12.5.09

Leaving Time


Hiatus till June. Hopefully. I'm always posting most when I'm supposed to be studying. Hee. I am strong, I will not succumb to temptation (this computer makes the saddest faces at me when I'm not using it).

11.5.09

Bobbing For Apples


This game scared me so much, I had to eat the piece of chocolate shaped like a meteor that I was saving for next week's study marathon. Maybe it's because I was playing it at midnight, because I'm not usually freaked out by ghost movies and the supernatural. But what if the fear's finally kicked in? What if from now on, I am going to find all this terrifying?!

Damn it, I'm going to be killed on the class trip because the guys want to bring all the horror films they can find. No prizes for guessing which one of the girls they're going to want to torture. :( Am packing Hachikuro along so I won't have to suffer alone. God, I am so afraid they'll play some practical joke on me, something along the lines of hair stuck in the shower grating and faces at the windows.

Oh please please let me get over my sudden and unexpected fear of ghosts. I don't believe in ghosts I don't believe in ghosts I don't believe in ghosts.

9.5.09

What Could Have Been


this is a recollection of all the nights that you spent tapping out old love songs with your knuckles against the headboard. just so you know, i watched your eyes for the slightest spark, a scintilla of emotion, every single time. you're the most hollow person i know, with your concave chest and the wells in your collarbones pooling with my tears. perhaps you never loved me, perhaps it was a melange of feelings that led you to believe you did anyway.

if i look hard enough, you're still there in the oversized black shirt, standing with your arms outstretched and waiting to hold me. even today, you're still trying to protect me in your own screwed up way. beating up guys who insult me, sneaking me pastry in class because you know i haven't had breakfast.

even though everyone says i deserve better, it always ends up being you. you have become the culmination of every thing i love, all sewn up in dark hair, dark eyes and pale skin. why did we change so much?

6.5.09

Sometime Around Midnight


to say i am scared is an understatement. everyone gets it but you. yes. yes, i am terrified that you beat him up. why? because he disagreed with something i said? what the hell is wrong with you? i think you just enjoy seeing me crying and begging you to stop.

metalboy was telling the truth. you have no right to hurt and control others, even when you're in a relationship with that person. i don't even know you anymore. the old you would never have turned to violence. never. how can you tell me i'm safe? what if you lose your temper one day? what if you forget i'm there? would you hurt me? you keep saying no, but i am filled with doubt.

the knowledge that the boy who gives me the biggest eye rolls and cheesiest grins is capable of knocking someone down for no sensible reason makes me want to cry and throw up all over again.

4.5.09

Fury


i always told you, if you love me then you will. you will wait for me until i'm done with chemistry, because then i can watch you play your stupid computer games all night long. you will answer my questions about your family, because i want to get to know the people loved by the people i love. you will eat this bowl of baby spinach, because you don't get enough vegetables in your diet. you will take a shower before you hold me, because you smell like you've been living in the sewers under the boarding house.

if you still love me, you will shut the fuck up about sleeping with her, because i'm not over you. so you only told your friends, so what? then tell them not to let me know the next time this happens. fuck you and your irreppresible sexual urges.

3.5.09

Dearest


I want to hold everyone I love and have ever loved, keep them wrapped up in this cocoon of hope so that none of them will ever change. No one will grow old, no one will fall sick. Everyone will be happy, we will all laugh and cry together. I don't want to die alone. I don't want anyone to die, alone or otherwise. I am scared of losing everything, and I keep on crying because I know I will never get this moment back, or the next, and on it goes. I am ephemeral, my love is ephemeral, my world is ephemeral. I wish I knew the right words to say how much I want
this to last. My world my world, it keeps on collapsing. Someone somewhere leaves. Things break, memories are lost in the tide. I keep dreaming about everything disappearing all at once, and maybe it would be better this way. Then I wouldn't have to start all over again. Healing and falling apart.

Make me feel. Tell me what to think. Help me understand that we're all ghosts, some of us with harder shells than others. Break me open and show me that nothing lasts, but that there is a place to go when everything has evaporated. Let me know that at the end of the day, someone will be there holding my hand, and it will be fine. Guide me teach me hold me love me. We are love, we have so much love inside of us that we will die without someone to give it to. I love you, I love you all with not just my heart but my eyes and my lips and my hands and my tears and everything. Take everything. But give me back my faith, let me have one thing I can believe in.


I cling. I cling. I cling.




2.5.09

Honest Man


I have this sneaking suspicion that I used to be funnier. Not that I was ever funny in the first place, mind you, but I do remember more laughing with me than at me in those days. I wonder...


So I've been spending the week laughing at the most inane things ever. During band practice, Smiles decided it'd be funny to shout out words like "handsome" and "sexy" to see who responded. So every time he yelled "hey there gorgeous", some sad case would turn, either surreptitiously or with total confidence, and gawk at him expecting to be acknowledged. It was hilarious, MM and I cried buckets at the boy who responded to Smiles' shouting every single time while pretending to be stretching and massaging his neck.

Also, my brother X decided to torture his Physics teacher by asking him dumb yet innocent questions, one of which it turns out, wasn't so innocent at all.

If you're underage or a bit iffy about lewd jokes, you might not want to read this. That's fair warning.


Sir, is Mercury hotter than Venus?
No X, it is not. Venus is hotter.
Is Jupiter the largest planet? Is it larger than Saturn?
Yes X, it's the largest planet. It's most definitely larger than Saturn.
Sir, sir?
Yes, what is it now X?
Is the Sun a star? Really?
Yes X, it's a star! Really! (he was a bit fed-up at this point)
Sir?
What?!
Is Uranus bigger than Earth?
OBVIOUSLY! OBVIOUSLY IT IS, X!

Hahaha I spit out my drink when he told this to me. I sometimes think we're both the same age mentally. That's 3, in case you didn't know.