I Know What Kind Of Love This Is


the way you laugh in the morning before you've had your first cigarette, because you don't cough uncontrollably afterwards. how you always unsuccessfully mock the way i sneeze, but secretly think it's cute. your fingers which are longer than mine. the fact that you are taller. when i'm cold but i try not to let it show, you still can tell and then you give me your sweaters to keep me warm. that you love the same songs i do most of the time, and even sing along with me even though everyone's watching us. how i don't feel stupid when i'm with you, since you're not really the type to show off, though you're smart in your own way. your habit of smiling unconsciously. times when you surprise me with the most thoughtful remarks. that you always say what you mean, and that there's always something for us to talk about. the fact that you remember the little things. the way you smell when you're happy.


not knowing where you are most of the time. the fact that you can't stop drinking and smoking and trying to kill yourself with everything that you get addicted to. the way you smell after one of those nights (or days). your apathy when it comes to most things. how you tell one lie after another and still don't learn when you're caught. when you stick up for your 'friends' even though they're changing you into a shell of your previous self. moments when you're hunched against the wall, pretending you don't care that your family is breaking apart. watching you play that game where you put your palm on a table and stab the gaps between your fingers with a knife. finding out how close you always are to running away from everything. that you never want to admit how vulnerable you feel, how inadequate you think you are. how i can whitewash and shred every memory i have of us, yet still manage to stay in love with you.


Dream Chronicles

i've just managed to unlock a repressed memory.

the mother and i were watching the television, just flipping through different channels while waiting for the Oprah Winfrey show to start (the mother's idea, not mine). we came across this movie/show that took place in a hospital and it seemed relatively less painful than everything else, so we settled on that. thirty seconds in, one of the characters gets knocked out by this weird guy after deciding to walk around the hospital alone. i was commenting on how stupid the girl was to go into dark rooms when she heard weird noises coming from them, without any company at all. also, i ranted a bit about how her friends didn't notice she was gone until they heard strange noises. the mother asked if i was cranky because i was recalling my own "hospital traumatic incident".

actually, i had no idea what she was talking about for two whole minutes. the mother kept repeating words like 'visit uncle' and 'curtain' and 'asylum patient' while i tried my best to understand. then suddenly, i remembered.

when i was around five or six, my uncle (then still my aunt's boyfriend) was working in the father's (ex) construction business. his job was to supervise the construction site, and not just sit around. it was quite a risky job, so the father insisted that everyone wear a safety helmet, but apparently my uncle found it too tedious. obviously stupidity has its downfalls, and a week or so into the job, a brick dropped onto his head from the fifth floor. luckily he had a thick skull.

at that time, my aunt was staying over at our place because it was closer to the hospital. she made the mother and i come along to visit him sometimes since she couldn't drive. it was during one of these tiresome visits that the incident the mother was talking about occurred.

my uncle was put in a ward bordering the psychiatric department, but none of us knew this seemingly harmless fact at that time. since his condition wasn't serious, he stayed in one of those wards which fit four or five people at once, with their beds separated by curtains. we were crowded into his little space and my aunt decided she would have some water, but didn't want to leave my uncle's side, so the mother had to go get some for her. she made me promise to stay there, reminded my aunt to keep an eye on me, then left.

the rest of this is a blur, but i remember choosing to stand with my back to the curtain so i could watch the television on the sidetable. apparently, what happened next went like this. i was grabbed from behind by someone and dragged out of the curtained area. there were no nurses/doctors around, and every other patient had their respective curtains drawn so i was alone with some lunatic (pun not intended). i wanted to scream but i was too frozen to do so. he pulled me out of the ward and into a corner where he tried to knock me out by clumsily hitting my neck with his hand. i tried fighting back but i was obviously much too weak to do anything.

fortunately some doctors had seen him in the corridors and they managed to subdue him. at the same time, the mother returned and upon seeing me in such a condition, rushed to my side. the doctors explained that he was from the psychiatric ward, and was very mentally unstable with violent tendencies. apparently he'd gotten loose when the nurse who was attending to him went off to take a phone call. i wonder if she was fired.

anyway, they gave me a check-up and besides being slightly shaken up, i was fine. the mother went off on my aunt and uncle when she found out that they hadn't noticed i was gone, because they were too busy focusing on one another. remembering this now makes my blood boil; i could've been killed because they were too busy sucking face. granted, it's not totally their fault but still, ahhhh.

i still don't know how i managed to forgot this incident for so long. maybe it was my way of coping with it until i was old enough to not freak out. the mother said it was probably because i thought i'd imagined it, cause it really does sound like something out of a movie. could be, but i don't remember having thought of it at all before this. oh well, at least now i'll have something interesting to tell people. this might also be the reason why i've never really like my aunt and uncle. and all this time i thought i was just really judgemental.


Oh By The Way

i have this sinking feeling that someone who i write about quite regularly has found my blog, but just isn't telling me directly. he keeps dropping hints, and i find that i'm not happy about it. now i really regret telling him that i blog (although i didn't do it on purpose, it slipped out when i was high). this is sort of like a personal diary, so it's not comfortable to have people you know reading it. especially when there are many entries about said people.

maybe i should just lock this blog, or shut it down and start up a new one. so confused right now. i think the best thing to do right now is drink grapefruit juice and go to bed. i'll probably feel better after i get some sleep.

note: i did not give him the blog name/address or any information that could have helped him find this blog. i think he probably googled keywords like "honey&clover", "unicorn" and other random stuff that i mention a lot. after i made him promise not to look for the blog. i hate myself sometimes.


Silent Conversation

fragment from 24th of February 2009. i think i tore this one up while crying, because there are tear stains all over the pieces. i've tried to put it in order, but there are gaps since many words are missing. i must have thrown them away.

the fourth question you asked me
when we first met was
how can you tell if your heart is still there?
and i laughed and said...
...but my love is more than that
it is a footprint of solemnity
i promised to...
... stood quietly
and they rise like eyelashes from the ground
i can never be perfect
how i cried when you said wait for me
when you tried to hold my hands
and i sat down defeated
torn pages in shades of burnt umber and grey
your handwriting on every surface
you wrote with the pen i gave you
the pen i found in your bag one day while you weren't there
and i threw it away
...questions left unspoken
i th...
...we had time
but we didn't
and on that cold rainy night when you picked up my bag
said stay please stay please tonight
i wanted t...
there is no other way to say i love you
i love you


A Sudden Change

I seem to be handling disappointment much better these days. There's no incessant crying, no trigger happy shopping, no doors slamming; nothing. Yesterday saw me browsing through twenty stores without buying anything. I didn't even have the urge to take out my purse. How wonderful is this? I think I'm growing up.


Light Leaves

Thirteen hours ago, I was browsing through a selection of piano scores, flipping back and forth between Mozart's Lacrymosa and Debussy's La Fille aux Cheveux de Lin when I saw a handwritten note in the corner of a page.

'Learn to play Last Things Last!'

And I was still eighteen, six months younger and watching you sweep candy wrappers onto the floor after I had meticulously arranged them according to colour. I pretended to be angry while you pinned me to the table and tore shreds of blue and white with your fingers, then sprinkled them through my hair.

Later, after I'd brushed all the paper out and smacked you in mock retaliation, you thumbed through my music file and smirked at my selection of classical music. "Beethoven, Bach and Chopin. Don't you ever play anything not boring?" I reminded you of Coldplay and Damien Rice and Joanna Newsom (who you'd never heard of) but you said those were terrible choices. "Why not something from Rachel's? You're always listening to them." I was surprised you'd even remembered the name.

In the end I hesitantly agreed, and then nothing came out of it. Maybe because you never got to listen to the song, maybe because after I penned down that note, things changed and I stopped sharing the music I loved with you.

And now I'm sitting here wondering why I even made that promise in the first place, and what I wanted out of it. The only thing I got was regret, because now every song is soaked in bitterness. I should never have let you into such a huge part of my life. I'm slowly moving on, but I hope this reminds me to always keep that door closed until I'm truly sure. Never again.


Bravo Charlie

Tagged by Mme Dolphin again. I keep these as filler posts. Also as a pseudo apology to make up for the fact that I haven't been posting as regularly as I would like to.

What is your current obsession?
Sleeping in. I've reached this plateau and don't feel like shopping that much these days. Except on Sundays, when the flea market demon kicks in.

What is your weirdest obsession?

Writing the same thing over and over again on a sheet of paper until I run out of space. Usually a line from a song, or a phrase someone told me that stuck in my head. Today it's 'i count eyelashes'. I don't know why, but I just like scribbling words.

What are you wearing today?
I'm at the office right now, so it's a white satin blouse with black and red apples print. Salmon pink flats, black shorts and a black slightly glittery cardigan.

Why is today special?

Because I have an avocado, cheese and carrot sandwich prepared for lunch. And also a bag of chocolate wafer curls. Hee, can you tell that my life revolves around food?

What would you like to learn to do?

Play the guitar, sew, hula hoop, speak three more languages and do cartwheels. In a more unrealistic matter, I'd like to be able to forget sad things and stop procrastinating so much.

If you could meet a fictional character (books, movies…) who would that be?

The eponymous character from Stargirl, who is my inspiration to be happy and good in life. Or Cassie from Skins. I keep getting told I'm like her, just without the eating disorder. Really??? But she's my favourite character on the show (not biased here).

What’s the last thing you bought?

Umm... a moss green dress with white polkadots (for $2!!!) , which sounds kind of awful, but it really is quite wonderful in real life. A white dress with pastel flowers, it's quite sweet. And a pink/grey plaid dress that looked quite different from the ones you get these days. All vintage, and all bought at the same time.

What are you listening to right now?

The Arcade Fire.

What is your favorite weather?
Cloudy or rainy, but only when I'm indoors. When I'm outside, I still don't like it warm and bright, but I like gentle breezes and the light you get when the sun's just come up.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Super driven, really responsible and incredibly athletic; I am so envious. She's also very pretty, for those of you who were wondering.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Bangkok! The shopping! The food!

Favorite vacation spot?
See above.

What would you like to have in your hands right now?

I'll write you a list.

What would you like to get rid of?
Worry and sadness.

Which language do you want to learn?
German. No idea why. Maybe because someone told me it sounds horrifically bitten off, abrupt and harsh. Talk about fitting me to a tee!

What did you dream of last night?
I can't really remember. Most of my dreams these days are a jumble and I wake up tired and confused.

One thing that you would snitch out of someone’s closet, with no regrets?
Cannot decide. It depends on my mood.

What’s your favorite piece of clothing in your closet?
Everything, I am not the kind of girl who can pick one piece, or even a few for that matter, and stick with it/them. Maybe one day I will have a wardrobe consisting of a few select bases, but until then, I need all my clothes.

What is your dream job?
Getting paid for sleeping, shopping and crayoning.

Personal aspirations at the moment?
To set a goal in life.

Your favourite pet?
My dog PP. Thoroughly spoiled, rude and constantly cranky, but always loved.


Wake Up

last saturday was a rainy saturday, and i sat by the window watching puddles grow. i remember you telling me, this was how you passed your time. i thought i would relapse, fall back into the crook of your lips or the curve of your shoulder, but it was different that evening. instead of feeling sad, i felt empty inside, as if everything i loved about you had seeped out through my tears all that while. at first i wanted to scream, because i was so desperate to feel something at all, and then i stopped.

this hollowness is a feeling, a meaningless and terrifyingly new kind of feeling, but it is better than the raw aching and nausea from when this ended. it is this feeling nothing that keeps me from calling you in the middle of the night, from saying your name over and over again when i'm talking to someone else like a crazed ex-lover, from burning up all the diary entries i wrote about you. and i've decided being empty is just temporary, until my happiness builds up and pours out through my teeth and into everything else, just like it used to. i'm just waiting for it.

so hey, i'm happier for feeling nothing, as stupid and twisted as it sounds. if it's working, who's to say it's wrong? maybe now i'll start writing again or getting some inspiration. maybe, maybe, maybe?