28.10.08

Glory Take A Shot

Please someone, make it so that no one in this world should have to take exams. God bless the person who succeeds.

Well, the only good thing about this week are the dresses I bought (8!). And the amazing toffee chocolate crunch cookies I can't stop eating. Oh, and I met my cousin's girlfriend. She seems pretty nice, but a bit superficial. Still, I have to feel a little guilty for not liking her based on hearsay. I am so ashamed, cause I don't usually do that. But this just goes to show that everyone can jump to conclusions. Still, I'm going to be a little wary, just in case. Girls are good at this bitchy two face pretense sometimes.

Oh yes, being a female is hazardous business. Did I mention she's a raging feminist and nearly bit my head off for an innocent comment. Now I can be a feminist too but hmm, it was only a joke. Something about a woman's place being in the kitchen. I am never telling that one again.

Edit: My mom doesn't really like her behaviour because she's really loud and a bit too touchy feely in front of everyone. She was stroking his face and my mom wasn't amused. Then when she tried to match make my brother with her sister, there was an awkward moment. "She should learn to shut up."

Sigh. See what I mean about being two faced, because my mom was pretending to like her. Women.

26.10.08

Miscommunication

there is a pile of letters under my bed that i wrote to you, before this all ended. at first, i thought of burning them, symbolizing a cleansing rebirth. but then i thought, one day i'd like to remember you, because i really did love you in my own way. so here you are.


29.06.08

the ink in my pen is almost dry
from the effort as i try
to put my feelings into words
lovelovelove is all that comes out
and it is without a doubt that
this is all i truly want to say
but do you know that it is not enough?
i want the epiphany when you
awake with gasping breaths
realization that we were entwined perfectly
i need you to see my face
when you go to sleep and then i'll
give you my heart to keep
it's yours for as long as you want
then you can wrap it up again in
gold and gilt and guilt
hand it back carelessly so it slips
from your fingertips and
my love slowly seeps away
for good



25.07.08

i don't smoke
i've never held a cigarette in my life
but you do these things to me
that make me sit under neon lights
on dirt encrusted steps in dingy hallways
while you take drags on nicotine sticks
and breathe smoke into the air
it curls around my hair, my
neck, tendrils of grey and white
as i try not to breathe in
it's hard to wash the smell off
just like your scent always lingers on me
but night after night
i watch you inhale deeply
and i wish i was worth
giving it up for



24.08.08

you are the wonder i sip slowly
in tiny shot glasses
the faster i drink you in
the more intoxicating you become



20.09.08

in the song you made me listen to
was this sound of an
erratic heartbeat
i put my hand to your chest
and there it was again
do you know that my breath catches
every time i hear that song



06.10.08

i was going to send you a letter
i'd even written out the whole thing and bought the envelope
but i didn't post it
well, one reason would be not having your address with me since i lost it
fuck
but mostly because i need to say it to you, face to face
so you know exactly what i'm trying to tell you
this is about feelings
you can't understand unless you're here, listening and watching
it goes beyond words for me, i just can't put them together
i guess this really shows how much my self medicating worked, huh?
i try try try but i'm still the same useless piece of junk
how ridiculously easy it was to forget that i used to tell everyone
just work a little harder at it, it'll turn out fine
do you know that i write to myself a lot these days?
i can't seem to grasp why my hand just wants to let all these words flow out
where did they come from
please come home
i need you



25.10.08

Easy Lucky Free

Sigh, I really have nothing against Stephenie Meyer but I hate her books being forced down my throat by almost every female I know. I do have a few things to say about this global sensation, and I've listed them down numerically, so you can go through them nice and slowly, my Twilight obsessed friends.

1. Edward Cullen/Jacob Black/every other Twilight character is fictional! They don't exist, so I don't need to hear about you being so jealous that Bella whatshername found the perfect guy and blablabla.

2. I'm not watching the movie.

3. I'm not buying the books.

4. No, I'm not into dressing up as the Cullens for Halloween.

5. I'm sick of everything Twilight!

And now that this is over, I'm going to do a few more exercises on Stats, then have some leftover pizza and cheese baked wedges that my brother tried to hide in the refrigerator. But it's pizza al funghi so I'm picking out all the mushrooms. Yuck.

Oh and I got a pair of pink shorts today. And this mosaic patterned ring. There is only so much abstaining from shopping that I can stand. Yeah, I have no self control. How shameless.

24.10.08

Withdrawal Symptoms


hello there,

it's been two weeks since we last saw each other. actually, that's not entirely true. i caught a glimpse of you in the hallway, where the lights don't work. you walked through a door, and i went in another. it was a scene from a movie, really. i couldn't see your face in the shadows, but i knew you were looking right at me.

i'm so bad at picking up the phone, or even keeping it with me at all times. so i still endure halting moments when my breath catches in my throat, because i see your name on my screen. once twice five. the calling back is the hardest part, there are those awkward pauses that fill with the sound of our breathing. then the tentative hellos and apologies. not once do i ask why you called in the first place, and you're too far gone to care. do you plan it so there's always laughter in the background, and the sound of skin upon skin and silk?

fourteen days have stretched into an eternity, in which i bleed ink onto countless diary pages and smudged fingers. locks of hair and candy wrappers you imprinted in my memory, forever stored with sticky tape on blank white sheets of paper. you were my drug, and this is the withdrawal. symptoms too harsh and random that i cannot anticipate the next or the aftermath.

yesterday, i tore out scraps from my thoughts, tried to erase you forever. but it's also making me throw away the little things about me. our favourite colour is green. we like the number thirteen. if i let these go, i let a part of me go. another part that wasn't you to begin with, but melded and moulded to you as i fell. now they are so tightly entwined that i cannot give one up without losing the other. but i am prepared to. i can choose a new favourite colour, silver blue purple. i will give this up.

i want to scream it in your face - this is what you made me, but see, i still live. i dream about you watching yourself in the mirror, expecting to see me next to you. do you? do you miss me? i tell myself, this is what i get for refusing to believe that i am so much better than this. or i was, once.

there should be a nicotine patch for these things, because someone would make millions off it. that hole in your heart? just fix it with this. there, good as new. addiction cured.

so this is the end of the letter that you'll never read, because it's just like you to close your eyes and pretend that everything's good, that we've both moved on. maybe that's why this isn't complete, because i can't put everything i feel into words, just like you can never say to me what you truly want to.

but after some time, i want to say 'i forgive you', and really mean it, because all this grief and anger are too draining. and i have come to believe that when i do, you will hold my hand like you used to, and we will laugh at old jokes and retarded sneezes. then we will sit down, you listening to my music, while i listen to you.

and the pain in my chest subsides.

15.10.08

Get This, Hilarity Ensues

So Math was today, and I know I should be studying but I wanted to get this down first. After the exams, which were very tough(!), I walked over to the back of the hall to pick up my bag and books. At that very moment, I heard one of the invigilators shouting. Apparently they were trying to return all the cellphones that had been handed in for safekeeping. They'd been labelled with our particulars. And then, this happened.

"Sid of Class ***, where are you?! Could you come get your phone?!"

So I ran to the front.

oh hi! that's my phone. thanks.
"You're Sid?"
yeah. umm can i please have my phone back?
*still holding my phone* "You're Sid?"
yes, i am.
"Well... could I see identification?"
err... ok. *produces student card*
"Ah, alright. Here's your phone, Miss umm Sid."

Then I walk back and NB is laughing his head off, having heard the whole thing.

"He didn't expect you to come walking up! Hahahahaha! He must've thought, what the hell is this girl doing here trying to steal a phone in broad daylight."
...
"Oh D, don't be sad. You actually have a very open and trustworthy face. Actually no. You just look gullible and childish. Maybe you shouldn't laugh so much."

Is it any wonder I'm always in some kind of trouble? It's bad enough I hang out with idiots (ahem J, NB), but my name and behaviour and looks seem to attract nonsense like this. For once, I would like to go through exams without being cross examined and made fun of.

10.10.08

The Saddest Song


he makes you laugh
everyone says this
but do they know
you make me cry too?

yesterday was a mistake
oh yes
your jokes are still funny
and i'm going to miss you
pressed up against me
watching and waiting
for my body to respond

i read this again
last night
and i held my breath
for if i could
i'd sing these words
to you

'you learn
with every goodbye
you learn'

8.10.08

Juvenile Delinquent

It has been the most tiring and depressing week. Nothing has gone right. Everyone's falling sick, which is terrifying considering the exams are just next week. That's right, the AS exams are here! More wonderful news I have never heard. Can you feel the sarcasm just overflowing from me?

Well, this obviously spells out the beginning of a month or so long hiatus from this blog. My best friends must now be the calculator and the mountain of papers in my room.

My brother taught me a little math trick. Take a three digit number, we'll call it A. Then flip this number, we'll call the new number B. Take the larger number of the two, and deduct the smaller number from it. This product is C. Now flip C around as well, to form the number D. Then add C to D and... the answer is always 1089 no matter which number you choose. Oh, if C is a two digit number, just imagine that it's still a three digit number that just starts with a zero, and you'll get D. I think I'll demonstrate.

Example:

A = 221
B = 122

A is the larger number, so it's A - B.

A - B = C
= 099
D = 990
C + D = 099 + 990
= 1089!!!

I know, some of you might think it's lame but I happen to be amused and intrigued by little things like this.

So now I must go organise my notes and make my last supper. And mourn over the impending loss of sleep and hair. And shopping trips. =(

6.10.08

On One Wish

this fading heartbeat it sings
for all the love that you bring
i keep recalling those
words you spoke
the stay please, the wait and see
the could be would be should be
the love me just love me

washing acid off my fingers
your panic outweighed mine
but i'll be fine
i laughed
'shut up and hold still'
how do i argue with that?
'just don't'

maybe i won't give up just yet
you can stop smiling now


5.10.08

Cloudburst


you kept asking
"do i mean nothing to you?"
but i still remember
slow dances and the endless search
for four leaved clovers
because i wanted a wish

my paper heart won't last
and given a chance
i'd like my heartbeat back

so i'd answer your question but
i already have

4.10.08

Medication Unit

I have finished my unbelievably thick book of Chemistry questions! I am so proud of myself. Perhaps I should buy some more new clothes as a reward! What does the family say to this?

The mother says "I'm so proud but do you need more clothes? I think not."

The brother says " NO NO NO DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE A MILLION DRESSES AND BLOUSES?!"

The father says "..."

So it's unanimous, we are going shopping for new old clothes today or tomorrow or whenever they stop nagging.

3.10.08

How Refreshing

I am trying to be patient but it is very hard when your hair is dripping wet, you're already 15 minutes late for an appointment and the hair dryer is mysteriously not working (after your brother borrowed it and returned it just 2 minutes later hmm I wonder why).

Well, I guess it helps if you've got new clothes to wear. =D The mother was being unusually generous with her money and shelled out enough to pay for three jackets, a T-shirt, a dress and a skirt. Ahh I feel so loved.

I had Indian food last night at this restaurant that we haven't been to in a while. Usually I don't like the food but I did this time. I chose to have a naan, which was quite crispy and chewy at the same time. Perhaps the chef's changed. Or maybe I was too tired from the road trip.

So I am now reading a food blog and well, I shouldn't really be doing so because I am getting very hungry right now. As always, I will end my blogging with a furious dash to the fridge, so I can find something to eat.

Ok there was nothing in the fridge so I'm going to have to make a tough decision. Wait for the mother to return from her charity drive or cook(!) something by myself. Actually I think I'll go organize my wardrobe and do some revision to distract my stomach.

1.10.08

I Am Your Whatever

We've been given a short break from college, so the first thing I did to celebrate was eat a whole plate of pasta and three slices of pizza. Good thing I have my dad's genes, I'd die of a heart attack without his metabolism. Actually that isn't true cause skinny people can get cardiovascular diseases so let me rephrase. I'm happy that I can still fit into my clothes.

Sigh sometimes I think I would die if I woke up one day and discovered that my clothes were all too tight. Now if they were loose, that'd be a different story *insert insane cheering*.

The second thing I did was go shopping. Big surprise. When I was at a flea market the other day, my friend rang up and we had a very long conversation while I browsed the stalls, until...

"... so then I said I'm hungry, and we ended up going for dinner."
haha that's good. i'm always hungry.
" Yeah, everyone knows that. Hey, I never asked, what are you doing right now?"
shopping.
"..."
" But it's so quiet and HEY HOW DO YOU SHOP WHILE TALKING?!"
i use my hands to pick stuff up and my eyes to take a good look at things. i don't have to taste it you know...
" WTF you're always shopping. Don't you do normal stuff like study or watch the television?"

In my defense I spend less money than most people I know, because I like bargains. I can't bear people who like to pay full price and look down on people who don't. Not all of us like to fork out more of our parents' money if we can help it. Yeah, did you forget that you're not the one earning the cash you're so proud of?

Right now I feel like having sushi and udon. But there's no one around to drive me to the nearest Japanese restaurant. This makes me sad. And hungrier. Grr must go raid fridge for leftover pizza.