Sunset Drama King

i thought i'd give you something funny to read today, after weeks of the most depressing posts ever. behold, the barbeque party as told in ZR's journal. SB and i read it with her permission (she wanted me to know how worried she was that night) and we couldn't stop laughing.  i thought it would make good blogging fodder so here it is. just so you know, i'm Mouse, the boy is Talls, PD is Outers and YN is Boobs. ZR has a flair for the dramatic. note the unnecessary exclamation points. it's like reading an Archie comic.

...

... so I walked in to check on Mouse because she hadn't come out in ten minutes and I found her lying on the bed! Like passed out and stuff! So I ran out to the living room and started panicking and I pulled Boobs' arm and told her "You have to do something, Mouse is unconcscious!" and we ran into the room to look at her! We called her name but she didn't move. I touched her forehead and OMG you could've cooked eggs on it!

I asked Boobs and Outers what we should do and they asked if Talls knew. I said no because he wasn't there yet and they told me that we should tell him because he's the one who always looks after Mouse! It just so happened that he had just arrived and we were quite amazed at the coincidence. We said hello and then we told him that Mouse was passed out on the bed and he rushed to check.

I am telling you, the next time we have some kind of emergency, we should ask Talls to take care of it! He looked at Mouse and asked if she'd been drinking and we said no! As if we would let her drink herself to death! Then he sat down next to her and picked her up and shook her lightly! And she woke up! It turns out she'd been sleeping! And Mouse was in a really deep sleep or something so she couldn't hear us shouting! We should've shaken her awake instead! Outers said we could have poured water on her but I guess we forgot. We were so worried!

So we all started cheering that she wasn't sick or anything but Talls shouted at us and asked us to get out because she needed to sleep. We were just so relieved okay?! He just told her to go back to sleep and he'd wake her when they were leaving because he was driving her home, then he put the blanket on her and chased us all out! From my room! He wouldn't even let me go in to take my lipstick until he was sure she was asleep again! 

I guess the next time Mouse does that we need to make sure she's really fainted and stuff before panicking but it was just kind of scary because she never does that!!! Like at all the parties, she's the one who almost never sleeps! She'll just sit there listening to music or reading after everyone falls asleep and we'll wake up and see her smiling at the sunrise or something like that! And then last night she slept for six straight hours! A first! And I didn't know you feel so warm when you sleep! Mouse if you're reading this, never ever do that again! Tell us before you go to sleep next time okay!!! 

 ...

oh god, everytime she tells me this story, i want to die laughing. i cannot believe that they thought i'd had a fainting spell of some sort. what she said about me never sleeping during the parties is true because i don't usually seem to feel tired even while everyone is crashing around me. however, i'd had two sleepless nights before that party and i just gave up, so i went to her room to rest. i must've have fallen asleep because the next thing i know, the boy was holding me and asking if i was alright. i mumbled that i wanted to lie down and he told me to go back to sleep. the rest of them started whooping and making the most annoying noises so i was really glad when everyone left. i think they were half drunk to have acted so stupidly that night.

also, hahaha at the smiling at sunrise part. i didn't know anyone was watching. i like the colours you see when the sunlight starts to spill over the skyline. very inspirational.

oh, and we all have weird nicknames because ZR thinks it's cute. mine is Mouse because she says i sneeze like one (what?! how would she know?) and i also have a childish voice or something. the boy's is Talls because he's tall. PD's is Outers because he is always passing out everywhere. and YN's is Boobs for obvious reasons - she wears an F cup. in case you're interested, ZR has her own nickname. it's K.O.Queen. because she can drink five cans of beer straight up and not get even the slightest bit tipsy. i am amazed.

Stab City

i'm eating spoonfuls of green tea ice cream and wondering if i could squeeze my feet into size 36 shoes for a torturous wedding dinner. there is a certain charm about the way he drew a rabbit with eight whiskers on one cheek and five on the other. is it a hidden message? how about the fact that i wake up with swollen eyes after a good night's sleep, every single time? you can't expect the paint on the wall to dry faster just because you've been breathing on it while you're splayed out under the piano. maybe if you... if you stopped waiting for something to happen, you'll find the happiness you've been wishing for on falling leaves and half filled Chivas bottles.

Distraction Is A Gift

my love life is beginning to sound like a bad fanfiction so i'm going to pretend it doesn't exist anymore. now i can focus on the more important things in life - shopping for new clothes. i threw out nearly half of the stuff in my wardrobe and realized too late that i have nothing to wear when attending casual events. i had to wear a dress to the barbeque a few nights back and didn't enjoy myself as much as i could've because i was too busy worrying about spilling anything over myself. SB solved the problem by upending his bottle of beer over (on?) my chest. i would've murdered him if he hadn't immediately ripped off his jacket for me to put on while giving me the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster.

so the plan is to (i think i use this phrase too often) buy a few pairs of shorts and tees, maybe a new cardigan and a pair of sandals. vintage is fine and dandy until your drunk friends decide that you're an alcoholic plant and must be watered fortnightly with equal doses of ice cream soda and Guinness. perhaps i should start leaving the price tags on my clothes, so i can force said "friends" to replace everything that they've managed to rip and/or stain.

speaking of bad fanfiction (as mentioned in the first paragraph so it's not a huge backtrack), i stumbled upon a very lengthy blog post detailing the drunken exploits of some guy from this band. Boys Like Girls, i think. are they supposed to be boys who like girls? or boys who are like girls? hmm... both perhaps?

anyway, many people commenting on this issue have been making the most delightful one-liners, ranging from bitingly snarky to downright deluded. after reading through pages and pages of their valuable insight, i am glad that i have never been a band groupie. it seems like too much hard work for nothing. getting leered at by strange men and having to endure their tongues down your throat your idea of fun, ladies? like they say, one man's trash...

now if you will excuse me, i'm off to sort through what's left of my wardrobe and make a list of things that i should be looking out for on my next shopping excursion.

Consequence

so the posting is going to be sporadic from now on. it'll be like taking time off with little breaks in the middle to reminisce. dangerous, i know. i'm such a daredevil sometimes. and a masochist, if you hadn't noticed. i like eating chips straight from the fryer ohohoho... ok shutting up now.

in case you're wondering why the sudden downturn since the party on friday night?, i will fill you in on the details. long story short, i had made up my mind that i would treat the boy like a friend and nothing more. i'd also decided that if JY made her move, i was to smile and accept it as a good thing since it would help me forget him and all. sadly, life never goes the way i want it to.

at the party, the boy and i both got really high. after trying to avoid him for the whole night (while he in turn, ignored JY), he cornered me against a wall. he leaned in dangerously close while making eye contact, and we stood there for what must have been a whole minute, while everyone around us stopped what they were doing and turned to watch us. i know he was waiting for some sort of acquiescence on my part, but i couldn't do it. i pushed him away, half smiling to pretend that i was fine, then ran into ZR's room to cry. i was so angry at that moment, because i thought we were over this whole issue. what is the point of staying friends when you can't even respect that boundary? acting this way is what got us into this stupid mess in the first place.

after a few deep breaths, i went back out to confront him, only to be told that he'd gone out to smoke up. i was disappointed but relieved that i wouldn't have to see his reaction. once again, everyone else pretended that they hadn't seen anything wrong, if only for my benefit.

an hour later, just as i was beginning to enjoy myself, the boy returned. stoned of out his mind. he saw me half sleeping/half sitting on the couch and stumbled over. he then sat down next to me, gave me the most heartbreaking smile, then placed his head carefully on my ribcage. he mumbled something about always being the bad guy, even when he wasn't trying to be. how he couldn't even win in my dreams. that he could hear my heartbeat, and he was breathing in time with it.

then he fell asleep.

while i lay awake for the rest of the night, crying silently over how much we were hurting each other and the strangers we had become to each other, trying not to wake him up. i kept wondering why we couldn't seem to move on, why he wouldn't let me forget him. the time floated by so slowly that night. the six hours felt like forever, and every minute was stretched out by the sound of his breathing. perfectly melding with mine. even in his sleep.

we acted like everything was fine in the morning. when he woke up and i in turn passed out in ZR's bed. when he woke me up to drive me home before my lunch hour curfew. while he drove me past familiar grey buildings, listening to post metal (why?) and poorly remixed versions of Akon. when he waited for me to leave, to walk through the doors of the elevator, just like every other time.

but i'm going to be fine. he might not want to get better, but i am not planning on killing myself anytime soon. i've come a long way since june. i can't go back. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy.

Gone, Play On

last day of internship and i think i'm going to miss this place. who would have thought? all my friends laughed when i said i was getting some sort of job, but i have lasted three months. the paycheck helped, i admit, but i liked the idea of doing something like this on my own for the first time.

i'm not sure if i'll ever type a post on this computer again. eat another lonely meal at the table, while dragging my heels on the floor. wear three sweaters to keep from freezing until i finally learned to survive with just one. so many scattered thoughts about this place but i can't rearrange them into sentences coherent enough for anyone else to understand.

i'll also sort of miss the boss, and how he skips coming into the office four days out of five, then rushes in for last minute paperwork. his frantic appeals for help when he has to use a computer. when he doesn't realize that i'm on the phone and wonders out loud why i'm talking to myself. he actually forgot that i was quitting twice, then slyly asked if i would consider coming back after a break.

and RS, who helped me a lot with my work. i've never heard her complain about a single thing i've done, although she's entitled to do much more than just mouth off, considering the mistakes i make sometimes. i'll probably buy her a gift and mail it to the office. just to say thank you.

only ten more minutes until i leave. i'm a bit anxious because i can't think of what to say. should i act happy? sad? are there unwritten rules about your behaviour on the last day of work? besides not making too big of a show packing your belongings into discreet canvas totes, of course.

the table looks so empty now. it doesn't feel right. where are the seven piles of paperwork, the scattered pens and the torn up memos? today seems like a strange day.

goodbye office. goodbye. it was a great run while it lasted.

If I'm Not Out Burning

i can smell strawberry yoghurt from where i'm lying
i have ten fingernails but only one of them has a half moon
last night someone let off a whole slew of fireworks and this morning i saw fire engines rushing about madly
fridays are my favourite days though i was born on a wednesday
my mother taught me how to pop bubble wrap
in the same vein, my father taught me my first swear word
i am currently addicted to freecell, drawing Sanrio characters and watching past seasons of Skins
at ZR's party, the boy backed me up against a wall and leaned in so close i could hear him breathe me in
but i walked away crying
self destructing comes naturally these days

i think i am going to be taking a indefinite break from this blog. i want to gather my thoughts (like every other fcking time) and try not to kill myself. there are so many things i want to sort into piles, all neatly labeled and left to burn. starting with all those letters i wrote. i need to get over this. he's obviously not going to help, so i'll have to do this on my own.

remember that today, i love you. so so much.

Woods

why can't i let you go?!

We Drink On The Job

well, he's picking me up for the party tomorrow. PD was supposed to be doing that but the boy volunteered instead. i don't know what i'll say to him. it's always awkward sitting in a car with someone who you can't look in the eye. maybe i'll just start singing again.

Certain Things You Ought To Know

he took me out for lunch on saturday. it rained so heavily, we couldn't see through the front windshield, and i was terrified that we'd crash but he kept saying he wouldn't lose control, not even for a second. still, i was relieved when we made it to my gate in one piece and reminded him to drive carefully on the way home.

PD and i were chatting later, and we were laughing about his terrible performance in a previous football game until he asked me if i had enjoyed the lunch. apparently the boy had been looking forward to it all week, even if he hadn't given me that impression. not trusting myself to speak, i just nodded my head.

two days later, ZR told me that she and PD were in this conversation with the boy on msn messenger (ohgod), and in the midst of it, the subject of our lunch was brought up. he told them that the lunch was great (he had second helpings) and everything went smoothly until the rain began to pour. to their (and my) immense surprise, he said that he had been scared on the inside because it was so hard to drive.

*part of the conversation that ZR sent me. the following exchange is between PD (who i'm going to kill) and the boy.

and i was just thinking, stay calm. stay calm. if it had just been me in that car, i would have been ok if the car crashed, but D was there. i didn't want anything to happen to her, so i pretended that everything was fine.
didn't she ask?
she did. before it started raining, she asked if i was tired because she knew i had not had any sleep the previous night, and also because work was brutal these past few days. i said no but i don't think she believed me. then when it was raining, i kept telling her it would be alright even when i couldn't see the road. for a whole half hour.
omfg insane. why didn't you stop or something?
she had a curfew.
like i said, insane.
yeah. scariest experience in a long time.
hahaha D must have been terrified since she hates driving and sh*t.
her face, you should have seen it. she closed her eyes three quarters of the time. and she was singing to herself. if it wasn't such a tense situation, i would have laughed.
hahahahaha what the hell was she singing?
i wasn't really listening cause i was concentrating on not crashing, but they were those songs that she likes. the ones no one's heard of besides her. haha and i know she was singing owl city at one point because she forced me to listen to him once. should i have started singing along?
she would have killed you hahahaha. she would have been like "OMGOMGOMG FOCUS ON YOUR DRIVING! STOP SINGING! DON'T KILL US! BREATHE D BREATHE!" hahahahaha!
sounds about right hahahaha. D thinks that just because she can't drive while talking or singing, no one else can.
did you tell her that?
and have her be all "shut up! shut up! if you're not going to drive properly, just let me get down here and i'll walk! and drive carefully! don't kill yourself ok!"? no thanks.
hahaha you've been spending too much time with her, cause you're getting really good at this imitating thing.
i wish.
haha so much for a refreshing lunch. you think she'll be up for another anytime soon?
screw you.

from the way they talk about me, i sound like such a loser. no wonder all their friends look at me with this half amused half pitying face when they first meet me. in all seriousness though, it was nice of the boy to have acted the way he did, but he should have told me! then we could have stopped somewhere and waited for the rain to let up! curfew be damned, my life is more important than that. his too, of course. boys and their weird ways.

World Spins Madly On

ZR has convinced me to come for the party, so i'm going to try and think of a way. i'm not doing it for the boy (or JY) but because i deserve some time off. wish me luck! i am going to need every little bit i can get.

and today is a very special day. i have been blogging for three years now, eventhough i never even expected to make it past the first three months. i've always had trouble committing to something, so it's wonderful that i managed to keep this up for as long as i have. yay me! sadly, i forgot about this joyous occassion last year, so i'm going to make up for it this year.

happy third anniversary starsofglass.blogspot.com (currently barley for brains)!

i'm going to keep blogging until i get fed up, but i hope that won't be for years to come. since this is much easier than writing in a diary.

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

unfinished letter, found in a pocket of the grey dress with buttons. dated 17/7/2009.


the aftermath:-

i've given up on the colour green, it's just not meant to be, especially when it's both your favourite and mine. i don't need to be reminded of your fingers brushing mine towards shades of mint and jade in the paint section, or of the emerald dress i wore to meet you in the old parking lot. it is now pink, because you hated the colour and said it was too overdone, so how refreshing it was that i never wore or used it. thursday was a pink top, pink shorts, pink flats and even a pink cardigan with little hearts. i wish you could have seen me then. or would you still have said i looked good in anything?

i've stopped listening to that stupid song you thought was wonderful, the one about drugs and alcohol and sex(probably). it figures that your music choices would echo your lifestyle choices. you probably were hooked on the one called 'let's see how much i can make her cry yet still be in love with me' for the past six months. i know you did love me, i know you cared a lot. just not enough to stop hurting me the way you did. addictions are hard to kill off, but i wish i was worth giving it all up for. i really do.

one thing i can't bring myself to do is walk past that stone bench where i waited for you to recover whatever it is that you were on. or that window where you made stupid faces in to entertain me so i wouldn't remember how much my feet hurt, because my shoes were biting into them. or that balcony where i drew the people i knew and you wanted to know if i'd drawn you. i said no. i was lying. if you had opened the leather bag, you would have seen dozens of you, all crooked grins and messy haired and perfect in the way only you are. i can't walk past all these places but sometimes i have to, only i don't and i make up stories to explain why i can't. i think everyone sees through the lies, how pathetic i am and how i end up running away from problems instead of unravelling them.

i never realized how many pictures i have of you until i had to delete them off my phone, one by one. you're pulling me into the frame, your arms extended towards the sky, happiness exuding from you. my face is partially blocked by my purse but you can see my eyes clearly - they look genuinely carefree for once. i even know what happens after that picture. you tell me how t---

There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease

it is nothing like what i thought it would be
when he looked at me i felt as if my heart would burst
with his goodbye
while he waited for me to walk away
looking hopefully for that one sign of weakness
said 'i'll always be here
'no matter what happens to me
'i will watch you and keep you safe
my feet were cement blocks but i kept on going
i just want to be happy again

Early Morning Ambulance

who you are/have been/will always be to me

the lines etched into my palm
sips of black coffee
pieces of a broken test tube
the reflection i see in every shard
a bitten off expletive
staccato laughter
the silence after a thunderstorm
torn canvas shoes
pillows that smell like smoke
an empty vodka bottle
an empty heart