Anxious Searching

I'm finally off for a holiday with the family. The parents decided to give me the shopping spree I wanted while letting me take a break from stressing about results, and the brother wants to look at guitars(?). Thailand, here I come!

Oh and by the way, Happy New Year in advance everyone! Resolutions when I get back.

A Billion Heartbeats

Do you know what rock bottom is? It's me in Math class, spelling out your name in numbers on a broken calculator. Adding and subtracting and dividing and multiplying and looking for the magic figure that will piece me back together.

You are there in numbers, and I keep trying to solve an equation that will never ever make sense.

Sleigh Bells

Merry Christmas loves!

Much Has Been Said

i catch glimpses of you in

puddles on the sidewalks
over-sized lab coats
cold waffles in paper bags
ink blotches shaped like armadillos

conversations beginning with

'hey you
'hey hey you
'wanna go for a walk?
'but let's take the lift instead
'hey you you

and today someone had pressed the buttons
to all the floors
in my apartment building when
i got into the lift
so every time the door opened
there you were
in glimpses

Then The Clouds Will Open Up For Me

being in love with you
is like trying to count grains of sand
in an ocean of madness

because you are the reason
solely

why i scrape my thoughts out
exhaling fragments of speech and
love confessions and
regrets

while singing softly to myself
clutching a pillow
where your body used to be

and i sing of pale lips and
shut eyes

when you wouldn't look at me
moments of ephemeral perfection
i dusted them in sugar and honey

so they said to me
'you can always leave

i know once i said
letting go was not an option
but i have broken many promises

of all people
you should understand

---

i wrote this while drinking that really really sweet drink you always laughed at. the one you said only children loved, so that meant i was still a little girl. it made me remember that you tried it once, to see what being me felt like. then i said i wanted to see what being you was like, but you threw down your cigarette and told me to never ever hurt myself like that. and i watched the hollows of your ribs as you inhaled smoke and silent tears.

Memory and Honesty

post deleted

Because everyone deserves a second chance. Or a third. I might be a pushover, but I'm willing to listen to explanations and apologies before making up my mind.

Travel Light

I like this song a lot, and I find myself listening to it every few months or so. Joanna Newsom really makes me wish I could play the harpsichord. My brother likes her music too. Some people may find it grating and annoying, but it's very delightful to me. This isn't my favourite song of hers though, I love Sprout and the Bean.

My mom said I should probably warn people to turn down the volume on their speakers first. Can you tell that she hates this song?

Elephant

what colour would you dye your hair? you asked
black. i said
and you called me boring because my hair was
already black but i fought back
my hair is brown-black, which isn't the same thing
then you laughed at my answer and
said i was wrong

later as we watched birds
hurl themselves against
cage walls, i wanted to cry
i know what that feels like. i whispered
but you put your arms around me and said
no i didn't.

you were lacing up your shoes when
i woke from a dream
my hands found their way to yours
'you're not coming back, are you?'
but you shook your head so your
hair got in your eyes
then you pushed it back and kissed me

---

sometimes i hate being right

Green

i poured acid into a flask
mix heat mix cool
'that's supposed to be green' you said
but nothing i added could change
it to the colour it should have been
you winked at me and laughed
and that made all the difference

my dress matched your shirt perfectly
but i couldn't dance with you
your hand grasped mine so tightly
were you imagining yourself holding my heart?
the lights drenched us in neon green
afterward i watched you smoke half a stick
and i didn't breathe in once

last times never seem to be the last
i threw up on the green grass square
outside the room where you were crying
Abba was playing in the background
(don't go wasting your emotion)
i drank sugar water on the way home
but it was salty from all the tears


12/11/08

It's just my luck that we happened to share the same favourite colour, and how it happened to bind us together. Actually, I like blue much more now, and I'm not entirely convinced that you had nothing to do with this sudden change of mind.

Falling Slowly

perhaps hope
isn't the thing with wings

i think so because
we were thirteen floors up and
looking down at city lights

i wanted to believe
that you were holding my hand
not so that i wouldn't walk away

but because you didn't want me to fall
so i waited

still, i didn't feel hopeful
thirteen floors above
where hope couldn't fly

-

perhaps love
doesn't mean stale candy hearts and an
'iloveyou!!!' stuck to your back

nor the wet footprints
on pale cement

in the shape of a heart
that didn't look much like the one
i found in my biology textbook

it dried up in ten minutes
after the sun came up
now no one remembers that
it was there before

-

perhaps trust
wasn't the issue

promises are the emptiest of words
i will i won't we can we are

it's knowing that your call is
always left unanswered
because some girl who showed more skin
is lying on top of the phone

"sorry baby, i was busy (silk)
i had to do some stuff (upon skin)
i'll call you later (upon skin)"

Quietly

I wrote a whole post about you and not being able to forget and the constant comparing I've been doing of you to other guys and how every other relationship I'll ever have from now on will probably be cautious and not as carefree as they should be.

Then I deleted it.

I don't want to dwell too much on the negative, which is why I usually try to remember the good things. This is me telling myself that there were some of the happiest moments conceivable in that time, and that I should be grateful.

Actually there are a whole bunch of unedited entries that I haven't posted. I think I'll put them up one at a time until they're all gone. After that, I'll hopefully have no need to write any more.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't talk to you for so long. I'm sorry that I made you feel like the most horrible person on earth, though at that time, I really hated you. I'm sorry that I walked out on you all those times when you were trying so hard. I'm sorry that you couldn't be happy with me and for me. I'm sorry that I wasn't worth the effort in the end. I'm sorry that I left without saying a word, I should have told you.

You're far far away now, and I think we're both happier than we've been in quite a while. Before you left, you came over to sit by me, and I don't know how you always do it, but you made me laugh. And suddenly everything was normal again. It makes it easier to know that when you get back, I won't have to turn away.

I am happy for you, and her. She obviously doesn't like me, but who am I to judge? In her position, I would be doing much worse than ignoring. I'm pretty sure this will be your longest relationship to date, and you didn't have to ask - I'll be glad to give you a slap and bring you back to your senses if you stray.

It feels so good to be friends again. Now I can go back to making fun of your small town antics, and you can laugh at my retarded sneeze. I hated sneezing without you around.