Light Surrounding You

sometimes, when everything has been said and done, i find myself looking through the wreckage and discovering pieces that were there before, but I was just too blind to see them in the first place. after the day everything ended, i read our old letters and i realize that the signs had always been there, the words full of emptiness (always these paradoxes) and the diminishing will to keep on writing. should I have noticed before, how our ritual ten pages dwindled down to five, then two? until finally, crossed out lines of apologies were all that were left of our promises.

it is apparent in past pictures - the way your body is angled ever so slightly towards mine, how a hidden smile lurks in the corners of eyes - that we have lost the intensity we once had. physical proximity be damned, we cannot even string together six words to say to each other. hello, how have you been? is all we have to offer after months of unending chatter. what did we talk about all those times? my mind is now a black hole that pulls apart everything i need to remember about you.

everyone talks about having their crying on the floor moment, so i think there must be something wrong with me, because i cannot recall lying on the ground and breaking down completely. i've wept for you in empty backseats, in cold movie theaters, in the cups of my hands where my tears pooled. but never on the floor. do i need that one moment, the utterly defeated moment in which all the walls i've put up collapse, to forget you?

two weeks ago, you called me, drunk and alone. not the literal alone, because i could hear conversation in the background, but the figurative alone. the kind of alone that keeps you awake at night, wondering if you would ever find the right words to say to the right person. and all i wanted to do was cry, because i hate it. i hate it when you smoke, you had your cigarettes and your cigarette buddies with you at lunch the other day and it was all i could do to stop myself from ripping everything apart when you asked if i would stay for a while. i hate it when you drink, when you say alcohol makes everything better because it does not. it makes you forget for a night, and then you hit rock bottom, so you dive into your jack daniels and marlboros to forget again. i hate it when you lie to me and tell me you're self medicating, but that you're not addicted to it. i hate it when you're addicted to anything but me.

i hate it when you hurt yourself, because it hurts me too. you always tell me to leave, but you don't realize that you've always pulled me back in with you. time and time again you reach out for me, telling me you need me just to catch your breath. there was this one afternoon i thought i could let go, and i was eating strawberry ice cream from the tub and i was laughing. but you put your arms around me and told me how it was over, and you would change, you promised you would. i remember the ice cream slowly melting and dripping on my blue dress, while i bit down on a metal spoon, trying not to scream.

did we make the right decision for ourselves, you and i? should we have pushed aside all our grievances and mistakes to start all over again? this is happy the way we want it, the way we need it to be. my heart's an open letter, i don't know how to end anything, everything. if you ever find the right words for the right girl someday, all you have to do is tell me and i'll write them here, for us. you. you. you.


Bodies Break

i listened to azure ray today and
cried at the line 'someone else's boy'
which you are
someone else's boy
i have borrowed you
signed a contract and everything
and still
i will never have you
you will never be mine to keep



We ate lemon drops in the rain while singing along to Simon and Garfunkel. Do you think that it was our rendition of Bridge Over Troubled Water that caused the light drizzle to turn into a massive thunderstorm?

On a separate note, NI now knows that I'm ticklish only in my ear lobes. Well... This could pose a further problem. No seriously, my laughing got the whole class to stop what they were doing and start imitating me.

omgomg stop hahahahaha stop hahahaha stop stop! my ear heeeeee!

Also, I lost my eyeliner pencil today, and I feel quite naked without it. It's the only form of makeup I wear. Boo.


Owing To

Tagged by MmeDolphin

A is for age: 18

B is for booze of choice: don't drink, i'm a boring person

C is for career: wasting time and money

D is for your last dentist appointment: long overdue, should've been in january. oops

E is for essential items you use everyday: i like taking naps so i'm going to say my bed

F is for favorite song at the moment: air - cemetary party

G is for favorite games: nancy drew games (!), random downloadable games - chocolatier and stuff, almost anything really that isn't too violent or stupid

H is for hometown: bsb

I is for instruments you play: piano, violin, conga

J is for Jam flavor on your PBJ: hate jam with peanut butter, but marmalade on its own is win!

K is for kids you last saw: some baby in a stroller that waved at me awww

L is for last kiss: ahh too many details

M is for fondest memory: sitting in my room listening to sarah brightman and reading diana wynne jones

N is for name of your crush: SM hahahahaha actually no, i don't have a crush now. maybe ben whishaw(!!!)

O is for overnight hospital stays: when i was dehydrated!

P is for phobias: death, heights, small spaces, water!, stairs

Q is for favorite Quote: 'memento mori'. ok maybe not but i love the series of unfortunate events books and i can't think of anything better right now

R is for biggest regrets: sigh it would take forever to list them down

S is for status: verrr sleepy

T is for time you wake up: 7 in the morning

U is for underwear type: mini shorts or something like that

V is for vegetable you love: the potato, it is a vegetable right? if not, i choose the carrot

W is for worst habit: procrastinating and talking too much when i'm nervous

X is for x-rays you’ve had: 3 i think, twice during general checkups and once for my back

Y is for yummy food you make: everything i make is yummy hahaha

Z is for last Zoo visited: omg can't remember, sorry


A Very Good Thing

Today, it was pointed out to me that I seem to be dislocating my neck every time I play the piano. I take it headbanging to Bach is unusual to some people?

Anyway, this is taking up most of my free time in my attempt to perfect it. Darn you Bach. Darn you Glenn Gould.

But seriously, a little help from up there? Please? Maybe on the trills?


The Tale of Desperation

Backdated post from Friday the 13th, March.

I always believe that Friday the 13s are lucky for me. Maybe it's because 13 is my lucky number. Maybe it's because Friday is the last day of the school week. Maybe it's because I'm just happier when I'm going against superstition (I'm a rebel!). I can't tell.

Anyway, I went shopping today, so it was a good day. Tradition maintained!

Also, I learned to stop talking after numerous incidents regarding the same matter - breakups. Let's take a moment to reflect on these conversations, shall we?

"Hey, d'you wanna go out with me?"
haha omg what?
"You know, like on a date or something?"
haha why? did your girlfriend dump you? haha.
"Actually, I broke it off with her."

*awkward silence*

"So, I was saying..."
look! a butterfly (or some other random thing that I happened to see and use as a pathetic attempt to divert attention away from myself) let's catch it!

*runs after butterfly*

And there was also that time last week...

"My artwork rocks. This is you drinking iced tea and annoying me with your customary peace sign."
hahaha omg are you serious? do i really look like that?
"Yeah, see the long wavy hair and short shorts?"
well ok, i guess it does look kinda like me. oh wait wait, what is that heart shape doing floating over my head?!
"Umm... well..."
hahahahahaha don't you already have a girlfriend?
"I did, until two weeks ago."

*another round of awkward silence*

i like the shoes i'm wearing in that sketch *cue forced smiley face*

If I had just have kept my mouth shut, I'm sure more than half of the weird situations I've been in could have been avoided.



Fat Pig chocolate, via Lovely Package(!!!)

How cute is this? It's making me feel like having a nice chunk of chocolate, but unfortunately, I seem to have run out of the good stuff. Darn it. Grrr I need chocolate.



There is someone I love dearly, because he is good and kind. He is the boy who ran to get me band-aids when I cut my foot. He is the boy who walks me back from shopping. He is the boy who goes up six flights of stairs to get my books so I won't have to. He is the boy who eats all my lemon drops but pretends he didn't. He is the boy who gives up sleep and revision to keep me company. He is the boy who laughs at my lame jokes. He is the boy who cannot shut up in cinemas. He is the boy who hogs all the leg room wherever we're sitting. He is the boy who pulls my hair when it's in pigtails. He is the boy who tells me to cry if I need to, and shuts the door so no one else sees.

He never believes me when I tell him this, but he is wonderful in so many ways, and I hope he knows it.


I Know You Are But What Am I

VY wondered out loud while we were Skype-ing what 'barley for brains' meant, or where I'd even heard it. Well loves, I have no idea really. It's just something left over from a conversation that went something like this.

"... but I don't try to hurt you."
"In fact, I go out of my way to make you happy."

you're lying
you're always lying

"I don't get it, why is it that when we're alone, you act like this?"

i guess it's being with you that makes me this way
it's like i've got barley for brains or something
i'm stupid
i know

"I'm so bad for you."

i know

I told VY this, and he said it made him sad that I was clinging on to a scrap of my previous life this way. That I couldn't make myself forget. And I laughed and pointed out that one year ago does not a previous life make. Besides, it wasn't all grief and tears. I was happy most of the time. I just write about the sad parts so I can shake them off from my thoughts. Then I can sift through the memories that make me laugh.


Held Up

When I say no, I really do mean no. No to going clubbing/partying/for dinner with you. No to going out with you and your friends. No to hanging out with you. No to doing anything with you that involves your friends and the both of us. No to doing anything with just you. No to you. No no no.

Asking me the same question every ten minutes for weeks does not make me feel flattered. Insinuating I'm playing hard to get is asking for trouble.

I am so unamused right now, I just want to punch you in the face as hard as I can. And we both know I am the least violent person you've ever met. Ugh.


As Much As I Ever Could

he is eighteen and i am seventeen
of course i wonder what he sees in me
but i can tell you what i see in him

he has huge dark eyes
the colour of the ink he uses
when he draws an armadillo beside my name
i pretend to be upset every time
but we both know armadillos
are now my favourite animal

his hair is dark too
not as dark as his eyes of course
and i want to run my fingers through it
i imagine it will be soft and smell like rain
because he gets wet in it all the time
actually it smells of cigarettes and ashes
i guess the rain doesn't wash everything clean
but his hair is soft anyway

oh oh and his fingers are long
even longer than mine
which is to be expected
since he's a whole four inches taller
his skin is like mine almost
but his is washed out
he shouldn't smoke so much

and there are the little things as well
the way he scrunches up his nose
when i'm drinking sweet drinks
(i'm told i do the same when he smokes)
how he rolls his eyes at my sketches
but understands them when no one else does
mixing up my microscope slides
so i find a piece of heart
instead of a slice of brain

sometimes he sings to me
usually about torn skin and cold beds
and i hum along
because i don't know the words

i do now

i shall have to ask him one day
what did he see in me?


Kipling (Rudyard)

Since the graduation ball is two months or so away, I've compiled a list of necessities to purchase in order to create the perfect night to end my life in college.

Two dresses. One should be quite modest and austere, but not too much. Possibly black. I'm going to wear this one up on stage to receive my scroll/certificate/empty toilet roll wrapped in pretty paper. The second is probably going to be some floor length thing, because the rules said black tie. I'm wondering if I should sneak another in, something more cocktail partyish. A long dress is a safety hazard, I could trip over the hem and break my neck. No, this is not an excuse to show off my legs.

Three pairs of shoes. The first pair goes with the somber dress, so it'll have to be just as boring. Brogues, but brogues aren't boring. I think brogues are a smart idea actually, they'll impress the old prunes watching, but they look good. At least I think they look good. I'll also need some heels (enemy!) since it will be a formal ball. Obviously no one realizes that walking is impossible in these torture devices, but oh well. Lastly, a pair of comfy flats, also to be smuggled in, so I can slip into them for the dancing and general hooliganism to be had. Hurrah!

Sorry, I've been reading too much of the Mallory Towers series. I'm starting to say things like 'hurrah' and 'jolly good'. And 'wizard'! This makes me sound like my cousin's girlfriend (DNW!) but how nice it is to speak like a total 'fruitcake' for a change. Joke, joke. If you don't get it, I normally use giggles and random hand motions in place of words in my daily conversation. Anything involving proper enunciation is good in my book. OMG I am not making sense, am I? Moving on back towards the list.

Shoes. Oh wait, that's been done. Clutches! I saw this darling little heart shaped purse in a store earlier this week, but it was too expensive. In my opinion, any way. Alright, maybe it's not that costly, but I'm in a miserly mood. It's the recession. So as I was saying, I think one practical clutch should do for the formal ceremony, but I'm getting some kind of tiny sling for the ball so I can keep an eye on my stuff while dancing. I've lost my whole bag before, so I'm paranoid.

Accessories are unpredictable though. I might want something understated, or I might want to go all out (bling ugh). I'll probably end up wearing something I already own. I don't do earrings, so I'm going to make up for it with rings! Huge chunky stones and delicate pieces, anything goes. And some kind of long silver chain with feathers haha. Right.

Ok, I've been rambling for too long now and I've completely forgot to cook dinner. I can't be bothered to make something complicated so it's going to be pasta with mushroom sauce. It's pasta in the shape of Scooby Doo characters so it'll be awesome though! My favourite character was always Shaggy, who's such a lovable hippy stoner. The brother's is Scooby, because he's not a people person and thus prefers dogs. Yum.


Promise To The Refrigerator

When I was younger, I believed that toys could come to life. The consequences of one too many Enid Blyton stories, I suppose. Still, it is amusing to recall how I would spring out of bed in the middle of the night and stare at my stuffed animals, expecting to catch them walking around or something.

In the same vein, I also believed in unicorns and fairies, though strangely, not the Easter Bunny. I used to be terrified of mascots, and once ran away from the Looney Tunes characters after the parents tried to take one of Daffy and I together. Good times, good times.

I started out blogging for myself, just to keep a condensed version of my journal here. Only BB, VY, TS and the brother know about it. VY only reads it occasionally, just to make sure I'm not dead if I don't call him for some time, and the brother doesn't give a damn about reading anyone's blog. BB has her own blog, but neither of us leaves comments on the other person's because we have made a deal to talk about it face to face, or at least over the telephone. Still, there are some things that I'm hesitant to blog about just because I know she'll be reading, so maybe I should make this blog totally private? Or just get another blog in secret?

Oh, and I promise to try and update as much as I can. I've been very busy for a long time now, and I'm thinking of quitting this musical program I'm in so I can relax. I'm sick and tired of all the stress and drama it creates, so I'm really considering dropping out. Ahh...