31.12.08

Anxious Searching

I'm finally off for a holiday with the family. The parents decided to give me the shopping spree I wanted while letting me take a break from stressing about results, and the brother wants to look at guitars(?). Thailand, here I come!

Oh and by the way, Happy New Year in advance everyone! Resolutions when I get back.

29.12.08

A Billion Heartbeats

Do you know what rock bottom is? It's me in Math class, spelling out your name in numbers on a broken calculator. Adding and subtracting and dividing and multiplying and looking for the magic figure that will piece me back together.

You are there in numbers, and I keep trying to solve an equation that will never ever make sense.

25.12.08

Sleigh Bells


Merry Christmas loves!

17.12.08

Much Has Been Said


i catch glimpses of you in

puddles on the sidewalks
over-sized lab coats
cold waffles in paper bags
ink blotches shaped like armadillos

conversations beginning with

'hey you
'hey hey you
'wanna go for a walk?
'but let's take the lift instead
'hey you you

and today someone had pressed the buttons
to all the floors
in my apartment building when
i got into the lift
so every time the door opened
there you were
in glimpses

16.12.08

Then The Clouds Will Open Up For Me


being in love with you
is like trying to count grains of sand
in an ocean of madness

because you are the reason
solely

why i scrape my thoughts out
exhaling fragments of speech and
love confessions and
regrets

while singing softly to myself
clutching a pillow
where your body used to be

and i sing of pale lips and
shut eyes

when you wouldn't look at me
moments of ephemeral perfection
i dusted them in sugar and honey

so they said to me
'you can always leave

i know once i said
letting go was not an option
but i have broken many promises

of all people
you should understand

---

i wrote this while drinking that really really sweet drink you always laughed at. the one you said only children loved, so that meant i was still a little girl. it made me remember that you tried it once, to see what being me felt like. then i said i wanted to see what being you was like, but you threw down your cigarette and told me to never ever hurt myself like that. and i watched the hollows of your ribs as you inhaled smoke and silent tears.

12.12.08

Memory and Honesty

post deleted

Because everyone deserves a second chance. Or a third. I might be a pushover, but I'm willing to listen to explanations and apologies before making up my mind.

9.12.08

Travel Light

I like this song a lot, and I find myself listening to it every few months or so. Joanna Newsom really makes me wish I could play the harpsichord. My brother likes her music too. Some people may find it grating and annoying, but it's very delightful to me. This isn't my favourite song of hers though, I love Sprout and the Bean.

My mom said I should probably warn people to turn down the volume on their speakers first. Can you tell that she hates this song?

7.12.08

Elephant


what colour would you dye your hair? you asked
black. i said
and you called me boring because my hair was
already black but i fought back
my hair is brown-black, which isn't the same thing
then you laughed at my answer and
said i was wrong

later as we watched birds
hurl themselves against
cage walls, i wanted to cry
i know what that feels like. i whispered
but you put your arms around me and said
no i didn't.

you were lacing up your shoes when
i woke from a dream
my hands found their way to yours
'you're not coming back, are you?'
but you shook your head so your
hair got in your eyes
then you pushed it back and kissed me

---

sometimes i hate being right

5.12.08

Green

i poured acid into a flask
mix heat mix cool
'that's supposed to be green' you said
but nothing i added could change
it to the colour it should have been
you winked at me and laughed
and that made all the difference

my dress matched your shirt perfectly
but i couldn't dance with you
your hand grasped mine so tightly
were you imagining yourself holding my heart?
the lights drenched us in neon green
afterward i watched you smoke half a stick
and i didn't breathe in once

last times never seem to be the last
i threw up on the green grass square
outside the room where you were crying
Abba was playing in the background
(don't go wasting your emotion)
i drank sugar water on the way home
but it was salty from all the tears


12/11/08

It's just my luck that we happened to share the same favourite colour, and how it happened to bind us together. Actually, I like blue much more now, and I'm not entirely convinced that you had nothing to do with this sudden change of mind.


3.12.08

Falling Slowly


perhaps hope
isn't the thing with wings

i think so because
we were thirteen floors up and
looking down at city lights

i wanted to believe
that you were holding my hand
not so that i wouldn't walk away

but because you didn't want me to fall
so i waited

still, i didn't feel hopeful
thirteen floors above
where hope couldn't fly

-

perhaps love
doesn't mean stale candy hearts and an
'iloveyou!!!' stuck to your back

nor the wet footprints
on pale cement

in the shape of a heart
that didn't look much like the one
i found in my biology textbook

it dried up in ten minutes
after the sun came up
now no one remembers that
it was there before

-

perhaps trust
wasn't the issue

promises are the emptiest of words
i will i won't we can we are

it's knowing that your call is
always left unanswered
because some girl who showed more skin
is lying on top of the phone

"sorry baby, i was busy (silk)
i had to do some stuff (upon skin)
i'll call you later (upon skin)"

2.12.08

Quietly

I wrote a whole post about you and not being able to forget and the constant comparing I've been doing of you to other guys and how every other relationship I'll ever have from now on will probably be cautious and not as carefree as they should be.

Then I deleted it.

I don't want to dwell too much on the negative, which is why I usually try to remember the good things. This is me telling myself that there were some of the happiest moments conceivable in that time, and that I should be grateful.

Actually there are a whole bunch of unedited entries that I haven't posted. I think I'll put them up one at a time until they're all gone. After that, I'll hopefully have no need to write any more.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't talk to you for so long. I'm sorry that I made you feel like the most horrible person on earth, though at that time, I really hated you. I'm sorry that I walked out on you all those times when you were trying so hard. I'm sorry that you couldn't be happy with me and for me. I'm sorry that I wasn't worth the effort in the end. I'm sorry that I left without saying a word, I should have told you.

You're far far away now, and I think we're both happier than we've been in quite a while. Before you left, you came over to sit by me, and I don't know how you always do it, but you made me laugh. And suddenly everything was normal again. It makes it easier to know that when you get back, I won't have to turn away.

I am happy for you, and her. She obviously doesn't like me, but who am I to judge? In her position, I would be doing much worse than ignoring. I'm pretty sure this will be your longest relationship to date, and you didn't have to ask - I'll be glad to give you a slap and bring you back to your senses if you stray.

It feels so good to be friends again. Now I can go back to making fun of your small town antics, and you can laugh at my discordant sneeze. I hated sneezing without you around.


27.11.08

Love All


we went bowling the other day
such an unglamourous sport, i refused
actually, my arm was hurting but
i liked the first excuse better

so while i watched, i remembered
you'd taught me a little game of your own

the more pins you knock down
the more he'll hurt you
and i gasped because

i'd bowled a perfect game, almost
right before i met you

23.11.08

Vision

I'm enjoying laughing at the vacuum cleaner as it attempts valiantly to get over the metal bracket separating the rooms in our apartment. It's supposed to be some smart robot vacuum but it's not very smart. Or helpful. Well it is, but it's annoying. For one thing, it's always banging into my chair so I'm jolted while eating or something. Not cool. Second, it's run over my toes so many times I want to break it into tiny tiny pieces and step on it.

Hahahaha it's still stuck there. Good on you, demon vacuum.

I really have to learn how to budget my allowance. I know I went on and on about reusing clothes and not buying any new stuff but I went shopping today and nearly gave myself a heart attack. Best buy: vintage doctor's style bag or whatever you call it. See, I call it serendipity/fate. I saw pictures of bags like it in a magazine and couldn't stop drooling "weusdhfckbwsejkdf omgwtf i need this bag!" but all the vintage ones were either happily owned or too expensive. So I sighed morosely and resigned myself to never having one. Then I'm happily browsing through the stalls today when I see the 'bag of my dreams'! And it was cheap (relatively) so I had to get it. Had. It's this gorgeous dark brown with a tinge of purple and it's so perfect and in mint condition!

Work with me here. I'm a girl, most of us love shopping. It's like in our blood or something. My mom's one of those rare females who can't step foot in a mall without cringing.

Anyway, the hard part was sneaking everything home and into my room. My dad, thankfully, was having his daily tea ceremony ritual so he was too busy monitoring the boiling teapot. Sadly, my mom ambushed me before I could open my door and gave me this stare that said "what a horrible daughter, i think you're going to leave us bankrupt". I am repentant.

My bad mood vanished after I'd tried on my purchases though. You'd think that I'd have a little more sense but no, shopping is a cheap thrill. Gives me a temporary high, and we're all after that high.

Oh and my brother's made pizza so I'm going to grab a slice before he eats it all. I'm still bitter about that French toast incident. The pizza smells delicious though. Cheese makes everything better. I am dead serious.

22.11.08

Peregrine


-

you wrote my name on my palm
in a language i didn't understand

actually, i don't know if you were telling the truth
about that being my name
but i liked the way the ink bled
black
into the life line and the heart line

i had to wash it off for lunch
so i guess i'll never really know

-

you laughed at me when i drank
sweet drinks for children and girls
who had trouble getting straws out of their plastic wrapping

and your face was blank
as you took tiny sips

how does it taste like?

it's too sweet
too sweet so i have to drink it in slowly
filling my mouth just the barest inch


you shouldn't have tried it
you're not used to this

you're wrong
it tastes familiar
it tastes like you
i sip slowly


-

you would watch me sift through leaves
three leaved three leaved
beside a rusted water pipe

chanting four four four
so i wouldn't forget

saying you've been watching too many movies
real life means never finding the four leaved clover

at the end
i'd show you empty hands
and you'd lead me back not knowing
about the ones in my pocket

three leaved and three leaved
i wanted them to be lucky too

-


now you're just a fading afterthought

21.11.08

Breakfast Monologues

If I didn't love my brother so much, I would never share my food with him. Case in point, I bought French toast for dinner and the next morning's breakfast. This was because I had gotten back late at night and my mom hadn't made anything for me. That was okay, because I love this French toast, they make it with peanut butter and honey(!!!).

My brother's had his dinner, and he's watching TV when I get back. I stick the toast in the microwave, change into comfy clothes, get the toast out and plop onto the couch to eat it.

"Is that... French toast?"
mmhmm. (chewing)
"The really good one with peanut butter and honey?!"
mmhmm. (still chewing)
"Share?"

So I think, why not, because I'm not that hungry and he's not had any for a long time as well. Plus, he loves it almost as much as I do.

ok. here's half of it.
"Wow thanks!"

And he proceeds to eat it in two bites. ("Heaven!!1!!")

The next morning, he's eating cookies and milk when I wake up. I take the other piece of French toast out from the refrigerator, zap it in the microwave, then head to the breakfast table.

"Is that French toast?"
... (I'm reminded of last night, and am slightly wary) yes.
"The one with..."
yes yes, it's the same one you had last night.
"If I could... maybe just a little... umm... (cue sad face and puppy dog eyes)
*resigned sigh* here's your half.
"OMG THANKS SIS I LOVE YOU SNARF MUNCH CRUNCH!"

I am left feeling immensely dissatisfied and wanting my rightful share of French toast. Where is the justice in this world?

18.11.08

Cut Throat

My brother baked bread today. It was brioche, and the pig that is me finished half of it. Before it had even cooled! Sigh... but I spread this herb and cheese mix on it that was heavenly. OMG I am getting hungry again just thinking about it.

D you pig, stop eating so much. My parents tell me that all my eating is going to catch up to me one day, and I'll wake up with a belly the size of Japan. Ok. Great... something else to cut back on.

Here's a list.

Things to cut back on:

1. Shopping for clothes/books/groceries/everything else
2. Procrastinating
3. Computer/Internet time
4. Sleeping
5. Eating

So basically I'm going to have to cut back on everything I do. Wonderful. Number 4 is easy, I usually get six hours of sleep in two days during the exams. Yes, I know it's unhealthy, but I thrive on self torture. I get some sort of weird buzz trying not to fall asleep while writing a 1200 word essay.

Oh and my dimple is getting more pronounced! I started off without one, but it's getting more obvious. Why? It's on my right cheek, and I actually quite like it. I hope it stays. I want a matching one on the left. Symmetry, it's the new black.

Ugh, that was really lame. Actually, I hate it when people say xyz is the new black because it sounds so cliched. Hahahaha hypocrisy at its best here. See sidebar for clarification if unsure.

Anyway I'm going to go wash my face and finish this Nancy Drew book that I've actually already read before. This is when you're supposed to praise me for rereading and not buying new books. Oops, I nearly deleted this post. I'll take that as a sign that I've been rambling too much, so g'night!

Wounds That Heal


You walked up to me this morning, while I was trying to understand what I had written in the corner of my notes. I was sitting down, but my head was bent, so I didn't see you. You put your papers and your case on my lap, so I couldn't move without dropping everything and causing a scene. Then you leaned down so we were eye to eye, blocking me from everyone. Four weeks I went without your voice. Four weeks I wouldn't look at your face.

'Will you wait?'
...
'Please.'

But I left, because I kept remembering everything. So many words and sounds and pictures floating in an abyss of memories. Four weeks ago, I wrote this on my mirror. Then I wrote it on my arm, just to be safe.

i want to be happy
this is all i am asking for

I cannot return to a place where I cried so much that I would fall asleep still crying, and wake up with the tears still forcing their way out. It is only human nature to love and to want love in return, but I am utterly defeated by my inability to function without you. Being with you, around you, it sweeps me up in this hurricane of emotions that end up tearing me apart from within. I need to know that I mean something to someone who will love me without the one step forward two steps back, the tentative affection and the emotional detachment. I am the kind of person who gives it all, no holds barred, I surrender everything. You can either take it or leave it. And you left it.

Which is why, at the end of the day, you are not that someone. And this, all this, is the reason why I didn't wait. Because you are not worth waiting for any longer. I want to be happy. This is all I am asking for.

16.11.08

Saltwater

Two more exams, two more exams! Then my freedom will be handed back to me, hopefully along with a hefty allowance. Also, I will be going out with friends today to watch something our former high-school is putting on. I do wonder what I should wear, because I don't think that my usual top and shorts combo will work. It's a really snobby private school (jeans are super frowned upon!) so probably some skirt or a dress. Sigh. I wish I had something new to wear. Hee. Yep, I just won't learn. I wonder if most girls have minds that work this way. I know my closet is pretty big, but every time I look at it to pick out something new to wear, there doesn't seem to be anything appropriate. How strange.

Well, the point is that I probably should stop wanting more clothes and be happy with what I have. I'm going to look for something to wear from my own wardrobe, especially because there are probably twenty dresses in there that I haven't worn. Actually I'm pretty sure it's more than twenty. Yeah, how embarrassing. I have to change my ways.

I'm wearing a plaid knee length dress with my fairy sweater!!! And plaid flats hahaha... No really, I have this sudden urge to dress like Christmas wrapping paper. Which is good. Trust me on this. I'm going to wrap my shiniest ribbon around my head just to play my part to the fullest. Hopefully the headmistress will be there. She'll definitely disapprove, but since I'm not in school anymore, I don't care. I want to walk past her and watch her eyes pop out.

11.11.08

Now The One You Once Loved Is Leaving

a month
is a long time
when you think about it
your eyes your mouth
i do remember
but the relief i feel
from the not talking and
walking away
keeps me from running
back to hold you
by breaking me
you've made me whole again
goodbyes aren't forever
to answer your question
yes
i am happy
this is not a mistake



9.11.08

Grow Up And Blow Away

you
never stop talking about your problems
even when it should be my turn
just for a while

you
hide things from me
but expect me to know about them
convincing yourself i had figured it out
all that time ago

you
can't understand when i'm honest
so i make up lies to satisfy you

you
make me sad
when your words are hurtful
which is most of the time
even though you say you never want them to be

you
need to back off
while i think this through

---

this is for someone who used to be a friend, but wouldn't act like one. it was nice knowing you.


8.11.08

Delicate



I wonder, do you know what it's been like? Even in your absence, I find myself doing what you'd have wanted me to. It's your voice I can't stop hearing in my head. When I'm in front of the mirror, trying on a new dress, I bounce between disapproval and contentment. You would like this colour. You would not.

Which brings us to the sweater. I threw it out, almost. Then I put it at the back of the closet, where I wouldn't see it. It was my favourite, you (and everyone else) said it made me sparkle. Now I'm waiting for it to be buried beneath a layer of dust and abandonment, so the next time it emerges, I will have the heart to burn it.

The music's on repeat, the drinks don't make me forget anymore. My pen is emptying as the ink pours onto paper. I can't stop this writing, it's what's keeping me sane. The symptoms are disappearing, and soon you will too. Bit by bit, I will release. This will fade. No more thinking of you.

6.11.08

On The Floor

I finally got around to reading 'The Little Prince' the other day, and it was amazing. Right at the part where the little prince gets ready to depart Earth, I found myself crying silently. It had been a very long and disappointing day so I wondered, was it from all the stress and sadness? Or was that part really touching? Sometimes I do feel as if I don't cry for certain things just because they're sad, but only because they give me a reason to really cry. I don't know how to explain this, so we'll just leave it at that.

And Obama won, which is a revelation and revolution all by itself. To have the ability to place so much hope and trust in someone is simply wonderful. I hope that he manages to carry out his responsibilities to his fullest extent. America should be so happy.

28.10.08

Glory Take A Shot

Please someone, make it so that no one in this world should have to take exams. God bless the person who succeeds.

Well, the only good thing about this week are the dresses I bought (8!). And the amazing toffee chocolate crunch cookies I can't stop eating. Oh, and I met my cousin's girlfriend. She seems pretty nice, but a bit superficial. Still, I have to feel a little guilty for not liking her based on hearsay. I am so ashamed, cause I don't usually do that. But this just goes to show that everyone can jump to conclusions. Still, I'm going to be a little wary, just in case. Girls are good at this bitchy two face pretense sometimes.

Oh yes, being a female is hazardous business. Did I mention she's a raging feminist and nearly bit my head off for an innocent comment. Now I can be a feminist too but hmm, it was only a joke. Something about a woman's place being in the kitchen. I am never telling that one again.

Edit: My mom doesn't really like her behaviour because she's really loud and a bit too touchy feely in front of everyone. She was stroking his face and my mom wasn't amused. Then when she tried to match make my brother with her sister, there was an awkward moment. "She should learn to shut up."

Sigh. See what I mean about being two faced, because my mom was pretending to like her. Women.

26.10.08

Miscommunication

there is a pile of letters under my bed that i wrote to you, before this all ended. at first, i thought of burning them, symbolizing a cleansing rebirth. but then i thought, one day i'd like to remember you, because i really did love you in my own way. so here you are.


29.06.08

the ink in my pen is almost dry
from the effort as i try
to put my feelings into words
lovelovelove is all that comes out
and it is without a doubt that
this is all i truly want to say
but do you know that it is not enough?
i want the epiphany when you
awake with gasping breaths
realization that we were entwined perfectly
i need you to see my face
when you go to sleep and then i'll
give you my heart to keep
it's yours for as long as you want
then you can wrap it up again in
gold and gilt and guilt
hand it back carelessly so it slips
from your fingertips and
my love slowly seeps away
for good



25.07.08

i don't smoke
i've never held a cigarette in my life
but you do these things to me
that make me sit under neon lights
on dirt encrusted steps in dingy hallways
while you take drags on nicotine sticks
and breathe smoke into the air
it curls around my hair, my
neck, tendrils of grey and white
as i try not to breathe in
it's hard to wash the smell off
just like your scent always lingers on me
but night after night
i watch you inhale deeply
and i wish i was worth
giving it up for



24.08.08

you are the wonder i sip slowly
in tiny shot glasses
the faster i drink you in
the more intoxicating you become



20.09.08

in the song you made me listen to
was this sound of an
erratic heartbeat
i put my hand to your chest
and there it was again
do you know that my breath catches
every time i hear that song



06.10.08

i was going to send you a letter
i'd even written out the whole thing and bought the envelope
but i didn't post it
well, one reason would be not having your address with me since i lost it
fuck
but mostly because i need to say it to you, face to face
so you know exactly what i'm trying to tell you
this is about feelings
you can't understand unless you're here, listening and watching
it goes beyond words for me, i just can't put them together
i guess this really shows how much my self medicating worked, huh?
i try try try but i'm still the same useless piece of junk
how ridiculously easy it was to forget that i used to tell everyone
just work a little harder at it, it'll turn out fine
do you know that i write to myself a lot these days?
i can't seem to grasp why my hand just wants to let all these words flow out
where did they come from
please come home
i need you



25.10.08

Easy Lucky Free

Sigh, I really have nothing against Stephenie Meyer but I hate her books being forced down my throat by almost every female I know. I do have a few things to say about this global sensation, and I've listed them down numerically, so you can go through them nice and slowly, my Twilight obsessed friends.

1. Edward Cullen/Jacob Black/every other Twilight character is fictional! They don't exist, so I don't need to hear about you being so jealous that Bella whatshername found the perfect guy and blablabla.

2. I'm not watching the movie.

3. I'm not buying the books.

4. No, I'm not into dressing up as the Cullens for Halloween.

5. I'm sick of everything Twilight!

And now that this is over, I'm going to do a few more exercises on Stats, then have some leftover pizza and cheese baked wedges that my brother tried to hide in the refrigerator. But it's pizza al funghi so I'm picking out all the mushrooms. Yuck.

Oh and I got a pair of pink shorts today. And this mosaic patterned ring. There is only so much abstaining from shopping that I can stand. Yeah, I have no self control. How shameless.

24.10.08

Withdrawal Symptoms


hello there,

it's been two weeks since we last saw each other. actually, that's not entirely true. i caught a glimpse of you in the hallway, where the lights don't work. you walked through a door, and i went in another. it was a scene from a movie, really. i couldn't see your face in the shadows, but i knew you were looking right at me.

i'm so bad at picking up the phone, or even keeping it with me at all times. so i still endure halting moments when my breath catches in my throat, because i see your name on my screen. once twice five. the calling back is the hardest part, there are those awkward pauses that fill with the sound of our breathing. then the tentative hellos and apologies. not once do i ask why you called in the first place, and you're too far gone to care. do you plan it so there's always laughter in the background, and the sound of skin upon skin and silk?

fourteen days have stretched into an eternity, in which i bleed ink onto countless diary pages and smudged fingers. locks of hair and candy wrappers you imprinted in my memory, forever stored with sticky tape on blank white sheets of paper. you were my drug, and this is the withdrawal. symptoms too harsh and random that i cannot anticipate the next or the aftermath.

yesterday, i tore out scraps from my thoughts, tried to erase you forever. but it's also making me throw away the little things about me. our favourite colour is green. we like the number thirteen. if i let these go, i let a part of me go. another part that wasn't you to begin with, but melded and moulded to you as i fell. now they are so tightly entwined that i cannot give one up without losing the other. but i am prepared to. i can choose a new favourite colour, silver blue purple. i will give this up.

i want to scream it in your face - this is what you made me, but see, i still live. i dream about you watching yourself in the mirror, expecting to see me next to you. do you? do you miss me? i tell myself, this is what i get for refusing to believe that i am so much better than this. or i was, once.

there should be a nicotine patch for these things, because someone would make millions off it. that hole in your heart? just fix it with this. there, good as new. addiction cured.

so this is the end of the letter that you'll never read, because it's just like you to close your eyes and pretend that everything's good, that we've both moved on. maybe that's why this isn't complete, because i can't put everything i feel into words, just like you can never say to me what you truly want to.

but after some time, i want to say 'i forgive you', and really mean it, because all this grief and anger are too draining. and i have come to believe that when i do, you will hold my hand like you used to, and we will laugh at old jokes and retarded sneezes. then we will sit down, you listening to my music, while i listen to you.

and the pain in my chest subsides.

15.10.08

Get This, Hilarity Ensues

So Math was today, and I know I should be studying but I wanted to get this down first. After the exams, which were very tough(!), I walked over to the back of the hall to pick up my bag and books. At that very moment, I heard one of the invigilators shouting. Apparently they were trying to return all the cellphones that had been handed in for safekeeping. They'd been labelled with our particulars. And then, this happened.

"Sid of Class ***, where are you?! Could you come get your phone?!"

So I ran to the front.

oh hi! that's my phone. thanks.
"You're Sid?"
yeah. umm can i please have my phone back?
*still holding my phone* "You're Sid?"
yes, i am.
"Well... could I see identification?"
err... ok. *produces student card*
"Ah, alright. Here's your phone, Miss umm Sid."

Then I walk back and NB is laughing his head off, having heard the whole thing.

"He didn't expect you to come walking up! Hahahahaha! He must've thought, what the hell is this girl doing here trying to steal a phone in broad daylight."
...
"Oh D, don't be sad. You actually have a very open and trustworthy face. Actually no. You just look gullible and childish. Maybe you shouldn't laugh so much."

Is it any wonder I'm always in some kind of trouble? It's bad enough I hang out with idiots (ahem J, NB), but my name and behaviour and looks seem to attract nonsense like this. For once, I would like to go through exams without being cross examined and made fun of.

10.10.08

The Saddest Song


he makes you laugh
everyone says this
but do they know
you make me cry too?

yesterday was a mistake
oh yes
your jokes are still funny
and i'm going to miss you
pressed up against me
watching and waiting
for my body to respond

i read this again
last night
and i held my breath
for if i could
i'd sing these words
to you

'you learn
with every goodbye
you learn'

8.10.08

Juvenile Delinquent

It has been the most tiring and depressing week. Nothing has gone right. Everyone's falling sick, which is terrifying considering the exams are just next week. That's right, the AS exams are here! More wonderful news I have never heard. Can you feel the sarcasm just overflowing from me?

Well, this obviously spells out the beginning of a month or so long hiatus from this blog. My best friends must now be the calculator and the mountain of papers in my room.

My brother taught me a little math trick. Take a three digit number, we'll call it A. Then flip this number, we'll call the new number B. Take the larger number of the two, and deduct the smaller number from it. This product is C. Now flip C around as well, to form the number D. Then add C to D and... the answer is always 1089 no matter which number you choose. Oh, if C is a two digit number, just imagine that it's still a three digit number that just starts with a zero, and you'll get D. I think I'll demonstrate.

Example:

A = 221
B = 122

A is the larger number, so it's A - B.

A - B = C
= 099
D = 990
C + D = 099 + 990
= 1089!!!

I know, some of you might think it's lame but I happen to be amused and intrigued by little things like this.

So now I must go organise my notes and make my last supper. And mourn over the impending loss of sleep and hair. And shopping trips. =(

6.10.08

On One Wish

this fading heartbeat it sings
for all the love that you bring
i keep recalling those
words you spoke
the stay please, the wait and see
the could be would be should be
the love me just love me

washing acid off my fingers
your panic outweighed mine
but i'll be fine
i laughed
'shut up and hold still'
how do i argue with that?
'just don't'

maybe i won't give up just yet
you can stop smiling now


5.10.08

Cloudburst


you kept asking
"do i mean nothing to you?"
but i still remember
slow dances and the endless search
for four leaved clovers
because i wanted a wish

my paper heart won't last
and given a chance
i'd like my heartbeat back

so i'd answer your question but
i already have

4.10.08

Medication Unit

I have finished my unbelievably thick book of Chemistry questions! I am so proud of myself. Perhaps I should buy some more new clothes as a reward! What does the family say to this?

The mother says "I'm so proud but do you need more clothes? I think not."

The brother says " NO NO NO DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE A MILLION DRESSES AND BLOUSES?!"

The father says "..."

So it's unanimous, we are going shopping for new old clothes today or tomorrow or whenever they stop nagging.

3.10.08

How Refreshing

I am trying to be patient but it is very hard when your hair is dripping wet, you're already 15 minutes late for an appointment and the hair dryer is mysteriously not working (after your brother borrowed it and returned it just 2 minutes later hmm I wonder why).

Well, I guess it helps if you've got new clothes to wear. =D The mother was being unusually generous with her money and shelled out enough to pay for three jackets, a T-shirt, a dress and a skirt. Ahh I feel so loved.

I had Indian food last night at this restaurant that we haven't been to in a while. Usually I don't like the food but I did this time. I chose to have a naan, which was quite crispy and chewy at the same time. Perhaps the chef's changed. Or maybe I was too tired from the road trip.

So I am now reading a food blog and well, I shouldn't really be doing so because I am getting very hungry right now. As always, I will end my blogging with a furious dash to the fridge, so I can find something to eat.

Ok there was nothing in the fridge so I'm going to have to make a tough decision. Wait for the mother to return from her charity drive or cook(!) something by myself. Actually I think I'll go organize my wardrobe and do some revision to distract my stomach.

1.10.08

I Am Your Whatever

We've been given a short break from college, so the first thing I did to celebrate was eat a whole plate of pasta and three slices of pizza. Good thing I have my dad's genes, I'd die of a heart attack without his metabolism. Actually that isn't true cause skinny people can get cardiovascular diseases so let me rephrase. I'm happy that I can still fit into my clothes.

Sigh sometimes I think I would die if I woke up one day and discovered that my clothes were all too tight. Now if they were loose, that'd be a different story *insert insane cheering*.

The second thing I did was go shopping. Big surprise. When I was at a flea market the other day, my friend rang up and we had a very long conversation while I browsed the stalls, until...

"... so then I said I'm hungry, and we ended up going for dinner."
haha that's good. i'm always hungry.
" Yeah, everyone knows that. Hey, I never asked, what are you doing right now?"
shopping.
"..."
" But it's so quiet and HEY HOW DO YOU SHOP WHILE TALKING?!"
i use my hands to pick stuff up and my eyes to take a good look at things. i don't have to taste it you know...
" WTF you're always shopping. Don't you do normal stuff like study or watch the television?"

In my defense I spend less money than most people I know, because I like bargains. I can't bear people who like to pay full price and look down on people who don't. Not all of us like to fork out more of our parents' money if we can help it. Yeah, did you forget that you're not the one earning the cash you're so proud of?

Right now I feel like having sushi and udon. But there's no one around to drive me to the nearest Japanese restaurant. This makes me sad. And hungrier. Grr must go raid fridge for leftover pizza.

30.9.08

Pursed

My brother baked cookies, they were really chewy and chocolatey. I had three, and now I'm too full to move from the couch. But I have to go rinse out the faint smell of mothballs from the new old dress I bought on Sunday.

Also, I wrote a letter to BB. This is the second time I've done so, and it was quite long. Four pages, and my writing is small, so I think that's an average of twelve hundred words. My wrist hurts.

I think I will put my letter in an envelope and get a start on the dress. But before that, I am going to sneak another cookie from the jar and blame it on my dog.

29.9.08

The Longer That We're Out Here

broken bottles of molten gold
the labels are torn but we don't care
sip memories slowly catching their
shreds between our teeth
your mouth weaves intricate webs
words laced with nicotine and hope
i breathe in the lies all over again
and exhale them when you're not there

28.9.08

Ancient As The Stars


i found a place
where no one goes
somewhere i could laugh-cry and watch
the sun rise and fall light
streaming across my hair and toes
and sometimes it made me wonder
why does no one else know?

was there no other person
who when wrapped in your arms
would dream of endless laughter and
footprints in fields of clover
all four leaved and gold

had there been no one else
drinking in your words which
transported them to stars too
fiery to touch yet
froze into flawless diamonds at
your words

only one at a time
that's how it's always been
you can't love two people at
the same time in exactly
the same way
so

i found a place
where no one goes
but now that i've left it behind
i can never return
your arms encircle
another
i'm filled with longing
regret and silent dismay
now someone else knows

27.9.08

Leggy Blonde

Ahhh there's a vintage sale today but I'm not sure if I can go! The parents are trying to force me into accompanying them to god knows where, to do god knows what. I'm pretty sure it's going to be boring, because it always is when my parents have some business appointment.

OMG fingers crossed fingers crossed that whatever it is they wanna do is cancelled and someone's going to drive me to the sale.

*Update*

They didn't cancel the appointment but I got a really good breakfast out of it. And we stopped by the sale for a while after we were done and although there wasn't that much good stuff left, I got three dresses. They weren't as cheap as I would've liked them to be. Oh oh and this straw tote that I think I will be using quite a lot. Happy day happy day!

26.9.08

Fanfare

The price of everything has either gone up or gone down, depending on my penchant for it. If I like something, it's somehow become more expensive, and if I'm not into it, it's cheaper now. Yeah, life's good at screwing around with me like that.

I finally got my grades today. They were much better than I expected (yeah even Chemistry), so I guess I should reward myself. Hahaha that was a joke, by the way. I do enough of self rewarding as it is. The proof is in the closets and bookshelves. I am one of those people who cannot seem to control their spending habits, but not by too much. I buy secondhand when I can, books and clothes. I love vintage, so it's not that big a sacrifice. Although I do splurge on the little things now and then. Usually bags and shoes, because I haven't really found any that I like for cheap.

It's quite wonderful to have so many nice things in my life right now. Sometimes I take all my dresses down and try them on again and again, because I just feel like it. I like pretty things. Yes, I'm superficial like that. Still, I don't care. It makes me happy, and that's all that really truly matters.

25.9.08

Take A Picture


it was a mistake
that words cannot describe
my apologies are insufficient
would you understand if i explained?
because i'm trying as hard as i can

we speak the wrong things sometimes
our traitorous tongues
but let me be the first to say
i will change
so you can forgive

24.9.08

Something To Do With My Hands


you're so close
my fingers just brush
the edge
of your shoulders

carry me away
from the bright lights and
where the floor is cold

won't you please take me home
again

23.9.08

Always Move Fast

Am a bit upset at being asked why I'm still hanging out with J, even though he has a girlfriend. Well, he was my friend first. And we're not involved romantically, so what is the reason for all this negativity? It's bad enough you accuse him of trying to cheat on his girlfriend, but please don't drag me into this. I would never get involved with someone who's already in a relationship. I know what it's like to be hurt that way.

Yes, I wish you wouldn't judge us like that. It makes me wonder what else you've been telling people. Yeah sure we hang out together sometimes, partner up for a few things and do lots of random stuff but that's what friends do. And we've got almost the same interests and classes so it fits us best this way.

So umm, just drop it. Your desperation doesn't fool anyone.

21.9.08

Undeclared

isn't it funny that
once upon a time
i could look at you forever
and find something new to
fall in love with
every single moment

now i mutter excuses and
whisper reasons to
avert my eyes
and you just stand there

we're both two sides
of a coin spinning in
mid air waiting for each
other to land
face down


20.9.08

Smile, You've Won


you're the cliche
the too good to be true
because you are
the crayoned in gold
in a rainbow of days
the sole shiny square
on monotonous calendars

i catch falling leaves
the ocean drinks my wishes
on sky blue scraps
in empty bottles of wine

the mirror is smudged
with tears and notes to
find that four leaf clover
hold your breath in tunnels
for unless i keep wishing
hoping dreaming pleading
you're not mine to want
so you'll fade away

19.9.08

Feather Weight

I've got a dilemma here. Do I stay home and study so I have a fair chance of passing my exams or should I go out window-shopping with the parents and maybe get the chance to buy a few things I like?

Decisions, decisions.

Oh and someone asked me if I'm a pessimistic person and why? Umm yeah I guess I am. It's probably because it's really fun to expect the worst but have something good happen instead! Ok maybe it's actually because that's the way I've always been. Can't help it, sorry.

Ok problem solved, I just told myself firmly that I've shopped enough[!] and needed to study. Hahahaha yeah now that they're gone I'm still chatting online and checking out clothes. Good choice D.

So I guess I'm going to go eat golden raisins (I hate the regular black ones) and frown at my Chemistry notes. They say the raisins help aid in brain productivity and efficiency. If they work, I'm getting a thousand boxes.

On second thought, there's this bag of Maltesers in the the pantry so I'm probably sticking with that instead. =P

18.9.08

Breaking Skin


it's that cliche all over again
the one where you say
sometimes people put up walls
not to keep others out but
to see who cares enough to
break them down

well these walls have been up
for as long as i can remember
but you're still standing on the
outside looking in with your
face etched with pity
this is not what i wanted

this is not how it's supposed to be
you and your stupid cliches


17.9.08

Digging Shallow Reefs



I love the dinosaur comics. Because they're 'sexy exciting dinosaur comics for the thinking man or lady' uh huh. Woo!

Tagged by NN =( Just this once yeah?

♥ If you could spend a dollar in 5 minutes, what would you spend on?
. seriously, what can you buy for a dollar these days? that's worth it, i mean. okay maybe a drink.

♥ What is your most favorite thing to do?
. shop. is this really a question you need to ask, NN? i thought you've been my friend long enough to know this.

♥ What kind of news do you read?
. umm national and global events. i don't really like the sports or the business section. sometimes i read the obituaries (morbid!) and i like it when the family consists of different ethnic backgrounds. oh wait, that's not really considered news, is it?

♥ What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
. my ability to whistle! and my bendy fingers. all those twitches i make sometimes when i'm half asleep. yeah.

♥ Is there someone in your heart right now?
. hmm not really, maybe cause i'm too busy thinking about what to wear to college. superficial? i beg to differ.

♥ Do you believe you can survive without money?
. what kind of life would that be?

♥ What are you afraid to lose the most?
. everything i love most. yeah that would include normal stuff like the family, money, friends, money, my clothes, all my stuff, my sanity, my brains, money.

♥ What do you feel like doing right now?
. shopping. seriously, the urge to shop has become overpowering since the mocks ended. it's like my brain needs to be replenished by the sight of new clothes and shoes. but the parents have put me on a shopping ban. dunn dunn dunn!

♥ If there's someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
. well usually i wait until they tell me first. then the feeling goes away wahahaha ok no, i don't know how to answer this.

♥ List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
. NN? optimistic, predictable, athletic (omg seriously she could pin me down with one finger). but predictable isn't always a good point (it is to me because i can get her a birthday present easily) so i'm going to pick diligent. cause she's super hardworking and dedicated and blablabla all the things that i'm not.

♥ What are the requirements that you seek from your other half?
. i've got a list!

♥ What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
. being unfaithful, untrustworthy and ignorant, to name a few.

♥ If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
. ahhhh how do i decide? umm noodles or sushi. or chips. or sandwiches. omg impossible to choose please don't make me choose!

♥ If you had a choice to be rich or happy,which one would you pick?
. ok this is so stupid but being rich would make me happy so i pick being rich!

♥ If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
. my tendency to procrastinate in every single thing. but then again, this has helped reveal a hidden skill - working fantastically well under pressure.

♥ Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
. a scattered few. like if i've got problems with relationships, then it's my best friend. if it's with serious things like studies and personal stuff then my mom or brother.

♥ How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
. i'll be 28. crap that's like almost 30. i'll probably still be really materialistic and awkward.

♥ What is the one thing you love about yourself?
. my eyelashes.

♥ If you can bring only one thing along with you to another world, what would it be?
. my home. which contains my family and my stuff so haha...

Yes, I'm done!

*updated*

Apparently there were two parts. Yeah, you don't have to read any of this. Go watch TV or something.

Rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.


Starting time : 2:30 p.m.


Name : D (Driae)
Sisters : 0
Brothers : 1
Shoe size : UK 5
Height : 174 cm
Where do you live : In a tiny apartment


Have you ever(s):

-Been on a plane : Yeah.

-Swam in the ocean : Yeah, but I hated it. Actually I didn't actually swim. Everyone took a turn at giving me piggyback rides.

-Fallen asleep at school : Sigh, this is one of my talents.

-Broken someone's heart : Hmm yeah but it wasn't on purpose.

-Fell off your chair : OMG There was this one time when I was laughing at my own joke and I fell off my chair. And I was sitting like two feet off the ground! It was really slo-mo and everything, so everyone who saw it thought I was faking.

-Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : No. Who does that?

-Saved e-mails : Mmhmm my inbox is full of rubbish cause I never delete anything.

-What is your room like : Homey.

-What's right beside you : This empty plate.

-What is the last thing you ate : Pizza, which explains the plate.


Ever had(s):

Chicken pox : Yeah. I hated it, cause I wanted to scratch myself so badly, but my mom was always watching.

Sore throat : This has been the year of the sore throat.

Stitches : My chin! It split open after my brother decided to trip me, and it hit the edge of a table.

Broken nose : No.


Do you(s):

Believe in love at first sight : Sigh, if only. Well actually it happened with my parents but they tend to embellish their stories so I don't know.

Like picnics : Yeah! But I don't like the smell of grass, so I prefer it on the beach. Actually no, because it's really hot then. Indoor picnic?

Who was/were the last person(s):

You danced with : My brother. Some victory dance after we'd completed this seemingly impossible level on a game.

Last made you smile : The pizza delivery guy hahahaha NO. Umm I think it was me hahaha seriously I was doing something really stupid and I amused myself.

You last yelled at : My dog. She ate half of my pizza slice before I managed to stop her. And of course I gave her the other half cause it was all slobbery and slimy. Gross.


Today did you:

Talk to someone you like : I talk to people I like everyday!

Kissed anyone : Yep.

Get sick : No.

Talk to an ex : Haha no.

Miss someone : Yeah, kinda.

Who do you really hate: There's this one guy... yeah.

What's the time where you are: 2:37 p.m.


Random:


Is there a person who is on your mind now?
I'm on my own mind. Still thinking about what to wear.

Do you want children?
I don't know, haven't thought about it.

Do you smile often?
Hmm I'd say I laugh tons more, it's a bit weird for me to just smile when I'm happy.

Do you like your hand-writing?
Quite. I just wish it was bigger, cause it kinda peters out every single time I try enlarging my letters.

Are your toe nails painted?
No.

Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in?
The one in BB's apartment, cause I crashed immediately. Magic. I was so out of it that the guys had to throw me onto the couch to get me up. Although that may have had to do with the fact that we were up until 4 in the morning and spent the previous day running around like idiots.

What color shirt are you wearing now?
This really happy blue.

What were you doing at 7.00p.m yesterday?
Having dinner with the family.

When did you cry last?
A week ago, I think.

Are you a friendly person?
I think so.

Do you have any pets?
I'd like to say yes, but I think we're the pets and my dog's the real master.

Where is the person you have feelings for right now?
Don't know, don't care.

Do you hold hands with the person who means something to you now?
Umm yeah, sometimes.

Do you sleep with the TV on?
Very seldom. My parents are a bit preachy about saving electricity.

What are you doing right now?
This survey durrr and I'm trying to beat the clock cause I have to shower and get ready to pick my brother up from school.

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Not that I can remember. Perhaps when I was younger.

Can you handle the truth?
Aha, but what kind? Well usually I can. Unless it's a bit, you know... then I think not. Cryptic...

Are you closer to your mother or father?
The mother.

Do you eat healthy?
Whooo actually yeah I do, despite wanting to snack on junk all the time. The urge wears off, I grab some fruit, and when I'm full it starts all over again.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My mom.

How many people can you say you've really loved?
It's not loved when you still love them. So I guess none.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
I don't take pictures.

If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?
My iPod.

Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?
Loads of times.

Are you loud or quiet most of the time?
Whoo who am I with most of the time? God, sometimes people say I'm a party all by myself and sometimes it's like I'm not even there. Yeah, I guess it depends on the people around me.

Are you confident?
In what?


5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
- Wearing ribbons in my hair.
- Enjoying cartoons like Speed Racer and Scooby Doo. Old school.
- Shopping less. This is a weird revelation, but I realize now that I was once not materialistic at all.
- Eating meat. I'm quite certain of this, cause I used to live on seafood and chicken drumsticks. Gross. Going vegetarian = one of my best decisions.
- Being worry free!


5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
- Shop.
- Study what I wanted to.
- Invest and get more money!
- Spend it on my family.
- Donate some to charity (pet shelters yada yada)

5 Snacks I enjoy
- chips
- sandwiches
- sushi
- noodles
- anything with potatoes, cheese, seaweed, wasabi and flour sighhh

5 things on my to-do list today
- study
- go for a run
- organize my closet
- hide the Nintendo DS
- sleep early


5 of my bad habits:
- Whoa only 5? Ok I'm lazy.
- Stubborn.
- I never learn from mistakes until I've made them like, a thousand times.
- I'm bad at time management. OMG ten more minutes to go!
- Umm I'm fickle. Yeah, cause I can never decide.


5 places I have lived in:
- Tiny apartment units.
- Our old bungalow.
- BB's home.
- Whichever shopping center I liked at a certain time.
- Here.

I tag:
Whatever, I have to go!

Now seriously, regarding surveys and all, I hate doing them. But I like reading them (when the people answering them are interesting). Still, no more no more!

Also, I am addicted to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. Curse my brother for keeping the Nintendo DS in plain sight. And curse me for my perfectionist tendencies which force me to keep playing until I reach level 99. 31 more levels to go!

16.9.08

Nutshell

My friends are priceless.

I'm D, just so we're clear.

...

Friend: ... so I thought why not kill a bird and go to the shop so I can see him and get a book at the same time?
D: *blank pause* omg you mean kill two birds with one stone hahahahahahahahahaha!

...

during a Moral education presentation

Friend: *to teacher and audience* ... and he used to be really really handsome when he was younger! *gestures to screen* See!

-silence-

Friend: *whispers to me* Shit, Miss IE looks pissed.
D: *whispers back* well she's homophobic and you're a guy who just gushed over another male.
Friend: But it's true! I mean look at him!

...

Would you believe friend 1's a guy?

Friend 1: My. Hair. Is. Ruined.
Friend 2: OMGWTF what happened?!
Friend 1: Well she hacked off my fringe and I had to go fix it.
Friend 2: Who? The hairdresser?
Friend 1: No, my grandma.
Everyone else: Hahahahahahaha!
Friend 3: Seriously?! You let your granny cut your hair?!
Friend 1: Yeah, cause I thought she'd know how to trim bangs for sure.
Friend 2: WTF why would you think something like that?
Friend 1: Cause she's old and I thought old people knew these things. It's supposed to be something you learn as you grow older.

...

Seriously, I can feel my brain cells dying each day.

13.9.08

August Is Over


Today was a good day because mocks finally ended and the mother got me this sequined cardigan. Seriously, it is the best damn thing because it's a) gold, b) just a wee bit baggy so I can wear it without looking like a stripper and c) omg it's shiny is there a better reason than that?!

Then I went thrifting and got some dresses and cardigans because they were on markdown. And I'm not quite sure about the length of a few of them, they seem slightly too long. I thought about cutting off a few inches but the mother said I was picky and should have a few pieces that don't end above my knees. Umm ok, no alterations then.

There was this old issue of Nylon in the store which was down to an eighth of its price so I decided to buy it. I'm saving it to look through after I finish a little bit of work. Temptation temptation but I really have to study.

I think a little peek won't hurt... the pretty pictures will give me inspiration. Right right? Right!

Now I am off to eat goldfish crackers and try out a few sums from my Math homework. I think I may have lost my calculator, but I hope that the boys have once again borrowed it without remembering to give it back.

8.9.08

Lies Imbricated Finely


i opened my eyes just in time
to catch
the twist of your mouth
wondering and sighing
moulded to mine

i could hear your thoughts
see them floating
past our heads
diaphanous yet i felt
if i reached out
i could hold in my hand
your words of love
like how you held me
with them

do you remember cold evenings
our fingers on the piano
yours on mine
the wrong keys for the right song
and every breath was a note
listen carefully you said
love is music and
music is love

well the evenings
are colder these days
the piano casts a penumbra
in which i lie silently
you were two halves like always
whispering right and wrong
for love isn't music
right now
but music is
love

6.9.08

People Are So Fickle


I thought it was time for a change. The pink and purple were a little too sweet and nice for my liking. Yes, I know I chose them because of those two reasons in the first place, but my taste in colours seems to have changed drastically in a really short while. Hee. Yeah, it might be my subconscious telling me to stop being such a girly girl and toughen up a bit. And I felt like the title needed a change too, cause it's really umm... not me anymore?

But I'm feeling much better because the mother has been buying me clothes out of her own money, so I don't have to use mine. I think she pities me for being so stressed out over exams. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle loads in the Science stream, since I don't have a brain geared for logic and the like. Not that I'm an artsy person, no. It's just that I hate science. There, I said it. And it's the worst thing to be doing something that you hate just because your parents want you to be a doctor or a pharmacist. =C

And I've got this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up dropping out and doing something at a liberal arts college instead, because that's more me. But that would mean that I've wasted a whole year and money (the scholarship doesn't cover extra costs so I had to pay around a thousand for that).

Happy thoughts happy thoughts!

I'm actually staring unhappily at my Chemistry textbook (omg the textbooks cost money too!) wondering why this reaction needs to be carried out in alcoholic conditions, even though we were just discussing this in class two days ago. I feel so stupid, so stupid you can't even begin to imagine it. I've never felt this stupid and untalented in my life. I'm not trying to brag, but usually, all I have to do to get A's is to go over something a few times, and I'll understand like 80 to 85% of it. But now, despite my best efforts, I can read the same page ten times and not remember one single goddamn thing.

I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. Time to go back to the books and try even harder now.

2.9.08

Damask


the epiphany of discovering
you're not who i wished for
on dandelions and falling leaves
and eyelashes dipped in tears

and i keep asking myself
what am i waiting for?

27.8.08

Skin The Colour of Wheat


you don't get it
because
you're not the one
who cries at night
at dawn
at the memories
of the waking up together
and cold toast with melted
butter
now i've got barley for brains
and a penchant to stare
blankly at the spaces
filled with air
but where your body
used to be

26.8.08

Those Were The Days


The parents weren't happy with each other recently, so something snapped and they wouldn't talk to each other. My brother called me at college, frantic and vague, leading me to believe that the situation was much worse than it really was. In actual fact, the parents enjoy bickering, I think it keeps the romance alive, and do it almost every week. Sure enough, I worried my way through a discussion on Literature and dance practice, only to return home and find my mother vengefully planning her revenge. The next morning, it was the burnt eggs and cold tea that got her an apology. Idiots.

I think the weather and I have some kind of mutual understanding. I woke up today not wanting to go to college (like every other day) and the sky turned cloudy. Later on, I was really hungry between classes and so decided to grab a quick bite at the opposite diner. But the sky was dark and everyone was insisting that it was going to rain really soon. Still, I persevered and we reached the place before even a single drop fell. While we ate, the rain poured like mad, then when we were done, it had stopped, and we were able to walk back without getting wet.

Must exploit this power. Carefully.

Have made up my mind to get the pair of shoes that I left behind in Zara. They were so beautiful, I should never have listened to the brother nag about slippery soles and towering heels. Who needs walking when you can fall down in style? But then again, it is his money that's going to go towards getting me a new pair of shoes for college, so I suppose some convincing is in order. Or first rate begging, since he's as hardhearted as the parents. Still, it's a small price to pay for them. My preciousss...

I will be going on a short hiatus starting tomorrow, because mocks are super close (in two days) so I'm going to have to start studying eventually. I think I'm actually expected to get good grades, because Math results came back today, and in some miraculous fluke, I got the highest marks. And after that, my lecturer wouldn't stop hinting - 'umm... if you get good marks umm... you will keep it up i am sure... umm... D umm.... mocks are in a bit so umm... class dismissed...' Sigh. Priceless.

So this is to say goodbye for a bit, and have a great time!

23.8.08

Iridescence


10.06.08

your trail of nicotine
laced the air
and the shoes i wore
cheap tramp
they're just words

and i held your gaze in mine
trying to read
those eyes
clouded by the smoke
feelings left unguarded

words slurred into
a champagne filled glass
stay stay stay stay
drowned amongst the bubbles
you drank them down

who holds your hair back?
as you bend over
and those same words
stay stay stay stay
burst from you again

yes i know
you say it all the time
i could leave but
i've never known love
in any other way

but you

20.07.08


do you get it now?

23.08.08

it shows when you hurt inside
this will be the last time
i promise

17.8.08

The Girl In Byakkoya


so here's the joke
the one that kept me laughing
through the night
well
if tears were giggles
and sobs were smiles
anyway


'do you want to know something?'
yeah?
'he thought you didn't care anymore.'
'he thought you were going to hurt him.'
'so he hurt you first.'
'isn't that funny?'

...

'well, not haha funny but,'
'shit, just forget what i said!'
'i... are you crying?'
no
'but...'
it's just really funny
that's all



i cut my hair again
just so you know
i needed my head
to feel less heavy
the scissors were smooth
metal
whispering to me
cut
here

six inches
of black curtain
i can't watch you secretly anymore

15.8.08

Toe Touch


My mocks are in a while, and since I'm probably the most likely to fail all my subjects, I should get a head start on studying. Ugh gross... But I'm one of those people who hate anything to do with learning, yet want the A's that should come with effort. Yeah, disgusting, I know.

I really did have this whole post dreamed up in my head, so that before my upcoming hiatus, I would leave something amazing (read: remotely legible) here, and that for the whole of September, I wouldn't feel too guilty about abandoning my blog. Unfortunately, my amazing short term memory has left me grasping at words in the air. There's a 'sleep' and a 'pillow' flitting around my head. And 'food' seems to be beckoning from under my right foot. 'Eat' is under the left.

And oh wait, what's this? 'Differentiation'? 'Logarithms'? Oh, right. My Math book is screaming at me from the desk. Should I answer it? Umm no. I'm going to follow the words to my bed instead, my beautiful boat of dreams.

13.8.08

Pure Narcotic


The loud music resounding in my ears, the bright lights flashing red blue green how obscene. I moved my feet to the rhythm, or at least I tried, and I laughed happily. Not like me at all. Too risky. Awkward and foreign.

But you had my hand in yours, keeping me safe even while you twisted and I spun. And I didn't fall once, even on those slippery shiny floors that weren't really made for dancing at all. It was dark but I saw. I saw.

For the life of me, I can't remember what the song was. Why is that?

12.8.08

Glad Tidings


I'm quite the loser these days, I get back home from college, pig out while lying on the couch and watching the Olympics, then sleep the rest of the day away.

And was laughed at by the girls because the food stall operators in the eating place were so nice to me. First it was the iced tea a few weeks back, which I got for a cheaper price, plus it wasn't watered down like the others'. Then the last minute price cut on the frittata at the corner. And today it was the man who threw in extra sauce and tofu, then got me my cutlery from the pickup point. Which he apparently never does, according to AN who buys food from him all the time, as opposed to it having been my first.

Haha. Bitter.

That aside, I wish everyone would stop going all hot and bothered about exams because it makes me feel really stupid. I haven't been studying as much as I should have, so to hear about my classmates burning the midnight oil every single night is frightening, to say the least. Must let this be a lesson to myself. Less snoring, more boring. Haha. I'm not funny at all.

Mmm that reminds me, I'm very hungry. I'm seriously considering getting up from my bed and foraging for food in the kitchen. Mom said she's restocked the refrigerator so there might be something worthwhile to chew on (this feels like a pun!). Food banzai!

10.8.08

Xylophone Key


FC's going off soon, the idiot dropped out of college some time back and made me cry so much. She used to be my hangout buddy cause we had the same schedule, but now I'm stuck with J and the guys.

So yesterday was her birthday slash farewell party. And a few of us went, because she threatened us with bodily harm. It was quite fun. I was dragged onto the dance floor. AZ was dancing in front of me but J was holding my left hand and Y the right one, so I was uncertain as to whom I was actually supposed to be partnered with.

I'm actually watching reruns of the Olympics right now. Weightlifting seems painful, but I'm very impressed at how these people lift more than twice their body weight. I am considering buying a ticket to the next Olympics, which hopefully will be just as good, if not better, because the current games have left me speechless more than once.

Which is pretty amazing, if you stop to think about it. =D

8.8.08

Edamame


I loved today. All that worrying and agonizing paid off. The jumble sale was a success, for the most part anyways, and I managed to get some random stuff sold off. Accessories. And I got us out of a Math exam, so... am I good or what? Hee although I don't actually know how much money we made, which means I'll have to find out on Monday.

It was also a huge fashion breakthrough for me, weirdly. I wore this short bright yellow dress with blue edgings, and this unicorn necklace. So when I walked into the lab to sell canned drinks, the first things I heard were 'OMG YELLOW! YELLOW SO YELLOW!' and 'D looks like a princess.' Not something you'd want to hear from the guys in my class, but hmm... And when I interrupted a Physics lesson to sell sandwiches, they took one look at me and my basket decked with orchids, then called me little flower for the rest of the day.

For the record, I rarely plan anything in advance, and this includes my outfits. And no, I did not mean to dress like a flower. I just ended up looking that way.

Which reminds me, AN and YN were telling me how much they liked one of my dresses?sweaters? It's greyish black apparently and really shiny and short. I can't seem to remember having anything like it but umm... I'm going to have a look, especially since they said I've only worn it once. Waste not, want not.

5.8.08

Cape Caper

blog readability test


This amuses me greatly. I don't think I use big words or anything like that, but it's always nice to have your current level of education flashed in front of you. See sir, I am not the child you keep calling me!

1.8.08

Maps


You don't leave your girlfriend for your ex-girlfriend. Not when the ex broke your heart and cheated on you with your own best friend. Not when you were this girl's first boyfriend. Not when you welcomed her into your group, your circle.

Did you see how she crumpled when you looked at the jewelery display, wondering out loud if you should buy that pendant? And she knew it wasn't for her.

Disgusting. You deserve each other, the both of you.

28.7.08

Private Affair


You weren't even the one who let me know. He let it slide into the conversation, cautiously and smoothly. Scanning my face for signs of a breakdown. Watching, waiting. Trying to make it as painless as possible.

'So, what do you think of her?'
Who's she?
'His new... ahem.'
Oh.
Oh...
Umm yeah.
She's nice.
I like her smile.

'Mmhmm...'

...

'I don't like her too.'

I never expected this to happen so soon. Obviously I was wrong. Like always. But anyways, good luck. Really.

27.7.08

Modesty Is The Best Policy


Saturday was a great day!

Spent it with the girls from college. We went out intending to scout for cheap stuff to sell at our jumble sale but I managed to get some things for myself!

Not a lot, mind you, because we were really busy running around trying to find expensive looking items that were actually cheap. Not everyone could agree on the items to buy, so in the end they ended up forcing me to make the final decisions.

But on the bright side, it has been established that I have good taste.

On to the purchases, which are a pitiful few but I am quite satisfied.

~ a peach cardigan with little roses on it. it's made out of the softest cotton and has the loveliest stitching pattern.
~ this summery dress with bright flowers on it, and it's even got a lining. how many cheap dresses have that?
~ a huge leathery bag that makes me very happy because I can fit all my stuff into it.

Am off to giggle happily to V, and thank him for the beautiful card he sent, along with the best drawing in the world. Sigh, this sort of helps to ease the pain of Friday. See people, is there nothing that retail therapy cannot cure?