30.4.09

View of A Burning City


the truth is that we're both two scared and lonely people who pretend not to need anyone but secretly cling to remnants of lives we once led. the difference is that you'll never change, because i think you'll never find that person worth changing for. still.

she's beautiful, she's elusive. she drives fast and burns all your cigarettes before you can smoke them. sometimes she sings you to sleep, and her voice is honey and silk so you've never been able to stay awake. every thursday, she washes your hair for you, and does the laundry (separating the darks from the lights). midnights, she kisses you on torn sheets of chemistry formulas, then helps you with your math. you groan when she throws out all those frozen dinners and cheap tinned food, but deep inside, you're in love with her brown rice sushi. when it's cold outside, she reads to you from her favourite tolstoy book, and you have faith all over again.

she's there and she's not. she's imperfect yet perfect, for you. you know you've found her when you fit each other perfectly, when her body molds into yours. oh baby with the dark dark eyes, i hope you find her soon. i hope you love her so much that she'll never get out of bed one day and put on her shoes and walk away and never come back. i hope you love her more than you ever loved me. i hope you love her more than i ever loved you.

28.4.09

You Came Out Of Nowhere


New dress today if all goes well! Look at me being so excited over a 'piece of fabric', as Y would put it. It's probably going to be an impulse purchase whoo! I'm such a thrill seeker. So they (the girls) were right, you can sum me up in three words.

Emotional. Indulgent. Lovable.

Hahaha I think they put that last one in to appease me, because I heard NI say childish behind my back. Well I never...

27.4.09

Queen Cotton


The mother returned from her trip bearing gifts, one of which being this blemish correcting emulsion. She says it's disgustingly expensive, and this means I must not waste it. I'm slightly offended at the fact that she bought me something that screams 'reduce spots and blackheads' instead of the snacks I asked for. This must be her way of pointing out the huge stress pimple on my chin (exams!) and the uneven skin tone due to countless sleepless nights. My skin isn't that bad.

Crafty, yet effective. I'm going to slather this stuff on. It had better work, or else we're flying back to get a refund.

But I must reiterate that I have pretty good skin. It's just messed up because I'm not getting enough sleep and stressing too much about exams and university applications. What should I study? Where should I go? When will I get my formal dress?

25.4.09

Ribbons On Bottle Necks


Happy Birthday Mother!


you're probably eating cake right now and laughing at stupid jokes, most of them your own. i am still wondering why you chose to celebrate your birthday away from us, all the way in another country (we're the best presents you can find ok!) but i hope this one turns out to be the best you've ever had.

i owe you one big hug and some dollar bills hee (i spent too much on shampoo). cupcakes when you get back!

23.4.09

We Need Help


I know I said I was going to be happier, but it's been two weeks and I'm still bursting into tears over the smallest matters. Sometimes it's a photograph I thought I'd lost, or a scoop of strawberry ice cream that melted too quickly. Today I tried on six dresses for graduation, and none of them fit right. Instead of sighing it off as I'd normally do, I sat down in the dressing room and started having a panic attack.

I think I will stick to an old dress if this goes on. At least I will be more comfortable in that than in a new dress that looks like a sack and is too short. Honestly, not all of us fill out a B cup and are 5"3 in height. Tall girls with no boobs need clothes too.

Bleh, I am going to start focusing on the positives instead of everything that goes wrong. First step - saying hi to everyone instead of speeding past them with my head down. I'm always afraid they'll think I'm not worth greeting, but I should at least give it a try first.

So the first two good things I am thankful for are the giant bar of chocolate sitting on the dining table (unwrapped!) and Estee Lauder's Pleasures. I love how it smells but I'm saving it for special occasions only. Fingers crossed I can keep that up.

18.4.09

Mime Van Osen


you will be safe
you will be asleep
someone will have their hand running through your hair
the world is full of images
some of them will be transparent
ghosts, they're only catching bigger things
you will be safe in the dark
you will be warm at night with the windows open
you will be loved, you'll remember


hearts and drums - rachel's



i want to be loved, but i cannot love in return. i am tired of falling in love, i am tired of handing out shreds of my heart to people who don't really want them.

17.4.09

Epidermal Abrasion


The parents took me grocery shopping today and I have come to the conclusion that I never want to grow up. I made this resolution when I saw that the bill came to a grand total of $730. Why?! And this is just for this month. Ahhhh all that money could've been spent on better things (clothes! books! an iPhone!). Is food today made out of gold and diamonds?! Why is it so expensive?! See, my college fund is going towards our grocery bill. Thank God I got a full scholarship =( booo...

That's it, I'm starving myself next month. Someone in this family has to put their foot down. We should start skipping dinner or something (but I like my ramen!!!). Sigh... the decisions you have to make when you're an adult.

15.4.09

Verisimilitude



ver·i·si·mil·i·tude (věr'ə-sĭ-mĭl'ĭ-tōōd', -tyōōd')
n.
  1. The quality of appearing to be true or real.
  2. Something that has the appearance of being true or real.

do you remember when i first realized you weren't the other boy? that i once used to think you were someone else, because you looked so alike. but then when you spoke to me, i wondered how i had ever mistaken you for him. you were perfect, he wasn't. in the fourteen months that we have known each other, i have scattered slivers of my heart in myriad places with you, for you. that empty hall with the curtains, the hidden uphill road, the backseat of that old car. i think a good portion of it lies in the cold chemistry labs, where i dyed my fingers yellow and your coat blue.

how did you think it made me feel, watching you smile for someone who wasn't me? biting back words when someone told me 'it's so great that the three of you can still be friends'. why? don't they know that i would never have said yes to anything, the dinners the movies the walks in the torn down park, if i had understood what it all meant? three is a crowd, three is a lonely number, because out of three comes two and one. you cannot imagine my humiliation and silent agony when you chose her. so that we would always, always remain three. you won't ever understand, because you're never alone. the truth is, i sometimes think that you picked her to show me what i'm missing out on. what i gave up when i gave you up. and now i'm stuck here in the middle, with all your sexual tension and faulty words. yet i'm looking in from the outside, the one taking the picture that you're both in.

i want to tell you, fate brought us together for a reason, and that reason is something i don't know yet. so it must mean something too, the fact that we're still here, pretending to care about one another and sharing that common bond. it's your fault the words just won't come out right. i found that sandwich wrapper you wrote my fortune on, it says "you will be loved. you will be happy." right under the faded 'veggie special'. does it still mean something? amidst the puddles and the mix tapes, does your heart still skip that one beat with mine?

and to think, this is all because that in that one photograph, the light was reminiscent of sunset, and for a moment i was the girl you had your arm around. do i dream? should i dream?

2B or Not HB


My handwriting was quite tiny (even more so than normal) during exam week because stress does that to me. I have no idea why. I'm looking forward to my Chemistry teacher's comments, she tells me something new about my handwriting every single exam I take.

...

umm ma'am, you didn't give me any marks for this answer
"Oh there's an answer there?! I thought you'd left the question blank. Ohohoho you should write bigger the next time."


".... and shall we give props to D, who managed to smuggle a typewriter into the exam hall to type out all her answers? I mean, look at the print. Helvetica, font size 8."


"D, do you think I examine all your papers under a microscope?"


"D, I can't believe I would have to say this to anyone, but could you mess up your handwriting a little? And enlarge it?"


"No using black ink for this exam D. Your writing looks like part of the question every time. For God's sake, have pity on me."


"Trying to conserve the environment all by yourself, D?"
i'm sorry?
"Well why else would you have such small handwriting? To not waste paper, obviously. Less cutting down of trees and all that rubbish."

...

I should be happy that she has a great a sense of humour. I mean, it isn't every lecturer who whips out a magnifying glass in front of the whole class while pretending to examine your answer booklet.

14.4.09

Cornflakes


This is not a pre-written and scheduled post. I just felt like blogging this, I have no idea why. Maybe to serve as a reminder to myself to always always be careful when on the road, even when I'm not the one driving.

The mother, brother and I were in a car accident today. Not sure whether or not the insurance company will pay for the damages, but the father was just thankful that we're ok. Especially after seeing the other car (it was totaled hahaha serves him right for swerving into us). God, some asses think they own the roads, the way they drive without giving signals and cutting off other cars. We had to lodge a police report so hopefully it goes well. The father wants to buy a new car tomorrow since this one is going to be spending a lot of a time in the workshop. What a waste! He should give me that money to buy clothes instead hahaha.


And after the accident, we got out of the car and I was a bit dazed because I'd smacked my head into the driver's seat from behind (they should have a seatbelt for the face). So the mother went over to the other guy to make sure he was alright, and he was busy ringing up his friends who lived nearby. The mother asked if we should lodge a report but he insisted we wait for them to arrive, cause he needed a lift (his car was destroyed, it wouldn't start at all). When they got there, one of them headed straight for me (I thought it was prolly because he assumed I'd been driving, since student drivers are notorious there for causing accidents) so the brother stepped in between. He gave us all this creepy look and started yelling in this "trying to pick a fight" tone of voice. Bastard. The brother said he only went for me because I was the smallest there, so he must've thought he could intimidate me. What a douchebag, I mean c'mon, pick on someone your own size.

The police station smelled like stale cigarette smoke and wet dog, I actually doused the room with my DKNY perfume. It was that bad, and I wasn't going to sit there for three hours holding my breath. Some of the policemen were downright rude and unhelpful to the mother, and I was very upset. The friend of the other driver was there, and he kept shooting us dirty looks. If the mother hadn't been there, I would have given him the finger. Both hands.

Funny story though - one of the officers in charge asked if the brother could drive (me home later), so I told him the brother was 15 and didn't have a license, but that I did. The disbelief on his face was priceless. Everyone thinks that the brother is a) older than I am and b) the wilder one. Hahahaha when we last went to a higher education fair, every booth threw flyers and pamphlets at him, trying to get him to listen to why he should go to their college. No one even paid any attention to me, except this one sexist pig who told me I should sign up for nursing. When I asked him why I should become a nurse instead of a doctor, he said I looked like the sweet gentle female type. OMG what the hell that didn't even make sense.

But I digress. The whole traumatic experience (car accident, not the other rubbish) was sobering and it taught me a few things. A big car is safer than a small car, cause ours got off light. You should always wear your seatbelt. The police can be idiots. Idiots can drive cars (but not very well). Pizza solves all problems. Especially when it's got extra cheese mmm...

Though I'm quite scared to drive on my own now. Not that I did before, having only driven the father's car twice after getting my license. Usually the mother drives me to college and anywhere else I need to go. If I want to go somewhere for lunch or shopping while I'm still in college, we take the free bus or EmLiz drives me there. No one seems to trust me with a car, and I'm honestly really really grateful for that.

13.4.09

Planes, Trains, And Far Aways


there are many things i do
so
i won't think of you
like falling asleep in the afternoons

because that sleep is the dreamless kind

and anytime your face isn't in my mind

is a good time

watch the scariest movies i can find
i figure if i'm too busy being scared

i can forget about your hands
wrapped around mine

and that you once cared



you saw this when i had to submit something for creative writing. i bet you thought it was about you. well it isn't. mostly. i don't always sleep in the afternoon, and when i do, i still dream.



11.4.09

Show Your Heart


You know, I don't normally like tags, but this one is from MM. I love MM, and this tag is pretty cute. So here it is as a filler post.

...

With as much creativity as you can muster, show your heart in:

1 picture
1 poem
1 song or piece of music
1 phrase or quote
1 item of clothing
1 place
1 Disney princess

...

1 picture:


...

1 poem:

it's not really a poem, but i wrote it for you on my birthday last year
so it means a lot to me, i think

25.07.08

i don't smoke
i've never held a cigarette in my life
but you do these things to me
that make me sit under neon lights
on dirt encrusted steps in dingy hallways
while you take drags on nicotine sticks
and breathe smoke into the air
it curls around my hair, my
neck, tendrils of grey and white
as i try not to breathe in
it's hard to wash the smell off
just like your scent always lingers on me
but night after night
i watch you inhale deeply
and i wish i was worth
giving it up for

...

1 song:

cargo ships move by
tracing on the horizon line
there's a luster from the city lights
on the waves that kiss our feet
and we're thinking of going in
the time's getting thin

this is a city for not sleeping
and the clocks are set by feel
at this moment from where I sit
none of it seems real

pachuca sunrise by minus the bear

...

1 phrase or quote:

it's never enough

...

1 item of clothing:

sunshine dress

...

1 place:

anywhere, as long as i'm with the people i love

...

1 Disney Princess:

no, disney princesses can't do anything right for themselves
it's always this 'i need a man' bullshit
screw that, i pick mulan
even if she isn't a princess

...


I'm not tagging anyone, but you can do this if you like.

10.4.09

Glitter And Scribbles


When I was about eight, my father bought me and my brother a set of Caran d'Ache coloured pens each. I used those pens for everything - drawing pretty pictures, writing my name on walls, scribbling hearts and stars across everyone's arms - until the ink in them dried up. Even then I refused to throw them away.

Yesterday, I had to empty them into a plastic bin bag, because my desk drawers were too full of stationery. It felt as if I was giving up on an old friend, since I'd had them for years and years. I really really hate letting go of my childhood mementoes, even if they are of no use to me anymore.

Maybe it's time I bought myself a new set.




9.4.09

Water Bottled


Since I'm taking two weeks or so off for myself, pre-typed scheduled posts will come up from time to time. Like this one.


So I got the tiny clutch I wanted for graduation and I'm feeling the beginning of that irritating affliction - buyer's remorse. No, the clutch is beautiful and all, but the price... a hundred for something the size of my palm has me biting down on my bottom lip whenever I look at it. I'm trying to save money here, but it's not working.

Ahhh at least it's gorgeous and it makes me happy. Also, it will work with whichever dress I decide to buy/wear/steal. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, ok?

Oh, the father got me the Guess by Marciano perfume (among others), which isn't something I would normally buy for myself but oh well, it smells nice. The brother likes it, and he's picky so fingers crossed this is a good thing. I'm going to wait until I run out of my Ralph Lauren and DKNY before using it on a daily basis though. Which might take a while because my bottle of Romance is huge (to me).

4.4.09

Upheaval


I'm not in the best mood these days and it's pretty obvious why. MetalBoy sat me down on Thursday and explained that I need to wait it out. I guess this means two weeks away. From him, from here and from everything.

I love you MetalBoy for always putting up with me even when I'm not being myself. I love you Y for pouring water down my neck and waiting with me in dark classrooms. I love you VS for bitching about Grey's Anatomy and making me laugh. I love you BB for always writing, always. I love you MM for the music and singing. I love you Smiles, because you never ever ever fail to make me laugh. I love everyone who cares and everyone who doesn't.

Two weeks everyone, I promise. I might not be happy, but I'm sure I'll be happier. Two weeks fourteen days three hundred and thirty six hours twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes a million two hundred and nine thousand six hundred seconds of happier.