31.12.09

Good Times Gonna Come

 

rc7al3

so the new year is only two hours away, and i couldn’t be more apprehensive. it is a shiny calendar of white squares, ready to be pencilled in with importants and don’t forgets and happy birthdays, a symbolic rebirth of a generation (according to RJ), and a reminder that i am getting older. we all are. some of us are just less enthusiastic about it. like me, in case you missed it. since i’m so subtle and all.

but negativity aside, i am glad that 2009 is almost over. it was a difficult year so i’m trying to put it behind me and move on, which i’m sure 2010 will help with. my dad bought me a jade pendant for good luck, and i’ll be putting it on at the stroke of midnight. i just thought it’d be a nice way to start off the new year. i was going to wear the green dress i got two weeks ago but i thought it’d be overkill. i think i haven’t dressed up in so long that i’m grabbing at every tiny opportunity to do so. i am going to wash my hair in a while though, to look good under the glow of the fireworks hahahahaha. no, seriously.

oh, i forgot about resolutions. i make these promises to myself every year and only keep two of them on average. yeah. i am brilliant, obviously. but this is going to be different [holds head high while inspirational music plays]. ok so maybe not, but the most important thing is to always be happy. that’s my resolution for this year. everyone should be happy. happy happy happy! although if your idea of happiness involves self mutilation, world destruction or anything along the lines of making someone else suffer, then i’m not talking to/about you.

in case you’re wondering, i plan to usher in 2010 by playing mystery case files: dire grove on the pc while watching the fireworks display from my apartment window. i decided not to go up to lookout point with the 11s so i could spend a bit more quality time with my family before i leave for university. that and the fact that my dad doesn’t trust GV’s driving, so he told me not to go if i valued my life. it’s been thunderstorming a lot recently and they are driving up a goddamn mountain so i got what he was trying to say.

here is part of my new year’s eve playlist. i’ve been listening to jose gonzalez’s heartbeats on repeat lately. i used to think it was quite boring but now i find it so sweet and charming. and i know everyone is raving about phoenix’s lisztomania, but i much prefer countdown. which is such a perfect song for the actual new year’s countdown. how about that eh? also, i’m not sure if you’re someone who enjoys really loud headboppy music, but you love her coz she’s dead is brilliant for when you just want to dance around in your room while no one is watching. i recommend bloodlust and superheroes. my brother says it’s pokemon on acid because of the beeps and boops in the background. i think they call it 8-bit, it’s got a lot of sounds that feel very videogamey. yeah. that’s a real word.

happy new year everyone! i hope it brings you much happiness and joy and wonderfulness! i love all of you!

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23.12.09

Superheroes!

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new layout! i just wanted something happy and simple [and childish, as RJ would say] so this is the end result. since i’m terrible when it comes to html and stuff, i’m always a bit jealous of people who manage to tweak their blogs into pretty works of art, like fact not fiction. the gods of talent have forsaken me once again.

so christmas is almost here and i’m quite excited because i love seeing the fairy lights go up everywhere and hearing happy happy songs instead of rubbish like the jonas brothers and justin bieber. sad story, i thought justin bieber was a girl when ‘one time’ first popped up on the radio. i do think he’s super cute in the awwww i want to pinch those cheeks way, but that’s the only thing he’s got going for him. anyway, like i was saying before i digressed, i love christmas songs! my favourites are hark the herald angels sing, ave maria and the first noel! it’s really fun to sing along while you’re shopping. i was choosing books the other day and 12 days of christmas started playing in the background. this little boy and i were the only ones humming along. where is everyone else’s christmas spirit?!

oh, and if anyone wants to get me a christmas gift, i’d like these please.

 

1894_09 super pretty crayons!

 

il_430xN.110884206 i love the anne of green gables series so this diary is wonderful!

 

skirt!!!this might just be the skirt of my dreams. sequins and shiny things in general make me happy!

 

that is all. have a holly jolly christmas and [in case i don’t blog by then] a very happy new year! i hope 2010 is loads better than 2009 was. i’m going to start writing down my resolutions while i’m still in the mood. enjoy the rest of the year while it lasts everyone!

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11.12.09

Me Versus You

 .
so my mother got sick of watching me imitate a corpse on the couch and decided to bring me shopping. scratch that, she forced me into my jacket and dragged me into the car while i was half asleep.

i should thank her though because i ended up buying three pairs of shoes today [cue huge excited eyes], one of them being a pair of heels! not the sexy stiletto kind. they’re oxford heels.


this is the best picture i could find that most resembled the ones i bought. except mine are cut lower in the front [more toe cleavage. i hate that phrase] and aren’t as dark.

since i’m a sucker for punishment, i tried on a pair of 4 inch pumps in one of the shoe stores. well actually the store didn’t seem to have anything with a lower heel, but i thought i’d be fine. huge mistake. i swayed violently and nearly fell into a display cabinet even though all i hadn’t even taken one step. that’s right, i couldn’t even stand in them. the saleslady was nice enough to offer some assistance while some random woman hovered nearby and made snarky comments about me to her daughter.



…………

saleslady: perhaps a smaller size? are your feet sliding in place?

me: no. these fit fine. i just can’t stand in them. [laughs nervously]

random woman: [stage whispering] why would she want to wear heels if she can’t even stand in them? she’s waiting to break an ankle.

saleslady: perhaps different shoes? these are more comfortable [gestures to a hideous pair the colour of ceiling mold] and i think the heel height isn’t as bad.

me: umm no. anyway, i’m looking for something less casual. i need to wear these for an internship.

random woman: anyway, it’s not like she needs heels. she’s tall enough. girls these days just want to look sexy for their men. she won’t look so sexy when she falls down. you are lucky that you know how to walk in heels.



…………



umm… if i don’t buy a pair, how will i learn to walk in them? and didn’t i say that they were for an internship? i’m not looking for “come fck me” heels, as some women call them. i hate it when people assume that the only reason i do certain things is to look good for my boyfriend. or guys in general. it seems to happen a lot though.



…………

hey D, you cut your hair!

yeah! what do you think?

it looks good. the boy likes it better at shoulder length, does he?

huh? i…

that’s why you cut your hair, right?



or



is that jason mraz?! i love his songs! especially details in the fabric and bella luna!

oh, doesn’t the boy like those songs too? no wonder they’re your favourites.

At wits end

…………



my existence is not defined by my significant other, and neither are my choices. is it so weird to want to look good for yourself? RJ hates the colour pink on girls, and he told me so the first time we met. does that mean i gave up wearing it? no, it’s my favourite colour. besides, i cannot afford to buy a whole new wardrobe every time someone makes a disparaging comment. this applies to everything else in life. i am only open to change when it betters me for me. if you tell me i stink cause i haven’t had a bath [this is just an example, i smell nice on a daily basis. really. Batting Eyelashes], i won’t mind, and i’ll probably run off to the showers in shame. however, if you tell me you hate my perfume because you don’t like the smell of strawberries, you’re insane if you think i am going to stop wearing it. granted, i’ll try not to put it on when i know you’ll be around, but i am not throwing it out. neither am i going to seek your approval the next time i buy a fragrance.

yeah. that was a longer entry than i expected. i should probably end this here now. have a nice day!

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8.12.09

Lay Back And Shoot Stars

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i have another blog, one that’s just for family and friends to keep track of my life. my brother tagged me to reveal 8 things about myself there that not many people know, so i thought i’d post something like that here as well. since i haven’t been very inspired by anything else lately and all. heh.

 

so here are 8 random facts about me!

 

1. my second toe is slightly longer than my big toe. on both feet. apparently this means i’ll be the domineering one in my marriage. hahaha really? i don’t know if that’s a good thing, cause i’m more of a follower when it comes to my friends.

2. when i’m stressed, i like to blow bubbles out my window, and pretend that all my troubles are little people sitting on each bubble, floating away into nothingness.

3. my favourite animals are foxes, kiwis, and jellyfish.

4. i only have two moles [or beauty marks/spots, whatever you want to call them] on my face,and they’re both under my left eye, exactly like this.

 

mr. narumi from alice academy

 

except that the top one is just as small as the bottom one. my brother used to watch this anime and when he realized this similarity, he said he understood why i acted like a real cartoon character sometimes. mean.

5. my favourite section at the bookstore is the children’s section, especially the shelves with fairy books and nancy drews.

6. it’s safe to say none of you have ever seen my handwriting, but everyone who has says it’s wonderfully neat and tiny. personally, i don’t think there’s anything super nice about my handwriting. to give you a rough idea though, it is the same size as this type [maybe slightly smaller], and i write in print, not cursive. this saddens me, because i think cursive handwriting is beautiful. plus, my second grade english teacher used to say that print is for little kids and cursive is for adults. Sadmaybe one day i’ll show you a sample of it.

7. i am terrible at gambling, especially when i’m high, because then i’ll blow every bit of money i have recklessly. i am however, good at the card game bullshite. it is all the more remarkable when you take into account the fact that i never lie throughout the game, not because i don’t want to, but i just cannot lie to save my life.

8. my wardrobe is colour coordinated, right down to the clothing hangers [blue dresses with blue hangers, white dresses with white hangers] and my books are arranged in an elaborate system according to genre, author and personal rating. however, my hair is always a mess. whee for selective OCD-ness!

 

i tag whoever wants to do this, but let me know because i want to see your 8 random facts!!!

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2.12.09

Too Too Too Fast

 

today’s blog post will be a happy one because i really really need the distraction. can i do it? yes i can!

my old classmate (and by old i mean former, although he does act like he’s a 74 year old man on occasion) IY messaged me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie, and i started foaming at the mouth about fantastic mr. fox and how awesome the trailer looked. he laughed and said that he’d expected something along the lines of New Moon, because all his female friends were going crazy about it. i rolled my eyes three times and told him that i wasn’t a fan. then came the series of messages.

 

IY says: r u srs? u don’t like twilite/newmoon? smile_omg

D says: yeah. i read the first book and didn’t like it. a friend and i watched twilight online and laughed the whole way through. honestly, there is no reason for me to sit through new moon!

IY says: wat bout robert patinson? all d girls here r all HE’S SO HOT OHHH DAT BELLA IS SOOO LUCKY!!!!

D says: oh please. he’s not my type.

IY says: lol then wat is? who i mean. oo maybe 1 of the hp guys?

D says: yes!

IY says: who? which 1? lemme guess… da guy who plays hp, daniel something.

D says: grosssss!

IY says: lol! ok, draco malfoy?

D says: tom felton? no.

IY says: red haired guy?

D says: smile_teethrupert grint is cute too!!!

IY says: too? means dere’s some1 else as well. giv up. who?

D says: alan rickman!!! *fangirls insanely*

IY says: who?

D says: he plays snape.

IY says: smile_omgOMGG DRIAE!!! DAT IS SO WRONG! HES OLD! ND HE PLAYS DIS GREASY BASTARD!

D says: but but but… i think he’s just perfect. his voice is like hot chocolate and he’s so dignified and wonderful and his looks get better with age like a fine wine!

IY says: SO GROSS!! DRIAE LIKES OLD MEN!

D says: he’s not that old. smile_sad

IY says: HE’S LIKE 50! smile_sick

D says: 63 actually.

IY says: WTH did u hit ur head on somethin? nt old. ya rite. 63 is old and hes old nd he’s not sexy.

D says: smile_sad

 

 

i still think alan rickman is super attractive, mainly because of his voice. honestly, why do all the guys here not have a voice like that? am i being too demanding when i say that the man i marry should sound like alan rickman or jeremy irons? preferably the former. sigh… i am going to grow old alone, aren’t i.

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28.11.09

My Dog Poppy



i went back home on thursday because something terrible has happened. my dog Poppy is really sick. everyone else is trying to act optimistic but we all know it's very serious. she's only three years old so this is a huge blow to me. i spent that whole night looking after her and i cried so much when she yelped in pain every single time she moved. she's been given some shots and a whole load of pills to take so we're hoping she gets better. the worst part is finding out that she may never return to normal after this. i have never prayed so hard in my life.

i always thought that i'd gone through heartbreak before, but all those moments were nothing compared to watching her suffer like that. my whole body constricted with every breath i took and i remember thinking 'how am i ever going to be happy again?'. if only she would be the same dog we all loved again. i would endure a million breakups for that. i cannot stand seeing this empty shell in the place of my beautiful Poppy. she is part of my family, and my family is the most important thing to me.

this does put everything into perspective, and how grateful i should be for the small things in life. i never thought i'd be saying this, but i have been shocked into realizing how fragile our existence is. all these months i have been consumed with grief and rage over the boy, only to have all these feelings pale in comparison to the ocean of depression i am drowning in now. i feel like the stupidest, most selfish person in the world for letting anyone else take precedence over my family. so much shame and guilt.

i want to wake up tomorrow and find her chewing on her mountain of toys, or barking playfully at me. even just recognizing me will do. i miss the way she used to jump up and leave deep red scrawls down my legs. how she would scratch at my door in the middle of the night to be let in. she doesn't even respond to her favourite food anymore. i opened and shut the fridge door for three minutes just to see if she would perk up like she usually does when someone goes into the kitchen, but all she did was blink sadly, and i broke down for what felt like the millionth time.

my head feels like it's floating and my eyes are swollen from all the crying, but i don't know what else to do. i have never been good at waiting anything out, and every sleepless minute that goes by, my heart shatters into smaller pieces. why do we love? why do we give ourselves away so easily? sometimes i think it would be better if we never had feelings in the first place. like robots. like soulless machines that work quietly until they fade away. anything would be better than this right now.

25.11.09

House of Cards



i think i might finally be sick of sushi cause that's all i've been eating for the past two weeks. sad. i can go for weeks (sometimes months) just eating the same food. yes, i am a creature of habit when it comes to my diet. i should probably broaden my menu or something. heh. yeah, i should write this down on my palm the next time i go to a restaurant. DON'T BE PREDICTABLE!

my dad flew back from hong kong with perfume which he bought at the duty free because he'd put off buying souvenirs until the last minute. like father, like daughter. but i love perfume so i was super excited. i tried the burberry one and was a bit disappointed. it smells really nice on my brother but not so much on me - too overpowering. the drydown is better than the top notes but i can't wait that long for my perfume to evaporate all the time. especially since it takes forever for this to wear off on me. i guess i'll be giving this to my brother.

but i do need a new fragrance for the warm spell we're about to be getting so i'm wondering which one to buy. i just want something light and summery. i tried asking ZR and YN for suggestions but they said they like the one i'm wearing now (DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom) and i should stick to that. RJ is pushing for the Givenchy Organza because he always uses my perfume after he's had a shower, and he likes spicier scents. sigh. we share custody of my iPod too, so he often tells me what songs i should upload into it. two weeks ago, he was spring cleaning the apartment (he wouldn't let me help) and decided he wanted to listen to some music while sweeping/mopping the floor. he scrolled through the playlist and proceeded to have a mini freak-out. 


D... [sidles closer] are you busy now? 
not really, why? 
[starts blathering and waving hands wildly] have you listened to Radiohead's latest album?! in rainbows! ahhh it's so good ok you don't know! you don't even know! 
umm ok. [not really listening anymore] 
blablabla perfect blend of edgy riffs and lush melodies! [looks at me] hey! you're not listening to me anymore! [clutches my face and shakes it from side to side] LISTEN TO ME! 
oh yeah yeah, go on. 
Radiohead is God! Thom Yorke is a genius! i would let you have his babies so we could raise them as prodigal music pioneers of the future! [gets crazed look in his eyes] 
uhhh i... 
D YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! [grabs my hands and holds them very very tightly] i looked through your playlist and you don't have any songs from this album. so. what happens now? [huge puppy dog eyes] 
i umm... i upload the album into my iPod? 
i love you D, my love. [still holding my hands] so like i was saying, Radiohead is... [babbles on] 


i like Radiohead as much as the next person but RJ is their number one fanboy. i fell asleep in the car the other day and woke up to him shouting YEAH YEAH RADIOHEAD IS NUMBER ONE at the radio, then nearly swerving into a passing moped. all because someone called the station to request that they play Creep. yes, i am surrounded by crazy people these days.


21.11.09

A Distorted Recollection


in my head there are a million stars
and each one is falling to earth
and each one is caught in an empty jam jar then
shaped with a hammer into a tiny bright charm
hung from a silver strand around a neck
there are caves that smell like old books
with flowers inside that glow in the dark
and a little girl sells them in fistfuls
to people who sit amongst clouds

now i am walking on a long straight road
wearing a scarf that drapes on the grey
my breath escapes in bubbles and lace
someone bothered to say hello
someone tried to understand me

and i woke up with eyes half shut and wondering 
am i really the only one who has these dreams?

20.11.09

Inspired By A Galaxy


 





all those times someone said their heart was in their mouth and their heart was in their throat. and i said they were lying. i'm sorry. i believe you now.
daul kim, say hi to forever and how i never knew you. today i am so so sad.

9.11.09

Sunset Drama King


i thought i'd give you something funny to read today, after weeks of the most depressing posts ever. behold, the barbeque party as told in ZR's journal. SB and i read it with her permission (she wanted me to know how worried she was that night) and we couldn't stop laughing.  i thought it would make good blogging fodder so here it is. just so you know, i'm Mouse, the boy is Talls, PD is Outers and YN is Boobs. ZR has a flair for the dramatic. note the unnecessary exclamation points. it's like reading an Archie comic.

...

... so I walked in to check on Mouse because she hadn't come out in ten minutes and I found her lying on the bed! Like passed out and stuff! So I ran out to the living room and started panicking and I pulled Boobs' arm and told her "You have to do something, Mouse is unconcscious!" and we ran into the room to look at her! We called her name but she didn't move. I touched her forehead and OMG you could've cooked eggs on it!
I asked Boobs and Outers what we should do and they asked if Talls knew. I said no because he wasn't there yet and they told me that we should tell him because he's the one who always looks after Mouse! It just so happened that he had just arrived and we were quite amazed at the coincidence. We said hello and then we told him that Mouse was passed out on the bed and he rushed to check.
I am telling you, the next time we have some kind of emergency, we should ask Talls to take care of it! He looked at Mouse and asked if she'd been drinking and we said no! As if we would let her drink herself to death! Then he sat down next to her and picked her up and shook her lightly! And she woke up! It turns out she'd been sleeping! And Mouse was in a really deep sleep or something so she couldn't hear us shouting! We should've shaken her awake instead! Outers said we could have poured water on her but I guess we forgot. We were so worried!
So we all started cheering that she wasn't sick or anything but Talls shouted at us and asked us to get out because she needed to sleep. We were just so relieved okay?! He just told her to go back to sleep and he'd wake her when they were leaving because he was driving her home, then he put the blanket on her and chased us all out! From my room! He wouldn't even let me go in to take my lipstick until he was sure she was asleep again! 
I guess the next time Mouse does that we need to make sure she's really fainted and stuff before panicking but it was just kind of scary because she never does that!!! Like at all the parties, she's the one who almost never sleeps! She'll just sit there listening to music or reading after everyone falls asleep and we'll wake up and see her smiling at the sunrise or something like that! And then last night she slept for six straight hours! A first! And I didn't know you feel so warm when you sleep! Mouse if you're reading this, never ever do that again! Tell us before you go to sleep next time okay!!! 
 ...

oh god, everytime she tells me this story, i want to die laughing. i cannot believe that they thought i'd had a fainting spell of some sort. what she said about me never sleeping during the parties is true because i don't usually seem to feel tired even while everyone is crashing around me. however, i'd had two sleepless nights before that party and i just gave up, so i went to her room to rest. i must've have fallen asleep because the next thing i know, the boy was holding me and asking if i was alright. i mumbled that i wanted to lie down and he told me to go back to sleep. the rest of them started whooping and making the most annoying noises so i was really glad when everyone left. i think they were half drunk to have acted so stupidly that night.

also, hahaha at the smiling at sunrise part. i didn't know anyone was watching. i like the colours you see when the sunlight starts to spill over the skyline. very inspirational.

oh, and we all have weird nicknames because ZR thinks it's cute. mine is Mouse because she says i sneeze like one (what?! how would she know?) and i also have a childish voice or something. the boy's is Talls because he's tall. PD's is Outers because he is always passing out everywhere. and YN's is Boobs for obvious reasons - she wears an F cup. in case you're interested, ZR has her own nickname. it's K.O.Queen. because she can drink five cans of beer straight up and not get even the slightest bit tipsy. i am amazed.

8.11.09

Stab City



i'm eating spoonfuls of green tea ice cream and wondering if i could squeeze my feet into size 36 shoes for a torturous wedding dinner. there is a certain charm about the way he drew a rabbit with eight whiskers on one cheek and five on the other. is it a hidden message? how about the fact that i wake up with swollen eyes after a good night's sleep, every single time? you can't expect the paint on the wall to dry faster just because you've been breathing on it while you're splayed out under the piano. maybe if you... if you stopped waiting for something to happen, you'll find the happiness you've been wishing for on falling leaves and half filled Chivas bottles.

3.11.09

Distraction Is A Gift


my love life is beginning to sound like a bad fanfiction so i'm going to pretend it doesn't exist anymore. now i can focus on the more important things in life - shopping for new clothes. i threw out nearly half of the stuff in my wardrobe and realized too late that i have nothing to wear when attending casual events. i had to wear a dress to the barbeque a few nights back and didn't enjoy myself as much as i could've because i was too busy worrying about spilling anything over myself. SB solved the problem by upending his bottle of beer over (on?) my chest. i would've murdered him if he hadn't immediately ripped off his jacket for me to put on while giving me the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster.


so the plan is to (i think i use this phrase too often) buy a few pairs of shorts and tees, maybe a new cardigan and a pair of sandals. vintage is fine and dandy until your drunk friends decide that you're an alcoholic plant and must be watered fortnightly with equal doses of ice cream soda and Guinness. perhaps i should start leaving the price tags on my clothes, so i can force said "friends" to replace everything that they've managed to rip and/or stain.

speaking of bad fanfiction (as mentioned in the first paragraph so it's not a huge backtrack), i stumbled upon a very lengthy blog post detailing the drunken exploits of some guy from this band. Boys Like Girls, i think. are they supposed to be boys who like girls? or boys who are like girls? hmm... both perhaps?

anyway, many people commenting on this issue have been making the most delightful one-liners, ranging from bitingly snarky to downright deluded. after reading through pages and pages of their valuable insight, i am glad that i have never been a band groupie. it seems like too much hard work for nothing. getting leered at by strange men and having to endure their tongues down your throat your idea of fun, ladies? like they say, one man's trash...

now if you will excuse me, i'm off to sort through what's left of my wardrobe and make a list of things that i should be looking out for on my next shopping excursion.

31.10.09

Consequence





so the posting is going to be sporadic from now on. it'll be like taking time off with little breaks in the middle to reminisce. dangerous, i know. i'm such a daredevil sometimes. and a masochist, if you hadn't noticed. i like eating chips straight from the fryer ohohoho... ok shutting up now.

in case you're wondering why the sudden downturn since the party on friday night?, i will fill you in on the details. long story short, i had made up my mind that i would treat the boy like a friend and nothing more. i'd also decided that if JY made her move, i was to smile and accept it as a good thing since it would help me forget him and all. sadly, life never goes the way i want it to.

at the party, the boy and i both got really high. after trying to avoid him for the whole night (while he in turn, ignored JY), he cornered me against a wall. he leaned in dangerously close while making eye contact, and we stood there for what must have been a whole minute, while everyone around us stopped what they were doing and turned to watch us. i know he was waiting for some sort of acquiescence on my part, but i couldn't do it. i pushed him away, half smiling to pretend that i was fine, then ran into ZR's room to cry. i was so angry at that moment, because i thought we were over this whole issue. what is the point of staying friends when you can't even respect that boundary? acting this way is what got us into this stupid mess in the first place.

after a few deep breaths, i went back out to confront him, only to be told that he'd gone out to smoke up. i was disappointed but relieved that i wouldn't have to see his reaction. once again, everyone else pretended that they hadn't seen anything wrong, if only for my benefit.

an hour later, just as i was beginning to enjoy myself, the boy returned. stoned of out his mind. he saw me half sleeping/half sitting on the couch and stumbled over. he then sat down next to me, gave me the most heartbreaking smile, then placed his head carefully on my ribcage. he mumbled something about always being the bad guy, even when he wasn't trying to be. how he couldn't even win in my dreams. that he could hear my heartbeat, and he was breathing in time with it.

then he fell asleep.

while i lay awake for the rest of the night, crying silently over how much we were hurting each other and the strangers we had become to each other, trying not to wake him up. i kept wondering why we couldn't seem to move on, why he wouldn't let me forget him. the time floated by so slowly that night. the six hours felt like forever, and every minute was stretched out by the sound of his breathing. perfectly melding with mine. even in his sleep.

we acted like everything was fine in the morning. when he woke up and i in turn passed out in ZR's bed. when he woke me up to drive me home before my lunch hour curfew. while he drove me past familiar grey buildings, listening to post metal (why?) and poorly remixed versions of Akon. when he waited for me to leave, to walk through the doors of the elevator, just like every other time.

but i'm going to be fine. he might not want to get better, but i am not planning on killing myself anytime soon. i've come a long way since june. i can't go back. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy.


30.10.09

Gone, Play On


last day of internship and i think i'm going to miss this place. who would have thought? all my friends laughed when i said i was getting some sort of job, but i have lasted three months. the paycheck helped, i admit, but i liked the idea of doing something like this on my own for the first time.

i'm not sure if i'll ever type a post on this computer again. eat another lonely meal at the table, while dragging my heels on the floor. wear three sweaters to keep from freezing until i finally learned to survive with just one. so many scattered thoughts about this place but i can't rearrange them into sentences coherent enough for anyone else to understand.

i'll also sort of miss the boss, and how he skips coming into the office four days out of five, then rushes in for last minute paperwork. his frantic appeals for help when he has to use a computer. when he doesn't realize that i'm on the phone and wonders out loud why i'm talking to myself. he actually forgot that i was quitting twice, then slyly asked if i would consider coming back after a break.

and RS, who helped me a lot with my work. i've never heard her complain about a single thing i've done, although she's entitled to do much more than just mouth off, considering the mistakes i make sometimes. i'll probably buy her a gift and mail it to the office. just to say thank you.

only ten more minutes until i leave. i'm a bit anxious because i can't think of what to say. should i act happy? sad? are there unwritten rules about your behaviour on the last day of work? besides not making too big of a show packing your belongings into discreet canvas totes, of course.

the table looks so empty now. it doesn't feel right. where are the seven piles of paperwork, the scattered pens and the torn up memos? today seems like a strange day.

goodbye office. goodbye. it was a great run while it lasted.

26.10.09

If I'm Not Out Burning


i can smell strawberry yoghurt from where i'm lying
i have ten fingernails but only one of them has a half moon
last night someone let off a whole slew of fireworks and this morning i saw fire engines rushing about madly
fridays are my favourite days though i was born on a wednesday
my mother taught me how to pop bubble wrap
in the same vein, my father taught me my first swear word
i am currently addicted to freecell, drawing Sanrio characters and watching past seasons of Skins
at ZR's party, the boy backed me up against a wall and leaned in so close i could hear him breathe me in
but i walked away crying
self destructing comes naturally these days

i think i am going to be taking a indefinite break from this blog. i want to gather my thoughts (like every other fcking time) and try not to kill myself. there are so many things i want to sort into piles, all neatly labeled and left to burn. starting with all those letters i wrote. i need to get over this. he's obviously not going to help, so i'll have to do this on my own.

remember that today, i love you. so so much.

24.10.09

Woods


why can't i let you go?!




22.10.09

We Drink On The Job


well, he's picking me up for the party tomorrow. PD was supposed to be doing that but the boy volunteered instead. i don't know what i'll say to him. it's always awkward sitting in a car with someone who you can't look in the eye. maybe i'll just start singing again.

21.10.09

Certain Things You Ought To Know


he took me out for lunch on saturday. it rained so heavily, we couldn't see through the front windshield, and i was terrified that we'd crash but he kept saying he wouldn't lose control, not even for a second. still, i was relieved when we made it to my gate in one piece and reminded him to drive carefully on the way home.

PD and i were chatting later, and we were laughing about his terrible performance in a previous football game until he asked me if i had enjoyed the lunch. apparently the boy had been looking forward to it all week, even if he hadn't given me that impression. not trusting myself to speak, i just nodded my head.

two days later, ZR told me that she and PD were in this conversation with the boy on msn messenger (ohgod), and in the midst of it, the subject of our lunch was brought up. he told them that the lunch was great (he had second helpings) and everything went smoothly until the rain began to pour. to their (and my) immense surprise, he said that he had been scared on the inside because it was so hard to drive.

*part of the conversation that ZR sent me.
the following exchange is between PD (who i'm going to kill) and the boy.

and i was just thinking, stay calm. stay calm. if it had just been me in that car, i would have been ok if the car crashed, but D was there. i didn't want anything to happen to her, so i pretended that everything was fine.
didn't she ask?
she did. before it started raining, she asked if i was tired because she knew i had not had any sleep the previous night, and also because work was brutal these past few days. i said no but i don't think she believed me. then when it was raining, i kept telling her it would be alright even when i couldn't see the road. for a whole half hour.
omfg insane. why didn't you stop or something?
she had a curfew.
like i said, insane.
yeah. scariest experience in a long time.
hahaha D must have been terrified since she hates driving and sh*t.
her face, you should have seen it. she closed her eyes three quarters of the time. and she was singing to herself. if it wasn't such a tense situation, i would have laughed.
hahahahaha what the hell was she singing?
i wasn't really listening cause i was concentrating on not crashing, but they were those songs that she likes. the ones no one's heard of besides her. haha and i know she was singing owl city at one point because she forced me to listen to him once. should i have started singing along?
she would have killed you hahahaha. she would have been like "OMGOMGOMG FOCUS ON YOUR DRIVING! STOP SINGING! DON'T KILL US! BREATHE D BREATHE!" hahahahaha!
sounds about right hahahaha. D thinks that just because she can't drive while talking or singing, no one else can.
did you tell her that?
and have her be all "shut up! shut up! if you're not going to drive properly, just let me get down here and i'll walk! and drive carefully! don't kill yourself ok!"? no thanks.
hahaha you've been spending too much time with her, cause you're getting really good at this imitating thing.
i wish.
haha so much for a refreshing lunch. you think she'll be up for another anytime soon?
screw you.

from the way they talk about me, i sound like such a loser. no wonder all their friends look at me with this half amused half pitying face when they first meet me. in all seriousness though, it was nice of the boy to have acted the way he did, but he should have told me! then we could have stopped somewhere and waited for the rain to let up! curfew be damned, my life is more important than that. his too, of course. boys and their weird ways.

20.10.09

World Spins Madly On


ZR has convinced me to come for the party, so i'm going to try and think of a way. i'm not doing it for the boy (or JY) but because i deserve some time off. wish me luck! i am going to need every little bit i can get.

and today is a very special day. i have been blogging for three years now, eventhough i never even expected to make it past the first three months. i've always had trouble committing to something, so it's wonderful that i managed to keep this up for as long as i have. yay me! sadly, i forgot about this joyous occassion last year, so i'm going to make up for it this year.

happy third anniversary starsofglass.blogspot.com (currently barley for brains)!

i'm going to keep blogging until i get fed up, but i hope that won't be for years to come. since this is much easier than writing in a diary.

19.10.09

Passing Afternoon


unfinished letter, found in a pocket of the grey dress with buttons. dated 17/7/2009.



the aftermath:-

i've given up on the colour green, it's just not meant to be, especially when it's both your favourite and mine. i don't need to be reminded of your fingers brushing mine towards shades of mint and jade in the paint section, or of the emerald dress i wore to meet you in the old parking lot. it is now pink, because you hated the colour and said it was too overdone, so how refreshing it was that i never wore or used it. thursday was a pink top, pink shorts, pink flats and even a pink cardigan with little hearts. i wish you could have seen me then. or would you still have said i looked good in anything?

i've stopped listening to that stupid song you thought was wonderful, the one about drugs and alcohol and sex(probably). it figures that your music choices would echo your lifestyle choices. you probably were hooked on the one called 'let's see how much i can make her cry yet still be in love with me' for the past six months. i know you did love me, i know you cared a lot. just not enough to stop hurting me the way you did. addictions are hard to kill off, but i wish i was worth giving it all up for. i really do.

one thing i can't bring myself to do is walk past that stone bench where i waited for you to recover whatever it is that you were on. or that window where you made stupid faces in to entertain me so i wouldn't remember how much my feet hurt, because my shoes were biting into them. or that balcony where i drew the people i knew and you wanted to know if i'd drawn you. i said no. i was lying. if you had opened the leather bag, you would have seen dozens of you, all crooked grins and messy haired and perfect in the way only you are. i can't walk past all these places but sometimes i have to, only i don't and i make up stories to explain why i can't. i think everyone sees through the lies, how pathetic i am and how i end up running away from problems instead of unravelling them.

i never realized how many pictures i have of you until i had to delete them off my phone, one by one. you're pulling me into the frame, your arms extended towards the sky, happiness exuding from you. my face is partially blocked by my purse but you can see my eyes clearly - they look genuinely carefree for once. i even know what happens after that picture. you tell me how t---

17.10.09

There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease


it is nothing like what i thought it would be
when he looked at me i felt as if my heart would burst
with his goodbye
while he waited for me to walk away
looking hopefully for that one sign of weakness
said 'i'll always be here
'no matter what happens to me
'i will watch you and keep you safe
my feet were cement blocks but i kept on going
i just want to be happy again

16.10.09

Early Morning Ambulance

who you are/have been/will always be to me

the lines etched into my palm
sips of black coffee
pieces of a broken test tube
the reflection i see in every shard
a bitten off expletive
staccato laughter
the silence after a thunderstorm
torn canvas shoes
pillows that smell like smoke
an empty vodka bottle
an empty heart

15.10.09

I'm Kicking Myself

i asked YN what i should do regarding my previous problem and she told me to leave it alone. i asked if this was a form of jealousy and she said it might be so oh dear. i guess i deserved this slap in the face because it is no different from me constantly reminding the boy that we should just move on. this is probably how he felt all those fifty three or so times.

ok, you should know that when i'm high/tipsy/drunk, i tend to be very noisy and all over the place. i babble on and on, run around like a hyperactive 5 year old and sing cheesy pop songs at the top of my voice. when i wake up in the morning, i can't really remember everything in great detail- there are gaps in my memory - and my friends will fill me in on what happened.
for example, i can remember eating something sweet but not what it was exactly, so YN will tell me that i was actually scoffing green tea ice cream.

hahaha and yesterday evening, she told me that at the last party, i was a bit cold and standoffish. probably because i was watching the boy and JY. apparently (according to YN and ZR) one of ZR's friends has liked me since the first party, but we were never introduced to each other (and the boy was always with me) so he hovered around me shyly every single time. at the last party, he saw that i was alone and thought he might try his luck.

YN said that i was sitting on the couch and drinking moodily while staring into a corner (at the boy and JY, no doubt) and she had settled on the other end. ZR's friend - we'll call him RG -
walked over to talk to me. YN loves to eavesdrop so she scooted closer to listen in. from what she overheard, the conversation went something like this.

hi.
hi.
i remember you. do you remember me from the last party?
eh? i think so. you're the guy with the really cool phone right?
hahaha, it's ok. my name's RG. *sits down next to me*
oh. hi RG. i'm...
D, i know. we met at the last party, even if you don't remember.

i'm really sorry. i'm terrible with names and faces.
i was the guy that hugged you goodbye.
*blank face*
nevermind. so anyway, are you enjoying the party?
oh yeah. yeah. it's fun. *stares at something in the corner*
can i get you something to drink?
it's fine, i have this. *pats bottle next to me*

oh. ok. so, are you from around here?
no.
are you planning to study here?
no.
ok. umm... *looks around for something/someone to talk about?* IR said that you play the piano. are you any good?
no.
well, that's ok. i don't play a musical instrument so you're really good in my eyes.
oh. thanks. listen, i'm a bit tired so do you mind if i just put my head down while we talk?

no no, not at all. *YN says that she thinks he assumed i wanted to rest my head on his shoulder so he straightened up*
thank you. *rests head on arm of couch*
oh. *disappointed smile* you're welcome.

YN said that he continued talking and i started to warm up a little, and then i excused myself to go to the bathroom and didn't return after 20 minutes so he went looking for me. i had locked myself in ZR's room and tried to go to sleep but it didn't work. meanwhile, having realized that i wasn't coming back, RG went off and got drunk. later, i came outside to get some fresh air and he returned to hover around me. we ended up sitting on the couch again
while he tried to clear his head. after a while, he fell asleep on my shoulder and i was afraid to move. when he woke up, he went to wash his face and started throwing up instead.

he had to be carried by the boy and PD to his own apartment because he couldn't walk. he passed out in the kitchen trying to get some water. i feel so bad for laughing everytime i think about it but before they dragged him away, he saw me watching the whole thing and waved goodbye. omghahahaha his face was just priceless.


but i'm really sorry that i was such a frigid bitch to him that night, even though i can't remember most of this. only the part where i came out of the room and he fell asleep on my shoulder. sigh, maybe i should stop drinking so i can actually keep track of what i'm doing.

and no, i'm not interested in him at all. he's nice/funny but i'm just not ready for a new
relationship, especially when i can't seem to get over the last one. if we end up talking at the next party, i think i'll try and get the hint in that i'm not available.

but YN and ZR suggested that i flirt back to annoy the boy. and he's also really rich so they think i could get something out of it. what good friends they are. they should've played some kanye in the background while they told me this though.



now i ain't saying she a gold digger...



13.10.09

In Case of Rapture

in a week, ZR will be throwing another house party and i'm not sure if i can go, since the parents have become even more overprotective over the past few months. normally i wouldn't mind, but this time it is different. if i don't go, i'm afraid of change. the bad kind of change. because...

the boy is going too, as always. as i mentioned before, we're still pretty close and whenever we meet up, it feels just like old times. we talk, we laugh, we sit in comfortable silence until someone (me) falls asleep first. he's never said so, but everyone else has told me that whenever i'm tipsy (or about to be), he goes into this super caring mode and starts to hover around me. watching whatever i drink or eat, holding my hand as we walk up and down the stairs, tucking me into bed after i've passed out. i can't really tell if this is true because i can never quite remember these nights. i just know that i'm very happy to see him again, even if the nearness of him makes me dizzy, because it's nice to know that we can still be friends. keep in mind that i am not going back to him anytime soon, unless we both mature a little.

now for the problem.

at the first party ZR threw in her dorm, we (the boy and i) were introduced to her course mate JY. she seemed nice, we exchanged pleasantries and smiled at each other. i didn't notice it at the time, but she had a thing for the boy. she kept trying to engage him in conversation and laughing at everything he said. when i arrived, she'd been talking to him about her studies. after we were done saying hello, the boy decided to have a chat with me instead and we sat down on the couch to talk about the things we'd been up to lately. i didn't think she'd mind, especially since she'd just met him and we were all mingling around.

around a half hour into the conversation, JY turned up looking extremely drunk and made some remarks about me that were a bit disturbing, but i chalked it up to the alcohol. after a few moments of her drunken rambling, she left, so the boy and i continued talking. an hour later, she returned to hurl abuse at me, insulting my clothes/looks/personality in not so subtle ways. i got rather upset and walked away, the boy following close behind. ZR and another friend pulled her off into a bedroom to sleep it off, and i thought that was the end of it.

later, YN told me that JY had insinuated that i was 'easy' and wanted to know why the boy had spent most of the night with me. she asked if we were dating, and YN kept quiet. obviously not the answer she had wanted because she continued to make hurtful remarks about me to YN and everyone in the vicnity. when i heard this, i was quite angry at first, but then i felt sorry for her because she had made herself look like an idiot in front of everyone. i understood what it was like to want someone that badly -the raw hurt- after all, june hadn't been that long ago, and i forgave her.

at the next party, i arrived a little earlier than the boy, and JY was one of the few people who were there. thinking that i could use this opportunity to start over with her, i walked over and said hi. to my surprise, she ignored my greeting and asked me if i planned to have a raunchy (read: slutty) night. i wanted to say something to defend myself, but the boy walked in at that moment. JY immediately bounced over to him, offered him a sip of her beer (he declined), then draped herself over his arms, all while giving me a satisfied smirk. confused, i smiled a hello at him and before he could open his mouth, she had pulled him away to the balcony.

for the rest of the night, i tried not to get upset while she dragged him off to dark corners and flirted heavily with him. everytime he came over to talk to me, she would appear out of nowhere and lay her hand on his arm protectively. he didn't seem to be interested in her or her 'moves' but you can never tell with the boy. he keeps his feelings to himself. ZR and Y took turns to sit by me and dole out consoling hugs, although they too pretended that nothing was wrong.

i'd like to think that i could be happy for the boy if he found another girl who wasn't iffy about our friendship. a girl who would reach out to me too, someone with a lovely personality, someone i could also call a friend. but if he were to date JY, i know she would eventually ruin our friendship because she is that type of person. and the boy is unpredictable when it comes to the girls he goes out with (i don't know if i've just managed to insult myself here) so i can't say for sure that he isn't or wouldn't be attracted to her.

if i don't go to the next party, she might make a move on him since i wouldn't be around. in all honesty, i wouldn't do anything to stop her should i be present, but... i feel as if i would rather see it happening for myself (if it does happen) than hear about it from someone else. a twisted sort of closure, i guess. maybe i'm just jealous? i hope not. i really do.

what happens now? do i go to the party? or is this a sign that i should move on? i'm so stupid, i know, but i can't seem to cure myself of this. apparently eating frozen yogurt straight from the tub while reading caro peacock doesn't solve all problems. i just...

11.10.09

Maybe I'm Tired


well maybe i'm just scared

scared to let you go
i want you to know
right from hello
your love just kept me wondering


as tall as lions

3.10.09

This Girl Is Taking Bets


this is going to be a really long post, so if you do read it i am very very grateful.

i've been at the office all week sorting files and helping out wherever i can because the legal assistant has been having some problems. from what i overheard (unintentionally!), her boyfriend/lover was cheating on her, then dumped her and ran off with her car so she had to take some time off to sort everything out. i feel really bad for her and i hope she manages to pull through.

instead of today's post being all rambly and/or soppy, i'd like to talk about more serious matters, the first being the recent natural disasters in the Philippines, Indonesia, Samoa, and various other nations. people are desperate for help all over the world, and i hope everyone reading this makes an effort to donate something. every little bit helps. even the $5 you spend on coffee everyday makes a difference. give up your iced frappucino for a day. it would mean a lot to all those people out there who are now waiting for a second chance at life. they really need all the help they can get.

the second issue i would like to talk about pertains to this incredible person.

if you've never heard of him, i sort of envy you

now colour me stupid, but i fail to see why anyone is even supporting this moron. some people have thrown out reasons like:-

"he's old! do you want him to die in jail?!"
yes, he's old. does that excuse what he did? no. he was capable of rational thought but he chose to commit an act that he knew was wrong. why do you think he fled the country? for a 30 year vacation? he gave alcohol to a 13 year old, then drugged her, then raped her.

"jail is for rehabilitation! he's turned over a new leaf! why do we need to put him there?!"
wrong again. jail is also used to punish people, and safely lock up those who are a danger to society. pedophiles, hebephiles and rapists included. it would also serve as a deterrent to other perverts out there thinking they might be able to get away with their own disgusting crimes.

"she wasn't a virgin when he 'raped' her! she was a slut!"
so she'd had sex before, boo fcking hoo. this is one of the worst excuses ever. are you saying that anyone who isn't a virgin will automatically consent to having sex with any random person? so by that logic, you could force yourself upon someone else's mother and it wouldn't count. because she wasn't a virgin, remember? because she was a slut, right? granted, she shouldn't have been having sex at such a young age but when it came down to sleeping with Roman Polanski, she said no. and he ignored her constant refusal. to quote Kate Harding:-
"A rapist is nothing but a man who doesn't listen when you say stop."

and if you're going to argue that she might have lied and everything was in fact consensual, i'm just going to remind you that she was underaged. add in the fact that she was drunk and drugged, and it's pretty obvious that the whole thing was plain wrong.
"hasn't he suffered enough? not being able to return to america! not being able to collect his oscar in person! not being able to visit his wife's grave!"
yes, because living in the lap of luxury while jetsetting between countries that wouldn't turn him in was pure pain. and oh dear, he didn't get to go to the oscars? sacrilege!

look at the chalet he owns in switzerland! if he's put under house arrest, this is where he would have to stay. what suffering indeed.

"he suffered great trauma when he was younger! of course he's screwed up! we need to forgive!"
hahahaha at this. there are many people out there who have experienced great tragedies at a young age but have grown up to be exemplary adults. i'm sorry that he had to go through such hardships as a child but this doesn't excuse his behaviour.

"the victim doesn't want the case to go to trial! she is the only person whose decision matters!"
this is a touchy subject. it is true that she has asked for the case to be dropped, but she isn't the only victim out there. her case is one of millions, there are many out there who are being sexually abused everyday. to not convict him would show how flawed the judicial system is, and it would deter many survivors of sexual abuse from coming forward out of fear that this situation might happen to them.

"he was detained in switzerland although he was supposed to have immunity there. it's a neutral country! he was there to accept an award at a highly respected film festival as an outstanding director! his movies are genius!"
you're right, what were they thinking? hauling out such an amazing artist from a prestigous event like that, pfft...
i'd like to sleep at night knowing that criminals are caught wherever they flee to, and not protected by stupid things like film festivals and award winning movies. you can still appreciate his work, but you don't have to pardon him just because he produced masterpieces. we have to learn to separate the man from his films. in my opinion, they didn't arrest a director at that film festival. they arrested a child rapist, and that is all that needs to be said.

"why now? it's been 30 years! if it was such a big deal they would've gotten him years ago."
it is a big deal, and they did make 5 attempts to get him back to the US. however, it isn't the easiest thing in the world when France (and the other countries he traveled in) refused to extradite him. he made sure to only set foot in countries without extradition agreements with the US. blame him for running away in the first place.

"what if it was consensual?"
still rape. having sexual relations with a 13 year old is illegal! if it was consensual, it would be statutory rape. he didn't serve time for that either and ran away instead before the judge could pass a sentence.

to all these idiots, thank you for making me feel so much smarter today. i've been doubting my intelligence for a while now, but not anymore!

i'm sorry if i'm being harsh, but sexual abuse (especially when it concerns minors) is something i feel very strongly about, so i cannot stand it when people choose to defend and make excuses for anyone who has committed a sexual offense.


if you want a good biased read, i'd suggest Anne Applebaum or Joan Z. Shore over here. true geniuses. just like Whoopi "rape-rape" Goldberg. however, Anna Wainwright, Kate Harding, Eve Ensler and Michael Seitzman all wrote articles worth looking through.

maybe i'm alone in thinking this, but i believe that he should be made to serve his time. it would be a different story if it turns out that the girl had made up this story, but i highly doubt it considering that he's already confessed. i'm just so tired of seeing people get away with everything just because they're famous, know the right people or have done something wonderful. there are many grey areas in life, but this doesn't seem like one of them. i hope someone out there understands what i'm trying to say. whether he deserves jail time is not for me to decide, but the bottom line is that no one should be above the law. no one.

29.9.09

Dark Ice


i recorded myself talking last night, and wow. my friends were right, i do sound like a kid. i mean, i wasn't expecting to hear a sexy and seductive purr emanating from the speakers but this is ridiculous. even with a sore throat, my voice brings to mind a twelve year old who's just gotten her first bra.


funny story though; when i went bra shopping the other day, i was directed towards this boring looking pile of undergarments. no wonder they looked so bland, they were for little girls! apparently the only bras in my size were from the junior department. in fact, the one i am wearing now has the words my first bra stitched on the side. brilliant. why am i even talking about this?

so anyway... i might have been exaggerating a little when i said i sounded like a child but not by much. most of my friends have deep, sultry voices, and get compliments like 'you sound like an old time Hollywood actress' or 'has anyone ever told you that your voice could melt butter?'. on the other hand, the best compliment i have ever received on my voice was 'have you thought about becoming a voice actress for disney?' and once when i was in college, some girl i'd never met before heard my voice from inside a classroom and thought it was someone's litte sister speaking. when she saw it was me, she squealed 'you have such a cute voice' and pinched my cheeks. hard.

is there any wonder why my friends never take me seriously? not only do i act like a child, i apparently sound like one too. this explains why i'm never allowed to be by myself or to handle glassware around them. whee.

22.9.09

Silver Lining




i still love pokemon! the game, not the series. the music was one of the best things about it.

the name also somewhat reminded me of the colour of the new display picture. and i thought the header suited the blog title more than the previous one. which led to me revamping the sidebar (not completely) and being a bit trigger happy with some things. change is good, right?

but if this header is too happy and sunshiney for you, let me know. we can make this work!

21.9.09

To Be Happy

last last night while you put your hand on my head and draped your jacket around my shoulders and watched me shred pink tissue paper into an ashtray, i died.

it just made me sad to think about it, that maybe it has always been the other way around. perhaps you've been the one who cared most, not me. you pick sugar crystals from my hair and scatter sparks from your cigarettes
around my feet, while i just sit there smiling.

i can forgive you because i have hurt you more. all those moments i spent carving your name into wooden benches, you were carving my name on the inside of your eyelids. fck it. i shouldn't have left you that day in june, traced a final i love you in the air and gotten into that car.




if all this seems broken and unintelligible, that's because it is. my thoughts fragmented. i can spit out a million and eight excuses, but somewhere in the middle we got turned around, and now you're where i was and i'm where you used to be.

i think i need help. i need help but i have no one left to turn to. so i keep on spinning and spinning, waiting for you to stop loving me so i can finally stop thinking of you.

18.9.09

Folds In Your Hands

what will i say to you? should i be the first to speak? would a hello suffice, or are more words required?

i am so confused right now. all i want is to sit in the shower for as long as i can hold my breath and try to forget you under the relentless stream of cold water. i know we'll end up talking in the end, because you have never let me walk away without a fight. if only you didn't love me still, it would be so much easier to let you go.

three more hours until i fall back in again.



16.9.09

Turn Slowly


i smiled into my palm that night, when you said you still loved me. i will never admit how much i want to forget the promise i made to myself - to never be that vulnerable again. it's difficult when you're pressed up against my back, so close that i can feel your heartbeat through bare skin. i tried running away, clutching my throat so i wouldn't accidentally tell you how much i loved you too, but you always found me. behind doors to cold empty rooms, watching the sunrise mirror the flush of my skin at your touch, eyes searching for the slightest hint of remorse.

this isn't rock bottom anymore. this is me scraping every facet i can retain of you and wrapping them up in gilt. or guilt. whichever works best.

15.9.09

All This Beauty


we traveled all night
we drank the ocean dry
and watched the sun rise

you can ask about it
but nobody knows the way
no bread-crumb trail
to follow through your days
it takes an axe sometimes
a feather in the sunshine
and bad weather
it's a matter of getting deeper in
anyway you can



the weepies