31.10.09

Consequence





so the posting is going to be sporadic from now on. it'll be like taking time off with little breaks in the middle to reminisce. dangerous, i know. i'm such a daredevil sometimes. and a masochist, if you hadn't noticed. i like eating chips straight from the fryer ohohoho... ok shutting up now.

in case you're wondering why the sudden downturn since the party on friday night?, i will fill you in on the details. long story short, i had made up my mind that i would treat the boy like a friend and nothing more. i'd also decided that if JY made her move, i was to smile and accept it as a good thing since it would help me forget him and all. sadly, life never goes the way i want it to.

at the party, the boy and i both got really high. after trying to avoid him for the whole night (while he in turn, ignored JY), he cornered me against a wall. he leaned in dangerously close while making eye contact, and we stood there for what must have been a whole minute, while everyone around us stopped what they were doing and turned to watch us. i know he was waiting for some sort of acquiescence on my part, but i couldn't do it. i pushed him away, half smiling to pretend that i was fine, then ran into ZR's room to cry. i was so angry at that moment, because i thought we were over this whole issue. what is the point of staying friends when you can't even respect that boundary? acting this way is what got us into this stupid mess in the first place.

after a few deep breaths, i went back out to confront him, only to be told that he'd gone out to smoke up. i was disappointed but relieved that i wouldn't have to see his reaction. once again, everyone else pretended that they hadn't seen anything wrong, if only for my benefit.

an hour later, just as i was beginning to enjoy myself, the boy returned. stoned of out his mind. he saw me half sleeping/half sitting on the couch and stumbled over. he then sat down next to me, gave me the most heartbreaking smile, then placed his head carefully on my ribcage. he mumbled something about always being the bad guy, even when he wasn't trying to be. how he couldn't even win in my dreams. that he could hear my heartbeat, and he was breathing in time with it.

then he fell asleep.

while i lay awake for the rest of the night, crying silently over how much we were hurting each other and the strangers we had become to each other, trying not to wake him up. i kept wondering why we couldn't seem to move on, why he wouldn't let me forget him. the time floated by so slowly that night. the six hours felt like forever, and every minute was stretched out by the sound of his breathing. perfectly melding with mine. even in his sleep.

we acted like everything was fine in the morning. when he woke up and i in turn passed out in ZR's bed. when he woke me up to drive me home before my lunch hour curfew. while he drove me past familiar grey buildings, listening to post metal (why?) and poorly remixed versions of Akon. when he waited for me to leave, to walk through the doors of the elevator, just like every other time.

but i'm going to be fine. he might not want to get better, but i am not planning on killing myself anytime soon. i've come a long way since june. i can't go back. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy.


30.10.09

Gone, Play On


last day of internship and i think i'm going to miss this place. who would have thought? all my friends laughed when i said i was getting some sort of job, but i have lasted three months. the paycheck helped, i admit, but i liked the idea of doing something like this on my own for the first time.

i'm not sure if i'll ever type a post on this computer again. eat another lonely meal at the table, while dragging my heels on the floor. wear three sweaters to keep from freezing until i finally learned to survive with just one. so many scattered thoughts about this place but i can't rearrange them into sentences coherent enough for anyone else to understand.

i'll also sort of miss the boss, and how he skips coming into the office four days out of five, then rushes in for last minute paperwork. his frantic appeals for help when he has to use a computer. when he doesn't realize that i'm on the phone and wonders out loud why i'm talking to myself. he actually forgot that i was quitting twice, then slyly asked if i would consider coming back after a break.

and RS, who helped me a lot with my work. i've never heard her complain about a single thing i've done, although she's entitled to do much more than just mouth off, considering the mistakes i make sometimes. i'll probably buy her a gift and mail it to the office. just to say thank you.

only ten more minutes until i leave. i'm a bit anxious because i can't think of what to say. should i act happy? sad? are there unwritten rules about your behaviour on the last day of work? besides not making too big of a show packing your belongings into discreet canvas totes, of course.

the table looks so empty now. it doesn't feel right. where are the seven piles of paperwork, the scattered pens and the torn up memos? today seems like a strange day.

goodbye office. goodbye. it was a great run while it lasted.

26.10.09

If I'm Not Out Burning


i can smell strawberry yoghurt from where i'm lying
i have ten fingernails but only one of them has a half moon
last night someone let off a whole slew of fireworks and this morning i saw fire engines rushing about madly
fridays are my favourite days though i was born on a wednesday
my mother taught me how to pop bubble wrap
in the same vein, my father taught me my first swear word
i am currently addicted to freecell, drawing Sanrio characters and watching past seasons of Skins
at ZR's party, the boy backed me up against a wall and leaned in so close i could hear him breathe me in
but i walked away crying
self destructing comes naturally these days

i think i am going to be taking a indefinite break from this blog. i want to gather my thoughts (like every other fcking time) and try not to kill myself. there are so many things i want to sort into piles, all neatly labeled and left to burn. starting with all those letters i wrote. i need to get over this. he's obviously not going to help, so i'll have to do this on my own.

remember that today, i love you. so so much.

24.10.09

Woods


why can't i let you go?!




22.10.09

We Drink On The Job


well, he's picking me up for the party tomorrow. PD was supposed to be doing that but the boy volunteered instead. i don't know what i'll say to him. it's always awkward sitting in a car with someone who you can't look in the eye. maybe i'll just start singing again.

21.10.09

Certain Things You Ought To Know


he took me out for lunch on saturday. it rained so heavily, we couldn't see through the front windshield, and i was terrified that we'd crash but he kept saying he wouldn't lose control, not even for a second. still, i was relieved when we made it to my gate in one piece and reminded him to drive carefully on the way home.

PD and i were chatting later, and we were laughing about his terrible performance in a previous football game until he asked me if i had enjoyed the lunch. apparently the boy had been looking forward to it all week, even if he hadn't given me that impression. not trusting myself to speak, i just nodded my head.

two days later, ZR told me that she and PD were in this conversation with the boy on msn messenger (ohgod), and in the midst of it, the subject of our lunch was brought up. he told them that the lunch was great (he had second helpings) and everything went smoothly until the rain began to pour. to their (and my) immense surprise, he said that he had been scared on the inside because it was so hard to drive.

*part of the conversation that ZR sent me.
the following exchange is between PD (who i'm going to kill) and the boy.

and i was just thinking, stay calm. stay calm. if it had just been me in that car, i would have been ok if the car crashed, but D was there. i didn't want anything to happen to her, so i pretended that everything was fine.
didn't she ask?
she did. before it started raining, she asked if i was tired because she knew i had not had any sleep the previous night, and also because work was brutal these past few days. i said no but i don't think she believed me. then when it was raining, i kept telling her it would be alright even when i couldn't see the road. for a whole half hour.
omfg insane. why didn't you stop or something?
she had a curfew.
like i said, insane.
yeah. scariest experience in a long time.
hahaha D must have been terrified since she hates driving and sh*t.
her face, you should have seen it. she closed her eyes three quarters of the time. and she was singing to herself. if it wasn't such a tense situation, i would have laughed.
hahahahaha what the hell was she singing?
i wasn't really listening cause i was concentrating on not crashing, but they were those songs that she likes. the ones no one's heard of besides her. haha and i know she was singing owl city at one point because she forced me to listen to him once. should i have started singing along?
she would have killed you hahahaha. she would have been like "OMGOMGOMG FOCUS ON YOUR DRIVING! STOP SINGING! DON'T KILL US! BREATHE D BREATHE!" hahahahaha!
sounds about right hahahaha. D thinks that just because she can't drive while talking or singing, no one else can.
did you tell her that?
and have her be all "shut up! shut up! if you're not going to drive properly, just let me get down here and i'll walk! and drive carefully! don't kill yourself ok!"? no thanks.
hahaha you've been spending too much time with her, cause you're getting really good at this imitating thing.
i wish.
haha so much for a refreshing lunch. you think she'll be up for another anytime soon?
screw you.

from the way they talk about me, i sound like such a loser. no wonder all their friends look at me with this half amused half pitying face when they first meet me. in all seriousness though, it was nice of the boy to have acted the way he did, but he should have told me! then we could have stopped somewhere and waited for the rain to let up! curfew be damned, my life is more important than that. his too, of course. boys and their weird ways.

20.10.09

World Spins Madly On


ZR has convinced me to come for the party, so i'm going to try and think of a way. i'm not doing it for the boy (or JY) but because i deserve some time off. wish me luck! i am going to need every little bit i can get.

and today is a very special day. i have been blogging for three years now, eventhough i never even expected to make it past the first three months. i've always had trouble committing to something, so it's wonderful that i managed to keep this up for as long as i have. yay me! sadly, i forgot about this joyous occassion last year, so i'm going to make up for it this year.

happy third anniversary starsofglass.blogspot.com (currently barley for brains)!

i'm going to keep blogging until i get fed up, but i hope that won't be for years to come. since this is much easier than writing in a diary.

19.10.09

Passing Afternoon


unfinished letter, found in a pocket of the grey dress with buttons. dated 17/7/2009.



the aftermath:-

i've given up on the colour green, it's just not meant to be, especially when it's both your favourite and mine. i don't need to be reminded of your fingers brushing mine towards shades of mint and jade in the paint section, or of the emerald dress i wore to meet you in the old parking lot. it is now pink, because you hated the colour and said it was too overdone, so how refreshing it was that i never wore or used it. thursday was a pink top, pink shorts, pink flats and even a pink cardigan with little hearts. i wish you could have seen me then. or would you still have said i looked good in anything?

i've stopped listening to that stupid song you thought was wonderful, the one about drugs and alcohol and sex(probably). it figures that your music choices would echo your lifestyle choices. you probably were hooked on the one called 'let's see how much i can make her cry yet still be in love with me' for the past six months. i know you did love me, i know you cared a lot. just not enough to stop hurting me the way you did. addictions are hard to kill off, but i wish i was worth giving it all up for. i really do.

one thing i can't bring myself to do is walk past that stone bench where i waited for you to recover whatever it is that you were on. or that window where you made stupid faces in to entertain me so i wouldn't remember how much my feet hurt, because my shoes were biting into them. or that balcony where i drew the people i knew and you wanted to know if i'd drawn you. i said no. i was lying. if you had opened the leather bag, you would have seen dozens of you, all crooked grins and messy haired and perfect in the way only you are. i can't walk past all these places but sometimes i have to, only i don't and i make up stories to explain why i can't. i think everyone sees through the lies, how pathetic i am and how i end up running away from problems instead of unravelling them.

i never realized how many pictures i have of you until i had to delete them off my phone, one by one. you're pulling me into the frame, your arms extended towards the sky, happiness exuding from you. my face is partially blocked by my purse but you can see my eyes clearly - they look genuinely carefree for once. i even know what happens after that picture. you tell me how t---

17.10.09

There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease


it is nothing like what i thought it would be
when he looked at me i felt as if my heart would burst
with his goodbye
while he waited for me to walk away
looking hopefully for that one sign of weakness
said 'i'll always be here
'no matter what happens to me
'i will watch you and keep you safe
my feet were cement blocks but i kept on going
i just want to be happy again

16.10.09

Early Morning Ambulance

who you are/have been/will always be to me

the lines etched into my palm
sips of black coffee
pieces of a broken test tube
the reflection i see in every shard
a bitten off expletive
staccato laughter
the silence after a thunderstorm
torn canvas shoes
pillows that smell like smoke
an empty vodka bottle
an empty heart

15.10.09

I'm Kicking Myself

i asked YN what i should do regarding my previous problem and she told me to leave it alone. i asked if this was a form of jealousy and she said it might be so oh dear. i guess i deserved this slap in the face because it is no different from me constantly reminding the boy that we should just move on. this is probably how he felt all those fifty three or so times.

ok, you should know that when i'm high/tipsy/drunk, i tend to be very noisy and all over the place. i babble on and on, run around like a hyperactive 5 year old and sing cheesy pop songs at the top of my voice. when i wake up in the morning, i can't really remember everything in great detail- there are gaps in my memory - and my friends will fill me in on what happened.
for example, i can remember eating something sweet but not what it was exactly, so YN will tell me that i was actually scoffing green tea ice cream.

hahaha and yesterday evening, she told me that at the last party, i was a bit cold and standoffish. probably because i was watching the boy and JY. apparently (according to YN and ZR) one of ZR's friends has liked me since the first party, but we were never introduced to each other (and the boy was always with me) so he hovered around me shyly every single time. at the last party, he saw that i was alone and thought he might try his luck.

YN said that i was sitting on the couch and drinking moodily while staring into a corner (at the boy and JY, no doubt) and she had settled on the other end. ZR's friend - we'll call him RG -
walked over to talk to me. YN loves to eavesdrop so she scooted closer to listen in. from what she overheard, the conversation went something like this.

hi.
hi.
i remember you. do you remember me from the last party?
eh? i think so. you're the guy with the really cool phone right?
hahaha, it's ok. my name's RG. *sits down next to me*
oh. hi RG. i'm...
D, i know. we met at the last party, even if you don't remember.

i'm really sorry. i'm terrible with names and faces.
i was the guy that hugged you goodbye.
*blank face*
nevermind. so anyway, are you enjoying the party?
oh yeah. yeah. it's fun. *stares at something in the corner*
can i get you something to drink?
it's fine, i have this. *pats bottle next to me*

oh. ok. so, are you from around here?
no.
are you planning to study here?
no.
ok. umm... *looks around for something/someone to talk about?* IR said that you play the piano. are you any good?
no.
well, that's ok. i don't play a musical instrument so you're really good in my eyes.
oh. thanks. listen, i'm a bit tired so do you mind if i just put my head down while we talk?

no no, not at all. *YN says that she thinks he assumed i wanted to rest my head on his shoulder so he straightened up*
thank you. *rests head on arm of couch*
oh. *disappointed smile* you're welcome.

YN said that he continued talking and i started to warm up a little, and then i excused myself to go to the bathroom and didn't return after 20 minutes so he went looking for me. i had locked myself in ZR's room and tried to go to sleep but it didn't work. meanwhile, having realized that i wasn't coming back, RG went off and got drunk. later, i came outside to get some fresh air and he returned to hover around me. we ended up sitting on the couch again
while he tried to clear his head. after a while, he fell asleep on my shoulder and i was afraid to move. when he woke up, he went to wash his face and started throwing up instead.

he had to be carried by the boy and PD to his own apartment because he couldn't walk. he passed out in the kitchen trying to get some water. i feel so bad for laughing everytime i think about it but before they dragged him away, he saw me watching the whole thing and waved goodbye. omghahahaha his face was just priceless.


but i'm really sorry that i was such a frigid bitch to him that night, even though i can't remember most of this. only the part where i came out of the room and he fell asleep on my shoulder. sigh, maybe i should stop drinking so i can actually keep track of what i'm doing.

and no, i'm not interested in him at all. he's nice/funny but i'm just not ready for a new
relationship, especially when i can't seem to get over the last one. if we end up talking at the next party, i think i'll try and get the hint in that i'm not available.

but YN and ZR suggested that i flirt back to annoy the boy. and he's also really rich so they think i could get something out of it. what good friends they are. they should've played some kanye in the background while they told me this though.



now i ain't saying she a gold digger...



13.10.09

In Case of Rapture

in a week, ZR will be throwing another house party and i'm not sure if i can go, since the parents have become even more overprotective over the past few months. normally i wouldn't mind, but this time it is different. if i don't go, i'm afraid of change. the bad kind of change. because...

the boy is going too, as always. as i mentioned before, we're still pretty close and whenever we meet up, it feels just like old times. we talk, we laugh, we sit in comfortable silence until someone (me) falls asleep first. he's never said so, but everyone else has told me that whenever i'm tipsy (or about to be), he goes into this super caring mode and starts to hover around me. watching whatever i drink or eat, holding my hand as we walk up and down the stairs, tucking me into bed after i've passed out. i can't really tell if this is true because i can never quite remember these nights. i just know that i'm very happy to see him again, even if the nearness of him makes me dizzy, because it's nice to know that we can still be friends. keep in mind that i am not going back to him anytime soon, unless we both mature a little.

now for the problem.

at the first party ZR threw in her dorm, we (the boy and i) were introduced to her course mate JY. she seemed nice, we exchanged pleasantries and smiled at each other. i didn't notice it at the time, but she had a thing for the boy. she kept trying to engage him in conversation and laughing at everything he said. when i arrived, she'd been talking to him about her studies. after we were done saying hello, the boy decided to have a chat with me instead and we sat down on the couch to talk about the things we'd been up to lately. i didn't think she'd mind, especially since she'd just met him and we were all mingling around.

around a half hour into the conversation, JY turned up looking extremely drunk and made some remarks about me that were a bit disturbing, but i chalked it up to the alcohol. after a few moments of her drunken rambling, she left, so the boy and i continued talking. an hour later, she returned to hurl abuse at me, insulting my clothes/looks/personality in not so subtle ways. i got rather upset and walked away, the boy following close behind. ZR and another friend pulled her off into a bedroom to sleep it off, and i thought that was the end of it.

later, YN told me that JY had insinuated that i was 'easy' and wanted to know why the boy had spent most of the night with me. she asked if we were dating, and YN kept quiet. obviously not the answer she had wanted because she continued to make hurtful remarks about me to YN and everyone in the vicnity. when i heard this, i was quite angry at first, but then i felt sorry for her because she had made herself look like an idiot in front of everyone. i understood what it was like to want someone that badly -the raw hurt- after all, june hadn't been that long ago, and i forgave her.

at the next party, i arrived a little earlier than the boy, and JY was one of the few people who were there. thinking that i could use this opportunity to start over with her, i walked over and said hi. to my surprise, she ignored my greeting and asked me if i planned to have a raunchy (read: slutty) night. i wanted to say something to defend myself, but the boy walked in at that moment. JY immediately bounced over to him, offered him a sip of her beer (he declined), then draped herself over his arms, all while giving me a satisfied smirk. confused, i smiled a hello at him and before he could open his mouth, she had pulled him away to the balcony.

for the rest of the night, i tried not to get upset while she dragged him off to dark corners and flirted heavily with him. everytime he came over to talk to me, she would appear out of nowhere and lay her hand on his arm protectively. he didn't seem to be interested in her or her 'moves' but you can never tell with the boy. he keeps his feelings to himself. ZR and Y took turns to sit by me and dole out consoling hugs, although they too pretended that nothing was wrong.

i'd like to think that i could be happy for the boy if he found another girl who wasn't iffy about our friendship. a girl who would reach out to me too, someone with a lovely personality, someone i could also call a friend. but if he were to date JY, i know she would eventually ruin our friendship because she is that type of person. and the boy is unpredictable when it comes to the girls he goes out with (i don't know if i've just managed to insult myself here) so i can't say for sure that he isn't or wouldn't be attracted to her.

if i don't go to the next party, she might make a move on him since i wouldn't be around. in all honesty, i wouldn't do anything to stop her should i be present, but... i feel as if i would rather see it happening for myself (if it does happen) than hear about it from someone else. a twisted sort of closure, i guess. maybe i'm just jealous? i hope not. i really do.

what happens now? do i go to the party? or is this a sign that i should move on? i'm so stupid, i know, but i can't seem to cure myself of this. apparently eating frozen yogurt straight from the tub while reading caro peacock doesn't solve all problems. i just...

11.10.09

Maybe I'm Tired


well maybe i'm just scared

scared to let you go
i want you to know
right from hello
your love just kept me wondering


as tall as lions

3.10.09

This Girl Is Taking Bets


this is going to be a really long post, so if you do read it i am very very grateful.

i've been at the office all week sorting files and helping out wherever i can because the legal assistant has been having some problems. from what i overheard (unintentionally!), her boyfriend/lover was cheating on her, then dumped her and ran off with her car so she had to take some time off to sort everything out. i feel really bad for her and i hope she manages to pull through.

instead of today's post being all rambly and/or soppy, i'd like to talk about more serious matters, the first being the recent natural disasters in the Philippines, Indonesia, Samoa, and various other nations. people are desperate for help all over the world, and i hope everyone reading this makes an effort to donate something. every little bit helps. even the $5 you spend on coffee everyday makes a difference. give up your iced frappucino for a day. it would mean a lot to all those people out there who are now waiting for a second chance at life. they really need all the help they can get.

the second issue i would like to talk about pertains to this incredible person.

if you've never heard of him, i sort of envy you

now colour me stupid, but i fail to see why anyone is even supporting this moron. some people have thrown out reasons like:-

"he's old! do you want him to die in jail?!"
yes, he's old. does that excuse what he did? no. he was capable of rational thought but he chose to commit an act that he knew was wrong. why do you think he fled the country? for a 30 year vacation? he gave alcohol to a 13 year old, then drugged her, then raped her.

"jail is for rehabilitation! he's turned over a new leaf! why do we need to put him there?!"
wrong again. jail is also used to punish people, and safely lock up those who are a danger to society. pedophiles, hebephiles and rapists included. it would also serve as a deterrent to other perverts out there thinking they might be able to get away with their own disgusting crimes.

"she wasn't a virgin when he 'raped' her! she was a slut!"
so she'd had sex before, boo fcking hoo. this is one of the worst excuses ever. are you saying that anyone who isn't a virgin will automatically consent to having sex with any random person? so by that logic, you could force yourself upon someone else's mother and it wouldn't count. because she wasn't a virgin, remember? because she was a slut, right? granted, she shouldn't have been having sex at such a young age but when it came down to sleeping with Roman Polanski, she said no. and he ignored her constant refusal. to quote Kate Harding:-
"A rapist is nothing but a man who doesn't listen when you say stop."

and if you're going to argue that she might have lied and everything was in fact consensual, i'm just going to remind you that she was underaged. add in the fact that she was drunk and drugged, and it's pretty obvious that the whole thing was plain wrong.
"hasn't he suffered enough? not being able to return to america! not being able to collect his oscar in person! not being able to visit his wife's grave!"
yes, because living in the lap of luxury while jetsetting between countries that wouldn't turn him in was pure pain. and oh dear, he didn't get to go to the oscars? sacrilege!

look at the chalet he owns in switzerland! if he's put under house arrest, this is where he would have to stay. what suffering indeed.

"he suffered great trauma when he was younger! of course he's screwed up! we need to forgive!"
hahahaha at this. there are many people out there who have experienced great tragedies at a young age but have grown up to be exemplary adults. i'm sorry that he had to go through such hardships as a child but this doesn't excuse his behaviour.

"the victim doesn't want the case to go to trial! she is the only person whose decision matters!"
this is a touchy subject. it is true that she has asked for the case to be dropped, but she isn't the only victim out there. her case is one of millions, there are many out there who are being sexually abused everyday. to not convict him would show how flawed the judicial system is, and it would deter many survivors of sexual abuse from coming forward out of fear that this situation might happen to them.

"he was detained in switzerland although he was supposed to have immunity there. it's a neutral country! he was there to accept an award at a highly respected film festival as an outstanding director! his movies are genius!"
you're right, what were they thinking? hauling out such an amazing artist from a prestigous event like that, pfft...
i'd like to sleep at night knowing that criminals are caught wherever they flee to, and not protected by stupid things like film festivals and award winning movies. you can still appreciate his work, but you don't have to pardon him just because he produced masterpieces. we have to learn to separate the man from his films. in my opinion, they didn't arrest a director at that film festival. they arrested a child rapist, and that is all that needs to be said.

"why now? it's been 30 years! if it was such a big deal they would've gotten him years ago."
it is a big deal, and they did make 5 attempts to get him back to the US. however, it isn't the easiest thing in the world when France (and the other countries he traveled in) refused to extradite him. he made sure to only set foot in countries without extradition agreements with the US. blame him for running away in the first place.

"what if it was consensual?"
still rape. having sexual relations with a 13 year old is illegal! if it was consensual, it would be statutory rape. he didn't serve time for that either and ran away instead before the judge could pass a sentence.

to all these idiots, thank you for making me feel so much smarter today. i've been doubting my intelligence for a while now, but not anymore!

i'm sorry if i'm being harsh, but sexual abuse (especially when it concerns minors) is something i feel very strongly about, so i cannot stand it when people choose to defend and make excuses for anyone who has committed a sexual offense.


if you want a good biased read, i'd suggest Anne Applebaum or Joan Z. Shore over here. true geniuses. just like Whoopi "rape-rape" Goldberg. however, Anna Wainwright, Kate Harding, Eve Ensler and Michael Seitzman all wrote articles worth looking through.

maybe i'm alone in thinking this, but i believe that he should be made to serve his time. it would be a different story if it turns out that the girl had made up this story, but i highly doubt it considering that he's already confessed. i'm just so tired of seeing people get away with everything just because they're famous, know the right people or have done something wonderful. there are many grey areas in life, but this doesn't seem like one of them. i hope someone out there understands what i'm trying to say. whether he deserves jail time is not for me to decide, but the bottom line is that no one should be above the law. no one.