Love All

we went bowling the other day
such an unglamourous sport, i refused
actually, my arm was hurting but
i liked the first excuse better

so while i watched, i remembered
you'd taught me a little game of your own

the more pins you knock down
the more he'll hurt you
and i gasped because

i'd bowled a perfect game, almost
right before i met you



I'm enjoying laughing at the vacuum cleaner as it attempts valiantly to get over the metal bracket separating the rooms in our apartment. It's supposed to be some smart robot vacuum but it's not very smart. Or helpful. Well it is, but it's annoying. For one thing, it's always banging into my chair so I'm jolted while eating or something. Not cool. Second, it's run over my toes so many times I want to break it into tiny tiny pieces and step on it.

Hahahaha it's still stuck there. Good on you, demon vacuum.

I really have to learn how to budget my allowance. I know I went on and on about reusing clothes and not buying any new stuff but I went shopping today and nearly gave myself a heart attack. Best buy: vintage doctor's style bag or whatever you call it. See, I call it serendipity/fate. I saw pictures of bags like it in a magazine and couldn't stop drooling "weusdhfckbwsejkdf omgwtf i need this bag!" but all the vintage ones were either happily owned or too expensive. So I sighed morosely and resigned myself to never having one. Then I'm happily browsing through the stalls today when I see the 'bag of my dreams'! And it was cheap (relatively) so I had to get it. Had. It's this gorgeous dark brown with a tinge of purple and it's so perfect and in mint condition!

Work with me here. I'm a girl, most of us love shopping. It's like in our blood or something. My mom's one of those rare females who can't step foot in a mall without cringing.

Anyway, the hard part was sneaking everything home and into my room. My dad, thankfully, was having his daily tea ceremony ritual so he was too busy monitoring the boiling teapot. Sadly, my mom ambushed me before I could open my door and gave me this stare that said "what a horrible daughter, i think you're going to leave us bankrupt". I am repentant.

My bad mood vanished after I'd tried on my purchases though. You'd think that I'd have a little more sense but no, shopping is a cheap thrill. Gives me a temporary high, and we're all after that high.

Oh and my brother's made pizza so I'm going to grab a slice before he eats it all. I'm still bitter about that French toast incident. The pizza smells delicious though. Cheese makes everything better. I am dead serious.




you wrote my name on my palm
in a language i didn't understand

actually, i don't know if you were telling the truth
about that being my name
but i liked the way the ink bled
into the life line and the heart line

i had to wash it off for lunch
so i guess i'll never really know


you laughed at me when i drank
sweet drinks for children and girls
who had trouble getting straws out of their plastic wrapping

and your face was blank
as you took tiny sips

how does it taste like?

it's too sweet
too sweet so i have to drink it in slowly
filling my mouth just the barest inch

you shouldn't have tried it
you're not used to this

you're wrong
it tastes familiar
it tastes like you
i sip slowly


you would watch me sift through leaves
three leaved three leaved
beside a rusted water pipe

chanting four four four
so i wouldn't forget

saying you've been watching too many movies
real life means never finding the four leaved clover

at the end
i'd show you empty hands
and you'd lead me back not knowing
about the ones in my pocket

three leaved and three leaved
i wanted them to be lucky too


now you're just a fading afterthought


Breakfast Monologues

If I didn't love my brother so much, I would never share my food with him. Case in point, I bought French toast for dinner and the next morning's breakfast. This was because I had gotten back late at night and my mom hadn't made anything for me. That was okay, because I love this French toast, they make it with peanut butter and honey(!!!).

My brother's had his dinner, and he's watching TV when I get back. I stick the toast in the microwave, change into comfy clothes, get the toast out and plop onto the couch to eat it.

"Is that... French toast?"
mmhmm. (chewing)
"The really good one with peanut butter and honey?!"
mmhmm. (still chewing)

So I think, why not, because I'm not that hungry and he's not had any for a long time as well. Plus, he loves it almost as much as I do.

ok. here's half of it.
"Wow thanks!"

And he proceeds to eat it in two bites. ("Heaven!!1!!")

The next morning, he's eating cookies and milk when I wake up. I take the other piece of French toast out from the refrigerator, zap it in the microwave, then head to the breakfast table.

"Is that French toast?"
... (I'm reminded of last night, and am slightly wary) yes.
"The one with..."
yes yes, it's the same one you had last night.
"If I could... maybe just a little... umm... (cue sad face and puppy dog eyes)
*resigned sigh* here's your half.

I am left feeling immensely dissatisfied and wanting my rightful share of French toast. Where is the justice in this world?


Cut Throat

My brother baked bread today. It was brioche, and the pig that is me finished half of it. Before it had even cooled! Sigh... but I spread this herb and cheese mix on it that was heavenly. OMG I am getting hungry again just thinking about it.

D you pig, stop eating so much. My parents tell me that all my eating is going to catch up to me one day, and I'll wake up with a belly the size of Japan. Ok. Great... something else to cut back on.

Here's a list.

Things to cut back on:

1. Shopping for clothes/books/groceries/everything else
2. Procrastinating
3. Computer/Internet time
4. Sleeping
5. Eating

So basically I'm going to have to cut back on everything I do. Wonderful. Number 4 is easy, I usually get six hours of sleep in two days during the exams. Yes, I know it's unhealthy, but I thrive on self torture. I get some sort of weird buzz trying not to fall asleep while writing a 1200 word essay.

Oh and my dimple is getting more pronounced! I started off without one, but it's getting more obvious. Why? It's on my right cheek, and I actually quite like it. I hope it stays. I want a matching one on the left. Symmetry, it's the new black.

Ugh, that was really lame. Actually, I hate it when people say xyz is the new black because it sounds so cliched. Hahahaha hypocrisy at its best here. See sidebar for clarification if unsure.

Anyway I'm going to go wash my face and finish this Nancy Drew book that I've actually already read before. This is when you're supposed to praise me for rereading and not buying new books. Oops, I nearly deleted this post. I'll take that as a sign that I've been rambling too much, so g'night!

Wounds That Heal

You walked up to me this morning, while I was trying to understand what I had written in the corner of my notes. I was sitting down, but my head was bent, so I didn't see you. You put your papers and your case on my lap, so I couldn't move without dropping everything and causing a scene. Then you leaned down so we were eye to eye, blocking me from everyone. Four weeks I went without your voice. Four weeks I wouldn't look at your face.

'Will you wait?'

But I left, because I kept remembering everything. So many words and sounds and pictures floating in an abyss of memories. Four weeks ago, I wrote this on my mirror. Then I wrote it on my arm, just to be safe.

i want to be happy
this is all i am asking for

I cannot return to a place where I cried so much that I would fall asleep still crying, and wake up with the tears still forcing their way out. It is only human nature to love and to want love in return, but I am utterly defeated by my inability to function without you. Being with you, around you, it sweeps me up in this hurricane of emotions that end up tearing me apart from within. I need to know that I mean something to someone who will love me without the one step forward two steps back, the tentative affection and the emotional detachment. I am the kind of person who gives it all, no holds barred, I surrender everything. You can either take it or leave it. And you left it.

Which is why, at the end of the day, you are not that someone. And this, all this, is the reason why I didn't wait. Because you are not worth waiting for any longer. I want to be happy. This is all I am asking for.



Two more exams, two more exams! Then my freedom will be handed back to me, hopefully along with a hefty allowance. Also, I will be going out with friends today to watch something our former high-school is putting on. I do wonder what I should wear, because I don't think that my usual top and shorts combo will work. It's a really snobby private school (jeans are super frowned upon!) so probably some skirt or a dress. Sigh. I wish I had something new to wear. Hee. Yep, I just won't learn. I wonder if most girls have minds that work this way. I know my closet is pretty big, but every time I look at it to pick out something new to wear, there doesn't seem to be anything appropriate. How strange.

Well, the point is that I probably should stop wanting more clothes and be happy with what I have. I'm going to look for something to wear from my own wardrobe, especially because there are probably twenty dresses in there that I haven't worn. Actually I'm pretty sure it's more than twenty. Yeah, how embarrassing. I have to change my ways.

I'm wearing a plaid knee length dress with my fairy sweater!!! And plaid flats hahaha... No really, I have this sudden urge to dress like Christmas wrapping paper. Which is good. Trust me on this. I'm going to wrap my shiniest ribbon around my head just to play my part to the fullest. Hopefully the headmistress will be there. She'll definitely disapprove, but since I'm not in school anymore, I don't care. I want to walk past her and watch her eyes pop out.


Now The One You Once Loved Is Leaving

a month
is a long time
when you think about it
your eyes your mouth
i do remember
but the relief i feel
from the not talking and
walking away
keeps me from running
back to hold you
by breaking me
you've made me whole again
goodbyes aren't forever
to answer your question
i am happy
this is not a mistake


Grow Up And Blow Away

never stop talking about your problems
even when it should be my turn
just for a while

hide things from me
but expect me to know about them
convincing yourself i had figured it out
all that time ago

can't understand when i'm honest
so i make up lies to satisfy you

make me sad
when your words are hurtful
which is most of the time
even though you say you never want them to be

need to back off
while i think this through


this is for someone who used to be a friend, but wouldn't act like one. it was nice knowing you.



I wonder, do you know what it's been like? Even in your absence, I find myself doing what you'd have wanted me to. It's your voice I can't stop hearing in my head. When I'm in front of the mirror, trying on a new dress, I bounce between disapproval and contentment. You would like this colour. You would not.

Which brings us to the sweater. I threw it out, almost. Then I put it at the back of the closet, where I wouldn't see it. It was my favourite, you (and everyone else) said it made me sparkle. Now I'm waiting for it to be buried beneath a layer of dust and abandonment, so the next time it emerges, I will have the heart to burn it.

The music's on repeat, the drinks don't make me forget anymore. My pen is emptying as the ink pours onto paper. I can't stop this writing, it's what's keeping me sane. The symptoms are disappearing, and soon you will too. Bit by bit, I will release. This will fade. No more thinking of you.


On The Floor

I finally got around to reading 'The Little Prince' the other day, and it was amazing. Right at the part where the little prince gets ready to depart Earth, I found myself crying silently. It had been a very long and disappointing day so I wondered, was it from all the stress and sadness? Or was that part really touching? Sometimes I do feel as if I don't cry for certain things just because they're sad, but only because they give me a reason to really cry. I don't know how to explain this, so we'll just leave it at that.

And Obama won, which is a revelation and revolution all by itself. To have the ability to place so much hope and trust in someone is simply wonderful. I hope that he manages to carry out his responsibilities to his fullest extent. America should be so happy.