Private Affair

You weren't even the one who let me know. He let it slide into the conversation, cautiously and smoothly. Scanning my face for signs of a breakdown. Watching, waiting. Trying to make it as painless as possible.

'So, what do you think of her?'
Who's she?
'His new... ahem.'
Umm yeah.
She's nice.
I like her smile.



'I don't like her too.'

I never expected this to happen so soon. Obviously I was wrong. Like always. But anyways, good luck. Really.


Modesty Is The Best Policy

Saturday was a great day!

Spent it with the girls from college. We went out intending to scout for cheap stuff to sell at our jumble sale but I managed to get some things for myself!

Not a lot, mind you, because we were really busy running around trying to find expensive looking items that were actually cheap. Not everyone could agree on the items to buy, so in the end they ended up forcing me to make the final decisions.

But on the bright side, it has been established that I have good taste.

On to the purchases, which are a pitiful few but I am quite satisfied.

~ a peach cardigan with little roses on it. it's made out of the softest cotton and has the loveliest stitching pattern.
~ this summery dress with bright flowers on it, and it's even got a lining. how many cheap dresses have that?
~ a huge leathery bag that makes me very happy because I can fit all my stuff into it.

Am off to giggle happily to V, and thank him for the beautiful card he sent, along with the best drawing in the world. Sigh, this sort of helps to ease the pain of Friday. See people, is there nothing that retail therapy cannot cure?


I Could Be Happy

Thank you everyone for trying to make my birthday a great day.

It wasn't perfect. In fact, it was absolutely trying and exhausting. I didn't even have time to think about myself or what I wanted. At the end of the day, I barely managed to crawl into bed. And where were my proper cake and candles?!

But this is part of growing up, and I'm going to take it as it is. I can only hope next year won't be such a circus parade of events.

I still wish I was 17. But 18 is a good number too. Fingers crossed. Toes too.


Emblems of Sanity

and there i was
standing still with my arms outstretched
the expectant smile
wearing the too big shirt
that you'd never seen me in before

'you're different today'
not true
'what's wrong?'
i just want
i feel
nothing is all
'is it me then?'

'is it me?'

it wasn't

now will you stay?


Sinking Feelings

Edit: I'm done being bitter now. I'm actually happy for N, and I think she worked really hard for this so congratulations and good job.

Sigh. I wish I took things less seriously. I need to think before leaping. So, look forward to more ambiguously emo posts. =D

Big day tomorrow! Am going to see NZ again and help out in the Treasure Hunt/Race. Then off to my high school for the awards. W finally called, after months, just to tell me to go. This makes me happy yet slightly upset.

Oh God, must run off to buy a dress and shoes tomorrow. Wish me luck!


Word Games

i just realized
we're so awkward around each other now
how we danced and edged our way through the words
and the bitten off sentences we never finished
so now i'm wondering

that cold empty room we'll sit in
just us both
while the hours melt away
do you think we'll make it?

will you tell me that joke again?
the one that made me laugh
the first time
the last time
then we'll pretend we've just met

and maybe
we'll take off the headphones for once
the music sighs into the air and oh look
it's the same damn song
it's like you always said

i breathe in happiness
but halcyon moments


Have You Passed Through This Night?

infinity stretches.
i watch the curve of your cheek,
the bones in your fingers,
reach for me.
thin air,
i'm not there.
your charcoal smudged lines,
that self portrait,
i tore it up.
it means nothing.

he likes the brighter colours,
the emeralds,
the rubies,
the inspiration that whispers invitingly,
when you're alone,
that is.
here is a dream,
take it.
it means nothing.

bare feet on cold tiled floors,
those sharp scissors to your hair,
black on white marble.
i remembered once,
in a fog of expensive perfume and cheap lies,
to breathe.
it means nothing.

you loved that phrase,
starry eyed,
reflections of night time,
does it make you sad,
that ceiling with the chandelier.
they're almost the same,
but not quite,
not at all.
it means nothing.


Dipped In Milk

Music to cry to as the soul forgets.
Music to forget to as the soul cries.

Which one?

My hands are increasingly twitchy, I broke my delicate chain today while tugging at the pendant. I have this maddening urge to write and write until my fingers bruise. I think I saw a television program about someone like this once. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone with this. Sometimes all I want to do is scribble, because endless words float in my head, begging me to use them, choose them. My friends used to have to tear the paper and pen away from me, because I would do this unconsciously but frantically, as if my survival depended on it.

There's this overwhelming taste of deja vu, it lingers around my every move. I can walk into a room and feel like I've been there before, listen to a snippet of conversation that I already know the ending to. This is slowly affecting my ability to anticipate and react, because I'm so unsettled by every single thing I do. My life has become this constantly rewinding tape that plays on with static, I am slowly drowning.

I made everyone in class laugh at my fervent efforts to stop animal cruelty, and also because I kept trying to find the good in a hopeless situation. I managed to see the funny side to this, but I do like to be taken seriously sometimes. I do think that, if it were not for my height (5"9ish), I would be treated like a child all the time. As it is, I am called childish everyday, but at least I can stand up and not feel so small.

I know it's not helping that the songs I listen to on constant rotation make me feel like throwing myself off a cliff. I swear I'm making this effort to find tunes to dance to, but 'The Purple Bottle' only goes so far before I start to spin again, my head. People sew the word 'vague' to me now, because of my memory, my words. My existence.

It's sad, but I'm not jewel toned any more. I've been bleaching everything away and now the fading shows. Like that dress I loved until I brushed my bloody hand on it. The fingerprints are gone now, but so is the essence. I am an empty shell, a ghost in the shell. Maybe if, you put me to your ear, you can hear the ocean. Did you know I am afraid of water when I can't see where it begins and ends? An ocean of tears, then.

Do you think that it's wise to go to sleep if you're really tired and you start seeing circles everywhere? Nightmares wait for me, I'm coming.


Why Is There Blood Running In My Coffeestream?

Today was eventful because I ran to the washroom six times in a duration of three hours. Those water bottles are really taking a toll on me. On an average, I probably drink eight glasses of water in college alone. Eight more when I'm home, making it a grand total of sixteen glasses. Why am I such a thirsty freak?

Was quite unamused yesterday because I had to have brunch with the boys instead, as the girls were in class. They are disgusting slobs sometimes, and PB can be really rude. J was still hovering (read: still had those gross cough drops in hand), CB was very talkative and SC was the only one who was remotely sane. So I opted to keep up a stream of conversation with him, and in return he showed me some hilarious essays that made me laugh non stop. Also, found out that none of them think I can cross the road by myself still, which I did not find as funny as they did.

And J decided to repay the favour by tagging along with the girls today during break (the guys were busy this time), although he was quite content with hijacking my iPod, eating my chocolate buttons, and shamelessly copying off my Math homework. Also, he isn't really close with any of them (the girls), so he was glued to my side and annoyed me with his stupid jokes and constant ribbing. Annoying!

The library looks more appealing by the day. I'm quite sure I'll end up choosing to spend my free periods there instead of fending off lame puns. But can you see how much I actually love these idiots?

On a side note, the cafeteria has the grossest food. I'm a huge pig when it comes to food, but even I don't like eating there. The variety, quality and quantity suck. I am seriously considering packing a lunch from home so I don't have to stand at the counter waiting for a burnt waffle and ignoring the feeble attempts of weird cashiers to flirt.

And I'll be spending my birthday doing things I don't want to. Being stuck at a booth during the treasure hunt/ adventure race the college is organizing for starters. With only SC for company because he's the reason I won't be running around with the other losers. Then there's the high school prize giving ceremony that they're informing me of at the very last minute. I say informing because I've not actually gotten the call (my fault partly, I don't pick up the phone sometimes). Sigh. Happy Birthday?

Friday. Friday. Next Friday. I wish, I really do, that time would stop on the 24th of July. I would be 17. And I would be happy.


and he tells me it's fine to breathe,
it's alright to let go.
screw you.
pity is not love,
didn't you say it once?
take it away,
i'm not helpless,
i'm not alone.
cast your eyes somewhere else,
don't give me your sympathy,
guilt remains.
your words don't tape over the hurt.
not one goddamn bit.


Perfumed Lies

Your tears, they took me back
to this place where I once
danced hand in hand with
someone who smelled of sun

and dewdrops but was never
truly happy. The songs we
sang were out of tune but
beautiful without a doubt

because when we sang, they
would echo in our hearts
where they belonged. But
why did you lose that

voice, that epiphany burst
of sound and melody that
was always good enough.
The grass that we lay in

was green gold, it was soft
and it laughed as we ran
feet bare hair loose on it,
wishing on falling leaves

and chasing sunlight through
the dappled trees and sweet
cold shadows until we fell to
the ground to the grass again.

Then you whispered your dreams
pale wisps of pastels that you
entwined with mine: ruby and
emerald, gems of ambition of

promise; you held in your mouth
the future, our future oh my
darling where did it go? As I
watch your eyes brim with

unsaid words and emotions I
crumble inside, you lost the key
to the treasure chest you call
a heart but please remember a

heart is something you hold with
the lightest of touches, the
gentlest of sighs, the briefest
of kisses, so as not to break

the thing you deem most valuable.
Priceless is a price you pay for
caring about those who do not
understand the difference

between want and need when it is
so clear that your lips are
tired from the i love yous
and love me please. So when you

leave, just let me look into
those eyes again for they say
they are the windows to the soul
and let me be the judge. They

say the heartless have black
pools for eyes that tar over their
being and spirit so it never
breathes happiness or the

incredible lightness of embracing
love as it is given to them.
And look your eyes they are pools
of ink that I dip my pen in

to embroider your name on paper
until my fingers bruise and
break under the hopelessness
of it all. See how I bleed,

watch me, watch you. Your tears
drip fairytales that never
existed, the castles you built
on clouds too high up that

you tore my wings away just to
get there. But you always
forget that you can't sew, your
stitches were faulty, they broke

at the seam, at the blades and
you fell to the ground at my
feet where I gathered your broken
bones and cradled your face

and breathed you in, I was right.
You smell like the sun and
dewdrops, so I held you closer
and watched you open your mouth
then smile, then smile. Then smile.


Ephemeral Love

The moments alone are the best ones, when I am floating between dreams and reality, walking the tightrope that borders the two. Neither feels like fantasy or fact, but both are unbelievably true. Falling doesn't seem possible.

Can you duplicate the crinkling of eyes as forbidden laughter bubbles out from between lips that have never really smiled? And I mean really really. Have you ever? I don't think so. Could you recreate that sound again but without me? You say no. Lift the corners of your mouth and get caught up in the happiness that comes from everywhere within you. Breathless with anticipation, giddy with promises. That is what euphoria tastes like.

You can match me step for step, pacing yourself to slow down and keep up at the same time, but I'll always linger behind. I dawdle, I imagine, I wait. Dragging my feet and unwilling to move until I'm done. That's not you, don't you understand? You wear a watch, two. I trace shadows to tell time. Sometimes.

Of course, you can whisper my name all you want, wrap your tongue around each letter so it comes out perfect. You've even slipped into these shoes, your pen scrawls words that used to mean something, over and over again.

Dreams aren't what they used to be, I've even forgotten your face now. You've become one of the crowd, you know what I mean. The faceless people who aren't really faceless at all, but I just can't place them anywhere. I once knew them, I once knew you. Past tense, not present.

Like how I used to blame you. And like how you used to hold me when I laughed, because you wanted to grasp happiness in your arms. I still laugh though.


Confusion Sets In

I'm sick. And it's all thanks to J, who sits next to me during a few classes. He's been down with the flu but refused to stay home, so he ended up coughing and sneezing on me! By accident, I know, but leave me to my bitterness. Sigh.

At first I was alright, but come Wednesday, I'd began to have a slightly sore throat. By Thursday afternoon, my voice was gone and I was really nauseous (and had thrown up in the morning). And J had the nerve to suggest that I go home in the middle of lab, even though he too was clearly still sick, albeit much less than before.

But it was really touching seeing J so racked with guilt over infecting me that he kept hovering around like a mother hen. Gross sentence structure but yeah. I still have no idea where he managed to get so many varieties of cough drops, which he kept shoving into my mouth. I hate medicinal cough drops, so you can imagine the torture.

Then came this conversation.

MT - My Math lecturer
D - Me
Y, PY and CB are my friends.

MT: D, what does *** mean? Could you explain it to the class?
D: *points to throat and shakes head*
Y: She lost her voice.
MT: Oh dear. Lost her voice? Where'd it go? Who took it?
Class: ...
CB: Ahem, J!
MT: *apparently ignoring everyone* There's this story I heard of once, about a girl who also had a beautiful voice and lost it for the one she loved. And she could swim too. Do you know this story?
Class: ...
PY: *excitedly* The Little Mermaid! The Little Mermaid!
Y: Loser.
Class: ...
MT: Yes, the Little Mermaid. So D, are you Ariel? *grins slyly* Did you give your voice up for J?
D: *hissing in a broken voice* Noooo... Are you mad?!

*cue laughter and the descent of D's face into her satchel under the pretense of looking for her water bottle*

My lecturers are insane. Just a few days ago, I had to sing a few pieces for the music director, and one of them was a nursery rhyme. Being really bored, I changed to lyrics to slightly darker ones after I was done and had to wait for my evaluation. He said I looked and sounded like I belonged in some Gothic nightmarish fairytale for kids. The childlike voice and mannerisms paired with a twisted (but sweet!) smile and my fiddling with sharp objects. And then, he added that I should audition for a Tim Burton movie. Joy.

I don't like violence, mind you, and blood makes me sick. Seeing someone's arm get torn/cut off in a film causes me to grab for my own arm, which will start to twitch angrily. Mmhmm, I'm weird, I know. Didn't you read my last post? This might not be a good time to reveal that I just sliced off five inches of my hair and gave myself pseudo bangs. I'm quite proud really, it was my first ever attempt and I went out in public without anyone staring for too long so I deserve mad props.

I am so proud of myself right now too, the second box of tissues is empty already. My nose just won't stop running. Hee I feel like if my brain were a little less numb, I could come up with a pun to go with that sentence.

There's this game that I want to install right now, cause it seems like the least depressing way to pass the time. The sad thing is, my mom just came back from the deli with food but I can't smell/taste anything. This flu is annoying. Okay, I'm going to blow my nose then I'll be back to press the OK button so I can play my game in peace but just before that I'll click publish...


Sad Sad City

I am so tired right now. Sitting here lotus style, surrounded by papers and books and three laptops. The only thing running through my mind is 'finish the assignment then kill your group leader', because yes, it has happened. Last minute delegation is a sin! And so is having the most restrictive topic ever. I'm struggling to fit points into my presentation, mainly because I have no idea whether they're relevant or not.

Because ChocoBanana is always one of the best combinations ever. Case in point, Pocky Banana and Chocolate sticks. And Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. Eating the former in class was a bad idea, because J ambushed me with an 'i love you and if you love me you'll share'. The pig. And then I find out that he'd made himself my phone's display picture while I was busy fiddling with the microscope during lab. Moments like these make me wonder why. Why?

I need new glasses that can make me seem older. A says that these make me look twelve. Which, I will say, is a big step from 5, an age V thinks I'm stuck at. He says I have very childlike actions and speech. WF came up with a list of things I say all the time, and 97% of them are words preschool kids use. For example, the (apparently) babyish 'noooooo', the 'i didn't do it!' and the 'wheeeee this is fun!'. Umm... ok. I had no idea I speak like this but everyone's come out to agree with him so, fine.

I feel that these days, a load's been lifted off my shoulders because smiling comes easily now. Not that it didn't before, but I think the number of times I flash my teeth in a day has increased. I find myself gasping for breath sometimes when I laugh too much. If you were to ask me, I couldn't pinpoint the exact thing that's changed and made all this possible. I feel different, happier, but I can't tell in what way exactly. I don't care, good things are meant to be enjoyed and I refuse to waste time trying to find an answer to the question I asked rhetorically.

When the topic of weddings came up the other day, I was asked if mine would have flowers. I thought so intensely, you'd have thought that I was going to win a million dollars for getting it right. I chose lilies. And was told that they were taboo in a sense, because they symbolize death? Then I was called eccentric. Which is a nice way of saying weird, but I prefer that to predictable. Obviously I enhanced my new reputation by bursting into laughter every ten seconds.

Okay, the project is about done. I'm composing this entry between bouts of frantic typing. Fun.

In three weeks, I turn 18. I wish I didn't have to. I know it's so stupid to be worrying about this at such a young age but, when I never want to grow up really. Or is it really grow up. Which ever it is, I like my age as it is now, although I don't act it. Can you imagine me being 30 and still fluttering about like the 8 year old cooped up inside?

Fluttering, that's a good one. I like butterflies, can you tell? And wouldn't you know it, I'm done with the whole assignment. Celebration time!


Criminal Piece

Yes, because it's so hard to believe that you're not the only one who's changed.

BB and I went out for a movie and dinner to celebrate her freedom from exams and being home after six months. Six months. People change in six months. I did, I'm completely aware of that. My way of talking, dressing and attitude have had some adjustments made to them, mostly for the better. I use bigger words now, thanks to college and my lecturer constantly banging on about a wider vocabulary range. And I've gotten a better dress sense, although my mom is quite concerned that my shorts and skirts are getting shorter. I'm not exposing anything, I swear. They're of a decent length, just not a length she's used to. My attitude's something that's hard to describe, although I will say that my confidence has received a well needed boost and I'm a lot more easygoing and thoughtful. I used to snap back and talk before thinking. Now, I like to shut my mouth more often.

BB's changed too. She's more sarcastic and mature (read: even more easily annoyed by my constant laughing and indecisiveness). The sarcasm I can take, mainly because I'm able to match it when she starts. But this maturity thing, I'm not so sure about. She laughs off and belittles a lot of the things I say and do now, because she thinks I'm just joking or being childish. It's not really nice. And I told her that, so I hope she understands and stops treating me like I'm stupid. If there's one thing I hate, it's people being condescending. Really, my insecurities are obviously not something I want anyone mocking.

But ok, I think I've really had enough of depressing things for a while. I mean, I've never seen my blog posts so full of emoness. Hmm... give me a second.

Oh, PP's birthday was on the 25th, but we didn't celebrate it. PP's my dog, by the way. We call her Dog, because she's so convinced she's human. She barges into rooms without any hesitation, and she never misses a chance to grumble at us. Seriously, she's really cute, but it's very annoying to come home from college and have her growl with this menacing expression, that only a treat would wipe off her face. Sigh. But she's the love of my life, and I am very happy that she's still here.

She turned 2, but that's 14 in doggy years. :( Another 1.5 years and she'll be older than me.

I'm officially the college's fall back girl when it comes to music. I've been asked to help in the annual musical as an assistant composer and main musician (piano/keyboard). Whee! More work! Actually I do miss the mad hustle and scramble we had while preparing for the Senior Graduation. The practices were super fun, even though they were completely hectic, but at least they gave us something to do. Now I've got too much time to think about things that I'd rather not remember. Perhaps this musical will be the solution I've been hoping for.

There's a flea market tomorrow, I really hope I'll be going. I've missed two in a row, and I'm regretting it because I'd put aside some money for these pendants that I'd seen. And the lady said that her stuff sells out fast, so I'm afraid that when I get there, they'll be gone. Then I'll know for certain that this really is a bad luck streak.

And exams are coming up again. I'm groaning at the thought of more papers flying in every direction as I attempt to cram every bit of knowledge into my dying brain. I mean, our previous exams were in May. The end of May. Last month. I can't take any more information in. And I've no idea what I'm supposed to be looking for every time I peer into the microscope or throw some chemicals together. I'm doomed.

I think I'll get a snack (as usual) and then head off to organize my notes. We've got this huge assignment that's due in a couple of days, and my team leader's not delegated anything to anyone. I think he's hoping that someone will tell him he's not actually in charge, and start handing out tasks. If he doesn't call by tomorrow, I'm going to murder him. Bye!