My Dog Poppy

i went back home on thursday because something terrible has happened. my dog Poppy is really sick. everyone else is trying to act optimistic but we all know it's very serious. she's only three years old so this is a huge blow to me. i spent that whole night looking after her and i cried so much when she yelped in pain every single time she moved. she's been given some shots and a whole load of pills to take so we're hoping she gets better. the worst part is finding out that she may never return to normal after this. i have never prayed so hard in my life.

i always thought that i'd gone through heartbreak before, but all those moments were nothing compared to watching her suffer like that. my whole body constricted with every breath i took and i remember thinking 'how am i ever going to be happy again?'. if only she would be the same dog we all loved again. i would endure a million breakups for that. i cannot stand seeing this empty shell in the place of my beautiful Poppy. she is part of my family, and my family is the most important thing to me.

this does put everything into perspective, and how grateful i should be for the small things in life. i never thought i'd be saying this, but i have been shocked into realizing how fragile our existence is. all these months i have been consumed with grief and rage over the boy, only to have all these feelings pale in comparison to the ocean of depression i am drowning in now. i feel like the stupidest, most selfish person in the world for letting anyone else take precedence over my family. so much shame and guilt.

i want to wake up tomorrow and find her chewing on her mountain of toys, or barking playfully at me. even just recognizing me will do. i miss the way she used to jump up and leave deep red scrawls down my legs. how she would scratch at my door in the middle of the night to be let in. she doesn't even respond to her favourite food anymore. i opened and shut the fridge door for three minutes just to see if she would perk up like she usually does when someone goes into the kitchen, but all she did was blink sadly, and i broke down for what felt like the millionth time.

my head feels like it's floating and my eyes are swollen from all the crying, but i don't know what else to do. i have never been good at waiting anything out, and every sleepless minute that goes by, my heart shatters into smaller pieces. why do we love? why do we give ourselves away so easily? sometimes i think it would be better if we never had feelings in the first place. like robots. like soulless machines that work quietly until they fade away. anything would be better than this right now.


House of Cards

i think i might finally be sick of sushi cause that's all i've been eating for the past two weeks. sad. i can go for weeks (sometimes months) just eating the same food. yes, i am a creature of habit when it comes to my diet. i should probably broaden my menu or something. heh. yeah, i should write this down on my palm the next time i go to a restaurant. DON'T BE PREDICTABLE!

my dad flew back from hong kong with perfume which he bought at the duty free because he'd put off buying souvenirs until the last minute. like father, like daughter. but i love perfume so i was super excited. i tried the burberry one and was a bit disappointed. it smells really nice on my brother but not so much on me - too overpowering. the drydown is better than the top notes but i can't wait that long for my perfume to evaporate all the time. especially since it takes forever for this to wear off on me. i guess i'll be giving this to my brother.

but i do need a new fragrance for the warm spell we're about to be getting so i'm wondering which one to buy. i just want something light and summery. i tried asking ZR and YN for suggestions but they said they like the one i'm wearing now (DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom) and i should stick to that. RJ is pushing for the Givenchy Organza because he always uses my perfume after he's had a shower, and he likes spicier scents. sigh. we share custody of my iPod too, so he often tells me what songs i should upload into it. two weeks ago, he was spring cleaning the apartment (he wouldn't let me help) and decided he wanted to listen to some music while sweeping/mopping the floor. he scrolled through the playlist and proceeded to have a mini freak-out. 

D... [sidles closer] are you busy now? 
not really, why? 
[starts blathering and waving hands wildly] have you listened to Radiohead's latest album?! in rainbows! ahhh it's so good ok you don't know! you don't even know! 
umm ok. [not really listening anymore] 
blablabla perfect blend of edgy riffs and lush melodies! [looks at me] hey! you're not listening to me anymore! [clutches my face and shakes it from side to side] LISTEN TO ME! 
oh yeah yeah, go on. 
Radiohead is God! Thom Yorke is a genius! i would let you have his babies so we could raise them as prodigal music pioneers of the future! [gets crazed look in his eyes] 
uhhh i... 
D YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! [grabs my hands and holds them very very tightly] i looked through your playlist and you don't have any songs from this album. so. what happens now? [huge puppy dog eyes] 
i umm... i upload the album into my iPod? 
i love you D, my love. [still holding my hands] so like i was saying, Radiohead is... [babbles on] 

i like Radiohead as much as the next person but RJ is their number one fanboy. i fell asleep in the car the other day and woke up to him shouting YEAH YEAH RADIOHEAD IS NUMBER ONE at the radio, then nearly swerving into a passing moped. all because someone called the station to request that they play Creep. yes, i am surrounded by crazy people these days.


A Distorted Recollection

in my head there are a million stars
and each one is falling to earth
and each one is caught in an empty jam jar then
shaped with a hammer into a tiny bright charm
hung from a silver strand around a neck
there are caves that smell like old books
with flowers inside that glow in the dark
and a little girl sells them in fistfuls
to people who sit amongst clouds

now i am walking on a long straight road
wearing a scarf that drapes on the grey
my breath escapes in bubbles and lace
someone bothered to say hello
someone tried to understand me

and i woke up with eyes half shut and wondering 
am i really the only one who has these dreams?


Inspired By A Galaxy


all those times someone said their heart was in their mouth and their heart was in their throat. and i said they were lying. i'm sorry. i believe you now.
daul kim, say hi to forever and how i never knew you. today i am so so sad.


Sunset Drama King

i thought i'd give you something funny to read today, after weeks of the most depressing posts ever. behold, the barbeque party as told in ZR's journal. SB and i read it with her permission (she wanted me to know how worried she was that night) and we couldn't stop laughing.  i thought it would make good blogging fodder so here it is. just so you know, i'm Mouse, the boy is Talls, PD is Outers and YN is Boobs. ZR has a flair for the dramatic. note the unnecessary exclamation points. it's like reading an Archie comic.


... so I walked in to check on Mouse because she hadn't come out in ten minutes and I found her lying on the bed! Like passed out and stuff! So I ran out to the living room and started panicking and I pulled Boobs' arm and told her "You have to do something, Mouse is unconcscious!" and we ran into the room to look at her! We called her name but she didn't move. I touched her forehead and OMG you could've cooked eggs on it!
I asked Boobs and Outers what we should do and they asked if Talls knew. I said no because he wasn't there yet and they told me that we should tell him because he's the one who always looks after Mouse! It just so happened that he had just arrived and we were quite amazed at the coincidence. We said hello and then we told him that Mouse was passed out on the bed and he rushed to check.
I am telling you, the next time we have some kind of emergency, we should ask Talls to take care of it! He looked at Mouse and asked if she'd been drinking and we said no! As if we would let her drink herself to death! Then he sat down next to her and picked her up and shook her lightly! And she woke up! It turns out she'd been sleeping! And Mouse was in a really deep sleep or something so she couldn't hear us shouting! We should've shaken her awake instead! Outers said we could have poured water on her but I guess we forgot. We were so worried!
So we all started cheering that she wasn't sick or anything but Talls shouted at us and asked us to get out because she needed to sleep. We were just so relieved okay?! He just told her to go back to sleep and he'd wake her when they were leaving because he was driving her home, then he put the blanket on her and chased us all out! From my room! He wouldn't even let me go in to take my lipstick until he was sure she was asleep again! 
I guess the next time Mouse does that we need to make sure she's really fainted and stuff before panicking but it was just kind of scary because she never does that!!! Like at all the parties, she's the one who almost never sleeps! She'll just sit there listening to music or reading after everyone falls asleep and we'll wake up and see her smiling at the sunrise or something like that! And then last night she slept for six straight hours! A first! And I didn't know you feel so warm when you sleep! Mouse if you're reading this, never ever do that again! Tell us before you go to sleep next time okay!!! 

oh god, everytime she tells me this story, i want to die laughing. i cannot believe that they thought i'd had a fainting spell of some sort. what she said about me never sleeping during the parties is true because i don't usually seem to feel tired even while everyone is crashing around me. however, i'd had two sleepless nights before that party and i just gave up, so i went to her room to rest. i must've have fallen asleep because the next thing i know, the boy was holding me and asking if i was alright. i mumbled that i wanted to lie down and he told me to go back to sleep. the rest of them started whooping and making the most annoying noises so i was really glad when everyone left. i think they were half drunk to have acted so stupidly that night.

also, hahaha at the smiling at sunrise part. i didn't know anyone was watching. i like the colours you see when the sunlight starts to spill over the skyline. very inspirational.

oh, and we all have weird nicknames because ZR thinks it's cute. mine is Mouse because she says i sneeze like one (what?! how would she know?) and i also have a childish voice or something. the boy's is Talls because he's tall. PD's is Outers because he is always passing out everywhere. and YN's is Boobs for obvious reasons - she wears an F cup. in case you're interested, ZR has her own nickname. it's K.O.Queen. because she can drink five cans of beer straight up and not get even the slightest bit tipsy. i am amazed.


Stab City

i'm eating spoonfuls of green tea ice cream and wondering if i could squeeze my feet into size 36 shoes for a torturous wedding dinner. there is a certain charm about the way he drew a rabbit with eight whiskers on one cheek and five on the other. is it a hidden message? how about the fact that i wake up with swollen eyes after a good night's sleep, every single time? you can't expect the paint on the wall to dry faster just because you've been breathing on it while you're splayed out under the piano. maybe if you... if you stopped waiting for something to happen, you'll find the happiness you've been wishing for on falling leaves and half filled Chivas bottles.


Distraction Is A Gift

my love life is beginning to sound like a bad fanfiction so i'm going to pretend it doesn't exist anymore. now i can focus on the more important things in life - shopping for new clothes. i threw out nearly half of the stuff in my wardrobe and realized too late that i have nothing to wear when attending casual events. i had to wear a dress to the barbeque a few nights back and didn't enjoy myself as much as i could've because i was too busy worrying about spilling anything over myself. SB solved the problem by upending his bottle of beer over (on?) my chest. i would've murdered him if he hadn't immediately ripped off his jacket for me to put on while giving me the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster.

so the plan is to (i think i use this phrase too often) buy a few pairs of shorts and tees, maybe a new cardigan and a pair of sandals. vintage is fine and dandy until your drunk friends decide that you're an alcoholic plant and must be watered fortnightly with equal doses of ice cream soda and Guinness. perhaps i should start leaving the price tags on my clothes, so i can force said "friends" to replace everything that they've managed to rip and/or stain.

speaking of bad fanfiction (as mentioned in the first paragraph so it's not a huge backtrack), i stumbled upon a very lengthy blog post detailing the drunken exploits of some guy from this band. Boys Like Girls, i think. are they supposed to be boys who like girls? or boys who are like girls? hmm... both perhaps?

anyway, many people commenting on this issue have been making the most delightful one-liners, ranging from bitingly snarky to downright deluded. after reading through pages and pages of their valuable insight, i am glad that i have never been a band groupie. it seems like too much hard work for nothing. getting leered at by strange men and having to endure their tongues down your throat your idea of fun, ladies? like they say, one man's trash...

now if you will excuse me, i'm off to sort through what's left of my wardrobe and make a list of things that i should be looking out for on my next shopping excursion.