stupid one to believe you.

3

some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink. everything they’ve managed to store away in a dark corner of their mind spills out from the locked drawers. alcohol is the key to hurting people. morning afters are then always spent pretending that you heard nothing, when in fact the walls are so thin that you heard him apologize in between fits of throwing up. not just from the stomach, but from the heart. remains of the night before. of all the nights before.

.

17.1.10

Always Like This

 

2vsf5n4

i’ve been thinking recently about how emotionally attached i get to the people i love and the fact that it always royally screws me up in the end. especially when it comes to the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

he’ll never let me forget him, even when i’m trying my hardest to do just that. he calls late at night to hear me laugh, to tell me he’s glad i haven’t changed. he won’t give me the chance to get over him, and i don’t know how to tell him that.

i haven’t seen you in a while.
i’ve been busy.
remember that night when you got so high you couldn’t walk in a straight line and i had to hold you up in the elevator? that was fun, wasn’t it?
you weren’t exactly sober yourself. you know, you don’t have to look after me anymore.  i can take care of myself, learn my own lessons. i wasn’t drunk, just very very hyped up. you shouldn’t have to follow me around and spoil your own good time.
you make it sound like i was forced to do it. i’m not. i want to. i want to look after you. i like looking after you on those nights.
i’m not talking about those nights. i’m talking about every single time. i don’t need you to cook me lunch, to hold my hand when we cross the road, to watch me while i sleep. nothing. i want you to stop.
D, i can’t.
why won’t you understand?
why won’t you?

i am so sick and tired of this. i have better things to think about, like how many sweaters to bring, which suitcase would carry more things, and when i’m going to actually tell someone that i’m leaving. even the boy. the boy the boy the boy.

.

11.1.10

Knife

 

first post of 2010 so it has to be a happy one. well, not entirely anyway.

ok so the happy things are as follows.

1. i got into my first choice university.

2. my parents gave me a new laptop and a mobile phone.

3. i went shopping and found the most comfortable jeans. and i never wear jeans so wow.

now for the not so happy bits.

my university is in a whole new country. i’ve never been there before, and frankly, i’m terrified of having to live alone in somewhere i might not fit in. what if people there don’t like me? i mean, they could judge my personality, my ethnicity, my religion or my appearance, then decide that they don’t want to be friends with me. i’m so scared, i feel like throwing up. i’m going to super miss my family and friends here. i don’t know what i’ll do without them there with me.

i’m trying to focus on the good things like getting a top notch education and learning to be independent but i can’t. my friends aren’t really helping. they keep saying how great it is that i get to ‘flee the coop’, how fantastic my life is going to be away from my family. i love living with my family, they’re the only people i can trust to love me unconditionally. also, remarks such as “you’re sure to fit in, you’re so nice” and “only losers don’t make friends and you’re not a loser” don’t exactly sound reassuring. it’s not the keeping friends i’m worried about, it’s making the right first impression. which i can’t seem to do. i always come across as too sad or too snobby. mostly because i’ve got an upturned nose and a downturned mouth. not my fault, blame genetics! i tried smiling more often but when there’s nothing to smile about, you tend to feel like an idiot.

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

01615-roasted-hot-green-peas-lg random picture to cut the tension! these are one of my favourite snacks by the way. the wasabi ones especially. yeah, wasabi.

so tensed up right now. my stomach is in knots and i’m afraid i’ll get one of my panic attacks again. breathe, D, breathe.

oh, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! to everyone. i hope yours was lovely, cause they say that new year’s day is an indication of the rest of the year will go. i am so embarrassed but i can’t really remember my new year’s day. it was a blur. but anyway, i shouldn’t be bothered by things like that now. i’m more worried about university. sigh…

.