28.9.07

If I Sing You Down



Come on Balthazar
I refuse to let you die
Come on fallen star
I refuse to let you die


I'm just very tired all the time, and it's not a very nice feeling. I'd just like the exams to be over soon because then I can go out shopping. Yes I am very materialistic and fake. Thanks for noticing that I only care about the important things in life.

Can you tell that I'm getting touchier lately?

I typed out like a ton of entries but just didn't have time to prettify them, if you can call adding a little bit of colour and changing the font that. So now, I'm putting off my studies (further math!) just so that I can finish this once and for all.

By the way, N asked me why I don't seem to be talking much about BB anymore. It's not that I've forgotten about her, no. In fact, I just wrote her a two foot long e-mail that took ages to type. Such is the burden one bears in a long distance friendship. I want Skype but my computer keeps rejecting it. Hmm... I don't give up that easily.

But I digress. The reason BB isn't really mentioned is to preserve my peace of mind. I find that distracting myself and not thinking so much about her helps me focus on exams. Hahaha. It's like I'm obsessed with her or something. God forbid that one of these days I fall hard for a guy. I'll stalk him to the end of time.

Well, since we're graduating pretty soon, there's going to be this convocation certificate presentation commencements ceremony. I think it'll be boring, as usual, but I'm supposed to do something. Here's where I reveal my hidden talent - banging aimlessly away on the piano. I'm one step away from completing the whole grade system, but am too lazy. So they want me to play a song, preferably one that everyone can sing along to. I thought of the Graduation Song by Vitamin C, mainly because I cannot be bothered to learn something that requires effort.

And also because some of these girls are prone to bursting into tears when one mentions leaving school. " I LOVE YOU GUYS! WHY MUST WE PART?! *cue tears* " Honestly, I even considered skipping my prom just so I could avoid some people in particular. Why oh why must everyone be so loving and caring all the time?

So here are my options. Please note that I am a little desperate to get out of this and might resort to such cheesy tunes that no one will want me on stage anymore.

Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel
I like this song. I was once obsessed with it, and made my piano teacher bring me as many versions of it as she could find. Needless to say, I mastered this song (not anymore!) and always played it when requested to perform. Of course, having heard this a billion times, there's always the possibility that this'll be turned down.

Hey There Delilah by Plain White Tees
Well well well, we meet again. I first heard this song ages ago, and not recently as most people have. Now that many losers claim to have discovered this song first, my brother and I amuse ourselves by silently making L shaped signs behind their backs, knowing deep down in our shriveled hearts that we have the best music taste ever. But anyways, while pressing random keys on the piano one day, I discovered that I had found the opening chords to this song. So if I managed to learn the rest... Did I mention that I once wished that my name was Delilah? Oh so childish.

Eve, Apple of My Eye by Bell X1
Easy to play. Pleasing to the ears. Might even make some of the teachers happy. Now if only no one wants to sing-along to this song. I actually like it, you know.

You're Beautiful by James Blunt
To get through this song without bursting out into laughter at its cheesiness will be the greatest triumph of my life. I kid you not. Oh sure, I don't mind listening to it at home, in the privacy of my room. But I must assure you that I don't swoon at the sound of it. Neither do I tell my boyfriends that I'd like them to dedicate this song to me. Or how romantic it is. It's just a nice song. However, some of the girls in my form are obsessed with it, calling it the best and most romantic/touching/heartaching melody in the living world. Come Graduation Night, should I be playing this song, I'll only have to take one look at the expression on their faces, the tears glistening on their cheeks, to remember why I'm going to leave school happy.

Bond vs Oakenfold by I Have No Idea
For the super spy secret agent that we'd like to be, but couldn't because our teachers laughed at our dreams when we were in kindergarten.

Seasons of Love by the cast of Rent
If you've ever been to an event at my school, you'd hear this song within ten minutes of entering the hall. It's a staple at every occasion. I guess it's a nice song. It's just raped my ears too often to be thought of in a fond way.

The Funeral March by Chopin
To confirm suspicions that I'm a freak. And a trouble-maker. And a loser. And every other insult that's ever been thrown at me. But seriously, what better way to symbolize our freedom from secondary education than the demise of our school years played out in this beautiful piece?

Fix You by Coldplay
Just because I know how to play it without freezing up too much.

Drops of Jupiter by Train
Another overplayed song. Will be deeply appreciated by the drunk boys swaying in the corner with their certs down their pants and their ties around their heads.
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out thereeeee?
Classic.

The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
Least likely to be played. It brings back some bad memories for me. I find this song so beautiful, but every time I hear it, I'm lost all over again. And that's not a good thing. Although, if I play this, it might help me cry just enough to convince some people that yes, I will be missing them and yes, this is just as hard for me too. Sigh. Sometimes I just want to forget.

Boston by Augustana
Well, why not? Honestly, I just want to pick a song and get over with it, and this is as good as any other. But I like it though.

Colourblind by Counting Crows
Can I just say that I adore this song? Because I do. I first listened to it on a depressing day, and while it didn't make me feel better, it was beautiful all the same. And when I heard again some time later on Cruel Intentions, I was smitten even more. I just don't feel like sharing it with the rest of my form mates, who wouldn't appreciate good music unless they had eardrum transplants. Why waste it on them? I'll just play it for myself then.

Anime pieces
For the geek in all of us. Especially mine.

Some random classical piece / something by Richard Clayderman
The older generation (the school chairman is from the paleolithic ages) will enjoy this, and as we all know, that is what is most important in a graduation ceremony. None of us will be having fun during it anyways. Oh fine, it's just me. But Mariage d'Amour is a classic, and it's not hard on the fingers. I also happen to adore Arabesque 1 by Debussy.

A nursery rhyme
Hahaha... See the joking look on my face? It means that I'm not serious. Really. I'm not desperate.

Well that was a big help. I think I'll go study now. Further Math suddenly seems much easier.

:)

20.9.07

Come See Me Tonight



Ahhh!!! I've done it again!

Everyone knows I'm a sucker for pretty things. This includes books. School books and reference books, to be exact. I'm always buying these books I don't really need to study, just because they're a) new and/or b) look nice.

So today, I went to get an further math workbook, cause I think I need loads more practice. Exams!!! But I digress. So, I looked for a book in the math section. First, everything went well. I picked out two books that seemed good, and walked away. But I got distracted in the History section by a white book.

D thinking (and talking) to herself:

Hey, I've never seen this one before.
Well that's because it's new.
It looks quite nice.
Yes, but you don't need another history textbook. You've already got four.
Well, one of them sucks. And another's in my locker. I think.
Enough. Let's go.
Ok... Wait. Maybe just a peek.
Nooooo...

And three minutes later, I'd also picked up a pink and a purple pen (equally unnecessary!) and paid for all my purchases at the counter.

Brilliant, D! Brilliant! Keep this up and when you start earning your own money, you'll be broke in no time.

But I always use all my books, so no biggie. I wonder why though. I mean, when I study, I have to have like three or four books of the same subject with me at the same time. Weird, but (sadly) true.

New books always make me want to study. And oh oh I am deliriously happy because I got A's in my Biology and Chemistry! If you've read my blog, you'll probably know how horrible I am at Chem hey that rhymes!

You know you're over someone when you hear a song on the radio that you used to like. And you stopped listening to it because it reminded you of them. But now when it plays, you feel nothing. You just start to enjoy the song again.

I am happy today.

9.9.07

Beautiful Thing, How Far You've Flown



Please don't cry
You know I'm leaving here tonight
Before I go I want you to know that
There will always be a light


This post is dedicated to the friend I've always loved most, my dearest BB.

We met as freshmen in high school, not really knowing each other. I was the popular snotty looking one, in the form's top class. You were the slightly geeky and shy one, hanging out in the second best class. And then you got promoted.

:)

Yes, that was when it started.

We dropped out of our respective cliques. This made you more popular, and me less. You saw me as less of a ice queen bitch, and I started thinking of you as more than a quiet nerd. Then we began to talk, first as casual acquaintances, then as friends. Still, we weren't that close. But one day, you called, and that all changed.

The conversation is really fuzzy, mainly because it happened five years ago, and I also have the spectacular ability to forget things really quickly. But I think you needed a friend at that moment, and you might not have known it, but I needed one too. We were two lonely people who just wanted someone to talk to. And talk we did. It started with dreams.

That one phone call changed my life. It lifted you from the position of just some random buddy to the status of best friend. You were, and still are, the first person with whom I could talk to about everything, and you would (or at least try to) understand. We had no silent moments, words would just form themselves into sentences. We weren't afraid to be stupid with each other, and we just knew what to say. When we were together, we were ourselves.

To this very day, we still remain best friends. No. Not just best friends. Soul mates, I'd like to think. We've reassured each other many times, that despite the number of other friends entering our life, we will always value each other above the rest. We've sworn to always be there for each another. So far, we've kept our word.

Our friendship is not one without its ups and downs. We fight frequently, but we prefer the term 'disagree slightly'. So far, I think we've had three major fights, and each time, someone calls back, wanting to know where we stand in our friendship. We let everything out, what we feel and what we want. We weigh the pros and cons, the good times and the bad. However, adding them all up always equals to one thing. We've been through so much to just let it go.

You may not know this, but the fact that you chose me to be your friend has always amazed and puzzled me. I'm the furthest from perfect that anyone could ever be, I'm probably the worst example of how to be a good friend, and I've slipped up so many times that I sometimes start to hate myself. But still, you held on to our friendship. And the funny thing is, you felt the same way I did. Unworthy. You asked me why I wanted you as a best friend, when I obviously could find someone else. When I obviously didn't need you as much as you needed me. And I cried.

Because the truth is, I need you. You may be the one who calls to cry and talk about problems you have. Maybe you're the more emotional one. But I think that, deep down, I'm even more volatile than you. I think that I cry and feel the most. However, I just can't let my emotions out. I bottle them up. But to be honest, you've seen me in my worst moments. From when deliriously happy, to love-sick, to heartbroken - you've helped me through it all.

I need you to talk me through a lot of things. To lighten up my mood and make me feel less stressed, because talking to you makes me happy. I need you to reassure me and tell me that everything will be alright. I need you to be my best and truest friend, because no matter how friends I have, no one means as much to me as you, my beloved BB.

I really don't know what to say anymore, because it pains me so much to think of living like this for the next five or more years without you. When you return, I will have left. Gone far away. Our patterns will always conflict, our schedules will never match. Timezones apart, we will forever live.

It won't be the same without you. There'll be no one left to talk to, to cry to or to go to. No one gets me the way that you do. No one even comes close to replacing you. I'll be all alone here, while you're on the other side of the planet, wishing you weren't gone.

I'll have to relearn a lot of things now that you're gone. Like how not to automatically include you in every plan that I make. How not to pick up the phone and dial your number so I can hear your voice on the other side when I'm lonely and sad in my room. Like how to not think that you're still in your house, talking with me and laughing at everything I say.

I wish I'd been there to see you off. But a part of me knows that, if I had been, I would have broken down and cried. It was better for us to part like we did - smiling and joking like nothing was really happening. As if you were just going for a short holiday, instead of going away for a long long time. I don't know what you would have done though. I wonder if you'd have cried too.

Talking to you over the phone for the last time before you boarded that plane, I felt like breaking down. But I tried not to. It would have ruined that moment, and I didn't want you to feel like not going. I still think we didn't have enough time, but I still went to sleep (slightly) happy that we managed to squeeze in one last conversation and a few messages.

I hope you like the letter I wrote for you. I hope you're reading it now that you're there in your room. I hope that you miss me. I hope that you never forget me. I hope we'll still be friends in the end.

I wish you the best of luck in college, and you're going to do really well there, just because you're BB. I don't think you need to hear all over again how much I'm going to miss you, because I've already told you a million times.

I think I'll end this right now, because I'm a bit tired from all this crying and moping I've been doing. Exams are tomorrow, so perhaps I'll sleep. No point in studying, even though you'd want me to. I just need some time to get over this.

Upon telling BB to read my letter only after she gets there:

What did you write about me? Are there mean things inside? Will it make me sad?
Yeah, I think it will.
Darn... I don't know why I'm even going to bother reading your letter when you're insulting me all the way through it.
Because you love me.
Oh yeah, that's true. *sighs* Damn it, why do I love you?
Because I love you too.

:D

You're probably the only friend I've ever loved. So you'd better be grateful for that, okay?

:(

I miss you BB. Come back to me.

D loves you very very much.

1.9.07

Suzanne Sunshine



Today has been a very fulfilling day. Unlike normal weekends, I slept in, didn't revise and went shopping. Oh look who's failing now?

Since everyone knows I am a nerd, I headed straight for the secondhand bookstore. And proceeded to pick out four books. Set them aside and went up. Can you even imagine how happy I was when I saw that this one tiny bookstore I liked had become even bigger! It's a store that sells new books for dirt cheap. Like, let's say a book you like is 16 bucks or something. Now it's like 3. :D That's a huge huge discount. But one thing you have to remember about it is that, not all the books are the latest arrivals in the major bookstores. But still, it's really really good to see books that are interesting and costly. Bear in mind that these aren't the crappy stupid books that most stores stock. Just a hint of teen fiction and some good chick lit. The rest are the kind of books you usually spend a lot of money on.

People I know have become really slack about updating their blogs, and some are just constantly switching to new ones. Xanga to Blogspot to Xanga to Blogdrive to Typepad. Just stick to one for at least a few months, darn you people. And stop blogging like this : Today I saw the BOYFRIEND! lOVElOVElOVElOVE you so very much dearest heartbeat <3<3<3 and he bought me the MOST BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF EARRINGS EVAR! iluvmybabykins!

Gross gross gross. Even after correcting their spelling (so I could understand it a little better, but that EVAR just looked too funny to change), it looks like something my three year old cousin would write. And even she doesn't write in a surreal mixture of upper and lower case. Please, I know it's your blog okay. So fine, if you want to write craploads about your boyfriend and you making out everytime you meet and how much stuff he buys for you and how you both are going to get married and have ten gazillion and three children, that's really up to you. However, don't force sane people to visit your blog, read through your post and leave comments that praise your poetic nature. I cannot cope with this. My brain likes order. And grammar.

It is true that sometimes I too fall prey to the words lovelovelove. It is also true that sometimes I smush words together and ramble on pointlessly. But it is also true that I do not invite you to view my blog, and neither do I force mushiness in your face. If you don't like it, then leave. The same should apply to me. If I don't like your blog, allow me to click that beautiful red x button on the top right of my screen. Don't wail and tell me that no one cares about your blog. And then beg me to click random ads or take surveys so you'll get money/more viewers/some nonsense like that.

Yes, I am a hypocrite. So if you're my friend, and you're reading this now with the urge to close the display window, that's fine with me. But you should probably remember that I sit next to most of you in class. And carry a sharp pair of scissors around. And know your locker combinations. And where you live.

I'm just saying.

:D

I found this too funny not to post. Well not too funny but I'm lame and I like it so just read it anyway.

Dear Mr. So and So,

I have a secret admirer who leaves coded love letters in my desk. The last one could only be read by holding it up to a mirror upside-down. It said: "I will reveal myself on prom night." That's five years away! What shall I do?

Nervous

Dear Nervous,

Leave a note in your desk informing this admirer that his or her attentions are not welcome. A naked person on prom night is an unsuitable romantic partner.

With all due respect,
Mr. So and So


If you didn't find that funny, you probably shouldn't be reading my blog at all. Our senses of humour probably run in different ways. Or yours probably ran away. Geddit? Geddit? ... Just leave.

If you didn't understand that, then you need a thesaurus or a dictionary, my dear person. Go through every word carefully, until you finally get the meaning. Or give up. Whichever comes first.

If you not only understood that, but liked it as well, then you are probably a lame person who laughs at stupid pointless things. But fear not, because I am just like you. And you should go through the rest of my posts as well, for there may be more nothings to laugh at.

Hahahaha.

D loves you.

I've kissed the green gem of the east coast
Drunk the tropical fizz of
The north
Played the far flung sand castles ate at by the Indian
Froze in the broken off port
To my blue collar sprawl out the blue stony wall
Where the weather don't bother and the sea don't recall
Sometimes it's a dead man as wide as he's tall by a blue blooded matron
And under her shawl

Every night I pick the locks on that white Victorian box...
I find buttons and bones, tiny soldiers, toy trains and murder...
Every night I pick the locks and the ladies scream Vain!